Sexuality Happens

I was trying to physical therapy this morning, and was flipping through the radio channels, trying to find music (I don’t have a CD player or satellite radio, so I just keep seeking when I drive), and while I was getting on the highway, I heard the first bit of a morning talk show. I don’t usually listen, but this caught my attention. They were reading a letter from a listener, that went something to the effect of:

“Dear hosts,

I met a girl at a party this weekend, and we really clicked. We just it it off. We wound up going back to my place, and had sex, which sounds awesome…at the time. Now I’m thinking about dating her seriously, but so I really want to be with a girl who “gave it up” so easily? I mean, I know this is a double standard, because I had sex on the first date too, but usually girls are more uptight about sex. Should I try and date a girl who is breaking the “female norm”???”

I was livid. The female host exclaimed “for god’s sake, this is 2007, what female norm” and even the male hosts were kind of like “so?” Although one of course was just as bad, and said he wouldn’t date a girl who didn’t “put out” on the first date because that meant she was a prude.

I kept trying to call in (never done that before), but of course the line was busy. I was so freaking furious, and had planned out what I was going to say, but sadly, I never got though. I thought I about changing the channel, but I guess I was hoping people would call in and be like “are you crazy? of course it’s a non-issue!” Well, wishful thinking.

The first guy who called in said all this stuff about “how do you know how many guys she’s done that with? She could have slept with 100 guys!”

My answer: SO? Does it matter how many people someone (regardless of sex or gender) has slept with (assuming you’re using protection!)?? No. They’re sleeping with you now, and that’s all that matters.

Next a woman calls in. “Dump her. You don’t know what she has in her coochie. Plus, if she slept with you like that, you never know if she’ll be cheating on you. You don’t know her history”

Me: Part a) that’s why you get tested. Just as likely to get an STI sleeping unprotected with anyone, even on the 10th date. Part b) Whisky Tango Foxtrot??? Her history (from the letter) isn’t one of cheating! It’s one of being sexually open. These things are not connected, dumbass.

Then another woman calls in, saying she slept with her boyfriend on the first date, and announced that they’ve been together 3 years. Finally, some defense. Except she points out “but I knew him as a friend of a friend, it wasn’t like I met him at a party” and the hosts all agree that this is a different situation.

Clearly, I am so far out of this range of “normal” people. I have slept with people on a first date, both that I knew and that I had just met. I dated some, and never heard from/talked to others again. Sex is sex. I’m not “giving up” anything…it’s not like I’m deeding them my house, or proposing marriage – I don’t even give up my underwear and leave it there.

The discussion turned to the idea of “sluts” of course. Goddess forbid a woman enjoy sex, and decide to have it with someone she finds attractive without everyone thinking she’s a slut.

Once in college, I had a friend come up to me, and she said “Essin’ Em, as someone who studies sex, how many people do you have to sleep with before you’re a slut?”

At first, I jokingly was going to say 150 or 200, but then I thought about it. What is a slut except for someone that’s getting sexual pleasure whenever she wants it? I say she, because men are rarely called sluts, and it’s a female term; when men are called sluts, they are called “man sluts” or “man whores” (because words like whore, slut, and even nurse are generally ascribed to women).

With this new definition in mind, I asked her if she was happy with herself, if she was ok with the choices she had made, if she had fun with these guys (she was straight). She said she didn’t regret anything. I told her that as long as she was making choices that made her happy, and wasn’t out to harm herself or anyone else, that she was fine.

I should have told her she was a slut, and congratulated her. I wish I was a slut. I wish I could find people I was attracted to, and who were attracted to me, and have hot sex whenever I wanted it. I jokingly say I’m an Ethical Slut (after the book) because I’m in an ethical open relationship. I guess I might be considered a slut by some; out of all the people I’ve had sex with, I’ve only been dating or even “friends with benefiting” 4 of them. I have had one nighters with people I’ve just met; including in a hotel (ahh, balcony sex!) I’ve slept with friends, and never talked about it with them again. I’ve slept with polyamorous people. But I have gone 2 years at a time with out sex (sad, I know), when I wanted it, because I subscribed to social convention; I didn’t want people to think I was sleeping around. I put so much emphasis on love and emotion, when I could have been having fabulous sex (with fabulous connections) here, there and everywhere. Plus, I’ve had sex with less than 15 people, and as much as I want to be a slut, I don’t think that puts me there.

What is wrong with being a slut? And why the hell wouldn’t you date someone with whom you felt a connection because they did or didn’t sleep with you on the first date? More importantly, why is our society so freaking judgmental (of women of course, men can sleep with anyone whenever and are lauded for their sexual prowess) about sex?

I guess I need to invest in a plug in CD player – this has gotten me way too worked up all day.

Essin’ Em