Sexuality Happens

This post is in response to some writings by Thomas Paine at Peversely Poly. You can read it here.

Basically, he talks about being out there and open with one’s sexuality (in his case, being in a polyamorous relationship), and how he doesn’t see the need to “come clean” about his sexuality.

It got me thinking…especially where he talks about it being seemingly more important for younger people to be “out there” with their sexualities. I agree that the younger generation has certainly been more vocal about their various sexualities, and has even created a plethora of new terms to use (genderqueer, FTM, boi, etc) to describe different aspects of sexuality.

However, he stated that he thought it had a lot to do with wanting to be supported by their families, and it being a new thing and “wanting to tell everyone!” While this may be a part of it, I don’t think it’s a majority of the reasons that many queer people “flaunt” or openly share their sexualities.

Queer people have not, for a long period of history, been able to even come out and acknowledge their sexualities, none the less share and discuss them. They could be killed for expressing their gender and/or orientation, black listed, and much more. Yes, this still happens, but not nearly to the extent it did when some cities and countries had prisonment or death as a punishment for admitted homosexuality.

Nowdays, it’s more ok (as a whole, depending on where you are, who you’re talking to, etc) to let people know you’re queer. They might not like it, might not support it, but it’s much rarer for you to lose your life (or job) over the admission you’re queer. My aunt was in the airfore for 12 years…and had to cover the entire time because oh yes, she’s a lesbian. I’m aware this still happens, this covering, but it’s not to the same extent.

Now that we *can* be open about our sexualities, it’s hard to try and cover them up again, or to not take advantage of the fact that we can educate, and maybe one day, change the world.

Why am I open about my sexuality? A few reasons.

Most of it is connected with rights, and the support of others, although vanity (“oh yes, I’m a queer getting a master’s in human sexuality studies” – and yes, I sometimes have to cover what I do for a living and where I go to school, so I count telling people what I study as being open about my sexuality) comes into play, as do a few other things.

I’m a queer, pansexual, poly, kinky femme who works in the adult industry and studies sex for a living. However, for the most part, people can easily see me as a vanilla, monogamous straight woman who works as a copyeditor and is getting an educational degree. But many of my friends don’t have the privilege of “passing” as vanilla and straight. Some are transgendered/transsexual/gender queer, and are outed every day, whether accidently (“oh, I’m sorry ma’am, you’re in the wrong bathroom”) or on purpose (“god damn fucking faggot bitch, you’re a girl, stop trying to be a boy!”).

My friends that are butch have been told to learn to be “real women”. My gay male friends have been told to stop taking it up the ass. While society as a whole has lessened the punishment for being queer, that doesn’t stop indivudals and groups from punishing those who “display” their sexuality by living the same lives heterosexual couples do, without covering.

I’m very rarely seen as queer (before I open my mouth), so while I occasionally use the privilege to speak as an ally to the uber-closed minded, I tend to come out and identify myself as queer/kinky/student of sexuality in order to have solidarity with my friends who don’t pass.

Also, I hope that by putting a face on “those crazy queers/poly/BDSM bodnage freaks” that maybe one day we’ll be less prosecuted. Maybe many of us won’t be scared to hold hands walking down the streets, to fly with our whips and floggers in a carryon bag, to have two daddies and a mommy all go to parents night. Rights are important too, but even social perception can hurt people so much….physically, mentally, and emotionally.

This is not to say that I introduce myself to everyone I meet as “oh, hi, I’m Essin’ Em. I’m queer, pansexual, I study sex, I’m in an open relationship, and oh, PS, I like being tied up.” There is a time and place for all of this discussion – I don’t talk about sexuality with friends’ parents/grandparents unless they (or my friends) bring it up first. I don’t tell the salesclerk checking me out what I’ll be using those clothes pins and that spatula for. I don’t usually get in debates about things with super conservatives…and sometimes, I purposely don’t say anything for safety issues.

But when I feel the need to identify, whether to prove something (people are talking about “well, all queers do _____” and I can same “but, I’m queer, and I don’t do __________”), or to educate, or to accomplish something, or to support a friend, then I will, without hesitation. I’d never date anyone without letting them know what I do for a living, and how I identify. I’d never work for a company that wouldn’t hire someone queer, or had a “don’t ask, don’t tell policy.” There is a difference between knowing when to bring it up, and having to cover. Unless it’s a safety thing, I try not to cover. It’s not fair that I can easily pass when others, in a similar boat, cannot.

I am a young person. I don’t do it for support from my family. I don’t tell everyone because it’s super exciting and new and fill in the blank. I do it for my friends, for myself, for those in the future, so they don’t have to fight the same fights. I do it to make people realize that sexuality permeates every facet of their lives, that it’s not something you can criminalize or ignore. I do it to educate the ignorant, and to open the eyes of those who don’t want to see.

I respect those who keep their sexualities to themselves. That’s a fine choice, one that some people make because they want to, and one that some make because they have to (they don’t want to be shunned/disowned/loose their job/lose custody of their kids, etc). Some people aren’t political, some don’t see sexuality as a large part of their identity, some people just don’t care that much. I just hope people realize I’m not flaunting my sexuality…it’s just part of me, the same way that being a vanilla, monogamous, straight woman working on an education degree is part of some people.

There’s a difference to me between just being out (acknowledging to yourself and close friends about your sexuality, or what have you, which is the place where Thomas Paine and many other seem to be) and being out there for a cause/for a reason. Many queer people are neither – they’re in a closet of sorts. Many more are “just out.” They don’t want/need to let others know, it’s just a part of them, one they don’t laud or applaud. And then there is another faction. Those that identify out loud, that out themselves to others, that make out like any other couple in public, that sign petitions, lead rallys, work at booths, write poety/sex blogs/music/etc…all of that is being out there, and hopefully it will lead to a more open and accepting society. In my dreams.