Sexuality Happens

I don’t get the opportunity to book reviews as much any more, but I just couldn’t keep quiet about this one.  Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino is an absolutely brilliant book. Brilliant. It’s about non-monogamy and open relationships, but I would highly highly recommend it to anyone, regardless of their own personal relationship status.  It’s a good way at looking at polyamory/polyfidelity/swinging/non-monogamy/etc, whether you personally participate in it, or are looking to do so, or to learn about it to understand more about the lifestyle’s of your friends, etc.

Like many sexuality minded people, I have read The Ethical Slut (considered to be one of the main texts for those exploring non-monogamy). In fact, I had it assigned for one of my classes in grad school.  At the time, it was mind blowing.  A book, where people talked about having sex with multiple partners, who they cared about, in a completely non-judgmental sense. Ka-boooom! I started exploring my non-monogamy around the same time.

Only one problem. The Ethical Slut, while a good book, seemed to be a) a bit old-fashioned, and b) only seemed to cover the kind of open relationships practiced by the authors, which wasn’t *my* kind of non-monogamy. I kept my copy, lending out to friends (including my lovely Moose), but I wasn’t satisfied.

And then, Opening Up came into my life. Tristan is one of my favorite sexuality educators, and she certainly doesn’t disappoint.  For her book, she interviewed over one hundred people who practice non-monogamy in a variety of different ways. She has a great introduction, an interesting background on the history of non-monogamy/swinging, and a nice primer on “are non-monogamous relationships right for you?”  The questions in this section are great, and I actually sat down with Q (having been in a non-monogamous relationship with her for quite some time), and really enjoyed the discussion that resulted from these questions.

Following that, she breaks down the book into chapters about different kinds of non-monogamy, from swinging to polyfidelity, to partnered non-monogamy (which is similar to Q and my relationship) to solo polyamory. Each section talks about the history, brings up important points of the relationship type, has a mini-story about a couple/group/person who practices that type of non-monogamy, and things to think about if that’s what you’re looking for.

Q and I read through some of these chapters together, and discussed our personal responses to many of the questions and statements. Many of the exercises in this book were “easy” and non-invasive enough for someone who isn’t the biggest communicator, but is trying her best to really talk and communicate.

I loved this book. I’ve already lent out my copy to Q and another friend. My Moose is next on the list, since she just finished the Ethical Slut. Tristan has never let me know with either her books or her movies, but this one really went the distance.  Five out of five stars.

Get your own copy of Opening Up at Babeland, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

-Essin’ Em

I got this idea from the brilliant site Feministing.com. Of course, now that I’m going back to try and find some of their examples of things they could do without, I can’t for the life of me find their posts. Bah, humbug.

Regardless, here is my snarky list o’ the week of things I can do without. They actually aren’t really in any particular order, just as I’ve thought of them.

-Essin’ Em

10. The assumption that the average woman should be a 36-24-26, size 2, 36DD, blonde, etc, what have you. People are beautiful in so many different ways, different sizes, different colors. The average size in America is a 12-14. AVERAGE. Not a 2. 2 is a fine size. So it is 22.  Let’s stop being so fucking ridiculous in our expectations and searches for perfection

9. Marriage. Period. I’m all about commitment ceremonies and fun parties. Religious/spiritual stuff is fine too. However, I do not believe that anyone’s rights should be tied to their ability to fall in love (and therefore stay in love). Granted, if we DO have marriage as a governmental institution, I feel everyone should have that right, regardless of sex or gender.  But we can never make it equal for everyone. What about poly families? What about people undergoing gender re-alignment? What about X, Y and Z? Why not just make marriage a commitment thing, a way to express your love and adoration (and religious beliefs, if that’s your cuppa tea)? And leave the whole government thing separate from church. You know, like it’s supposed to be.

8. Straight men who think that they can turn queer women straight. Straight women who thing they can turn queer men straight. Queer women who think they can turn straight women queer. Queer men who think they can turn straight men queer. Monogamous people who think that everyone should be the same. Non-monogamous people who think everyone should be the same. It’s just rude. In every direction. Why are we so eager to change other people’s identities?

7. Hypocrites. Nuf’ said.

6. Those who do not recognize their privilege. I understand that you cannot change certain things (race, gender, age, ability, etc), and that you may not *want* to change certain things (class, appearance, etc). However, that does not excuse not recognizing that you HAVE that privilege.  Do with it what you will, but at least own it.

5. Laundry. I really hate having to do it. And it takes forever, and I never have enough quarters, and the dryer in my building never really dries my clothes and then my cats sit in my clean clothes, and I hate having to put them. If I never had to do it again, I’d be estatic.

4. People who feel like they own the road/bad drivers. You *have* a turn signal. Please use it.  Let people in occasionally, especially in heavy traffic, or when their lane is ending. Wave a little instead of flipping people off. Don’t go freaking 20 over, drive the wrong way down one ways, back up the street, drive over medians, etc. Really, it’s easy. Just don’t be a douchehat. Simple as that.

3. Violence as a solution. Violence NEVER has a reason to be the solution. Talk. Go punch a wall. Go have sex. Go eat a pint of ice cream. When I say violence, I mean everything from domestic violence to wars, road rage to genocide. It solves nothing. Period.

2. Spiders. Really. Ugh. I KNOW they eat mosquitos, so I can possibly amend this to “spiders that are inside” or “spiders that are where I are, and/or exist in my personal sphere of life.” But they are terrifying AND dangerous.

1. How society drives us to feel better by putting people down.  We judge others on their bodies, what they where, what car they drive, where they shop, where they go to school, etc.  This tears us apart. We call each other sluts, whores, fat, etc (in non-positive ways). How does taking other people down build us up? And why do we let society control us this way? I do not approve.

I wound up chatting up this woman I met while working the front desk at the gym…I’d been crushing on her for a while, and finally worked up the courage to converse with her. And of course, she’d assumed that I was straight, and was asking me to get info on another woman who worked there. Story of my life. Luckily, I’m satisfied with Q, and wasn’t really looking for another main partner.

Anyways, at one point, the conversation (we also went out for dinner a few nights later) to body hair. She had said something in passing about being a dirty hippy, and that one of her indicators *had* been having armpit hair. However, her ex-girlfriend, as a “christmas present” or something of the sort, had gotten her electrolysis/hair removal for said hair.

This pissed me off. I mean, it’s one thing if you *have* hair you don’t want, and want it removed. I understand that. F had that done to her face, although she wound up getting burned. I CHOOSE to shave my vulvar area, etc.  I don’t care one way or another about hair - Q has grown out her leg hair, and I LOVE running my fingers through it.  She shaves her arm pits (as do I), and sometimes her vulvar region.  Regardless, I love her, and her body, and her choices.

I would NEVER even dream of telling a friend OR partner what to do with their body hair; either to shave it/wax it, or to grow it. I support people in their choices, whatever they may be. And it, while none of my business, really bothered me that someone would, knowing that their partner enjoyed having armpit hair, “gift” them something to take it away. To me, it’s similar to giving a non-anally oriented partner a butt plug, or tickets to Taylor Swift to someone who hates country music.  

People are always shocked to find that I’m a vegetarian who doesn’t care if the person I’m with eats meat. No, I won’t cook it for them, but if we’re out and they order chicken salad, so be it. I refuse to tell people the choices they “should” make. And it frustrates me that other people think giving entirely selfish gifts that ask someone to change as an ok thing.  I mean, yes, I gave Q vampire gloves (and a rainbow necklace that she’d wanted) for graduation, but she LIKED my pair, and I decided it would be brilliant to have a pair at her house too. Yes, I reaped the benefits, but I wasn’t asking her to enjoy something I knew she wouldn’t.

Gah. This is written badly, I know. I’m just at a loss. Why would you do that to someone you cared about?

-Essin’ Em

Ok. This is the Echo.  Meet the Echo.  

The Echo says hello.

So I’m aware that the Echo (especially in white - it also comes in a Midnight Purple option) looks a lot like a Unicorn Horn Dildo.  It does.  But guess what - it’s not.  It’s one of the most popular dildos from the Tantus line…and like most Tantus dildos (and some other sex toys), it is not only harness compatible, but it also happens to have a little mini bullet vibe that fits into the base (that comes with it…AND WITH BATTERIES! Epic win!).

Originally, I wasn’t sure I wanted a white dildo…but once it showed up on my doorstep, I was sold. I really liked the way it looked. Like most Tantus dildos (like my Buzz 1), I liked the way it felt - a nice solid, and smooth (shiny, not matte) silicone. I love that I can share it (boil it, wipe it down with a 10% bleach solution, or toss it in the top shelf of the dishwasher with no soup).

In fact…I’m not longer the proud owner of a Tantus Echo.

What, you may ask?

Well, I got it. I washed it. I set up the nice little bullet vibe, putting it in the base, and then I fucked Q with it…by hand. And she liked it so damn much, and I like her liking things so damn much, and I felt so guilty about my dildo farm, and her complete dearth of dildos…that I sent it home with her.  That’s right.  I give my friends and partners sex toys and porn when they come to visit me.

Luckily, the next time I was over at her place, I brought my favorite harness, so I slipped the Echo into it, strapped it on, and we fucked that way. Can I mention how hot she looked riding me as the pearl white Echo slid in and out of her.  The twisted-ness of this dildo makes it really pleasurable as an insertable, and the vibe makes it feel absolutely outstanding not just for the “fuckee” but also for the person (in this case, ME) wearing the dildo.

Down side? The white color shows a fuck ton of fuzz…but it does look sexy if you’re fucking your partner during their period, and then you can see the beautiful, unadulterated blood. But then again, that might just be me.

I loved this dildo, but obviously not as much as Q. I’d put it in my top 5 favorite insertables, and definitely one of my favorites to strap on!

Want your own snazzy Echo? Get it here!

-Essin’ Em

Tomorrow, June 27, 2009 is National HIV testing day in the US. Lots of places are doing FREE HIV testing, and I’ve even included a site below to find the closest place for YOU to get tested. No excuses. Hundreds of thousands of people are diagnosed with new cases of HIV every year, and more go undiagnosed because they didn’t get tested. HIV does not discriminate. It is not a gay man’s disease. It is not an African-American disease. It is not a single people’s, or a multiple partnered people’s or a poverty disease. It infects people of all genders, sexualities, abilities, races, socio-economic levels, etc. (PS, this includes lesbians - I’ve had some friends who have been told that dykes can’t get it.  This is bullshit).  Please, take care of yourself and get tested. Tomorrow is as good of a day as any, so let’s do it!

National HIV Testing Day (NHTD) is an annual campaign produced by the National Association of People with AIDS (NAPWA-US) to encourage at-risk individuals to receive voluntary HIV counseling and testing.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that 180,000 to 280,000 people nationwide are HIV-positive but are unaware of their status. HIV counseling and testing enables people with HIV to take steps to protect their own health and that of their partners, and helps people who test negative get the information they need to stay uninfected.

Across the country, thousands of HIV counseling and testing sites, state and local health departments, and community-based HIV/AIDS service providers will participate in NHTD events, by holding health fairs, providing community and media outreach, hosting special testing-related events or operating extended hours.

I get tested every 6 months, and that’s with practicing safer sex as much as possible (I hate dams, so have fucked up with that a few times. I’m only human), and I’ll be getting my ass out to get tested tomorrow…and I expect all of you to go get tested! If you have any good or interesting experiences getting tested, let me know!

-Essin’ Em

Find out where YOU can get tested near you

This photo is from my trip to Florida.  I really wish I was back on the beach.

I’ve started a new, temporary (16 weeks), part-time (24 hours a week or so) job, which is really exciting, but I also feel like I’m in over my head.  Posts will continue but may not be as long or as in depth until I get used to my new get up at 7am work schedule…but don’t worry, my crazy antics, amazing sex life, and all consuming awkwardness aren’t going anywhere.

I could sure use a pina colada though!

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday to you, one and all!

-Essin’ Em

from dockera.com via art or porn

Pleasurists is your round-up of the adult product reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #33? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #35? Submit it here before Sunday June 28th at 11:59pm PDT. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.

Note: Monday the 29th is the editor’s birthday, Pleasurists #35 may be delayed next week.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• Christmas in July Deadline: June 24th at noon EST
• Vibrator Horror Story Contest Deadline: June 26th
• Name That Sex Toy! Deadline: 11:59 PST June 26th
• Summer Lust Contest! Deadline: June 28th, 2009 at 11:59 p.m. PST
• Cheebras Pin-Up Contest! Deadline: Entries MUST be received by midnight on July 4, 2009
• Hello Kitty Vibe photo contest Deadline: September 1, 2009

Madame Editrix

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

On to the reviews…

Editor’s Pick

• Dream Massager G by Sleeping Dreamer

I love this vibrator for it’s power. Yes, these vibrations carry throughout the entirety of my vaginal canal and even vibrate down into my ass. I can feel the vibrator through the mattress, yea, that good. The Dream Massage G is to my vagina what the Hitachi is to my clitoris.

Vibrators

• Acuvibe Mini by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
• Oui by Sommer Marsden
• Joanna Angel’s Bad Ass G Bullet by Baby Sinead
• Handy Massager Review by Pumpkin Lady
• I Rub My Duckie by Ginger Leigh
• Trinity Vibes Vibrating Silver Bullet by Mistress Says
• Hello Kitty Vibe by True Pleasures
• Slimline G by HotMoviesForHer Sex Toy Crew
• Ben’s G-Spot Smoothie by Beautiful Dreamer
• Rock Chick by Sleeping Dreamer
• Galaxy G-Kit by Ansley Agnello
• Bgee by Ansley Agnello
• Waterproof Slender Probe by Epiphora
• Impulse Hyper Sonic Wand by Domina Doll

Dildos

• Belladonna’s Magic Hand by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
• Tantus G-Force Wand by Marla Singer St. Syr
• Sunshine Helix Real Tip Rocket by Carrie Ann
• Leo by Ansley Agnello
• Martian Night Spiral Curved e-Glass Dildo by Mistree Says
• DonWand Glass BubbleWand by Erotic Amusements
• Sugar Drop by Beautiful Dreamer
• Raspberry Chunk Juicer by Red
• Curve by Epiphora
• Milkmaid Dildo by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival

Anal Toys

• Flexi Felix by Arron Leone
• Fun Factory Bloomy by Red

Toys for Cocks

• Tenga Squeeze Play by Onyx V St. Syr
• Betty Jo Cock Ring by True Pleasures

Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

• Sensation Erotic Massage Oil by Sarah
• Spectra 360 Electrode Gel by Red
• Yes Water Based Lube by Red
• Yes Oil Based Lube by Red
• Climax Bursts Toy Cleaner by Carrie Ann
• Fizz Lubricant by Carrie Ann
• Keep It Clean Toy Wash by Adriana
• Energizing Massage Balm by Intimate Organics by HotMoviesForHer Sex Toy Crew
• Shunga Massage Candle, Bath Gel, and Sweet Snow Powder by Carrie Ann
• Wet Originals by Domina Doll
• Wet Together by Red
• The Sensuous Soak Kit by The Countess
• Inttimo Kitty Shave Kreme by Adriana
• Oil of Love – Tangerines and Cream by Domina Doll

BDSM/Fetish

• Lover’s Riding Crop by Nadia West

Adult Books/Games

• Supersex by Tracey Cox by Amorous Rocker
• Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival

Adult Movies/Porn

• Champion by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
• Catherine by Backseat Boohoo
• The Joanna Angel Magical Threesome Adventure Experience by Beautiful Dreamer
• Carnal Sensations by J.D. Bauchery
• Sisters by FrzKey
• Sometime Sweet Susan by The Porn Librarian
• by J.D. Bauchery
• Sex Warrior Pudding Collector’s Complete Edition by FrzKey
• Penny Flame’s Expert Guide to Rough Sex by Epiphora

Storage

• Sugar Sak Anti-Bacterial Toy Bags by Jessie M
• FYN Adult Toy Box by Laurel

Miscellaneous

• Fetish Fantasy Inflatable Position Master by Dragon Mage
• Babegloss by Adriana
• The ShockSpot fucking machine by KamaSutronics

I have a facade, that I’m not romantic, that I’m not what Cait and Q and I jokingly call “woo-woo.”  I’m not talking about tarot, and chakras, and processing and that kind of “woo-woo” but more of the “I listen for the sound of your car engine starting up so I know you’ve made it to your car safely…but it makes me miss you already” kind of “woo-woo.”

I think I don’t like very traditional, cliched romance. Don’t buy me a dozen red roses…now, you if want to randomly pick me wild flowers, or get me a bouquet of my favorite flowers, that’s different. Don’t buy me a box of chocolates because you’re “supposed to” for valentine’s day - I’d much rather you surprise me with peanut M & M’s or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups when I’m having an off day.

I DO like holding hands, but I like it because I like your touch, not because I have to prove myself to anyone. I like finding gifts I think you’d like…not because it’s our anniversary, or because I feel compelled to…but because I like getting you things that will put a smile on your face.

Q called me out the other day. She told me I was romantic AND woo-woo. And you know what, I admit it. She’s right…in some situations. When she gave me a ticket for Rent, my heart melted.  I didn’t even look to see where we were sitting…just going to a show that meant so much to me, well, it meant so much to me.  The other night, as I lay in bed, sharp, stabbing pains twisted through my knees, and her hands wrapped around me, holding me, I saw her as my knight in shining armor.

To me, romantic is doing that things that make YOUR partner happy, not the things that make Hallmark happy.  Q and I met at a strap-on workshop I taught.  To many people, not nearly as romantic as falling into her arms in Paris, or something like that. But to me? I think that’s an amazing place to have met someone.

I am cheesy. I do like the woo-woo. We stood on this giant sculpture in the middle of Downtown the other evening, her arms wrapped around me as I played the question game, asking her little bits and pieces about her, the wind blowing through my hair, everyone else having disappeared.

THAT is romance, and woo-woo to me. I love it. I love that she kisses my hand in the dark of the movie theatre, when she’s sure no one is watching. I love that she makes me quesadillas before I have run out the door. I love that she’s silly, and smart, and sexy. I love that I have to pull on her hand to make her slow down her walking…and then she slows down far too slow.

So yes, I’m a romantic, in some ways.  But only in the ways that work for me.

-Essin’ Em

If you’re looking for sex, this post is not about it. Sorry.

Everyone once and a while, I check in with an update on my health, since it’s so screwy, and sometimes people ask. If you don’t care, don’t read. End of story. Rude comments WILL be deleted. Sorry, I don’t have time for ass-hattery right now.

Let’s see. I had/might still have tonsilitis.  It’s ridiculous. If I open my mouth in front of a mirror, *I* can see my tonsils, no light or pokey stick needed.  I believe the doctor at the clinic’s exact words upon examining me were “oh my, your poor tonsils!” She was actually fairly sure I had mono, but the test was negative. I was sent home with antibiotics, steroids to reduce inflammation, a lidocaine gargle that numbs my entire mouth and throat, instructions to take tylenol every 4 hours, and the order to not be active for 7-10 days. Lovely.

The steroids, although they may be helping out my tonsils, are cause severe muscle pain in my thigh and hips.  My orthopedist said this is normal.  The second day I was on the steroids, Q and I went to see a movie after dinner. I could barely walk out of the movie theatre, she had to drive my car to her house. Despite a painkiller, I lay in her bed, wincing every time I moved for four hours.  Finally, she convinced me to take another, and I was finally able to sleep. She was so kind, so caring, so concerned.  I hated her having to see me like that, but it is what it is.

I saw my knee doctor again. Got another prescription for percocet. Oh boy. Not allowed to take more muscle relaxers because it might mess with my central nervous system more. Off the Celebrex (I’ve been living on samples; a one month prescription is over $140), trying Limbrel instead for the arthritis. Supposed to see a hip specialist - they’re concerned that the arthritis is moving to my hips. Otherwise, I don’t really have any options other than the cadaver bone surgery, or waiting a few years (10-15) for the total knee replacements I need. I’ve decided when I get a wheelchair, it’ll have a leopard print cover, and spinny-wheel thingies. Until then, I need to invest in a better quality cane.

My TMJ triggers my migraines. Stress triggers my migraines. Stress triggers TMJ. All in all, I’ve had a lot of migraines lately.  Massage therapy helps, but I can’t afford it out of pocket, and my deal to trade F for massage as I do her marketing had kind of fallen through the crevices as I’ve fallen out of her life.

My allergies are actually ok. Hurry for OTC allergy meds, because I can’t afford Allegra. Heartburn too - can’t afford Nexium, but Pepcid and Prilosec are pretty snazzy.

I need money. I need good insurance. I need a whole different body, but this is what I’m stuck with. None of it is my fault; I didn’t do something against doctor’s orders, I didn’t drive drunk, I didn’t take a lot of illegal drugs that are some how messing me up. It’s just how I am. And I’m pissed. 

But what are my options?

So that’s my health update, for the few of you that have been asking.

-Essin’ Em