Sexuality Happens

I am here. I am alive.

As usual, there is family drama. Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder.

However, I miss Colorado EXTREMELY, and hope to move back as soon as I am done with the class part of the doctoral program (in about 18 months).

Since being here, I have:

*Frequented a gay bar
*Gotten stuck in a snow rut with my best friend and been rescued by the leather daddy bouncer from the gay bar
*Had a frustrating conversation with my best friend’s boy friend about what “real sex” is (obviously, intercourse). More on this later.
*Shocked my sister and mother about the fact that lesbians/bi women/etc (and other women who have sex with women sometimes use harness and dildos to have intercourse.
*Corrected my family about correct sex toy terms (jelly, not rubber, dildo, not penis, etc).
*Gone to a hockey game with a guy my sister was dating who had the personality of a piece of eggplant.
*Found out my sister was in a car accident that required her to have two doors replaced on her car. My mother told her that it was ok, and that I was in a similar one at her age. Um…I tapped a car in a parking lot while parking and the other car needed to get its painted touched up (mine was fine). Oh, family favoritism, how I love you.

Today I’m going to a New Years party of a lot straight men known to be assholes, and my best friend. And a guy I may consider sleeping with to see if I’m still attracted to men…at all. It should be interesting.

As a side note, Denver now has a lesbian bar, and a lesbian coffee shop/lounge. Color me tres impressed.

Ok. I haven’t gotten to see this videos – my computer for some reason won’t play anything on youtube. They may be horrible. They may be hilarious. I remember making them the same day as the holiday party…and yes, is was pre- Lili Desi’s foray with the EggNog (yes, she ACTUALLY spoke to the eggnog, I kid you not). All I know is that my entire life, the attachment for the wand (the blue one) has looked like Gonzo’s nose to me, hence the inspiration for the entire v-blog.

So here’s part one, where I am essentially scarred for life when she so viciously rips apart the Hitachi, who never even sees it coming. Luckily, she’s able to put it back together. I have a weak stomach, and have never been able to stand seeing my sex toy’s guts.

And now, part two, where Gonzo appears to give some head. I mean, to be a head, a head for the Hitachi. You know what I mean. And when I say Hitachi, I mean Ideal, because really; a weapons grade RECHARGABLE vibrator? Does it get any better than that?

I leave in a few hours to visit my hometown of Denver, (well, Lakewood to be more specific), Colorado, and I’m not sure how often I’ll be online there…but I know it will be lovely. So if I’m not on quite as much, you’ll have to forgive me!

In advance, a happy new year to every one, and safe travels if you’re taking them.

Essin’ Em

This is my favorite HNT picture, because I love fishnets, I love my legs, and it’s actually from a zombie pub crawl on Easter (in honor of the biggest zombie of them all; JC), so it’s just a fun memory, and a fun picture.

With this post, I’d also like to post some of my favorite memories and accomplishments (sexuality related of course) from 2007. I’ll be in Colorado at my mother’s house for the New Year, so I’m not sure I’ll have the chance to do an official 2007 round up, so I’ll do some of it now.

In no particular order (become memories seldom are):

*Making out in the bathroom at Sister’s (the lesbian bar) with another roller derby girl and realizing that yes, I am in fact 100% queer, and that no, it had NOTHING to do with college, thank you very much, kthnxby (to be followed up with getting fingered and fingering her on her couch the next night while watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas in a room full of people who never knew). The next night, having my first breast orgasm.

*Hooking up with a really freaking awesome person (I met them as a lesbian, they now identify as a trans guy) at Dinah Shore for the event; realizing so many things about myself, and having what (at that point), was the best sex of my life. Having hot balcony sex. Beginning to view myself more and more as a Femme. Enjoying any type of penetration for the first time. Having my first non-clitoral orgasm. Being able to sleep through the night for the first time while there was someone else in my bed. Feeling really at home with a large group of queer people. Winning a signed Kathy Griffin DVD. Having someone appreciate my quirks instead of ridicule me for them.

*Being in my first true and legit long term relationship. Loving someone who actually loved me back. Exchanging disgustingly cute text messages/myspace messages/emails/facebook messages/phone messages/you name it that I always hated before. Wanting someone I cared about to call. Feeling cared for. Being in a healthy relationship with someone who wasn’t crazy or an asshole. Having the best and hottest sex of my life. Doing everything sexually that I wanted to do; getting to experiment completely with pretty much anything that came to mind. Being with someone with whom I was so incredibly sexually compatible. Ejaculating for the first time. Falling asleep in someone’s arms. Taking showers together. Making up after our occasional arguments. Loving someone so much that it hurt sometime. And then breaking up and the hurt that followed, but realizing that it was going to be ok, and that I was going to make it.

*Starting and building up my own sex blog; learning to use HTML. Using what I learned at work (hotmoviesforher.com) to make my blog even better. Choosing the right affiliate programs to have. Building the best blog I could make. Updating it more and more often. Discovering other people’s blogs, reading them, commenting on them, and meeting some of the smartest, funniest, most caring, and all around most interesting people who write some of the awesomest blogs on the internet. Making it a big part of my life. Growing and learning from my blog.

*Getting the job EdenFantasys.com and getting to expand and explore and work on creating an entire community. Educating my new boss about sex and gender and having him actually care and take off and do learning on his own. Having fabulous and interesting co-workers. Working in a field that many academics don’t see as valid, and working every day to continue to make it so.

*Getting my first piece of erotica selected for publication. It will be in Wetter, edited by Nicole Foster, published by Alyson Books, out in May 2008. Keep an eye out for it (under my real name). The specific piece is entitled The Parking Garage

*Finishing another full year of classes in my grad school human sexuality education program. I’ll have my master’s in summer 2008, and be done with the classes for my doctorate summer 2009, and “just” need to do my dissertation.

*Coming out as “pansexual.” Finally putting a word to my orientation.

*Being in a successful non-monogamous relationship. Well, at least successful from my end. My partner and his other partner wound up not staying together, but it worked for me as far as not being jealous and panicky and things I thought I might be.

*Reviewing books and toys and movies and all sorts of exciting things for a variety of companies, publishers and people.

*Learning that I enjoyed being spanked.

*Learning that I’m attracted to people of all genders, sexes and orientations, rather than being only within the binary.

*Meeting (in real life and online) some really interesting people, such as Suzanne Westenhoefer, Katherine Moenning, Leisha Hailey, Bitch (formerly from Bitch and Animal), Renee O’Connor, Audacia Ray, Jamye Waxman, David Hall, Candida Royalle, Sasha Grey, Belladonna, Mia Rose, Ava Rose, Dex Hardlove, Sinclair Sexsmith, Sarah Katherine Lewis, etc.

I’m sure I will think for more, but for now these have been some of my favorite thing…

I have a friend back in Colorado…a guy friend of mine. We’ve been friends for a very long time, since way back in 1grade school. We’re talking late 80′s or early 90′s here folks. We’ve lost touch, and found each other, and lost touch again, and through the joys of facebook, we started talking again. Like some close friends that share some attraction for one another, we’ve traded pictures, and yes, there has been some risque cyber talk, and phone debauchery, more of the “so what would you like to do sexually that you haven’t done” and “what turns you on most about the currently preferred gender” and all that jazz. We’ve never really gone further because we never seem to be in the same place when both of us are single, or in relationships that are non-monogamous…so it’s always teasing and playing over the phone. But it’s always fun. I was hoping that this visit to Colorado, we’d finally get to play…he’d been single forever, I’m currently single (and before I was in an open relationship)… I had plans! Partially, I was hoping to see if it was really intercourse I disliked, or just the few times I’ve had it, and partially I was hoping to test my attraction for men, because he’s one of the few biological guys I’m still attracted to (alongside Johnny Depp of course…GO SEE SWEENEY TODD)…But what does he do? Last night, I found that he went and got himself a girlfriend two weeks ago. A monogamous girlfriend at that.

le sigh

So I congratulated him, and we just chatted about other things, but as always, the talk lead back to sex. With him, it’s never deep sex talk. It’s not about sexuality and gender and issues and society. It’s about what I like and what feels good and who I think is hot. We discussed liking Kiera Knightly, but that we liked women who were a little larger and curvier. We talked about talking about past partners with new partners. And then the conversation wound up turning into what we haven’t done that we want to do…he tried to think of things that I hadn’t done, and actually came up with a few; an airplane (NOT the bathroom – yuck! I’m talking under a blanket on the seat, or on a private jet, or maybe a remote vibe), in a hockey rink (which he has done, that lucky bastard – that is totally my dream, and has been for years, 69 (which is something I haven’t done, and am not too desperate to try, as I feel I would get very distracted, as I put a lot of effort into pleasing my partner).

Anyways, with all this hot conversation, I felt turned on. Between life stress and Topamax killing my stress drive, I haven’t felt really turned on in months. And I’m not talking a little “ho-hum, I guess I should jill off…”…I’m talking about plug in the the big guns and get to work. Now, I’ll admit, I had been thinking about him on the way home from seeing Sweeney Todd (pre-learning about the new lady in his life) and imagining the things we could do, and it got me pretty wound up. I got home, waiting for him to give me a call, and I plugged in the Hitachi and was going from 0-60 in about a minute, without even needing a dildo for my cunt to bear down on as usual. I was getting so close to the edge…when the phone rang. It was him.

Well, delayed orgasm can do a bit of good, so we chatted, and I found out the bad (well, for me. I’m really quite happy for him – it seems he’s finally found a non-psycho type of lady friend) news about the girlfriend…but we still had a great chat.

After we got off the phone, I was all kinds of wound up. I got out my Wartenburg wheel and ran it over my chest, the small tips gently poking my rock hard nipples, sending pulses of sensation directly to my already throbbing clit. God, I hadn’t felt like this in months, and to be honest, I don’t think a bio guy had made me feel like this in at least a year, probably a good 18 months.

I wanted to milk this for all this was worth (since I haven’t had a *decent* orgasm since oh…middle of October?), maybe a good two or three orgasms, so I tucked the head of the hitachi into my underwear, holding it firmly against my clit before I turned it to the lower level. It was only a minute or two before I found myself getting close – I turned it off. Breathing heavily, I played with my nipples, pinching them, twisting them, keeping myself incredibly aroused before I turned it on again…and again, I let myself get closer and closer before I *CLICK* shut it off. Finally, I turned it on, fingers rolling my nippled between them as I came, and came HARD, groaning.

I left the wand on, read for my second orgasm, which came a mere 30 seconds later. Panting, my hips bucked off the bed, but I was prepared for that – I had tucked that all powerful vibe into my lacy boy shorts, and it stayed directly on my clit through all the movements, throughout my second climax, my hands grasping my breasts, never letting go.

I wanted my third before I turned it off…I could feel it there, inside me, my cunt clenching, wanting to grasp at something…but I had nothing inside me…no Pure Wand, no Raquel…nothing. I wanted it so bad. I pressed the Hitachi against me, pressing my hips up into it. I reached down and spread my lips even more, exposing my poor vulnerable clit as much as I possibly could. I could just feel it – it was so close, but nothing I did could bring it out of me. I was on the edge, and I just could drop over. I turned the vibe on high, and yet, there I was, tiptoeing along the edge of the precipice, not quite there. I needed a Christmas Miracle.

And by god, Jewish or not, I got one. I came. And came. And came.

I have NEVER come like this. It lasted three or four minutes in a row, and went in waves, but never stopped. I made noises I didn’t know I was making, and at times, I didn’t know I could make. I was begging, I was moaning, I was panting, I was screaming. I couldn’t believe that I could take it, the vibe on high, without it being too much, or flopping over dead or something…but it was just my little christmas miracle. A new type of clitoral ONLY (nothing in my cunt; no g-spot stimulation, no vaginal stimulation, no nipple clamps – JUST clitoral) orgasm.

Merry Christmas to everyone :) And to the guy who inspired it; thanks for more than you know, and good luck with your lady friend. I wish you the best. Even if I never get to take you for a test run in real life, your metal stimulation is still one of the best climaxes I’ve had.

Essin’ Em

Yesterday, I took a trip up to NYC via Greyhound where Dacia spent the day showing me around the glorious city of New York as a holiday present to me. Yes, I have been to NYC before, but it’s pretty much been limited to a week long trip when I was 8 or 9, and then short trips to see Gotham Girls Roller Derby, to be on Howard Stern, to see Long Island Roller Rebels (Roller Derby), and driving through the city on my way to Purchase, NY to see J.

I took the Greyhound to Port Authority, and from there we went to Rockafeller Center to see the infamous tree…which while large, really isn’t *that* big. I guess when you’re originally from a mountainous state that is known for having lots of large evergreen trees, a big fir tree in a cement square isn’t really that spiffy.

Then we had delicious vegan pan-asian food, and wonderful discussion about having made the decision between choosing a “safe” academic job (like working for planned parenthood, or a college, or some sexuality based institute), versus doing the work we both do, which is still sexuality based, and important, and interesting to us, but sometimes makes us have to legitamize ourselves more to our colleagues. Speaking with her made me feel less alone with being someone in the world of academia who wants to peruse issues of sexuality that aren’t so nice and normal and generally studied. She also helped me realize how lucky I am with my job, and really just feel more comfortable with the direction I’m going.

We then hopped over to Babeland, which I thought was a lot nicer than the one in Seattle. They had a larger selection of toys and books, although it still had the same issue of being a little more/possibly too queer centric, which might be an issue for a straight person/couple looking for a toy. However, I bought PoMoSexuals, which I’m really excited to read on the plane ride to Colorado, and I got to see Jamye Waxman, who was working at Babeland that day, so that was a nice bonus.

We kept on our adventures, and stopped in a few more stores, including the WIRED magazine store, which I still don’t get, a high end sex toy store (which sold $500 stone cock rings! And I’m proud to say, I own 2 sex toys and several books sold in that store – evidently, I have a classy sex life), and an interesting book store, before making out way to a cupcake shop…mmmm…pumpkin cupcakes. Then we went to Blue Stockings, which is this awesome indie book store, which is one of the first places to have a sexuality section that had more books than I had ever seen; usually I own like 75% of them, and just dislike the rest (or have them on my “will get soon” list). This place had tons of awesome sexuality, gender, trans, gay, lesbian, etc books…I was amazed. I bought Jamye’s new book, and one on Femme identity, and hope to go back there at some point. We had just enough time for some delicious tea before I hurried back on the subway to catch my greyhound home.

All this was just a wonderful day (despite my first ever driving ticket that morning…I made a left hand turn on a green light, on an empty street at 8:45 on a sunday morning…apparently, there is a street in Philly on which you cannot make left hand turns, even on a green light, and I now owe $117.50 to the city of Philadelphia), and I loved visiting New York. My knees (all my joints actually) are killing me from all the walking – I’m glad I wore my brace, and I’ve been rocking out on the naproxen and percocet today, but what a lovely adventure. I don’t think I could ever live *in* New York City, but between this trip, and my foray to visit my friend in Seattle in August, I’ve realized that I like being near enough to a large and liberal city (with awesome food choices) so that I have the option of visiting, adventuring and exploring. I still need to check out Portland, San Francisco, Washington D.C, and Toronto. Anywhere else awesome I need to put on my “must visit at some point list?” I think I also need to try to get up to and visit New York more often…maybe once a month, or every other month. There is just so much is has to offer.

Thanks to Dacia, and the lovely and hospitable city of New York for a wonderful pre-Christmas Sunday of exploration and self-justification. It was lovely!

Today I went to a friend’s holiday party, and I was hit in the head with reality.

Ouch…

Between school, and work, and this blog, and my wonderful, kind, and loving friends, it is easy to forget how hard it can be in the “real world” to be sex positive, or even just to be queer. I forget that.

So first of all, for all those people in the world that identify as anything that isn’t in the sexual mainstream; gay, lesbian, bi, trans, kinky, BDSM, queer, genderqueer, pansexual, poly, etc, I admire you. It is pretty fucking hard. It is hard to come out to anyone; to people you care about, or to strangers. The ones that matter, you have to deal with everyday. The ones you don’t know are so quick to judge.

Here I am at this party, and as far as I know, there are straight people, and there is a lesbian woman (well, in the kitchen…then in the other room, there are all 3 students from the Human Sexuality Education program and their partners…but I’m alone in the kitchen with these people from the “real world”) and somehow my identity comes up.

“Pansexul-ism. What’s that?”

“Pansexuality, actually…well, my PERSONAL version of it, because I don’t want to define it for anyone other that myself, is that I am attract to people and their personalities, rather than their sex, gender or genitals.”

Pandemonium ensues. One woman says that she thinks I’m cool, and she’s like to get to know me. One woman says something about how you have to know what is between a person’s legs before you can truly like them. Discussion continues. I am a the circus freak of the day.

Now I am carrying on two conversations; one with two therapists about class issues with working with trans youth clients in the foster care system while one woman keeps butting in about surgeries(“but doesn’t every tranny want to have their genital operated on? I saw this TV special…” Oh god…another TV special watcher. And no, as I said before, there are pre-op, post-op, and non-op. Many people decide for a variety of reasons that they don’t want to have operations) and a totally different conversation about identity. Now it’s morphed into validating identities. Somehow, I mentioned a woman I know who is dating a transman, and yet identifies completely as 100% straight. This woman at the party is incredibly offended by this, and has now gone into a rant about men who go after transsexual prositutes in the back of the paper who identify as straight, and how that’s just not ok, and how can I validate their identity…

All of this because I identify as a term that they’ve never heard before.

Earlier in the night, I was privy to this gem:
Me: “And it’s geared towards the queer community -”
Some woman: “Don’t use the term queer. It’s like saying retarded or something, very offensive.”
Me: “Um, as a member of the queer community, and someone who identifies as queer, I would say that it has become acceptable in our society. I wouldn’t ever use it as a derogative term, but as a descriptor, it’s definitely ok.”

But then I remember telling J how many people in Colorado don’t use the term queer (or didn’t when I was there), and how my sister’s high school has a Gay Straight Alliance because the term queer is still considered hate terminology (and therefore they can’t have a queer straight alliance).

I left the kitchen, and apparently the talk about trannies and pansexuality continued on and on and on for quite sometime (albeit without my side of things, according to the one or two women who actually seemed interested in wanting to genuinely hear what I had to say, rather than wanting to argue with me, or ask me questions about the state of my previous partners’ genitalia).

It was just so surreal to me. I’m so used to identifying as queer or pansexual and having people say “ok” or at the most, asking me to explain a little more, and then just accepting that for what it is. When I was with J, sometimes people wanted to know a little more about what genderqueer was, but never in a hostile manner. Tonight was the first time in years that I felt attacked for my sexuality, and it wasn’t even in a threatening place; it was a holiday party in Philadelphia. I can’t imagine what it would be like to grow up trans in Arkansas or lesbian in Iran. I count myself as so lucky. It’s not like my family has been incredibly supportive, but they haven’t been unsupportive either. I am so thankful for my friends, and coworkers, and everyone around me that makes my world such a wonderful, sex-positive, queer friendly place, so that I never feel that I have to question my sexuality, that I truly can just be who I am.

Thank you for that.

And again, to everyone that has to struggle, or has had to struggle, or will have to struggle; my thoughts are with you. Be strong. Stand up for yourself when you can, protect yourself when you cannot (and know that one day you will be able to come out and be your true self), and know that there is an amazing place out there where people don’t realize their privledge in getting to be themselves, sexual orientation and gender wise, not until they are confronted with it in another situation.

My “Christmas wish” is that everyone will one day get to experience the safety and warmth of getting to be out, safely.

But after tonight, I guess I’ll probably be more careful about who I out myself to in groups of strangers…because damn…45 minutes of direct hostile conversation, and 3 hours of indirect arguments and conversations that stem completely from your sexual identity? Well, that’s a lot for one pansexual young femme to handle. Good thing I didn’t mention I was non-monogamous or kinky…goddess knows what would have happened then!

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #111? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

Sex Worker Solidarity: Audacia Ray

“Visibility on our own terms and the ability to uses our voices (and other mediums of expression) are key to the progress of sex worker’s rights.”

So Many Men, So Few Sluts

“Everyone wants to avoid generalizations about men and women, yet they’re too powerful to ignore.”

This Time

“She had That Look, and despite my earlier fatigue, I knew what was coming.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself

Hombre Magazine’s Left Handed Ads

Editor’s Choice

Love in an Elevator

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

Sex Advice

The Everything Guide To Bras

Giving a woman a pedicure

Sex Tips for “Married Old Guys” – How to Keep Your Sex Life Hot, Even Without Erections!

Ten Things I’ve Learned abut Sex #3: Leave Your Clothing on a Pile

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Different Level of Consciousness

Intimacy

Jodie Foster, a lesbian

Loved endlessly…

Non-anniversary, uncelebration

Unwanted sexual experiences from a new angle; Men have needs too!

Where Do I Come (In)?

Sex & Politics

Strippers and libertarianism

BDSM & Fetish

Dinner and a Menage’ a Trois

Dominating her, er again part2

A Little Restraint

More from my last visit (pt. 2)

My First Erotic Awakening Massage

One Hell Of First Date

Thoughts…

V is for Vicious Ardor

Sex Work

Whip Me, Beat Me — And Call It Girlfriend Experience

Sex News, Reviews & Interviews

Featured Design: Pro-Porn

Fuck The Cheerleader, Fuck The World. (Hogtied.com, Forced Orgasms, Cheerleader)

Gift Guide #2

Intern Sex Toy Review – Saturn Cockring

Interview with Greta Christina about hiring a professional submissive

Pinky & Jade at Pinkys House (Inside Dacia’s Dirty Mind)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

Catalina loves Turning 36

Christmas Tree HNT

Fingers

Foreplay

I Speak Roughly, Part 2: RBU

It’s

The Kiss: All Through The Night.

The Limitations of Terminology

Patience Rewarded

The Shower – Part One

Trying on Shoes (a fantasy)

Women Dancing

Sex Poetry

While sleeping

NSFW Pics & Videos

Danni’s Friends in Daring Nude Galleries

Janelle Elson – Stairway To Janelle

Pornsaint Niya Yu

Sex Humor

Brunch Stories 2-The Strange Folks On Craigslist

Condom Use

I am incredibly amused by this:

And is case you were not able to understand the lyrics, the last verse is:

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my true loves gave to me

And a quick course in polyamoury

See all the lyrics (teriaries, boyfriends, lovers and more are the giftgivers) here.

It’s nice to see someone doing something cute (and non “slutty and lots of sex-having” oriented) about polyamory.

Essin’ Em

Always Aroused Girl asked used us at EdenFantasys to do a little video blog on actual toy size versus people’s fantasies of toy sizes. So we did so. This first part is about how we do the actual measurements of toys, and we demonstrate on the “Great American Challenge” which is actually a 12″ insertable dildo (something that people ask for all the bloody time!). It’s HUGE. As in I ran away screaming when I saw it.

Example:

Then, here is part two in which I apparently say that your vagina is bigger than your eyes, in which I was really trying to say that your eyes are bigger than your vagina (like that old cliche about eyes and stomach and don’t eat too much). I blame it all on the percocet. We show you more realistically sized toys, and talk about girth as well.

Pretty spiffy, eh? I bet you’ve been missing them…well, we’re back, and I’m in black, so we’re here to stay. Let me know what you think :)

I’m a day late, but I just wanted to remind everyone that December 17th is the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers. (You can read a little about it here)

Rather than just a day, many people think you should recognize the whole week as ending violence against sex workers.

Annie Sprinkle’s 10 suggestions for participation
Annie Sprinkle offers Ten Things You Can Do to Participate

On December 17th, people around the world will be calling attention to hate crimes against sex workers. Here are some suggestions and options for ways to participate. Or by all means, make up your own.

10. Read Daisy Anarchy’s poem” Green River Cry”, to yourself or to friends, or at one of the public events. Or email it around.

Please do something, anything to help prevent and stop all of the violence against sex workers in our society.

Essin’ Em