Sexuality Happens

It’s hard being a feminist sometimes in an industry (the adult/sex industry) that so many people consider innately un-feministic. I thought I’d people a little spiel about “What feminism means to me” and how I relate it to this industry. This is not for all feminists…or every for any other feminist. Feel free to take any of this copy and pass on, or feel free to hate it. It’s just how I feel.

-Essin’ Em

Feminism. Possibly one of the most controversial “isms” that is out there. Throughout my undergraduate career, I got a plethora of different reactions from people every time I identified myself as a feminist. From “Man Hater” to “Lesbian” to “Hippie” to “Cock Blocker” to “New Wave” to “Liberal,” everyone had a different view of it. Worse yet was when other fellow feminists tried to tell me that things I did (like being active in the BDSM community) were being “un-feminist.”

To me, being a feminist is about letting women have the same options, choices and opportunities as men, and realizing that women are just as able and competent as men. (To clarify, I realize there are many more options than just women and men; I’m using the binary here because I am putting it in the terms that the majority of society uses).

I do not hate men. Not at all. I do not think women are better then men, but that goes both way; I don’t think men are any better than women. That means women should be paid the same as a man who is equally as qualified in the same job. This means it’s that is ok for a woman to be the breadwinner (or one of two breadwinners).

Single women should not be bombarded with questions asking about when they’re having kids, why they aren’t married, how come they aren’t at home with their husbands, why they don’t (or do) shave/wax/etc, and so on. Women should not be objectified in media, advertisement, old boys’ clubs, meeting rooms, etc. They should not be treated like idiots or children by anyone. I think women should be able to follow their hearts and their dreams just as much as men.

However, this is where I differ slightly from some feminists. To me, if a woman wants to be tied up and spanked, this doesn’t mean she isn’t a feminist; it means that she is reclaiming her right to ask for what she wants, and to be pleased sexually in a way that she wants. If she decides that stripping is fun, invigorating, good exercise and enjoys making money that way, then all the power to her; I’m glad that she has reclaimed her body in that way. If she chooses (chooses being the key word) to be a stay at home person (mother/wife/single woman/etc), good for her. She decides to have kids and dedicate her life to them because that is what SHE wants? Wonderful! She’s a feminist. This is all contingent on her have the opportunity to have education, a job, a career, etc, but if she has these options and CHOOSES to stay at home, then rock on sister. And if a man wants to stay home and do “house work” or raise the kids, in that case, I take off my hat to him. My father was one of the best “field trip parents” ever (and he did it working full time as well).

So when people ask me what the hell I am doing as a feminist, who happens to be in to BDSM and working for a sex toy company (and used to work for a porn company), I feel like I need to sit them down and explain that feminism is different for each person. Not all porn is feministic. Not all sex tips written are. Not all sex toy companies are ethical. But EdenFantasys IS ethical, HotMoviesForHer IS run by feminist women, and the sex tips I write are sex positive (or so I like to think).

There are so many feministic women in the sex industry if you use my definition. Audacia Ray is a writer, a researcher, a model, a speaker, a director and more. Jamye Waxman is a sex educator, a film director, a sex tips columnist a writer, and plethora of other things. Joanna Angel has revolutionized alternative porn because she does what she wants, regardless of what “social norms” might be; tattoos, dyed hair, stripped socks, etc. Sydni Ellis is a feminist; she entered the industry at a later age than many women even stay in it, on her on terms, and has made female on female movies that aren’t disparaging. Sasha Grey has spoken out and said that she does the more avant garde things she does because she likes them and is turned on by them, not because anyone is forcing her into it or exploiting her. The women on Kink.com’s movies always speak at the end about how much they enjoyed their scenes, how they loved being pushed to their limits, and how they know they had a safe word; they are reclaiming themselves by asking for (and getting) what they want sexually.

And by and large, Nina Hartley is one of the goddess of feminism and porn. She is intelligent, open minded, caring, forward thinking, and you can just see how much she loves what she does. Her education guides for both women and couples cover all the different aspects of sex, realizing that everyone is different, and not everyone has a 10 inch penis (or would want one), and that not everyone wants anal or oral or fill in the blank. She makes sex fun, open, fabulous, and yes, even “feministic.”

That’s not all; look at the woman who have paved the way. Annie Sprinkle, Candida Royalle, Susie Bright. I was honored in August to be interviewed for the AVN Online Magazine, and was quoted on the same page as Candida and Annie. Possibly one of the highest honors of my life. Women CAN be in the sex industry AND be feminists; lots of women are.

These are strong women who love sex and believe that women should have the same opportunities to excel at what they love and are passionate about (even if that happens to be sex).

And that is what feminism means to me (and why I can be a feminist in the sex industry).