Sexuality Happens

As the month of May winds down, so too does National Masturbation Month.

I hope you have been able to celebrate to the best of your abilities, by yourself, with your partner(s), or with curious pets watching on. I am a huge proponent of masturbation (but I mean, except for James Dobson and the Focus on the Family crew, who isn’t?), and certainly celebrated it as often as possible and with much variety and (I like to think) finess.

So as we bid Masturbation Month 2007 a fond farewell, I hope you use these last 24 hours to the best of your advantage, and give it a good send off. I know I’ll be doing my part for the country.

And don’t forget, self-love is kosher all year long, so don’t feel you have to halt all handywork at this time tomorrow. Keep up the good work!

-Essin’ Em

Has anyone else noticed how many Jews are in the fields of sexology and sexuality? Like ridiculous numbers. I just finished reading a book by Judith Levine (Harmful to Minors), and she’s not the only Jew’s book who I’ve read in the past few month.

When I went to my program’s orientation, everyone kept asking me if I was the “big Jewish dyke” – after my inital confusion, it was revealed that someone’s email address on all the group emails was bigjewishdyke@….com. Well, we still haven’t figured out whose address that is, but I know at least 3 self identified queer Jewish women in the program whose address it is NOT (myself included), so that means there are at least 4.

I have a friend who works for a sex toy company. Also Jewish. Also queer.

Some I don’t know for sure, as they don’t promote their cultural or religious background, but seriously, there is a disproportionate number of Sarah’s, David’s and Rachel’s out there (not to mention a bunch of other Katz’s).

Joanna Angel is Jewish too for that matter.

So what draws Jews (myself included, for I am an Agnostic Jewish Humanist) to the field of sexology and sexuality? Are we just that much hornier than the rest of the population? Better in bed? Super kinky (much like the curls that adorn many of our heads)? Maybe we’re more open minded and liberal? Or have had a few too many glasses of wine? (I wonder how many more stereotypes I can throw in here) It just seems strange to me that these fields seem to hold a larger proportion of Jews than there are in the general population…similar to the sterotype of doctors and lawyers.

Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions? Answers?

-Essin’ Em

I wrote a while back on all the different and exciting kinds of masturbation for women, and have been so excited to read online about how many women are re-claiming, and acknowledging masturbation, and how many more have just begun to discover it, and themselves, in the process.

But then my elation was short lived…I started seeing questions on online sites about “at what point in a relationship should both parties stop masturbating?” and “I caught my partner masturbating – does that mean s/he doesn’t love me anymore?” This seems to be a sad trend that has just begun to really take off.

First of all, you should never have to stop masturbating just because you’ve gotten into a relationship. Lots of people have healthy relationships in which one (or both) of the partners masturbates on a regular basis. Goodness knows with my libido, some weeks I’d go crazy if I couldn’t get myself off (other weeks, sex is more blasé), and I’m not going to call my partner at work 10 times a day because I just need to get off a few more times, and would feel guilty if I did it without them. Masturbation is normal, healthy, and helps you learn what you like, so that you can help your partner(s) learn what turns you on. 

Another great way to bring masturbation into your relationship is to watch each other masturbate. I LOVE watching people I’m attracted to get themselves off. Not only is it incredibly hot and super sexy, but then I can see exactly what they like, and store it away for future reference. If your partner is ok with it, see if you can participate as well. I really like to put my hand either over or under their hand, so I can feel how much pressure they like, what motions they go for, what kind of touch they like. No one knows better how to touch someone than that actual person. Plus, this way, you can watch their face, and see their body as they get more and more aroused, and if they decide to climax, it’s beautiful. Sometimes one partner might be a little shy, so certainly don’t force it, but once you try it, you both may discover so many new and exciting things about each other! 

Mutual masturbation is also a super fun and pretty low-risk activity. You and your partner can either lie down together, and each work on getting your own pleasure, or do a snazzy arm crossover, and stimulate each other. This can be used as foreplay, a learning experience, or a sexual activity in itself. It’s super fun, feels awesome, and again, you will both learn so much about each other. 

I think masturbation is amazing (clearly) and can’t see why anyone would want someone else to stop doing something that made them feel so good. It certainly doesn’t mean they are any less attracted to you. There are many many many reasons for someone in a relationship to masturbate. Maybe they are just really horny, and don’t want to bother you every single time they’d like to climax. Maybe they like that masturbation is an activity in which there is no pressure to perform well, to be a certain way when they come, to do everything perfectly. Maybe they like a variety of sensations, and really enjoy the particular feeling they get when they masturbate. Sometimes, one partner has a much higher libido than the other, and is fine with taking care of themselves rather than cause issues in the relationship. I’m sure there are tons more reasons! 

The only time I would worry about masturbation in a relationship is if one or both of the partners feel that masturbation is hindering other sexual activities that both partners used to enjoy. If you or your partner decide to use masturbation to avoid sexual activity between the two of you, then maybe there is an issue, and this is where more communication comes it. Why is there that avoidance? Did something happen to make sexual activity together awkward? Are there other big stressors in the relationship that might make one of you want to avoid sexual time together? These are definitely things that warrant discussion. 

But if both are you are happy with the amount sexual activity you’re having together, then I fail to see why masturbation is an issue. If I came home to find my partner going at it, I’d ask if it was ok if I jumped in and either helped out, or got myself off! I hope all of you are enjoying all of your masturbatory experiences, and don’t feel bad about you or your partner masturbating – it’s just part of a healthy sex drive! 

2-4-6-8, let’s all go and masturbate!

Essin’ Em

Originally posted on HotMoviesForHer.com

My partner thinks it’s really important for me to orgasm when we’re together, but sometimes I just like playing around, and don’t really feel like coming. It doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to or in love with them, and I’m still aroused and having fun, I just don’t want to come. Is something wrong with me?
-Pissed off in Pittsburgh

What a wonderful subject to bring up…I’m so glad you wrote in, because this is something I’ve been wanting to write about for a while. This “dilemma” (if you even want to call it that) revolves around to two types of sexual interactions we tend to have in our society; goal oriented versus pleasure oriented.

The way we are brought up in our society, everything is goal oriented; get straight As, make a lot of money, find a partner to bring home to the parents. The other part of these situations seems to get discarded. People don’t usually say “learn as much as you can, it’s ok if you have a 3.0 GPA,” “find a job that you love, even if you can barely make rent,” or “just date lots of people to help find yourself, learn more, and have interesting experiences.”

Because of this cultural norm, we tend to view sex in the same goal oriented way; the orgasm is all powerful. Particularly in regards to the male; in our society, sex is traditionally not over until the male has climax. I mean, can you see a woman orgasming in the middle of vaginal sex, hopping off her partner, rolling over and going to bed, while he was still erect? People would think it was ludicrous! Why? Because the orgasm has been made to be the goal of sex, and anything less than achieving that is considered failure.

In the past few years (decades even), people have argued that it’s just as important for a woman to climax during sex as it is for a man. While this is a good step towards equality (all parties in all relationships should be enjoying themselves!), I feel that this has also had a negative effect. With some partners (of all genders) try to be “good” partners, the female orgasm has become almost a quest towards the holy-grail, something that “must” be completed before sex is over. I had a partner in college that saw giving me orgasms as a power trip, and even though that sounds delightful, it wasn’t. It was as though he cared more about my orgasms than about me, and whether I was enjoying myself. Sometimes, I told him I’d love to play with him, and get him off, but I didn’t really feel like having a orgasm, and he took it personally, as though I was attacking his masculinity, or rejecting him.

While I definitely appreciate the “everyone, women included, should get to orgasm during sex” ideal, the reality for all genders is that sometimes, the orgasm isn’t want we want. We want to make out, to be sexually active, to have company, to be loved, to enjoy someone else’s body, and that’s it. We don’t ALWAYS want to get off, and some people don’t seem to understand that. Rather than looking at sex solely as a means to an orgasm, we should look at all sexual interaction as pleasurable, fun and exciting, and enjoy everything we do.

On another front, there is the sexual stair step model (or the “bases” as you may have called it back in high school). What is my problem with “running the bases?” Firstly, it’s a predominantly heterosexual model, and secondly, it’s very restricting. It starts with kissing. Then gropage. Then fingering/hand jobs. Then oral sex. Then vaginal sex. However, it seems as though once you go up a step (or run a base), you can’t go back. For example, if you enjoy making out, but then you move upwards to oral sex, it’s “weird” to want to only make out, and stop their. Similarly, once a couple has had vaginal sex, it’s as though they can’t have oral sex and that be it during future liaisons. How many times have I heard someone say “well, it was ‘just’ oral” or “all I got was a hand job?” Far too many. All kinds of sexual interactions are great in their own way, and people should do what they enjoy, and not what society tells them is the proper thing to do in the right order.

Now, maybe this is partially because I love oral sex, but honestly, why does having had vaginal sex mean that you can’t “just” have oral sex (whether or not to orgasm)? How come couples that have been together for months or years feel that they can’t just have an intense 3 hour make out session? And a little rant on the definition of sex; why is sex always defined as vaginal intercourse? Because I think that having your head in someone else’s crotch can be just as, if not more intimate than intercourse. And ask any woman that has had a good and proper finger fucking – she’ll tell you that is definitely sex as well.

So in short, no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all. You and your partner just have different ways of looking at sex; you’re more pleasure oriented, and your partner is a little more goal oriented. Tell them what you told me, that it isn’t a reflection on them or how you feel towards them, and then talk about what does make you feel good, and what both of you enjoy. Hopefully, both of you can think of some things that you both love, and will be able to heat it up in the bedroom (or kitchen, or bathroom, etc).

Remember, life is a journey, not a destination. Sex should be the same way,

Essin’ Em

Originally posted on HotMoviesForHer.com

Hey Essin’ Em! My partner and I are turned on by the idea of having sex in public, but aren’t sure how to enjoy ourselves without being arrested! Any ideas?
-Exposed in Exton

Exhibitionists eh? Sounds like you’re my kind of people! I’m so glad that not only have you two discovered something that you’re both really excited about, but are thinking ahead enough to realize that even great sex is not worth jail time on your permanent record.

However, don’t be discouraged! There are lots of ways you can get off in public ways without buying yourself a free ride in the back of a police cruiser. I’ll enumerate a few here, hopefully to get the mental juices (as well as the ones down below) flowing, and then you’re off to get off.

Something that is super simple and easy is sex in front of an open window. What floor of the building you’re on changes the risk of being caught/seen; as the floors get higher, the risk gets lower (clearly, fucking against the glass on the 20th floor of a high rise is less likely to be noticed than oh say, an ass or two pressed against the floor to ceiling French doors on the first floor of a 3 bedroom in the suburbs). You could live your blind open during sex, or go so far as to back light yourself to create a sexy silhouette show for the neighbors. Whatever you decide, it’s relatively low risk, as long as you’re inside your own place.

Another fun place to try is the park, although I’d personally recommend more of a wilderness type park (state, national, etc) than a local park with a playground – they’re less crowded, and you won’t scare young children. I’d suggest bringing two blankets; one to lie on (no one wants to get an allergic reaction, or ticks/stinging nettles, etc, on their vulva), and one to cover up with (again, the point is sex in public, not getting arrested). If no one is around, then rock out without the blanket, but if you’re in a more populated place, it’s a good way to get it on without everyone knowing (although some people will, regardless).

If you have a balcony or veranda (or are staying at a hotel with one), that’s another great place to try some public lovin’. For the lower-risk takers, you can hang a towel over the railing, so people can only guess and assume should they happen to look up, or you can just go for it. Again, the higher up you are, the less likely it is that people should just happen upon your sex scene.

I’m a huge fan of any type of sex outdoors (park, balcony, parking lot, etc)…the sun shining down out you as you reach your climax is just heavenly, and thought I have yet to try it, I hear sex in the rain is fantastic (albeit a bit chilly). Just make sure if you’re going to be outside and naked, you think about the elements; sunscreen, bug spray, and so on.

Sex on the beach is also a popular outdoor activity, but I myself am a little wary of this one. Why? I like my vagina sand free, to be perfectly honest. On the other hand, the sounds of the waves crashing could be divine as your orgasm washes over you. I hear that while one blanket is better than none, two blankets are WAY better than one for keeping the sand away from your delicate bits. Just keep an eye out for crabs, and not just the sexually transmitted ones!

I’d love to have library sex, in the stacks of books. This one is a little less feasible, especially in a general public library. They tend to be super busy, and have lots o’ little kids wandering around. My solution? Find your local college library. Best time to go would be around 9am on a Saturday morning; it will be almost completely empty, guaranteed. Wander around until you find the most hidden section of books, the ones that look dusty and like no one has touched them in years. This, my loyal readers, is your place. A little too risky for you? Try a study room – most schools have them for group projects, but if they’re empty (and on a Saturday morning, they will be), they provide the exhibitionism (most have a window in, or don’t lock, or both), without the danger of having a poor, innocent freshman or elderly librarian discovering you. If you go with the stacks idea, I would think a skirt/dress/other form of clothing that provides easy access would be a good idea.

My ultimate exhibitionist fantasy? Sex in an ice rink (this probably stems from the years of figure skating and hockey I did growing up). Not ON the ice per se (someone very wisely pointed out that sex equals sweaty, and that sweaty people would get stuck to the ice, which doesn’t sound very appealing to me), but either up against the boards or in the penalty box (especially if I’ve been a bad girl). However, unless I seduced the zamboni driver, I’m not exactly sure how to pull that one off. If you know a cute zamboni driver, please please please let me know!

So basically, sex in public can be whatever you want it to be, and can be super safe or way risky. Talk with your partner about what you’re hoping to get out of it, and then enjoy baring your butts for the world. And stay out of jail, or at least don’t tell the police that I suggested public sex!

See you out and about,

Essin’ Em

Originally posted on www.hotmoviesforher.com

This week’s column is on something very near and dear to my heart, but that I don’t think gets enough lip service in today’s culture; Kissing.
-Essin’ Em

Some people say kissing is over rated, others see lip love as solely a means to an end, a foreplay that “has” to be done, in order to get onto more important things, like S-E-X. But seriously? Kissing needs to revered in its’ own right. Kissing is one of the most arousing, intimate and sexual things you can do. I can make out for hours on end, and while often, yes, it can lead to something more, it’s also quite enjoyable to just have a hot and heavy make out session with someone whose company you happen to enjoy.

As far as mutual kissing, everyone kisses, and likes to be kissed, differently. Some like it softer, others are into rougher and harder kisses. Saliva is a big deal for some, and in other cases, it’s a huge turn off. In my experience, I’ve found that people kiss the way that they’d like to be kissed; if someone lips a little biting, or a nip on their lip, that’s how they’ll kiss their partner, because they want to get that back.

There are some kissers that are less popular than others; the first person I kissed, way back in high school, had the unfortunate condition that I fondly refer to as “vacuum lips.” When we kissed, I felt like my lips were being sucked deep into a vortex (also known as my partner’s throat). While this type of kissing may be the cat’s meow for some, for me, it just wasn’t my ideal….yet I suffered in silence until we broke up. Why? Because I thought that it was just a foreplay thing; it shouldn’t really matter if I enjoyed it or not.

Well, that was a dumb plan. Because has I talked to my partner about what I had liked, or even shown what I wanted by guiding their lips to *not* devour mine, I could have had far more enjoyable times making out, instead of dreading the lips of doom. But by not speaking up, and not giving kissing its proper level of importance, I was totally missing out on what turned out to be one of my favorite things to do.

Now, kissing does have to involve lips, but it doesn’t have to be lip-to-lip always. Your lips will feel amazing pretty much anywhere on your partner’s body (and vice versa of course. If you’re in more of a sensual mood, light kisses all over the neck, ears, collar bone, and down the stomach, just barely brushing your lips over their skin. More heated and passionate? Use you lips to nip here and there, to shower breasts and nipples with love, a little bite on a hipbone, a rougher, passionate kiss on the neck. Taste your partner and let them taste you.

The feeling of someone’s lips covering every area of your body sets your nerve endings absolutely on edge. You might get goose bumps, even if it’s not cold. You might be inspired to do the same to your partner. After some hot (or cold…don’t be afraid to change the temperature of your mouth with ice cubes, hot tea, etc…or even make it tingly with mints, or crème de menthe!) kisses, the two of you might end it there, or you might decide to go on to some other types of sexual activity. Either way, you’ll feel amazing…I guarantee it.

So what’s the hold up? We should slow down on the yapping, and give kissing the lip service it deserves. Really.

Smooches!

Essin’ Em

Originally published on www.hotmoviesforher.com

WARNING: May contain information some consider to be “TMI.” In fact, it definately does – my journey as to how I define sex. Read at your own risk.

I was writing a column the other day on pleasure oriented versus goal oriented sex…something very important to me. And as I typed, I wound up going into a completely separate rant on the definitions of “sex.” Since I write “sex tips” for work, and not “rants about sex and society,” I’ve decided to elaborate here, both for my own edification, as well as to start discussion.

Granted, my definition of sex is contstantly changing, and I hope will continue to do so. And when I was back in HS, and was 13 and 14, I was pretty much anti-sex. Especially oral sex; I would not be sucking or licking anyone anywhere below the belt. Clearly, that has changed. We evolve.

Originally, I defined sex as vaginal or anal intercourse, which were the societal definitions put before me. I mean, I knew my aunt (a lesbian) and her partner were sexually active, but I didn’t really think about how my definition discluded them. Then my senior year, I went to a Peer Health Educator conference, in which someone said something that stuck with me; “I think that oral sex is a lot more intimate that intercourse; I mean, for god’s sake, someone has their head IN YOUR CROTCH.” It really made me think. My own theory was more of a ‘oral sex is more intimate because you’re giving a gift to someone, letting them be completely selfish in receiving pleasure.’ Either way, I started to think of oral sex as more of “sex” and less of “foreplay.”

However, I wasn’t getting much my first year of college, until I was sexually assaulted. After that, I, understandably, was very apprehensive about sexual activity, especially anything involving my head and a penis. I wound up hooking up with a Prospie (prospective student) on the floor of the study lounge one night, and he helped me face my fear; not by asking for oral sex. In fact, he down right didn’t want it – he told me he just wanted to give (and was really cute about it – after he took my pants off, he put my slippers back on so I wouldn’t get cold – how cute is that??). This was my first consentual experience beyond gropage, and so it was a bit frightening and nerve racking, and while I enjoyed it, it certainly wasn’t outstanding – I spent the majority of the time wondering if I was doing things right, how I tasted, how I was supposed to fake an orgasm (which I didn’t – hoooray for pleasure oriented sex), etc.

Then my next few experiences with sex involved me giving my partners oral sex, and occasionally, being fingered by them in return. To me, fingering was by no means sex…goodness knows my vibrator felt much better, and sometimes it hurt, because they didn’t know what they were doing, and I was afraid to speak up. I learned to speak up, and it was still ok, but nothing amazing, and sometimes it bothered people that I would ask them to speed up or slow down.

By this point, my best friend Anne and I had come up with a working definition for sex. It was anything you could do with a partner, that could lead to orgasm (but didn’t have to if that wasn’t what you wanted), that you couldn’t do by yourself. So we pretty much had oral, vaginal and anal sex (however it was done). I suppose a breast orgasm would also fit into that category, because try as I might, I’ve never been able to give myself one. Fingering, while fun at times, was not “really” sex to me; it was something my partners did because they felt they had to do something in return, but since I enjoyed going down, it wasn’t a chore for me, and they didn’t have to return the favor in order to not feel guilty. Ergo, the fingers jammed haphazardly on and into my lady parts.

As we all know, I hate the word, and the concept; VIRGINITY. If it’s something to be taken, or to be lost, why can’t you get it back? If you’re assaulted, are you still are virgin? If you only fuck other women, does that make you a virgin for life? What if you lost your hymen horseback riding, dancing, or to a tampon or hairbrush handle? It’s a stupid idea to me. However, since it’s part of my sex history and sexual realization, I lost my vaginal intercourse virginity in December 2005. I didn’t expect it to be a big deal, and it wasn’t (although he flipped out in the shower afterwards, because my burgundy dye turned the water a bit pink, and he thought I was hemorraging or something. I was amused). Vaginal sex, while interesting at times, was quite boring to me, and having a small vagina, made me sore, and quite often, my partner as well. If this was the only thing I defined “sex” as, well, sex would have sucked. Luckily, I was beyond that now. He was not.

This past summer I had my first post-prospie experience being given oral sex. It was amazing. Far better than vaginal intercourse. Screw that, oral sex was more fun, more intimate, and more enjoyable. Oral sex was DEFINATELY sex. Fingering though? Still not impressed.

Then I was fucked properly. With fingers. None of this blindly reach down my underwear, groping until I made a gasping noise. None of this sticking in dry fingers with hangnails until I informed them that they either needed lube, or to get me better warmed up. No, this was different. This was earth shattering fucking. Like I felt I had never had a *REAL* orgasm before fucking. It felt like it came from deep inside me, from my core, consuming my whole body fucking. Ripping the sheets of the bed fucking. Not from a penis, not from a dildo. From two fingers. That’s “it.”

Well, “it” totally re-defined my idea of sex all over again. Fingering, or finger fucking, which was supposed to be one of the first pre-cursors to “real sex” (society’s definition = vaginal intercourse), was so much better than the vaginal, or “real” sex that I have had. Oral sex, also great, and I love it, and PS, I’m never dating another person that “doesn’t go down on women”. That’s fucking bullshit. I’ve put all sorts of exciting and/or strange things in my mouth. You don’t like the taste? That’s what dams and flavored lubes are for. So in my book, GOOD (key word good) fingering and finger fucking, and oral sex, are sex in my book. Sure, vaginal and anal can be sex too, and I’m open for most things, but for me, the best sex experiences I’ve ever had have been oral and with fingers, so ergo, in my book, they are sex.

I think people need to define sex for themselves, and not look at society’s definitions of what sex is or isn’t. Sure, vaginal sex can make babies, but it sure has hell never made me sweat, and moan almost animal groans of pleasure. So for me, if that’s all sex was, then I wouldn’t be having it. For me, sex is what makes me happy, makes me glad I’m with the person I’m with, makes me breathe heavy and pull them close, makes me arch my back and gasp. That is sex, no matter what anyone else says.

What are your thoughts, definitions, rages at my rant, etc?