Sexuality Happens

I keep talking about the awesome sex that I’m having right now…but I think it’s only fair…both to you, and to myself, to mention how incredibly scared I was.

My current partner identifies as gender queer. I’ve never fucked someone who was gender queer. I hooked up with a lesbian who now identifies as a trans guy…but that’s the closest I’ve come…and this person was pretty stone. Not to the point where I couldn’t interact at all, but where the nights tended to be all about me…and while we got to the point where I could look, and eventually touch, I wasn’t allowed to give oral sex, or bring them to orgasm…something that was really hard for me.

I am bad at many things, and am ok with this. However, I hate being “bad” or “unsure” at sex. Stupid, I know. But I study sex god damn it. And I write sex tips for the biggest by women, for women porn site in the world…shouldn’t I just be naturally good at it? (I know, bullshit…I keep telling myself that). I’ve prided myself on being big on communication…once we’re already in action; “how does this feel? do you want it more like this or like this?” etc. And for last couple o’ bio guys I’ve been with, they’ve told me I’ve given them the best blow jobs of their lives. I LIKE being good at something…and sex seems to be it…so when I don’t know what to do, I panic. I really liked this person, but was ready to fall apart the second clothes started coming off.

I was anxious. What if I did something insulting? What if I called a body part by a name that made my partner cringe? What if I touched the wrong way? What if I just sucked at it. I don’t have that much sexual experience (in the scheme of things) to begin with…and the first couple of years were solely with bio guys…female bodies were still relatively new to me, and now I was about to partner with a smart, witty, caring, amazing genderqueer person. What if I completely failed?

I talk about sex like I know things. Somethings I do, either from experience, interviewing, or classes. But I’m just as clueless as everyone else on a whole multitude of issues. I’m no sex goddess…just another helpless person confused by and scared of certain aspects of sexuality. I don’t have all the answers…though I wish I did. I have enough trouble with my identity (currently a non-monogamous pansexual queer femme woman)…how could I presume to be good at interpreting someone else’s? I felt like a fraud.

Luckily, I stopped being an idiot. I remember what a big fan I am of communication. We talked. I still felt nervous. But the first time I heard a moan, felt their body quiver, watched them contort in pleasue? My fears and anxieties melted away. “Tell me what to do. Tell me what feels good, how you like it” was all it took. I’d much rather be told how to make someone feel exquisite than pretend I know what I’m doing, or worse yet, feel offended that I wasn’t perfect all on my own.

And even more luckily, I’ve found someone that is ok telling me how they like it (and doesn’t mind me doing the same), and who puts up with my weird anxieties and awkwardness. So for now, I can be a newbie, someone learning my partner’s body, beginning to understand the subtleties…and it’s ok to not know. Even I’m not perfect 100% of the time.

As a Colorado born and bred, free lovin’ hippie, I’m always (ok, at least quite often) thinking about the environment. It’s strange out here in PA how rare recycling is…versus in CO, where all schools had it, most work places, malls, etc. I’ve yet to see a recylcing place here.

Now, I’m not saying that to be green-friendly you need to hug a tree (although that’s always nice) or only flush the toilet every 10-20 times. Most people (myself included) aren’t 100% environmentally friendly 100% of the time. That’s ok.

Well, this is a sex blog, and so this post is about ways you can keep your sex life and your love for nature intertwined.

*Don’t buy cheap, semi-disposable toys. It sucks for the earth, and it sucks for your budget. Rather, save up, and buy a toy that will last longer. Metal N-Joy toys like the Pure Wand are classic, elegant, work super well, and last forever. Ditto with glass dildos like the Lattachino Swirl Probe

*Like vibes better? Considered a plug in or rechargable, battery free vibe like the Hitachi magic wand

*Recharagable batteries are a good alternative to using up tons and tons (and you can also use them for digital camera and other battery life-suckers).

*Make sure when disposing of condoms, you throw them out rather than flushing them…and if you’re an exhibitionist like myself, make sure you don’t leave used condoms out in parks where animals can get to them and choke.

*Like to conserve water? Take a shower together with your partner, sharing the water (and the energy used to heat the water)

*Save some electricity, and have sex by candle light. Or go outside while it’s still day light, and you won’t need an alternative light source.

*Recycle old lube containers (look for the arrows in a circle, plus a number)

*Use normal house hold items like clothes pins and scarves to spice up your sex lives, instead of always buying brand new shiny toys that come with layers upon layers of packaging.

*Give back to the earth and get down and dirty at the same time. Maybe you and your partner could volunteer to clear trails or clean up a park. And after you’re all sweaty and have the cute smudge of dirt on your cheek? Well, time to get another type of dirty! And then while getting clean in the shower, there’s always the possibility of more sex.

Just some ideas to get you started…since I love the Earth alllllmost as much as I love sex. ALMOST.

-Essin’ Em

Imagine that you’re traveling, and staying in a swanky hotel. You flip on the TV and buy a pair per view movie. You open the mini bar, and purchase some liquor to keep yourself entertained. You call down and order up some room service to quench your hunger. Add a long soak in the tub, a terry robe, and a comfy bed. All your needs are taken care of, except for one. Now the decison is which sex toy do you want delivered?

Call it the most genius marriage of sexy service and style to date…

Besides, what would New York City be if we weren’t at the forefront of scandalous and daring?

Evidently, I’ve always stayed at the wrong hotels.

Essin’ Em

Order some sex toy room service and read on

I want to have a threesome. Should it be two guys and a gal, or two gals and a guy, or 3 of a kind? How will we know who does what? Can I get some help here?

-Multiple partnered in Minneapolis

Seems like you’re looking to add another dimension to your relationship and you’re thinking ahead. Way to go!

How one goes about having a threesome depends on a lot of things, and of course is a very individual choice to make. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: don’t let anyone pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to do. Ever.

Before you begin, make sure you’re really ok with the idea of threesome. While they can definitely be a fun time, they are not for everyone. Some people do not like the idea of their partner being sexual with anyone else, even if they’re there at the time. Others think the idea sounds great, until their partner makes a different noise, or tries something new with the third person. This can create jealousy and strife between couples and/or friends. Once you’ve decided this is the right thing for you, and you’re ready to have a ménage a trios, here are some things to consider before you hop into bed:

First, are you single or with a partner? If you’re single, it can be easier because you don’t need to talk to your partner about how they feel about this whole thing. When you’re ready to have a threesome as a single person, you can look at finding two other single people or finding a couple. Make sure that if you decide to get it on with a couple, they are both ok with it, and they have followed the steps I talk about later that are for couples. Currently, it’s very “in” for couples to find a third person (usually a woman), and since it’s trendy, you should have no problem with finding a couple.

How do you find this multitude of couples looking for a third? Many couples use online sites with personals sections to look for a third, and you can browse their ads, or post one of your own. I personally find it easier to browse ads and choose who I contact because the one time I posted an ad of my own (albeit not about a threesome), my inbox was flooded with all types of people in whom I had not interest (and some who were downright creepy). You can also look at sex/swingers clubs, although those have door fees unlike the Internet. You can also go online (or to the clubs) to find two single people to hook up with at the same time.

If you’re already in a relationship, it’s very important to make sure that both of you are interested in this. It does not count if either of you is blackmailing the other. Saying “if you really loved me, you’d let us have a threesome” does not count as consent. It’s unethical. Don’t be a bad partner. You may really, really, really, want to try it , but your partner may feel equally as strong about not adding a third person to the sexual mix. Please remember to respect each other.

Let’s say you’ve talked to your partner, and you’re both into this idea (it’s ok if you’re nervous, as long as you both want to try it out). Firstly, you need to decide what gender you’d like the third to be. If you’re two lesbians, you may think it’s “obvious” that you’d look for a third woman, but maybe your partner was thinking about this being a good opportunity to give a guy a try, while still being with her queer partner. Again, talk. Communication is key! There is a stereotype that all straight males only want threesomes with two women, but having taken a quick poll around the office and among friends, this is not the case. One told me he’d be less stressed with two guys, because he wouldn’t feel pressured to be the perfect loved to two women at once. I personally don’t think I could handle two penises at once, but I would totally be into being topped by two guys…or just lying back and having two guys worship me.

That’s where the next part comes in. Once you decide who you’re looking for, you need to decide what the two of you would like to do. Maybe you want to have intercourse together, and then have one of you perform oral sex on the third, or maybe just have a night full of oral sex! Or maybe the idea of your partner fucking someone else while your masturbate is exactly what turns you on. Is it ok if you kiss the third person? Is it ok if your partner does so? Maybe kissing and fucking is ok, but oral sex is reserved only for the two of you in a long-term relationship. These are all things that you two need to talk about before you even begin searching for a partner.

Once you start looking, you can use the same avenues I suggested above – online personals or sex clubs. You can also try to pick someone up while you’re out an about, or you might want to join a polyamory group or attend play parties to find a third.

Another choice that singles or couples can make in their pursuit of a sexual trifecta is to bring in a friend (or a couple they’re friendly with). This option certainly has its own pros and cons. By hooking up with someone you already know, you have a good idea of their personality, what they like, and you may have an easier time discussing what is ok and what is not ok with them. However, if something goes wrong with the threesome, you could at the very least have some future awkward moments, and at the worst, you might have ruined a good friendship. What would you do if your partner did something for him/her that they don’t do with you? Is it possible that you might start feeling jealous of your friend, and take it out on them, either actively or passively? Would it be awkward if you saw your friend fucking, and then sat next to them at the office meeting the next day? These things need to be thought about before you make this choice.

Once you’ve found someone(s) to be the Larry to your Moe and Curly, have the same talk with them about what they’re into and what they would/wouldn’t like to do. As soon as everyone is on the same page, it’s time to begin your adventure. It will not be perfect. Sex is rarely (if ever) perfect, even with two people. Add one more to the mix, and it just gets more hectic. People may feel ignored, someone may fall off the bed, or one of you may get squirted in the eye. Things happen. Just keep talking and checking in with each other and make sure everyone is doing ok. If everyone is having fun, that’s all that matters.

As a last caveat, don’t forget about using safer sex! Women who have sex with women need safer sex just as much as hetero couples…and that includes threesomes. Keep this in mind.

I hope I’ve given you some good steps to begin your hunt for your threesome. Best of luck!

Please come and join me,

Essin’ Em

Originally Posted on HotMoviesForHer.com

Ever wonder what Essin’ Em would look like as a Simpson? Here’s the closest I could get :)

Now that I finally have my own place, I am really beginning to appreciate how awesome naked time truly is. I can walk around naked, sleep naked, shower naked (ok, did that before), and even cook naked (though nothing with hot oil…I learned the hard way) without worrying about offending anyone, or being objectified, or anything.

I LOVE being naked. The more time I spend naked, the happier I am naked, and the more I wanted to be naked again. The more time I like myself when I’m naked, the more I love my body and just love general nakedness of everyone. I’m more accepting of myself and others.

I propose that everyone should have at least 30 minutes of mandatory nakedness (aside from showers, baths and changing clothes) a day, whether alone, or with others, in an effort to help everyone begin to love their bodies more, and to feel more free.

Hell, I like being naked with other people too, if I trust them, whether in sexual/relationshipy-sleepovery sense (hi schatz!) or completely non-sexual senses, like naked hot springs or at a party last night when I was demonstrated taking shots from my breasts (no, no video yet. I’ll keep my eyes opened for pictures…I couldn’t take one obviously, since I was shooting the show from my breasts).

Naked is neato, and I highly suggest it for everyone.

It’s been a rough weekend. I’m tired. Bedtime for tired Essin’ Em.

While I wasn’t sure what I, a queer woman, was going to do with a guide for straight girls, I resigned myself to reading it – the things we do for the good of humankind, it’s horrible, I know. Luckily for me, the book was quite well written, and actually provided some good information (particularly on safer sex for women who sleep with women, something many queer and lesbian sex books often leave in the dark). She explains her useage of the word straight, which I appreciated, and gives a plethora of tips in many areas related to sex with women. Yes, I had some issues with a few things, like her usage of the word “tits” and her emphasis on imbibing a little before getting it on, but over all, this book had some excellent points, and would be a good addition to the library of most people, queer, straight, or straight who are sexually queer. I go into far more details if you click below, promise!

-Essin’ Em

Read the rest of my review and get it on with the ladies

While I wasn’t sure what I, a queer woman, was going to do with a guide for straight girls, I resigned myself to reading it – the things we do for the good of humankind, it’s horrible, I know. Luckily for me, the book was quite well written, and actually provided some good information (particularly on safer sex for women who sleep with women, something many queer and lesbian sex books often leave in the dark). She explains her useage of the word straight, which I appreciated, and gives a plethora of tips in many areas related to sex with women. Yes, I had some issues with a few things, like her usage of the word “tits” and her emphasis on imbibing a little before getting it on, but over all, this book had some excellent points, and would be a good addition to the library of most people, queer, straight, or straight who are sexually queer. I go into far more details if you click below, promise!

-Essin’ Em

Read the rest of my review and get it on with the ladies

I don’t know what it is about fan-fiction slash. I’ve liked it from way back when….when fanfiction.net used to have an NC-17 category (that of course I, along with everyone else, visited before I was 17…which is probably why they no longer have that), and there were hot Willow/Buffy and Spike/Xander and Spike/Oz stories…and Harry/Ron and Harry/Draco and Lupin/Sirius (this was way way way back when, before Herminone/Cho and Luna/Hermione) stories…although my absolute favorite was a game of truth or dare with Angelina, Katie, Alicia, Fred, George, Harry, Ron and Oliver Wood that of course turned into a massive orgy.

I’m not sure why I like gay fan fiction (or the occasional gay porn. Such as Damon and Hunter: Doing it Together from ComstockFilms.com), but I do. I’ve seen lots of poorly (and sometimes okay-ly) done youtube videos…such as Harry/Malfoy to “if you were gay”and “naughty boy.”

However, this one is amazing. A-MAY-ZING. It’s well done, well cut, puts together good scenes, awesome background music, etc. I’m very impressed. And kind of turned on :)

Life has been going pretty well for me lately. If you’ll look above, you’ll see a picture of me that is a bit risque. My partner took it, telling me it would be of my boots (hence the holding up of the dress), but as you may notice, the boots are nowhere to be seen. Hmmmm.

I’ve been trying all kinds of new things lately that I’ve always wanted to try…different types of bondage and dom/sub stuff, adding whipped cream to the mix (I’ve done ice and ice cream, the whipped cream was new), new positions, etc. I’ve discovered that I really really really like being made to wait to come. As in I have to ask, and am told no, repeatedly. I mean, I’ve read about delayed orgasm, and seen enough Hogtied.com and Society of S and M videos to know I like fantasizing about giving up all control to even my orgasms, but it was super cool to realize that I actually like that IRL (in real life) as well. Yes, it may seem odd for someone of my confidence and forceful personality to enjoying being made to beg for permission to climax, but hey, welcome to the world of sexuality. It doesn’t make sense.

I’ve realized that the sex we’re having is so incredibly awesome because we talk about it. A lot. Before, occasionally during, and always after. We ask what we liked, disliked, wanted more of, less of, etc. We talk about how things might make us feel, and how we actually felt during it. It may sounds kind of heavy for sex, but I honestly feel that all this communication makes sex THAT much better. To the point where I’m open to trying things I haven’t been interested in at all before, because I trust my partner to care about how I’m feeling, and to respect me (as well as of course to stop if I’m not into it). I’m discovering new things about my sexuals tastes, which is AWESOME.

If you’re looking for a cool BDSM style negotiation form, LeatherFamilyOnline.com (a leather family headed by Bo Blaze and Dommina Skye) has a wonderful form they encourage people to look over and download. However, even if you’re not into “kink,” you and your partner can definitately use a negotiation sheet of your own to open up conversation. How to make one?

*Sit down with your partner. Brainstorm all types of things people can do sexually, even if you know both of you dislike them. Some categories are bigger (fellatio, vaginal intercourse, manual stimulation of the vulva, anal penetration, etc) and some are far more specific (spanking with a hairbrush, french maid role play, hickies, etc).

*Once you have a list, make two copies. SEPARATELY, both of you should fill them out. How?

*Put a Y or an N next to each one, for whether you’ve done it or not. Write NO in BIG letters if it is a hard limit that you will never do. Do them all before moving on.

*Now go back and put a number 0-5 next to it. 0 is “I don’t like it, but I’ll do it if it turns my partner on” and 5 is “ooh! ooh! pick me! yes please!” and so on (or the two of you can decide together on a different scale.) Also, if you’re scared of something, but might be into it, put an + and if you’re into something, but are kind of embarassed or feel awkward talking about it, put a !

*At the bottom, write 3 sexual things you REALLY like. It could be fantasies, it could be kisses on your hips, it could be doggy style. Anything. And write 3 things you don’t like, or aren’t fond of. It could be terms (I personally hate the word tits), or an activity (I don’t really like having my feet played with) or something specific (I love giving head, but hate hands on my head while doing it)

*Now trade lists. Look over what your partner likes/doesn’t like. Maybe there are some suprises, maybe not. Have questions? TALK TO EACH OTHER! Maybe you’ve both just discovered you are both really into hair pulling/high heels/delayed orgasm/rear entry/??? – Well great! Or maybe your partner thought you really liked doing it on the kitchen counter, and you just did it because they liked it (and they don’t feel either way about it).

Voila. Hopefully now you have new things to try, or at least do in different ways than before. Granted, you certainly don’t NEED a list for this, but it’s a good way to really look at yourself and what YOU want, and than share. Some couple have trouble talking about sex, so this can be a diving board into the deep waters of sexuality. And if you’re already having hot steamy sex all the time, ignore me. Clearly you’ve got it covered, and should share your secrets with me!

And guess who gets to see her partner tomorrow? Oh, that’d be meeeeeeeee!

-Essin’ Em