Sexuality Happens

I keep talking about the awesome sex that I’m having right now…but I think it’s only fair…both to you, and to myself, to mention how incredibly scared I was.

My current partner identifies as gender queer. I’ve never fucked someone who was gender queer. I hooked up with a lesbian who now identifies as a trans guy…but that’s the closest I’ve come…and this person was pretty stone. Not to the point where I couldn’t interact at all, but where the nights tended to be all about me…and while we got to the point where I could look, and eventually touch, I wasn’t allowed to give oral sex, or bring them to orgasm…something that was really hard for me.

I am bad at many things, and am ok with this. However, I hate being “bad” or “unsure” at sex. Stupid, I know. But I study sex god damn it. And I write sex tips for the biggest by women, for women porn site in the world…shouldn’t I just be naturally good at it? (I know, bullshit…I keep telling myself that). I’ve prided myself on being big on communication…once we’re already in action; “how does this feel? do you want it more like this or like this?” etc. And for last couple o’ bio guys I’ve been with, they’ve told me I’ve given them the best blow jobs of their lives. I LIKE being good at something…and sex seems to be it…so when I don’t know what to do, I panic. I really liked this person, but was ready to fall apart the second clothes started coming off.

I was anxious. What if I did something insulting? What if I called a body part by a name that made my partner cringe? What if I touched the wrong way? What if I just sucked at it. I don’t have that much sexual experience (in the scheme of things) to begin with…and the first couple of years were solely with bio guys…female bodies were still relatively new to me, and now I was about to partner with a smart, witty, caring, amazing genderqueer person. What if I completely failed?

I talk about sex like I know things. Somethings I do, either from experience, interviewing, or classes. But I’m just as clueless as everyone else on a whole multitude of issues. I’m no sex goddess…just another helpless person confused by and scared of certain aspects of sexuality. I don’t have all the answers…though I wish I did. I have enough trouble with my identity (currently a non-monogamous pansexual queer femme woman)…how could I presume to be good at interpreting someone else’s? I felt like a fraud.

Luckily, I stopped being an idiot. I remember what a big fan I am of communication. We talked. I still felt nervous. But the first time I heard a moan, felt their body quiver, watched them contort in pleasue? My fears and anxieties melted away. “Tell me what to do. Tell me what feels good, how you like it” was all it took. I’d much rather be told how to make someone feel exquisite than pretend I know what I’m doing, or worse yet, feel offended that I wasn’t perfect all on my own.

And even more luckily, I’ve found someone that is ok telling me how they like it (and doesn’t mind me doing the same), and who puts up with my weird anxieties and awkwardness. So for now, I can be a newbie, someone learning my partner’s body, beginning to understand the subtleties…and it’s ok to not know. Even I’m not perfect 100% of the time.