Sexuality Happens

I’m a woman who has always thought of myself as straight. However, I have made a new friend that I think I like in a more friendly way. I want to pursue it more, and I think I’m sexually attracted to her. Does this mean I’m a lesbian, or am I bisexual?
-Confused in Kentucky

Labels can be very funny things. We apply them to all kinds of situations, to identify people and their choices. However, sometimes they can be limiting as well. In our society, it’s hard to belong to more than one group in general, none the less to more than one group in a category.

 In class the other day, we were discussing a woman who identified as a lesbian. One night, she had sex with a man (and as a result, got pregnant). However, she still identifies as a lesbian (not a bisexual). Labels are what we make of them. 

Some of us try to go without labels – I have quite a few friends that I identify as “genderqueer” as they try and shed the labels society places on both their sex and gender. Sometimes, this makes life a lot harder for them (hell, even my train pass is gendered – when you buy it, they put either an F or an M on it), but it is who they identify as, and they do so for a variety of reasons, including in an attempt to do away with some of our labels. 

That whole spiel was to lead up to the idea of labels of orientation. You yourself told me you are a woman. That’s your gender identity. You like me (or so it seems, from you telling me you’re straight). And now, you’re interested in a woman. What does that make you? It could be a variety of things. If you decide you only like women now, then yes, you could identify as a lesbian. If you decided you like both men and women, you could identify as bisexual. Maybe you’re open to all genders, and want to identify as pansexual. You might continue to identify as straight. Or maybe you’re just open minded. 

You chose. In my opinion, what you identify as is less important here than the next step you plan on taking. It sounds like you’re clearly interested in this woman, in maybe both a relationship and a sexual sense. What do you plan on doing? Are you going to keep these feelings to yourself, or do you plan on approaching her to see if maybe she shares some interest? In these circumstances, you need to make these decisions for yourself, and not based on what others say, or on whatever label you decide to give to yourself. We like who we like, and can’t change that. Whether or not you decide to pursue her, the attraction to her is there, and that’s something that is very personal, and no one else can tell you how to label yourself, or how you should identify. 

So I’m sorry I can’t answer your question – I don’t know if you’re straight, bisexual, lesbian, pansexual, or anything else (although I’m fairly certain you’re probably not asexual). That’s your identity, and I can’t tell you what it is. However, I can wish you the best of luck on your journey of self-discovery. 

I have so many labels on me that it’s not even funny,

Essin’ Em

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