Sexuality Happens

So, this isn’t really a question from any of you, rather, it is I, Essin’ Em, imparting a bit of my recently learned knowledge up on you, the rest of the world.

Sex and camping. These are two things that do not necessarily go together. I actually really dislike camping. However, my partner invited me on a camping trip, and since I wanted to spend time with said partner, I went. However, I did have an ulterior motive; my partner promised me hot camping sex if I went on this trip, and we all know that the promise of delectable and adventurous sex is something I can never turn down. So off I went into the land of woods, bears and spiders, in the pursuit of hot camping sex.

First of all, may I please recommend you invest in a cheap air mattress. It doesn’t have to be fancy, even inflatable rafts will do. You’ll be very thankful I suggested this. No, really. My bad knees aside, the ground is HARD. Air mattresses are also good for sleeping, as well as a sex-ing, so I give them a thumbs up.

What else will you need? NON-SCENTED lube. According to our friendly neighborhood park ranger, bears can smell very well, and so you must keep anything scented – food, toothpaste, deodorant, – out of the tent. Being the cautious little Girl Scout that I am, I’d put scented lube in that category as well…ergo, go for the scent-less stuff (and it’s better for your naughty bits as well). Something we discovered about lube is that a surprise drop of freshly cooled lube (you ARE camping – anything liquid cools down really fast when you’re outdoors) on your clit feels absolutely AMAZING. If you don’t like cold stuff on your parts, pour it in your hands and rub it around to warm it up first.

As far as sleeping bags go, I thought I was pretty ingenious…I bought two cheap single sleeping bags and zipped them together to create a queen sized sleeping bag for the two of us to share. It was ideal both for sex and for cuddling without losing body heat to the cold outdoors. They make special “couples” sleeping bags, too. You can use your own personal bags as well — just think about how cold it’ll be at 11pm when you’re naked in the middle of the wilderness. Something to consider.

Another thing to think about is whether you’ll be hiking off into the boondocks where any noise you make won’t be noticed, or if you’ll be at a campground (family oriented or otherwise) where you have to guard your sounds more. We were at the latter, but let me tell you, having to be quiet can add a super hot and kinky dynamic to your sex.

I’m speaking mostly about tent sex because I wasn’t ready to let spiders, ticks, or other creepy crawlies get anywhere near my vagina, and because I like to keep my vulva mosquito bite free. However, if you’re into to outdoor-outdoor sex, make sure you sprits on some bug spray (and perhaps sun block, depending on your timing) before you go at it, to protect yourself and your partner.

Something to remember — carry out what your carried in. Condoms,latex, sheepskin or otherwise, are not disposable. If you use them, wrap them up, and take them to an approved trash disposal site – you don’t want poor little creatures swallowing them and dying (although apparently some woman had one in her lung for a few weeks, so I guess it’s possible to live through such an event). If you bring vibrators (hey, you never know!) and the batteries run out, don’t forget to dispose of them properly as well. Be as nice (or nicer) to the wilderness as it is to you.

That’s about it for camping sex. Just take generic precautions, and you could be getting it on in fantastic, fun-filled forests in no time!

I’m always prepared,

Essin’ Em

Originally Posted on HotMoviesForHer.com

J was kind enough to take a plethora of hot (IMHO) pictures for the next couple of HNT, so I really hope you enjoy. If they’re too risque for you, let me know, and I’ll be more proper in the future :)

Yesterday was my last day with HotMoviesForHer.com and I’ll be starting a new job on Tuesday the 4th with none other than EdenFantasys.com Wish me luck!

This post is in response to some writings by Thomas Paine at Peversely Poly. You can read it here.

Basically, he talks about being out there and open with one’s sexuality (in his case, being in a polyamorous relationship), and how he doesn’t see the need to “come clean” about his sexuality.

It got me thinking…especially where he talks about it being seemingly more important for younger people to be “out there” with their sexualities. I agree that the younger generation has certainly been more vocal about their various sexualities, and has even created a plethora of new terms to use (genderqueer, FTM, boi, etc) to describe different aspects of sexuality.

However, he stated that he thought it had a lot to do with wanting to be supported by their families, and it being a new thing and “wanting to tell everyone!” While this may be a part of it, I don’t think it’s a majority of the reasons that many queer people “flaunt” or openly share their sexualities.

Queer people have not, for a long period of history, been able to even come out and acknowledge their sexualities, none the less share and discuss them. They could be killed for expressing their gender and/or orientation, black listed, and much more. Yes, this still happens, but not nearly to the extent it did when some cities and countries had prisonment or death as a punishment for admitted homosexuality.

Nowdays, it’s more ok (as a whole, depending on where you are, who you’re talking to, etc) to let people know you’re queer. They might not like it, might not support it, but it’s much rarer for you to lose your life (or job) over the admission you’re queer. My aunt was in the airfore for 12 years…and had to cover the entire time because oh yes, she’s a lesbian. I’m aware this still happens, this covering, but it’s not to the same extent.

Now that we *can* be open about our sexualities, it’s hard to try and cover them up again, or to not take advantage of the fact that we can educate, and maybe one day, change the world.

Why am I open about my sexuality? A few reasons.

Most of it is connected with rights, and the support of others, although vanity (“oh yes, I’m a queer getting a master’s in human sexuality studies” – and yes, I sometimes have to cover what I do for a living and where I go to school, so I count telling people what I study as being open about my sexuality) comes into play, as do a few other things.

I’m a queer, pansexual, poly, kinky femme who works in the adult industry and studies sex for a living. However, for the most part, people can easily see me as a vanilla, monogamous straight woman who works as a copyeditor and is getting an educational degree. But many of my friends don’t have the privilege of “passing” as vanilla and straight. Some are transgendered/transsexual/gender queer, and are outed every day, whether accidently (“oh, I’m sorry ma’am, you’re in the wrong bathroom”) or on purpose (“god damn fucking faggot bitch, you’re a girl, stop trying to be a boy!”).

My friends that are butch have been told to learn to be “real women”. My gay male friends have been told to stop taking it up the ass. While society as a whole has lessened the punishment for being queer, that doesn’t stop indivudals and groups from punishing those who “display” their sexuality by living the same lives heterosexual couples do, without covering.

I’m very rarely seen as queer (before I open my mouth), so while I occasionally use the privilege to speak as an ally to the uber-closed minded, I tend to come out and identify myself as queer/kinky/student of sexuality in order to have solidarity with my friends who don’t pass.

Also, I hope that by putting a face on “those crazy queers/poly/BDSM bodnage freaks” that maybe one day we’ll be less prosecuted. Maybe many of us won’t be scared to hold hands walking down the streets, to fly with our whips and floggers in a carryon bag, to have two daddies and a mommy all go to parents night. Rights are important too, but even social perception can hurt people so much….physically, mentally, and emotionally.

This is not to say that I introduce myself to everyone I meet as “oh, hi, I’m Essin’ Em. I’m queer, pansexual, I study sex, I’m in an open relationship, and oh, PS, I like being tied up.” There is a time and place for all of this discussion – I don’t talk about sexuality with friends’ parents/grandparents unless they (or my friends) bring it up first. I don’t tell the salesclerk checking me out what I’ll be using those clothes pins and that spatula for. I don’t usually get in debates about things with super conservatives…and sometimes, I purposely don’t say anything for safety issues.

But when I feel the need to identify, whether to prove something (people are talking about “well, all queers do _____” and I can same “but, I’m queer, and I don’t do __________”), or to educate, or to accomplish something, or to support a friend, then I will, without hesitation. I’d never date anyone without letting them know what I do for a living, and how I identify. I’d never work for a company that wouldn’t hire someone queer, or had a “don’t ask, don’t tell policy.” There is a difference between knowing when to bring it up, and having to cover. Unless it’s a safety thing, I try not to cover. It’s not fair that I can easily pass when others, in a similar boat, cannot.

I am a young person. I don’t do it for support from my family. I don’t tell everyone because it’s super exciting and new and fill in the blank. I do it for my friends, for myself, for those in the future, so they don’t have to fight the same fights. I do it to make people realize that sexuality permeates every facet of their lives, that it’s not something you can criminalize or ignore. I do it to educate the ignorant, and to open the eyes of those who don’t want to see.

I respect those who keep their sexualities to themselves. That’s a fine choice, one that some people make because they want to, and one that some make because they have to (they don’t want to be shunned/disowned/loose their job/lose custody of their kids, etc). Some people aren’t political, some don’t see sexuality as a large part of their identity, some people just don’t care that much. I just hope people realize I’m not flaunting my sexuality…it’s just part of me, the same way that being a vanilla, monogamous, straight woman working on an education degree is part of some people.

There’s a difference to me between just being out (acknowledging to yourself and close friends about your sexuality, or what have you, which is the place where Thomas Paine and many other seem to be) and being out there for a cause/for a reason. Many queer people are neither – they’re in a closet of sorts. Many more are “just out.” They don’t want/need to let others know, it’s just a part of them, one they don’t laud or applaud. And then there is another faction. Those that identify out loud, that out themselves to others, that make out like any other couple in public, that sign petitions, lead rallys, work at booths, write poety/sex blogs/music/etc…all of that is being out there, and hopefully it will lead to a more open and accepting society. In my dreams.

If you haven’t noticed, I got a new header last week. I now have a new banner as well, if anyone wants to use it to link to my site. Steal it, shrink it, blow it up, whatever…but if you link to me, let me know, so I can give you some love back.

Banner done by Drew at Semi Creative Genius

Looks pretty cool, huh?

<3 for awesome graphic artists! I am so computer un-savvy, it's not even funny.

I dressed up hardcore for our dinner date on Friday, and looked like this (don’t tell my PT or doctor I’m not wearing my knee brace!):

And this is what I look like after a few glasses of German wine:

When I want to be cute, I put my hair in pigtails like this (and take J to paint your own pottery):

And this is us at the end of a long weekend:

Am I high femme because I occasionally wear a dress and heels? Or am I not femme because I wear boxers and a tank top to bed? Does clothing = identity. I think not.

I’m a femme, that alternates my highness and lowness levels depending on the day. I wear what I like, and what is comfy. And I like looking cute, when I feel like it. Other wise, jeans and a t-shirt work fine for me.

But seriously – hot dress, yes??? :)

-Essin’ Em

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #95? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form.

This Week’s Picks

Fisted, first.

“And it was lovely, because the movements made by his fist inside me were so different to a cock.”

The Razor, the Tape and the Man

“He’s never known this lack of control, this unstoppable surge of orgasm, this wave of ecstasy soldiers crossing his territory.”

Sex Work And Religion: Monotone Man

“Religion comes up during calls more than I anticipated when I started doing sex work.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself

Masterlock Street Cuffs

Editor’s Choice

Watching my girl’s caning

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Butch/Femme, Spanking and Team Gina, Oh My!

“If you jump into bed on a first date, it’s already over” and other Myths

Normal.

Or, When Fantasy Ruins Your Love Life

Sex in the possibly public square

The Storm Cone

When trust faltered…

Sex News & Reviews

Sex Blogger Cocktail Party In Toronto

Sex Toy Review: njoy Butt Plug

Wet vs. dry rub

BDSM & Fetish

The Blindfold

Dinner Party

Happy HNT – Subspace bondage

I’m Not Ready To Play Nice….

Manless

New Store!!! New Videos!!! New Look!!!

Posting tipsy

Social Kink Interviews Steve Diet Goedde

Trashy kisses

Weekend With CD Part I (Figging LFM)

Sex Poetry

Beauty mark

Mischief

NSFW Pics & Videos

Catalina loves To Take Pictures

Gabriella (Gallery Carre)

Jessica Beil Topless

A Reflective Half-Nekkid Thursday

Sandra Shine Nude

Valentina is a goldpiece

WebMistress Feature Gallery: Sultry Striptease

Sex & Politics

We Support the Human Rights Campaign

Erotic Writing and Experiences

Bubble Bath

Cadillac Confessions Vol. 1

Caught Between A Rock And A Hard On! – Part 1

Chatting

Every Six Seconds…#2

No reservations, part 2

Our holiday – part one

Party

Sexytime

Siesta

Sex from the Rooftops

Speaking of Porn Stars….

Sunshine On Naked Skin

That Makes Two

Wanking this weekend?

Warm Wet Velvet

We sleeping wake, and waking sleep

2500 hits since the middle of June. 1500 of which have come in the last two weeks…looks like I’m beginning to get noticed :) Thanks to everyone that is reading me!

I hope to go back through old entries to re-tag them (making it easier to search my stuff)….and for all you newcomers, a few posts back is a blog round up of my own stuff, so you can read the pieces that I feel explain me best.

Back to re-reading HP: DH.

UPDATE: I have my car back. And it only cost $440…oy yoy yoy!!!!! I need to get me a sugar daddy me thinks…

J came over Friday night. It was my turn to plan a (non-camping) weekend for us. Friday night, I dressed up to the nines (wait till you see pictures…high femme from head to toe, including heels – don’t tell my doctor) and we went out to Casablanca, a Morroccan restaurant where you eat with your fingers and belly dancers frequent the dining room. I was even invited up to dance, and had people clapping (although the fact that my breasts were falling out the front of my shirt might also have contributed to that). It was wonderful and romantic and lovely and fun, and I danced a lot.

Saturday, there was lots of hot sex of course, and a trip to Cold Stone for ice cream, and Color Me Mine (paint your own pottery)…with a stop at the grocery on the way home. I cooked us pasta, while at the same time slicing my finger open and gushing blood all over the sink. Poor J went running for band-aids, and panicked and such…I felt horrible.

Then more sex.

Sunday we were planning on going to the boardwalk, but instead, we lazed around, had a leisurely breakfast, watched Kathy Griffin, had sex, and organized/cleaned my apt. I like the cleaning bit (dishes, scrubbing, vaccuming, etc), but HATE organizing, and still haven’t even unpacked all my boxes from when I moved in July. J loves organizing…so helped me out. We make a good team, and my apartment looks GOOD.

Mexican food for dinner, where we had some really deep conversations about our families and growing up, and how that has affected us in some really deep ways.

Cuddling…more sex…more cuddling. Sleep. Morning cuddling, and then J left to go home, and I went to go to work, when my brakes started squealing, so my car is now in the shop, apparently getting $410 worth of new brakes, pads, rotors, etc. I wish I had know, and J could have stayed longer…

Notes on sex:
Poor J. We decided this was the weekend to try some anal play, something I’ve never done, and J’s only tried once. I decided to try it on J first, and we used lots of lube, gloves, deep breathing, and all that jazz. It was fine while doing it, but after J had an orgasm, and we were cleaning up the gloves and what not, I had this extreme reaction. I started sobbing. I have no idea why. J got off, wasn’t hurt, but I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me. J held me as I just kept crying and crying. It was so weird. Eventually, I was fine. But I still don’t know what it was that caused such a strange and visceral reaction. Had anyone else ever had something like this happen to them? Did you ever figure it out?

On to more fun and exciting sex: J topped me again on Saturday, this time a full scene. It was so hot, and so much fun…as was last night, where J spanked me again. I have some cute bruises and red marks all over my ass, but I love it. Again, spanking is a new thing for me, and I am enjoying our discoveries so much. As a side note, gag=not my thing at all. I get panicky, even though it’s totally breathable and such. Not for me. But paddle? HELL YES. Jesus christ, the paddle was awesome. Other good things to use; rubber pastry basters and plastic/rubber spatulas. Both work quite nicely as spanking implements.

Sex aside (or at least not at the forefront), I love this person so much. J was not someone I thought “RELATIONSHIP” about the first time we met. J is younger, still in college, a smoker. Things I didn’t think were compatible. We aren’t 100% compatible…we argue about small things, I roll my eyes when J acts silly in the grocery, we have different showering styles. But with y’all as my witnesses, I love J, and am so glad I’ve had this opportunity to be with such a wonderful person. I’m putting this out there for posterity.

5 years ago, I thought blow jobs (and oral sex in general) was gross, I thought bondage was violent, and I thought that any type of non-monogamy was cheating. I was a first year in college, and was an “open-minded liberal feminist” who wasn’t very open minded or liberal.

Clearly, I’ve changed my mind about oral sex. I enjoy giving blow jobs, and I enjoy licking cunt. Obviously, I’ve changed my mind about bondage – I was featured in a “BDSM and Feminism” article in a magazine in 2006, and I own restraints, clothes pins, blindfolds, a paddle, a gag, and more.

And apparently, I’ve changed my mind about non-monogamy.

I started becoming more open to the concept of polyamory in college. I had a friend that was involved in a polyamorous relationship, as were many of the people in the SCA. However, while my friend was quite ethical and communicative in her practices, many of the other “poly couples” I knew were not. They weren’t so much poly as “I want to fuck someone else while I’m still fucking you, so deal with it.” This is not polyamory. That’s coercion. Telling someone you’ll break up with them if they don’t let you sleep around = not ethical.

Last spring, I experience my first brush with polyamory in my person life. I wound up hooking up with a married derby girl. Her husband knew about it in advance, since I talked to him about it, and he was fine with it (and we actually secretly were sexually active while he, and a few other derby players were all watching a movie – risque!). It continued for one more night of fun, and then I went on a trip. She went a little psycho on me, sending me way too many messages, and piercing her tongue because I had once in passing mentioned I had never been with anyone with a pierced tongue, and thought it was cool. When I got home, I was looking towards asking her to back down a bit, but she thought of us in a long term relationship already (not something I was ready for). She was very angry when she found out I had hooked up with someone in California. Even though I wasn’t aware that I was apparently in a relationship, she was not ok with me having sex with anyone else. Period. Even if we had both agreed to be in a relationship, it would not have been ok for me to either have sex with anyone, or be in another relationship. She was being a hypocrite. She could be in 2 relationships, but I was only allowed to be with her. I wasn’t looking to be in a relationship with her at the time anyways, but even if I had been considering it, I wasn’t ok with that. Why was it ok for her, and not for me?

This spring, I read a required text for my Sexual Minorities class. The Ethical Slut. Some people love this book, some feel it’s outdated. At the very least, it was the first real publication that address polyamory/non-monogamy in a positive light. Yes, it needs to be updated. No, it doesn’t really cover transgender or genderqueer people. But it’s a good book to start with. It opened my eyes to ETHICAL non-monogamy, something I’d never seen in action before. I’m not saying I’m ready to live in a poly commune, but I certainly become more open and accepting to the idea of open/non-monogamous relationships.

I then met J. J was dating a trans boi. And me. And that was ok…because we both knew about each other. Then the two of them became much more involved for a bit, and I was more of a secondary, while he was the primary. Again, it was ok, because it was discussed. Eventually, they broke up…and now I’m J’s primary. We’ve talked about what happens when J leaves next week for school, and what we’re both ok with, and what we’re not into. How much information to let the other person know.

It’s SO nice. Partially because once my sub-concious realized that I always had the option of experiencing other people, it stopped panicking. It sounds stupid, and immature, I know, but I don’t do well in long term relationships. I get bored, or I start wondering if I’m missing out because I’m not able to persue other people, or dot dot dot, etc. Another part of the niceness is being openly able to talk to each other about those we find attractive. I can say my thoughts about “oh my god, this girl I met yesterday is so cute and so hot, and she’s single…I wonder if…” to J without feeling guilty about having them, none the about less sharing them.

With J going to school in NY, I could see our relationship falling apart, was it not open. This is not to say that the second J leaves, I’ll be banging everyone in sight. Far from it – I may not find anyone in whom I’m interested. But I won’t feel as though I am loosing opportunities because the person I really care about lives far away, and we rarely see each other.

We have to tell each other about what’s going on, for emotional and physical health reasons. People in non-monogamous relationship still cheat – not following the rules of any relationship is still cheating. And to me, it would be unethical NOT to tell the person I was seeing/fucking that I have a primary parter…I’m all about sleeping around, if it’s done ethically.

I feel that I am my own primary partner. As far as checking on the emotional/mental/physical well-being, and devoting time and resources, well, I’m number one in importance to myself. J is my non-me primary. I don’t have a secondary or tertiary (a post on relationship mapping as soon as I can find my damn notes about who came up with the concept) right now – I may never. But I’m so happy to be in an open/non-monogamous/polyamorous relationship with someone who is as ethical about it as I am, and is always open to chatting about it and so on.

And it helps that I care about J very much :)

So that’s my foray into non-monogamy…similar to everything else, I went from not into it to a proponent of it. But I guess that’s what growing is all about, right?

For all of you new to my blog (which is about 95% of you), I’ve decided to compile a list of my favorite 15 posts (or ones I think you should read if you want to get an idea of who I am), so that you don’t have to scan back through naked pictures, sex toy reviews, etc to read them. (HNT folks, scroll down – I’m there, promise!)

Ponderings on female orgasms – what are they, how they’re like snowflakes, and much more

My personal definitions of sex, and how I came to define it as such

My thoughts on a class assignment to ‘dress so you feel like the other gender’ (I know, my grad school is interesting)

Thoughts about mensturation, periods, the taboo subject of bleeding from your cunt, etc

How I came to love being naked…far too much

My opinion on various ‘terms of endearment’ (although things have changed slightly, I’m ok with J calling me babe, or occasionally baby…)

Feelings on mushiness and things that ‘require’ gifts, and so on

Frustration and venting on how society deems which words are acceptable

Why talking and negotiation with your partner(s) is so important!

Earth Friendly Sex. I’m a bit of a hippie from CO. Nuf said.

Being vunerable about having sex with my (genderqueer) partner for the first time

General feelings about not wanting to bear children from my womb (which by the way, is the first half of womabat!)

Views on relationships…including my current one

The now infamous “me fisting J” post

A little on Butch/Femme, a lot about me discovering that I like being spanked, and an awesome Team Gina video