Sexuality Happens

The other day, my friend was trying to tell me about a friend of hers. She described this woman as “just un-PC. You know how we all think judgmentally and place stereotypes on people, but realize that they usually aren’t true, or are unfounded, or even if they are true, it’s rude to say them? Yeah, well, she has no filter…she just says them.”

Now, I don’t know much at all about her friend, but I do know that her description was right. I can be as open minded as I want to be, and I strive to not place stereotypes and identities on people when I meet them…but I do in my head. If I’m walking late at night and hear footsteps behind me, I’m more likely to be nervous if I see a man rather than a woman…slightly prejudiced, yes, but I still think it. I admit it.

A preconception I didn’t realize I had buried deep inside, until recently was the stigma against young people (ie, “kids” and “teenagers”) having sex. I was visiting J at school, and one of J’s friends is 17. J’s friend is sexually active (I believe – it’s possible I misheard things that were said. Regardless, it’s my assumptions we’re talking about, not J’s friend’s actions). I was sexually active at 17. Most of my friends and partners were sexually active by the time they were 17 – whether or not that involved whatever they defined as “sex,” they were doing everything from dating to kissing to oral to anal and everything else. I KNOW 17 year olds are sexually active. I support free condoms in high schools. I think sexuality education should be taught from elementary school on up. I want kids and teenagers to be able to speak freely with their parents, doctors, etc about sex. Look how awesome and open-minded I appear to be.

But there is something you don’t know. My little sister is 17. 17 is the age of my younger sibling, the one person in the universe with whom I am uncomfortable talking about sex. I still see her as my littttttle sister, and am shocked when she does anything I may perceive as “grown-up” or “mature.” This included dating, getting a driver’s license, going to prom, wearing bikinis to the beach, etc. Having a sister who is 17 certainly skews my point of view.

When I hear about 17 year olds having sex, it’s fine. When I meet at 17 year old who is sexually active, or drinking, or smoking pot, or ________, I do a mini flip out inside my head. I’ve given my sister the safer sex talk (and goodness knows that she’s becoming quite the little feminist – I’m so proud!), and at last conversation, she told me she wasn’t sexually active (though honestly, if you WERE 17 and sexually active, would you seriously tell your older sister the truth?). Regardless, I see these 17 year olds as my baby sisters…what the hell is my baby sister doing having sex?

A better question is why the hell does it matter? Some people have their first consensual sexual experience at 12 or 13. For others, it’s 75 or 80 (and so interesting that sex among older people is also incredibly stigmatized…). Yes, the mean is somewhere between 15 and 20, depending on gender, orientation, location and so on, but people of all different ages have sex. It’s a fact of life. So why is our society (and then from social constructions and my sister, me) so down on younger people having sex. Take a 16 year old – a 16 year old can drive (in most states) down 75 mph freeways, but that’s ok. However, imagine them being loud and proud about practicing safer sex when they’re getting it on. Suddenly, they’re being immature, taking unneeded risks, and we’re (and be we, I mean society at large) all kinds of worried about them. Why? What is it that makes sex among teenagers so scary to us? And is it innate, or socially constructed? Do I panic about my sister being 17 and having sex because I see her as little, because I’m socially constructed to panic about 17 year olds having sex, or because deep down, I know that 17 year olds aren’t “meant” to have sex?

I’m guessing a little of a and a little of b, but I honestly can’t argue for any of c. A few hundred years ago, 12 and 13 year olds were getting married and having children. Yes, people died by the time they were 30, but still. They were doing it, most were doing so in as healthy a manner as they could given the time period, and I can’t imagine they were suffering extremely mentally or emotionally from the fact that they were sexually active at “such a young age.”

Our society tries to shelter and protect young people so much…sometimes only to hurt them. When I was 12, my father was re-diagnosed with cancer…in August. My parents waited UNTIL February (I was 13 by then) to let me know. He died in April. I had to deal with planning the funeral because my mother was a mess. A 13 year old is old enough to plan a funeral, and in my Jewish case, study the Torah and become and “adult” in the community, but can’t be told her father is ill? A 13 year old can deal with her father’s death on her own because she doesn’t get along with her mother, yet is not old enough to be sexually active? Why are some emotional things, and some physical things “ok” where as sex is an “absolutely not!”

It’s mostly in America. When I lived in Germany, my 15 year old host sister was sexually active, and the one who was 13 was dating a 17 year old. Deep down, I was shocked, but I respected their choices, and the fact that they talked about it with their mother. They were open about it, even asking me for a quick lecture on contraception…rather than hiding it from their family, only to end up dealing with a broken heart/undetected STI/unwanted pregnancy on their own. What makes America so different?

I have no answers…only questions. And I still support 17 year olds having sex. Or not. It should be their choice, without any pressure to either do so, or not do so. I was just so shocked at my own person “in my head” reaction. Yes, I have a filter and said nothing…what was there to say? I genuinely believe that some teenagers are ready to be sexually active (and some that aren’t do it anyways. It’s not up to me, and I support those that choose to do so, and hope they practice safer sex, both physically and emotionally. They have to make their own choices.

Except my sister. She’s never allowed to have sex, ever. She shouldn’t drive either. or go to dances. Or date. Or go to college. or grow up. I remember her when she wore diapers – ergo, she isn’t allowed grow up – she’ll always be my baby sister.