Sexuality Happens

WARNING: May contain information some consider to be “TMI.” In fact, it definately does – my journey as to how I define sex. Read at your own risk.

I was writing a column the other day on pleasure oriented versus goal oriented sex…something very important to me. And as I typed, I wound up going into a completely separate rant on the definitions of “sex.” Since I write “sex tips” for work, and not “rants about sex and society,” I’ve decided to elaborate here, both for my own edification, as well as to start discussion.

Granted, my definition of sex is contstantly changing, and I hope will continue to do so. And when I was back in HS, and was 13 and 14, I was pretty much anti-sex. Especially oral sex; I would not be sucking or licking anyone anywhere below the belt. Clearly, that has changed. We evolve.

Originally, I defined sex as vaginal or anal intercourse, which were the societal definitions put before me. I mean, I knew my aunt (a lesbian) and her partner were sexually active, but I didn’t really think about how my definition discluded them. Then my senior year, I went to a Peer Health Educator conference, in which someone said something that stuck with me; “I think that oral sex is a lot more intimate that intercourse; I mean, for god’s sake, someone has their head IN YOUR CROTCH.” It really made me think. My own theory was more of a ‘oral sex is more intimate because you’re giving a gift to someone, letting them be completely selfish in receiving pleasure.’ Either way, I started to think of oral sex as more of “sex” and less of “foreplay.”

However, I wasn’t getting much my first year of college, until I was sexually assaulted. After that, I, understandably, was very apprehensive about sexual activity, especially anything involving my head and a penis. I wound up hooking up with a Prospie (prospective student) on the floor of the study lounge one night, and he helped me face my fear; not by asking for oral sex. In fact, he down right didn’t want it – he told me he just wanted to give (and was really cute about it – after he took my pants off, he put my slippers back on so I wouldn’t get cold – how cute is that??). This was my first consentual experience beyond gropage, and so it was a bit frightening and nerve racking, and while I enjoyed it, it certainly wasn’t outstanding – I spent the majority of the time wondering if I was doing things right, how I tasted, how I was supposed to fake an orgasm (which I didn’t – hoooray for pleasure oriented sex), etc.

Then my next few experiences with sex involved me giving my partners oral sex, and occasionally, being fingered by them in return. To me, fingering was by no means sex…goodness knows my vibrator felt much better, and sometimes it hurt, because they didn’t know what they were doing, and I was afraid to speak up. I learned to speak up, and it was still ok, but nothing amazing, and sometimes it bothered people that I would ask them to speed up or slow down.

By this point, my best friend Anne and I had come up with a working definition for sex. It was anything you could do with a partner, that could lead to orgasm (but didn’t have to if that wasn’t what you wanted), that you couldn’t do by yourself. So we pretty much had oral, vaginal and anal sex (however it was done). I suppose a breast orgasm would also fit into that category, because try as I might, I’ve never been able to give myself one. Fingering, while fun at times, was not “really” sex to me; it was something my partners did because they felt they had to do something in return, but since I enjoyed going down, it wasn’t a chore for me, and they didn’t have to return the favor in order to not feel guilty. Ergo, the fingers jammed haphazardly on and into my lady parts.

As we all know, I hate the word, and the concept; VIRGINITY. If it’s something to be taken, or to be lost, why can’t you get it back? If you’re assaulted, are you still are virgin? If you only fuck other women, does that make you a virgin for life? What if you lost your hymen horseback riding, dancing, or to a tampon or hairbrush handle? It’s a stupid idea to me. However, since it’s part of my sex history and sexual realization, I lost my vaginal intercourse virginity in December 2005. I didn’t expect it to be a big deal, and it wasn’t (although he flipped out in the shower afterwards, because my burgundy dye turned the water a bit pink, and he thought I was hemorraging or something. I was amused). Vaginal sex, while interesting at times, was quite boring to me, and having a small vagina, made me sore, and quite often, my partner as well. If this was the only thing I defined “sex” as, well, sex would have sucked. Luckily, I was beyond that now. He was not.

This past summer I had my first post-prospie experience being given oral sex. It was amazing. Far better than vaginal intercourse. Screw that, oral sex was more fun, more intimate, and more enjoyable. Oral sex was DEFINATELY sex. Fingering though? Still not impressed.

Then I was fucked properly. With fingers. None of this blindly reach down my underwear, groping until I made a gasping noise. None of this sticking in dry fingers with hangnails until I informed them that they either needed lube, or to get me better warmed up. No, this was different. This was earth shattering fucking. Like I felt I had never had a *REAL* orgasm before fucking. It felt like it came from deep inside me, from my core, consuming my whole body fucking. Ripping the sheets of the bed fucking. Not from a penis, not from a dildo. From two fingers. That’s “it.”

Well, “it” totally re-defined my idea of sex all over again. Fingering, or finger fucking, which was supposed to be one of the first pre-cursors to “real sex” (society’s definition = vaginal intercourse), was so much better than the vaginal, or “real” sex that I have had. Oral sex, also great, and I love it, and PS, I’m never dating another person that “doesn’t go down on women”. That’s fucking bullshit. I’ve put all sorts of exciting and/or strange things in my mouth. You don’t like the taste? That’s what dams and flavored lubes are for. So in my book, GOOD (key word good) fingering and finger fucking, and oral sex, are sex in my book. Sure, vaginal and anal can be sex too, and I’m open for most things, but for me, the best sex experiences I’ve ever had have been oral and with fingers, so ergo, in my book, they are sex.

I think people need to define sex for themselves, and not look at society’s definitions of what sex is or isn’t. Sure, vaginal sex can make babies, but it sure has hell never made me sweat, and moan almost animal groans of pleasure. So for me, if that’s all sex was, then I wouldn’t be having it. For me, sex is what makes me happy, makes me glad I’m with the person I’m with, makes me breathe heavy and pull them close, makes me arch my back and gasp. That is sex, no matter what anyone else says.

What are your thoughts, definitions, rages at my rant, etc?