Sexuality Happens

I think J and I may be friends eventually. Even now to some extent.

It’s hard to type this, because I think J still reads this, and I don’t want him to be offended, but this is just how I honestly am feeling about the whole situation, and I have to put it somewhere, and I know J reads my livejournal, and I know y’all are wondering about this, so why not here.

I’m feeling a lot better about this. When I wrote on Monday, I was angry. I saw the situation eventually ending; J was either going to be in DC this summer for an internship, or in NY for this TV thing. J wasn’t going to be around, and I needed someone that I was going to get to see more than once all summer. I knew things were a little rough, both this the distance thing, and with the “J is a college student who likes to party and isn’t willing to give up ANY of the college experience to come visit me, and I’m a graduate student with a full time job living in the ‘real world’ who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink a lot, etc that is giving up all my free weekends to drive to NY to see my partner and is feeling incredibly neglected and not like a priority in my partner’s life.”

However, I figured that since a) we loved each other, b) we had plans for thanksgiving, our upcoming anniversary, my birthday and winter break when J was going to be much closer, and c) we’d be spending a lot more time together in the near future, we’d be able to make it work better for the next few months, so I didn’t see it as really an issue for now. I saw us breaking up maybe when J went back to school in the end of January, etc, but not now. J breaking up with me after I drove 3.5 hours to NY to see HIS show, to visit him, missing MY roller derby championships, etc, seemed random to ME, like he was giving up suddenly, and just throwing in the towel when we had so much behind us, so much planned, and when I had put in so much to this relationship. That was why I was angry. Once I realized that he didn’t do it with malice, but simply because he has a different outlook on relationships than I do, and because he felt he’d be living a lie simply by waiting 10 days until thanksgiving, then I felt less angry, and more where I am now, which is just sad. Sad that two people who have just great personalities that mesh well, and such interesting thoughts and academic interests that are great for discussion, and who have such AMAZING sex, and who created such beautiful love for one another are not able to make it work for each other.

That said, I broke several (if not all) of my own relationship “rules” getting into this relationship. I did it willingly and knowingly, and unsure-ly. I did it because J was so cool, and I wanted to see if it would work. It did for a little…but the reasons we broke up were the reasons I hesitated in the first place, making me think that they are my “rules” for a reason.

Relationship Rules

1. Do not date someone younger than me. I am a baby to start with. I am younger than most of my peers, as I graduated high school and college early. However, I act much older than I am. Most people peg me as 4-8 years (I’m really not kidding) older than my actual age. When I was turning 21, I had co-workers, as in people who worked with me on a daily basis, ask me if I was turning 30. I can be silly, but I can be kind of lame. I generally come off as mature; I like to spend most evenings at home, or going out for dinner and maybe a drink or two with friends. Wine and cheese parties yes, ragerzzzz, no. Ergo, people younger than me is like robbing the cradle BIG time. J was two years younger physically, 4 years academically, and sometimes it felt like a lot more maturity wise. I don’t mean to be mean, it’s just how it felt.

2. Do not date college students. I am not in college anymore. I used to stay up till 4 or 5 am every night. Now I’m in bed by midnight every night because I have to be up at 6:30am. I used to be an insommniac who took naps mid-day; I can’t anymore. I used to work as a nanny; now I’m a full time grad student who also works full time. I don’t eat at a dining hall; I cook all my own meals. College is SOOOO different than the real world. For the same reason, when I was in college, my rule was “don’t date non-college students.” It’s just a completely different world. It doesn’t translate well. I don’t want to ask anyone to change their view, but I’d have to do so, or change mine, and I’m not willing to do that. This was a big issue for me and J.

3. Do not date a smoker. I HATE smoke. Especially cigarette smoke. Hate hate hate it. I have never kissed, had sex with or dated a smoker before. I’m even allergic to cigarettes, cigars, etc. I made an exception for J. The deal was he had to brush his teeth before we made out. I never told him to quit, never nagged, never left pamphlets, nothing like that. But it was hard. He always asked if I’d go out in the cold with him while he smoked. I always felt like a bad girlfriend when I said no. Even when he brushed his teeth, he clothing and his hair still smelled like smoke. I HATED this habit. HATED it. I never said anything, but it was the one thing about him that I couldn’t stand. He’d smoke in the car while we drove sometimes, and I counted the seconds until the end of the cigarette. I always wondered what the secondhand smoke did to my lungs. It’s interesting how many queer people smoke.

4. Do not date someone more than 1 hour away 14 dollars in tolls plus about 30 dollars in gas is how much is cost it visit J. Almost $50. I went to see J in New York 4 or 5 times. That’s a lot of money. Plus an entire weekend. Almost 3 hours each way with traffic and/or bad weather and/or construction. Sometimes at night. Partially through NYC. I’m from Colorado. Driving ANYWHERE NEAR New York City stresses me out, giving me a migraine or heartburn or both. Even in the summer before J went to school, he still lived a little over an hour a away. We were lucky if we saw each other once a week. My ideal situation I think would be 2-3 times a week. 4-5 times a month just doesn’t cut it, and 2 times a month is just impossible. Again, way more stress.

5. Do not date someone without a job As J points out, his job is as a full time student, and that’s fine for him. But this is a rule. And why? Because I want to be able to go and do things and split it halfway without worrying about breaking my partner’s budget. I can’t afford to always treat, but I still like to do things. J doesn’t work at all during the school year, so I felt like I couldn’t suggest going out to go see a movie, or going to go have fondue, or asking for a birthday present, or anything like that, because he couldn’t pay for it (I don’t know if he could or couldn’t, but that’s how I felt). Plus, I felt like he didn’t understand when I said I needed to get off the phone and go to bed because I had to get up at 6:30 to go to work, or no, I couldn’t take off to see him because I had work or ______ because I had work. Part of this goes with the college student thing, but part of it really is someone who has a job understands other people that have jobs and can pay for more things as well. Simple as that.

6. Do not date someone that does not have their own place (apartment mates ok) I don’t want to be meeting people’s parents when I’m creeping out of their bedroom in the morning. I don’t want to sexile roommates. It’s just awkward. Not everyone has to have or wants or can afford a one bedroom; that’s fine. But seriously; I need someone with their own room in their own place (again, this goes beyond the college student thing again. I feel like I’ve moved beyond twin beds in double rooms). I want to be able to cook someone breakfast without worrying about whether mom heard sex noises last night (although I’ve noticed it’s much more popular on the East Coast to live with your parents past 18. In Colorado, you move out ASAP; either you go to college and move out once you graduate, or you get a job and you move out. Out here, people seem to enjoy staying with the ‘rents…weird to me), and I DON’T want to spend the night if you have a ROOMmate (again, apartment mate is FINE). Conversely, I don’t want anyone over at my place ALL the time. We each need our space. This was an issue with J because since he’s been up at school, he’s only been to down to visit me once, and I hate his lofted bed (scared of heights), so when I visited, we slept on a twin mattress on the floor, while his roommate went over to his girlfriend’s apt (and his girlfriend’s roommate was sexiled). Not conducive to romance, love or sex.

So those are my general rules. I broke all of them, and whether I realized it at the time or not, all of them were annoying me in some way or another. I couldn’t help any of them. J is a New York college student who is younger than me. That isn’t going to change. He’s not going to get a job while he’s in college, and he’s going to keep living in a dorm and with his mother. He’s a smoker, and I knew that. All of this was my own damn fault, so if I look at it, I set myself up for failing at this relationship. I just need to look back at it, and realize that we did have fun times while it lasted, we had awesome sex, and hopefully, we’ll wind up being excellent friends that can still have great discussions.

I just need to find someone older than me in the Philly area, out of college, with a job and place of their own who is a non-smoker, who happens to like sarcastic alternative femmes who are fun, not-big-drinkers with a penchant for cats, indie movies, cooking vegetarian food, dancing in the rain, reviewing sex toys, having kinky sex, knitting, discussing sex and gender theory, and trying new things. Any takers?

Essin’ Em