Sexuality Happens

I’m dating a new guy, and we’re getting to the point where I’m ready to go down on him…I just don’t know whether I should “spit or swallow”. Can you give me some advice?
– Questioning in Quebec

This question, the question of “spit or swallow” is as old as the day is long, and is one of the most frequently asked of sex columnists all over the world. It may have taken me a while, but I have finally decided to tackle it in the most informative way that I can.

Firstly, there are actually three choices; spit, swallow, or don’t have him come in your mouth. No, really, I’m serious, that is a totally valid choice, particularly if the reason someone spits is because of the taste. If it’s in your mouth long enough to spit it out, you’re still going to have the taste, but if it isn’t ever in your mouth in the first place, that’s one less thing to worry about, right?

Now, let’s say you decide that you do in fact want to receive ejaculate in your mouth (and you deciding is the key part; don’t let anyone ever tell you that EVERYONE does it that way, or that you HAVE to do it; totally untrue). This is when those good ol’ stand by options come into play; spit or swallow.

All is going well, and now he’s beginning to get there; the point of no return. You have a decision to make; split, spit or swallow. You’ve decided not to split – you’re going to stick it out, but how do you decide whether to imbibe?

It’s a personal choice that you get to make all by yourself. Some women enjoying swallowing for a variety of reasons. Maybe it’s for easier clean up (no tissue or towels needed), maybe it’s the taste (it is preferred by some), maybe it’s a variety of other reasons. On the other hand, some women are proud to be “spitters”; they enjoy the act of giving oral sex, but at the end, they chose not to swallow their partners’ semen. Why? For some it’s just the idea, for others it’s the taste; again, it’s a very personal thing to decide, and no one can just give you the right answer.

Couple of important notes (and I asked the guys in the office to double check): swallowing is not necessary. At all. One guy said he even preferred that she didn’t swallow. As one guy put it “I don’t care, as long as I get to release my semen. I don’t really care what happens to it after that.” Not swallowing is not going to ruin the sexual experience for the guy, it’s not going to be the worst blow job he’s ever had because you didn’t swallow. You do or you don’t, but as long as you’re both having fun, that’s the part that matters. If you do choose the spitting option, it is more polite (and probably a little more appreciated by the guy) if you don’t spit it across the room, or right in front of him. Some discreet tissue action, or a quick trip to the bathroom can go a long way.

Ejaculate (made up of both sperm and seminal fluid) contains about 6 calories per tablespoon. It’s fat free (in case anyone was wondering), and contains trace amounts of calcium, zinc, B12, magnesium, nitrogen, chloride, and other substances (but unfortunately, not enough replace your multi-vitamin if you do swallow). It does not clearly up acne (hmm, wonder who started that rumor), and it cannot make you pregnant if you swallow it (although oral sex does put you at risk for STIs; check out our safer sex guide to read up on protecting yourself).

All in all, this is a decision for you to make; split, spit or swallow. You can certainly talk to your partner about what he may prefer, but remember, it’s up to you. No pressure. If you chose to swallow, you’re not going to get fat, but sadly, you’re not going to get perfect skin either.

Open wide (or not!),

Essin’ Em

Originally posted on HotMoviesForHer.com

Hi. I’d like to speak a little on orgasms. Yes, those delightful things that we always seem to be pursuing. I think it’s time for me speak up, as I have a bit to say. Let’s start with the easiest way to achieve an orgasm;

Masturbation. Up until recently, people believed that only men ‘touched themselves down there’ and that any woman who could bring herself to orgasm was clearly loose and lascivious.

Luckily for us, that perception has changed. The adult toy industry has toys for every type of woman, every type of fantasy (and finally, they don’t all resemble penises or animals!). Some companies even cater solely to women. There are more and more porn movies and magazines showing women actually getting themselves off. Books discuss different methods. Even some mainstream movies talk about the concept.

But how do you say you’re off to go pleasure yourself if you’re female? I personally have no chicken to choke, no gecko to drain, no crank to yank.

Fortunately, a multitude of synonyms have recently come into use for us vagina loving ladies; mistress-bating, clicking the 5 fingered mouse, tip toeing through the two lips, ringing Southern belles.

So now we’re just like men; we have vibrators to their pocket pussies, jilling off to their jacking off and Playgirls and Sappho to their Penthouses and Playboys.

But are our orgasms really the same? Do we really just come? I was trying to explain this to a friend the other day that, at least in my experience, there are so many different types of orgasms a female can have.

There’s the manual stimulation of the clit that results in an orgasm, either alone or with a partner. The best way I can think of describing this type of orgasm is as a sine in math; it’s hills and valleys, a camel with lots of bumps. To me, this orgasm is more about the stimulation and the journey, rather than the end result. It isn’t about the final destination, it’s about the sensations that wash over your body as you get closer and farther and closer again.

Then there’s the vibrator orgasm. This is like how you’d picture a roller coaster. A large amount of build up, slowly but surely creeping towards an explosion of pleasure that is centered from your clit but expands out, flowing through your body, curling your toes until it reaches every muscle group, tensing them all simultaneously until you are finally able to release all the tension in your body and come down from the peak you have just summited. It pushes you to the edge, and over it, forcing you to feel the pleasure, because it’s a little more difficult to turn off a vibrator than it is to remove you hand. Plus your hand gets tired; as long as you have fresh batteries, the vibrator is always good to go.

Oral sex is a whole other type of orgasm. To me, it’s almost like falling off a cliff, or diving into the ocean. It’s beautiful, it’s deep, it’s all encompassing, it’s all around you, unstoppable, something from which you cannot escape. I cannot think of a visual line for this one; it just doesn’t have the same type of visualization. When someone is going down on me, I feel empowered, worshipped, and beautiful. I love it when they look up at me – that’s the connection that anchors my fall, that makes it possible for me to let go, because I know they’ll be there to catch me. This is one of the most trusting types of orgasms for me – I can’t have it with just anyone.

One can’t forget the magical, and sometimes still thought of as mystical, g-spot. This hard to find area is in the vagina, and directions to it are sometimes complicated. “Make a come-hither motion with your two fingers.” “Three inches in and feel for the spongy area.” “Close your eyes, hope really hard, and poke around until she gasps.” Did it ever occur to anyone to just ask her?

Regardless, this area provides a completely different type of orgasm. To me, it’s like a cross country race versus a 100 meter sprint; both make your heart race, but are completely different ways of running. With a clitoral orgasm, you play around it, taunting it, teasing it, and then once you’ve made friends, then, and only then can you begin to play a little more rough and tumble. But with the g-spot, I want pressure and stroking. I want power, and I take power and I exude power. I want to be fucked, whether by fingers, a toy or a penis, and I want it now. Pushing me over the edge is exactly like crossing the finish line in a race; I’m exhausted, breathing heavy, sweating, and want nothing more than to bask in its glory, and wouldn’t give it up for the world.

Orgasming in front of another person makes it different too, whether that person is part of causing the orgasm or is just a bystander. Sometimes I feel like I have to be more “into it,” moaning louder, thrashing more. Sometimes I just like having a warm body next to me or on me when my body tenses up; it makes me feel safe. And sometimes, I wish I was alone, because I orgasm differently when I’m alone. Only if I am really comfortable and really trust the person can I truly be myself, and ask for what I need to make it right for me, and get off the way that I get off, without some extra moans here, or calling out of their name there.

Sometimes I don’t want to come. I just want the sensations. I want to be turned on, I want to be hot and horny, but I’m not in the mood for an orgasm. When I say this, I mean it, it’s not a challenge. My clit isn’t the enemy, it’s a very good friend of mine, and sometimes it just wants to chat, to have a short visit. Other times, it’s ready to party. Depending on its mood, I approach it differently, and the outcome is always enjoyable.

Now, this is not to say that any one type of orgasm is better than another, and it is most certainly not to say that all women orgasm in the same ways, with the same difference between the types of stimulation. But for me, I don’t have the same orgasm a man does, especially since I never have the same orgasm twice. I sometimes wonder if female orgasms were just named that because the only thing one could compare it to was a male orgasm. Because of this, I am never able to fully explain my partners that I don’t always arch my back the same way, I am very quiet sometimes and loud others, and that sometimes I stay very still. They don’t seem to get it, because they seem have a certain way they tend to like to come. I become a totally different person when I’m writhing in bed – I’m not responsible for my actions or my moans, they just come out how they do. And sometimes I don’t want there to be an end result, I just want to enjoy the sensations – I’ve yet to be with someone who understood that. And it’s hard for our partners too, because while saying “so, did you come?” sounds quite silly, it’s incredibly hard to know sometimes. So please, all I ask you is to stop comparing my orgasms to the girls in the last adult flick you saw, or your ex-girlfriend, or even the ones I had when I last came in front of you. My orgasms are like snowflakes; each one different and unique, but I enjoy every one, I promise.

Forget Smokey the Bear. You can do a whole lot more than prevent forrest fires. You can also join the fight against AIDS.

Thursday, April 26, 2007 is Dining Out For Life Day. In cities all around North America (Yup, our friends from the North have joined in as well!), participating restaurants will donate 33% (or in some cases, more) of their profits to the fight against HIV and AIDS – research, treatment, etc. What do you have to do to join this amazing cause? Eat. Better yet, eat delicious and tasty food.

Each metro area that is participating has dozens and dozens of restaurants. Some for lunch, some for lunch and dinner, and at least in the Philly area, one or two that are also part of Dining Out For Life during the breakfast hours.

If you live in/near one of the areas that is involved, you’re bound to see at least of a few of your favorite places on the list. You like to eat there anyways, why not make sure you get a yummy meal and fight against this horrible illness at the same time?

I’ll be going out for BOTH lunch and dinner. I’d do so weekly if I could. This is a great way to reconnect with friends for a great cause – call/e-mail/text all your friends, and call up for a group reservation. We’re making it a ladies night out, to enjoy ourselves, as well as support a great cause. I hope to see many of you out and about, and that many more of you participate across the continent.

Essin’ Em

Join the fight against HIV and AIDS – www.diningoutforlife.com

Yup, that’s right. More hot and steamy sex!

Strap On Sunshine is a fantasy about hot strap-on sex on the veranda in the (what else) sunshine!

Check it out, read my writing, love it (ok, you don’t have to love it), but it’s hot, and sexy, and you should.

NOT SAFE FOR WORK

Strap On Sunshine

Keep those sex lives spicy!

-S

One of my favorite (if not my number one favorite) women in this industry is none other than the amazing Nina Hartley. I love her personality, her look, her education guides, and her feminist and sex-positive views on sex and sexuality. She is wonderful, and just got better – she wrote a book called “Nina Hartley’s Guide to Total Sex” and I was lucky enough to get to review it – FABULOUS! It is well organized, and has chapters on basically each “main” genre of sex; from cunnilingus to BDSM, threesomes to anal, it’s all in this very special book. Better yet, she approaches sex in a healthy and a happy way, focusing on individuals and communication – just what I like to hear! I recommend it to everyone, and have copies on order for all my friends. PLEASE get yourself a copy, and you just tell me if you don’t read it cover to cover!

Click here to read my whole review and buy the OUTSTANDING book that is “Nina Hartley’s Guide to Total Sex”

I have to say that at first glance, I didn’t think I could handle the Blowfish Love Balls. They violated two of my main principles regarding sex toys; the Blowfish were both pink, and had faces, which are generally big no-nos in my book. However, like the brave little sexpert that I am, I decided not to just a book by its cover (or a sex toy by it’s colored faces). While this wasn’t a toy I’d use to bring myself to orgasm, it certainly provided a variety of different sensations, and its cuteness (pink faces and all) definately grew on me. The weighted feeling I had from having them inside me is definately worth a try. Definately not a vibrator, these balls as funky and fun, and would make a great gift.

Check out my whole “Blowfish Love Balls” review, and buy a pair for yourself, by clicking here!

So as many of you may (or may not) know, I write sex fantasies and erotica in my spare time (eventually I want to write a romance novel to pay off my graduate school loans…I’ve been working on it since sophomore year of college, so don’t get too excited…) ANYWAYS! Edenfantasys.com has comissioned me to write a few stories for them for their fantasy baskets. This is my first published sexual story. I’m so excited!!!

Check it out! My first published fantasy!!!!

The Snugglepuss!

It looks slightly like a pink jellyfish that mated with a sea anemone, but none the less, I was excited to get my Snugglepuss in the mail. This toy operates slightly differently than your average dual clit/G-spot stimulator; rather than having an cumbersome buttons or dials, the motor starts when you pull the two sides apart, and continues going until the two sides touch each other again (IE, when you’re done and take it out). The vibrations were relatively quiet, and I liked the feel of the material. The size of the G-spot side was ideal, but I wasn’t quite as big of a fan of all the bumps (although they might be heaven for others) on both sides. Additionally, the vibrations were a little weak for me (but remember, you’re talking to the girl who likes her toys to plug into the wall!), but I certainly enjoyed the sensations from the toy, and was all kinds of turned on by it. Coolest part? It’s hands free; use it as foreplay, or make a boring day at the office that much more exciting!

4 ooohs (out of 5) 

-Essin’ Em

Check out my WHOLE review (this is just a tidbit) and other toys at Snugglepuss – Sex toys reviews