Sexuality Happens

I’m in “Clinical Issues in Transgender Communities” right now for one of my classes, so be ready for more posts on trans and genderqueer issues than usual.

Why do trans patients need these special “gatekeeper” (ie, psychologist letters) to get surgery? To get top surgery (breast removal) or hormones, trans people need to jump through a bunch of hoops (including living as their true gender for a certain period of time, going to a certain number of sessions) and present at least one letter of recommendation from a licensed psychologist that they are ok to get this. For bottom surgery, it’s the same deal, but they need a longer period of time for each, and two letters (one must be from someone with a Ph.D). Bottom surgery is known as sex reassignment surgery, but I’m going to start pushing my friend’s new term for it; gender alignment surgery.

I understand the argument that it is a big and usually permanent change, a medial procedure, and all that jazz. Fine.

What about optional, non-medically necessary, elective plastic surgery? Breast augmentation, breast reductions, rhinoplasty (nose jobs), calf implants, liposuction, etc…these are all elective (like gender alignment surgery is supposed to be, although I beg to differ), yet they require no notice from a psych person. You don’t need to live wearing a bra stuffed to a D cup for 6-12 months before having your breasts altered to that size, to see what the impact will be like…and let me tell you, many more people are going to be looking at your breasts (or nose!) than at your genitals on a regular basis.

So why the difference? Why does gender play such a big role? Why can someone get an entirely new face in order to assume a new identity, without needing to even get one psych evaluation? Why can someone get “stomach stapling” and lose hundreds of pounds, in essence, creating “a whole new them,” without ever setting foot in a psychologists office, yet a trans person cannot have their gender aligned with their identity without passing all these Standards of Care and possessing a letter (or two) from a psychologist (or two).

I’m not saying the trans person should not have to go to therapy, or that the person wanting plastic surgery should per se. I’m just saying we need to look at the hypocrisy of this situation, and maybe do something about changing this double standard we have for trans and cisgender people who are searching for surgery.

Thoughts?
Essin’ Em

Forwarded from a forward from a friend:

“I’m collaborating with the Lesbian Sex and Sexuality docu-series on Here gay and lesbian TV and will be doing commentary about women’s sexuality issues.
http://www.heretv.com/lesbiansex
http://www.heretv.com/AOriginalsDetailPage.php?programKey=525

*I’m looking for female sex workers who’ve had female clients, or women who’ve paid other women for sex work.* In other words, women who’ve been paid by other women for a sexual service (prostitution, sensual massage, fetish/dominatrix work). So far, we haven’t found any, and I’ll be talking about what this gender difference regarding sex work is.

PLEASE FORWARD THIS on to women who are involved in sex work or studying sex work in North America (especially NYC and San Fran). Any woman with something to say should please contact me ASAP at dianysia at gmail dot com with “Lesbian Sex Work” in the subject line. You could just give me input and leads, or be willing to speak on camera about your experience with female sex work clients, or as a sex worker with a lesbian personal life and male client base. Please also contact me if you have other ideas of where to look.

Thanks!
Diana Adams, Esq.

It’s hard being a feminist sometimes in an industry (the adult/sex industry) that so many people consider innately un-feministic. I thought I’d people a little spiel about “What feminism means to me” and how I relate it to this industry. This is not for all feminists…or every for any other feminist. Feel free to take any of this copy and pass on, or feel free to hate it. It’s just how I feel.

-Essin’ Em

Feminism. Possibly one of the most controversial “isms” that is out there. Throughout my undergraduate career, I got a plethora of different reactions from people every time I identified myself as a feminist. From “Man Hater” to “Lesbian” to “Hippie” to “Cock Blocker” to “New Wave” to “Liberal,” everyone had a different view of it. Worse yet was when other fellow feminists tried to tell me that things I did (like being active in the BDSM community) were being “un-feminist.”

To me, being a feminist is about letting women have the same options, choices and opportunities as men, and realizing that women are just as able and competent as men. (To clarify, I realize there are many more options than just women and men; I’m using the binary here because I am putting it in the terms that the majority of society uses).

I do not hate men. Not at all. I do not think women are better then men, but that goes both way; I don’t think men are any better than women. That means women should be paid the same as a man who is equally as qualified in the same job. This means it’s that is ok for a woman to be the breadwinner (or one of two breadwinners).

Single women should not be bombarded with questions asking about when they’re having kids, why they aren’t married, how come they aren’t at home with their husbands, why they don’t (or do) shave/wax/etc, and so on. Women should not be objectified in media, advertisement, old boys’ clubs, meeting rooms, etc. They should not be treated like idiots or children by anyone. I think women should be able to follow their hearts and their dreams just as much as men.

However, this is where I differ slightly from some feminists. To me, if a woman wants to be tied up and spanked, this doesn’t mean she isn’t a feminist; it means that she is reclaiming her right to ask for what she wants, and to be pleased sexually in a way that she wants. If she decides that stripping is fun, invigorating, good exercise and enjoys making money that way, then all the power to her; I’m glad that she has reclaimed her body in that way. If she chooses (chooses being the key word) to be a stay at home person (mother/wife/single woman/etc), good for her. She decides to have kids and dedicate her life to them because that is what SHE wants? Wonderful! She’s a feminist. This is all contingent on her have the opportunity to have education, a job, a career, etc, but if she has these options and CHOOSES to stay at home, then rock on sister. And if a man wants to stay home and do “house work” or raise the kids, in that case, I take off my hat to him. My father was one of the best “field trip parents” ever (and he did it working full time as well).

So when people ask me what the hell I am doing as a feminist, who happens to be in to BDSM and working for a sex toy company (and used to work for a porn company), I feel like I need to sit them down and explain that feminism is different for each person. Not all porn is feministic. Not all sex tips written are. Not all sex toy companies are ethical. But EdenFantasys IS ethical, HotMoviesForHer IS run by feminist women, and the sex tips I write are sex positive (or so I like to think).

There are so many feministic women in the sex industry if you use my definition. Audacia Ray is a writer, a researcher, a model, a speaker, a director and more. Jamye Waxman is a sex educator, a film director, a sex tips columnist a writer, and plethora of other things. Joanna Angel has revolutionized alternative porn because she does what she wants, regardless of what “social norms” might be; tattoos, dyed hair, stripped socks, etc. Sydni Ellis is a feminist; she entered the industry at a later age than many women even stay in it, on her on terms, and has made female on female movies that aren’t disparaging. Sasha Grey has spoken out and said that she does the more avant garde things she does because she likes them and is turned on by them, not because anyone is forcing her into it or exploiting her. The women on Kink.com’s movies always speak at the end about how much they enjoyed their scenes, how they loved being pushed to their limits, and how they know they had a safe word; they are reclaiming themselves by asking for (and getting) what they want sexually.

And by and large, Nina Hartley is one of the goddess of feminism and porn. She is intelligent, open minded, caring, forward thinking, and you can just see how much she loves what she does. Her education guides for both women and couples cover all the different aspects of sex, realizing that everyone is different, and not everyone has a 10 inch penis (or would want one), and that not everyone wants anal or oral or fill in the blank. She makes sex fun, open, fabulous, and yes, even “feministic.”

That’s not all; look at the woman who have paved the way. Annie Sprinkle, Candida Royalle, Susie Bright. I was honored in August to be interviewed for the AVN Online Magazine, and was quoted on the same page as Candida and Annie. Possibly one of the highest honors of my life. Women CAN be in the sex industry AND be feminists; lots of women are.

These are strong women who love sex and believe that women should have the same opportunities to excel at what they love and are passionate about (even if that happens to be sex).

And that is what feminism means to me (and why I can be a feminist in the sex industry).

I’ve been trying to figure out how to describe Abby Lee, author of Diary of a Sex Fiend. A cross between me (quirky, fun, sex-obsessed), Bridget Jones (she says so herself) and someone just wondering around trying to get a good shag. She is indeed a girl with a one track mind.

This book is a good read. It’s a fun book that’s great for the train, the waiting room, right before bed, or while lying on your back icing your knee at physical therapy. It’s not deep, no. It’s nothing that is going to make you re-think your sexuality, and you’re not going to be able to cite it for any classes. She’s pretty vanilla and pretty straight and pretty monogamous. She’s pretty much not me in every aspect as far as those definitions of her sexuality go.

However, she’s very interesting, and she has some good things to say. More importantly, she’s British. I LOVE LOVE LOVE reading books written by Brits because their terminology is immensely more exciting then what we American deign to call English. Some words I honestly had no idea what they meant, but at least I knew what frigging meant, and she did that on a multi-weekly basis, so I was pretty much set.

Most importantly, Abby has wit. The book is humorous, and it’s my kind of humor. It’s as if Eddie Izzard grew a rack and talked about sex a lot more than he talked about lies, maneuvers and the French. I laughed quite a bit. In fact, I laughed a lot. Partially because it was quite funny, and partially because I could picture myself in many of these situations. Abby is the woman next door, trying to work a full time job, live her normal life, and oh yes, spends every waking movement thinking about sex. I’ll admit, I don’t think about penises nearly even close to as much as she does, but I do understand the worry of wondering if anyone else in the world thinks about sex even close to the same amount that you do.

In between each month (again with the Bridget Jones, this was written in a daily diary format) were slightly more intelligent Cosmo-like lists of things like “How to behave in an adult store when you’re a man next to a women” and “What things mean from a man’s stand point and a woman’s.” I really had higher hopes for these. When I say slightly more intelligent, I put the emphasis on slightly…these were not incredibly feminist, nor liberated, and they were most certainly heterosexist.

Overall, it was a fun book, and one that I will recommend; to my straight female friends. That’s fine; I have a plethora of them, and a few will be getting this for the holidays. I think that’s who it should be marketed to, and probably not full spectrum sexuality savvy queer feminist sex bloggers who eat girls who “try out being bi” for breakfast. I guess it’s my own fault. I was really hoping for someone like me. A sex fiend; check. A feminist; check. Someone who is a bit awkward; super check. But as discussed last week, about how I make my life so academic, about how everything is about being sex-positive and PC, I don’t know how I feel about some of these between the month Marie Claire-esque stylings, and I just didn’t get a lot of sex fiendishness that I was looking for. I was hoping for more discussion…her talks about how she always had multiple orgasms were great, but I wanted more self-reflection. Maybe something more about Blog Boy’s lust and then decision to pull back. The threesome with no satisfaction was a good inclusion because sex isn’t always satisfactory, but again, not enough discussion. I guess I just wanted a more in-depth look at the inner workings of the mind, the deeper ponderings of the diary of the sex fiend, and all I got was the powdered sugar coating.

So for ME personally, I give it 3.5 stars out of 5. It was a fun book to read, but I probably I not going to re-read it any time soon. However, for my less academically obsessed and psycho-analytical friends, it’s the PERFECT holiday present, and I’d guess they’d rate it a 4 or a 4.5 out of 5. Again, it just goes to show how much perfection is in the mind of the beholder. Non-straight, non-vanilla, non-monogamous and super radical sex bloggers; this may not be the ideal book for you… every one else; two thumbs up, and I hope you enjoy it (and enjoy the British language…goddess knows I did!)

If you want a copy for yourself or a friend for the non-denominational winter holiday season of joy, love and giving, go grab a copy of Diary of a sex Fiend by Abby Lee at Amazon.com or elsewhere, or read her blog at girlwithaonetrackmind.blogspot.com.

That’s all I have to say on this folks,

Essin’ Em

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #103? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

She Told Me

“She told me she had a headache.”

Fantasy: If you can’t stand the heat…

“You set the ice cube down and force my legs apart.”

Sugarbutch Star: Bad Bad Girl

“I brought my lips down on hers hard, crushing, devouring, insistent.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Upskirt Video from V Magazine

Editor’s Choice
Blog Action Day: Sexual Activism or Lightning Doesn’t Strike Twice

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

BDSM & Fetish
My Wife is a Skank! pt2

Peep Show
The piss slit
Significance of a Collar
Under his Thumb

Sex News & Reviews
Featured Design: Go Ahead and Ask Me
My first speculum

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Capture
Faking It
Geriatric SEX! yeah. Part 2 of an interview with mimi about her (relatively) new relationship
Rant to follow!
Tantra and Kink: Energy Charge
The Grey Area
TMI Tuesday #105 (Dating Edition)
Top Ten Songs to Do It To
What To Do With Cum (Part 2)

Sex Work

Comfort Sex

Cuckold Fantasies and the “N” Word

Sex Work And Religion: Crucifixion

NSFW Pics & Videos

Catalina Loves Bondage and Nikki Nefarious

Cerydwyn (I Shot Myself)

Erotic Art Show: Houdini

Janette – Morning Blue

Jungbauern Calendar 2008

Naughty Nurse
Ron Harris Studio’s Latest Erotic Photo and Video

Erotic Writing and Experiences
Auto-erotic
Behind glass
Christening
Encounter 1, Part II: Disaster Averted
Find ‘em, Fuck ‘em and Flee
Honey I’m home.
How I Love The Fall
I need you, now
My Afternoon with Alejandro
Rubbing one out
Ruf < cake > Smooth
Sacred & Profane
Sex Tourism
Vignettes of a Cuckoldress

Everyone is right. I, for once (am admitting to being…), am wrong.

Orientation matters. You like who you like. Attraction matters. You’re attracted who you are attracted to.

Identity doesn’t.

I could tell you I am a peapod loving leabian bisexual between snowpeas and greenpeas and you’d validate me.

I’m a pansexual that just so happens to tend to be ATTRACTED (right now) to female bodied people. It may change, it may not. That’s ok. I’m still sttracted to people, not not bodies, which is what is important to ME (which is what matters).
And end flip out.

Back to class.

Clinical issues in transgender communities, to be specific.

Yup, I’m in tranny class for the next 18 hours. If I don’t come out older, wiser, and a hell of a lot more angry and PC, please shoot me.

Thanks for all your help and advice (and telling me I’m an idiot when I needed it),

Essin’ Em

Just one post this this weekend, between class like woahfuck, and the fact that this is a pretty important post and I need my regulars (and newbies!) to read it and give me some feedback.

I’ve been going through some preeeeetty rough emotional stuff lately. No, no one is breaking up with me or dying or anything like that. No one I care about suddenly stopped talking to me again (although that happens fairly often here in the “lovely” city of Philly).

I feel like I’m finally going through the coming out process.

You may asking WTF mate, didn’t I go through it already?

But you see, I never really did. I just decided that I was bi because I kissed a girl, found her attractive, and therefore I was. My friends were mostly open minded or queer, so when I said I was bi, it was taken at face value. My coming out process to my mother went like this.

Me: I’m bisexual.
My mother: Where are we going for dinner?

It just wasn’t even a process. I never knew if it was because my aunt is a lesbian, and my mother didn’t want to make it an issue like ‘oooooh, you’re a bisexual, hurray, or boo’ or because she just doesn’t care about me even enough to recognize it (we’re not close…I was a daddy’s girl, and he died when I was 13. My mother has even been known to forget my birthday…god forbid she remember my orientation.)

So you see, my sexuality was never the whole big “OMG, I’m not straight, I need to deal with it, I need to go through the emotional turmoil of figuring this out…what am I…” I just was. And for a while I was bi. And I worried a lot, since I still slept with guys exclusively (my rationale: I’m ‘relationshiply’ attracted to men, and sexually attracted to women) that I was really a straight woman that wanted to be bi because I academically liked the idea of being queer.

Then I discovered the term pansexual. I loved the term pansexual. I liked the ideals behind it as well; liking people for who they were, their personalities, not their genitals. BAM, I came out as pansexual. Again, not emotional journey, no crying, no fighting, no arguments. I just was. And it worked. And I finally had sex with a female bodied person. I enjoyed it. And then with a transperson. And then with a gender queer person (and oh baby, do we have good sex).

I’ve only had sexual intercourse with one bio guy. I hate intercourse. But it’s never been “I hate sex with men.”

Until I read this book…written by a straight women, who keeps describing having sex with men. And UGH. I feel like a big dyke. I told J that part of me is digusted by penises and is like “ewww…dick. like. eww.. cut them all off and make a big vat of dick soup and ewww.” and the other half is like “I need to go find a guy to go suck his dick and fuck my brains out because I haven’t had sex with a bio guy with a dick in a long time and I need to see if I really don’t like penis, or if it’s me being weird or what!”

Both are irrational. And both make me feel invalidated (by myself, not by anyone else) that all the time I spend giving blow jobs (which I ENJOYED) was wrong. Or socially constructed. I can’t speak for intercourse. Do I hate intercourse? Or do I hate intercourse with the one guy with whom I had it? How do I know? Do I hate penises right now? Or in general? How do I know? Am I a lesbian? Or a pansexual that currently hates penises? Or do I even hate dick? Was I just having a bad night? Did I really used to love penises, or was that all part of a social construction as well?

My orientation, identity and a good 3/4 of my sexual history are crumbling before my eyes…and there is nothing I can do about it. How to I validate myself, when it is myself that is screw me over? How can I convince myself that it’s ok for everything to be fluid when I’ve spend the last few years convincing myself that I like people for people, not for their bodies?

Poor J tried to console me…I was a mess at 1am. I was supposed to be sleeping, not ranting about gender, sexuality and how I can’t be a lesbian (J tried to be supportive and offered to throw me a lesbian coming out party) when my BOY FRIEND is GENDERQUEER! How do people do this when they’re 15 or 16…I can’t even figure it out and I’m supposed to be getting my doctorate in this!

Basically, I worried in college I was a straight girl calling myself bisexual because I wanted so bad to be queer and fit in and be in that group, when I really “just” was straight. And now I’m worried that I’m really a lesbian (or woman attracted to female bodied people) who calls herself pansexual because I like the political and academic ideals of it, when all I am is just a big fat dyke.

So what does this mean? Who am I? Straight? Bi? Pan? A lesbian? Really fucking confused? Crying over spilled orgasms of the past that don’t even matter. I need advice, I need comfort, I need chocolate, I need But I’m a Cheerleader, I need dykes, I need support, and I need it now. Peas. Pretty Peas.

2 toy reviews in one week, I know, can you even handle this? But it’s one of my top three toys EVER, and prolly one of my top two to use with a partner (tied with the the Hitachi Magic Wand).

What am I talking about?

Why the multi talented, multi-use, absotively, posolutely beautiful Pure Wand by Njoy.

3 Pounds of PURE stainless steel, this baby can be used by yourself, or with/on a partner, vaginally or anally, for the G-spot or P-spot, causing male-bodied and female-bodied people everywhere to come so incredibly hard, and oh yeah, ejaculate as well.

It’s cool to the touch, even cold when it first enters you (and like glass, stone and ceramic toys, it can also be cooled in ice water or the fridge…but never the freezer!), but it quickly warms up once inside you (or if held in hot little hands, if you’d prefer not to have sensation play) and winds up coming out burning hot, almost as though it was in an over. A cunt over in my case. Kind of creepy, but amazing all the same.

I’ve been wanting one of these forever; I even posted about it in April or May I think. It was worth every penny, plus some. I personally would probably (and this is coming from a starving grad student) would put down upwards of $200 for this toy. It’ll last forever; it can never bend or break, it’s hard to lose, it’s easy to clean (let’s see; boil it, dishwash it, wipe it with bleach, soap it up, condom it, you name it!), it can be used with all sexes and genders, it makes me feel AWESOME, it makes my partner ejaculate (a new experience for both of us). Highly recommended to anyone that likes internal stimulation of any kind, but you don’t have to like intercourse to love it (hey, look at me!

This toy is beyond the cadillac of toys…it’s like a freaking hovercraft; come from the future with one purpose: to make us come, and come hard.

Read my entire review at EdenFantasys of the Pure Wand by Njoy by clicking here. Here about how I use it on me and on J, and where I plan to put it (in good company of course!) in my dream home.

Totally un-sex related…but have I mentioned how obsessed I am with tea. Loose tea. Like not tea bags, but loose tea, in a pot, made into tea.

I found these when I worked at hotmoviesforher…and they’re amazing…and I now own two IngenuiTEAs and a whole hell of a lot of tea. Like pounds of tea (and that’s a lot of loose tea, if you know how little tea weighs).

Is you want one too, I can email you $5 off coupons (no minimum purchase…that’s how I got hooked last year), just let me know your email in a comment or send me an email at essinem at gmail dot com (please don’t spam me!!!).

When I’m stressed and/or sick, nothing beats a lovely pot of freshly made mint, chai, raspberry, vanilla roiboos, jasmine #5, chocolate-strawberry or mate chai roiboos tea. Seriously.

I love love love tea. Possibly more than life itself. Between that, my knitting and my love and obsession for my two cats, I’m such an old lady/sterotypical femme lesbian. I amuse myself.