Sexuality Happens

I just got off the phone with J.

It was supposed to be a regular phone conversation, chatting and whatnot, but it turned into revelations 101, emotional out pourings, tears and all.

Apparently (keeping in mind that we broke up November 11th), J had been questioning the relationship since the end of September, beginning of October.

Yup, remember that drive to the wilds of New Jersey to the Olive Garden for our anniversary, complete with me fucking him in the back seat of the car in the parking lot? Yeah, he wasn’t sure we were right for each other.

Ditto with him driving down to see me, me tying him to my bed and fucking him for an hour. He wasn’t happy with our relationship.

He was unhappy and I didn’t know. What the fuck kind of partner does that make me? How could the person that I loved be not happy, and I think everything was ok? Difficult, yes, since we were 3 hours away and in different stages in our lives, but ok never the less?

And how could he not tell me? When he broke up with me, I thought it was sudden. And when it said he had been thinking about it for a while, I thought he meant a week or two, maybe three (since the last time we had been together). More than a month. J had been questioning it for more than a month, and I had not a fucking clue.

More over, J doesn’t know if we’ll be able to be friends (remember folks, this friends thing was all J’s idea) because we don’t have enough in common. Apparently, it bothers him that all we have in common is our shared love for sexuality/gender theory. In fact, J completely snapped and yelled at me until I burst into tears and started sobbing when I told him that I wanted to ask him about coming out in HS because I was working with all these queer youth who had come out in HS, and I hadn’t, and that I wanted to tell him about this interesting thing I learned in my trans class. It seems that we had an “academic sex life” (whatever that means; he later recanted that statement) and that he was sick of talking about sex and queerness and all that.

Well, I wish he had told me that. One time in the grocery, he told me that he could never date someone straight; he had to be with someone queer, who understood his queer identity and his gender, and who themselves was queer and “got it”, etc. When I was with his friends, I never felt queer enough, and always felt like I had to pretend to be more cool and queer than I was, and here he is tell me that I am too queer and sexuality based for him, and that I was incapable of having other interests.

Outside of school friends, J is the ONLY person I talk about that stuff to, and school wise, we don’t talk about that much gender stuff, it’s more general sex ed, and porn stuff. I have SO many other interests that have nothing to do with sex, and as of recently, I am sick of sex. The topomax I am on for my migraines has officially killed my sex drive (I checked with my GP; it’s an official side effect), and between classes and work, I am just done with sex. I’d rather talk about politics and music and roller derby and my cats and Colorado and the books I just read and Harry Potter and the educational system and racial division in Philadelphia and so much more. But apparently I am so one-dimensional that all I am capable of is talking about sexuality, gender and queer issues, so we might not be able to be friends.

So here I am in tears, upset by the fact that I just found out that J was unhappy for more than a month, that J sees me as only able to talk about sex/sexuality, and that J doesn’t think we’re going to be able to be friends, after I’ve spent the last month trying my damndest to be able to be friends. I’m sucking it up, getting in together, getting ready to talk to J about where I see this being able to go now that I feel broken and guilty and just completely messed up…

And J goes off on a cigarette break with a roommate. He’ll try and call me thursday or friday when finals are done. I’m welcome to email him this week if I feel like it.

I’m a bigger wreck than I’ve been in weeks.

I feel like I’m getting an ulcer because my stomach hurts so much.

Why does it hurt so god damn fucking bad?

Edit:A long hot shower and a journey through all of J’s LJ entries about me/us has does wonders. I know that at SOME point(s) at least, he was happy. He must have been. And at some point, he *did* want someone who was sexuality savvy and queer conscious. Things just change. I just wish it didn’t affect me so much. I wish I could just “get over it” like he has and move on. I guess I just hold on to things longer.

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #110? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form.

This Week’s Picks
Body Image In Art, Porn & Media
“Imposing it upon myself, or accepting that someone else has the right to impose it upon me, is something I can refuse to do.”

The Importance of Getting Tested for Sexually Transmitted Infections
“I am taking care of myself. I wish they would do the same.”

When Natural Doesn’t Feel Natural at All
“I’d kept mine neatly trimmed for so long, then cleanly shaved, that I couldn’t remember what I look like in full and natural form.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Pic(k) of the Day

Editor’s Choice
Darkroom Fantasy

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

Erotic Writing and Experiences
A Blow By Blow Lesson
The Butch/Femme Tango
CyberGirl and I last night…
Endless to everlasting
Happy Birthday
“He”…
I told her of my blog
Making love, man to man
MILF Barbie
Confessions: My First Blowjob
O
The Other Side Of The Table – Part 4
Possession

NSFW Pics & Videos & Audio
Ekaterina (Hegre)
HNT: Downblouse/Upskirt Tease
Kimberley Franklin – White High Heels
Orchid
Shay Laren dancing topless

Sex History
Antique Tommy Also Came

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
“The Dinner Party”
Dipping My Toes In Foreign Waters – Polyamory
World AIDS Day

Sex News, Reviews & Interviews
Catalina loves XXXmas Shopping
The Cone
From Object to Subject
Memphis Monroe HotMovies Interview
My reason
NEW Blogging Designs!
Sexy’s New Holiday Center & Erotica Contest – Win $25.00!

Sex Poetry
The Crescendo
Half-Nekkid Haiku

BDSM & Fetish
Blow-up dolls
An Erotic Picnic
Goody Fellatrix
I’m TOO submissive
My Play Piercing Video
Soulmates Reunited
Tale of a Shoe Fucking Piss Slut
Wait.
Webcamming, Bondage, and Amateur Porn…

Just a thought.

It is much harder on your heart to be friends with an ex than it is to just have a clean break, and dislike them.

Yes, it will probably better in the long wrong. Yes, I don’t think I could stand to not have some semblance of J in my life right now. But it hurts. I miss J some days a hell of a lot…some things bring up a lot of shit, and not compartmentalizing it, putting all of our stuff in a box and shoving it under my bed makes it much more difficult than it would if I had just said “screw this” and moved on.

I mean, I’m glad we’re friends, and talking to J helps, but I never realized how much I really had invested in this relationship until it ended. Maybe it’s good it ended when it did. I never realized how much I cared for J; it kind of scares me how much it hurts now when I think about how much I miss what we had.

But then I hang out with friends, and my cats, and I work, and go to school, and move on with my life. I just wish it was easier than it is. It’s always been so much easier having the crazy, angry break ups where I never had to deal with missing my exes….

Here I am with all sorts of presents, getting ready to give give give ;) Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

On a more serious note:

You know, after a conversation with friends the other night, and a talk with AAG, I’ve been thinking a lot about sexually assault, and unwanted sexual experiences from a different perspective.

I’m a survivor of sexual assault. It happened my first year of college, and while it’s not something you ever get over, I’ve done a lot of processing and work, and I’ve worked for sexual assault prevention groups, and on hotlines, and it’s not a touchy “I can’t talk about it subject.” It’s a big activist thing for me. However, it really gets me when anyone makes it a women’s issue, because it’s not, not from ANY perspective. It’s not only women that need to watch themselves, certainly the people who are doing the assaulting need to take the responsibility, but it is ALSO not only women that are the survivors (I like that term a lot better than victim) of sexual assault/violence/pressures/abuse.

I’m not minimizing AT ALL, in any way shape or form what happens to women. AT ALL. Let me state that first. It happens to me. It happens to millions of women everyday.

It needs to stop. That goes without saying, and I will work to stop sexual violence against women until my last breath.

But we also need to think about men. Men are “victims” as well. I don’t just mean men that are survivors of incest and child abuse. I don’t just mean men that are survivors of domestic violence or stranger rape (5-10%). Let’s look at our social construction of masculinity and male (esp heterosexual male) sexuality in our society.

Imagine going off to college and wanting to not be sexually active, and still wanting to be “cool” and fit in. You go to a big party, you meet some “cool” new guy “friends” and suddenly, everything about being cool and fitting in is about sex. They introduce you to an older woman, maybe a sophomore or a junior, and she is all over you. She tells you she loves to deflower freshman boys (I’ve met women in college like this; they do exist), and to fit in with that crowd, you have to “prove” your sexual prowess. By this point, you’re drunk, and you’re scared, and you just want to make friends They show you to a room upstairs, shove you inside with the hot sophomore, maybe hand you a condom if you’re lucky, and lock you in, telling you to bang on the door when you’ve “done your duty and proven yourself.” You just want to go home, to get out of there, but don’t know how to do it without physically pushing this girl off of you. You tell her no, you’re not interested, and she asks you if you’re gay. You tell her no, you’re just not ready for sex yet. She pushes you onto the bed, takes your clothes off, gives you oral, and has intercourse with you. After you come, she opens the door, tells all the guys that you’re a real man now, and you’re finally accepted.

Things like this happen allllllllll the time. If the sexes were reversed, that might VERY easily been seen as date rape, or at least sexual coercion, but here, it’s generally seen as a guy finally manning up and losing his virginity in such an AWESOME way. I see it as a form of sex assault, to be honest.

Look at the movie 40 Days and 40 Nights. At the end of it, Josh Harnett ties himself to the bed so that he won’t touch himself (to fulfill the end of his Lent deal). His ex comes in and RAPES HIM. She has sex with him completely unconsentually as he is saying no and struggling. Then, his current girlfriend comes in and rather than comfort him, or help him deal with the situation, she tells him how “disappointed in him” she is. The movie completely makes light of the fact that a male was just sexually assaulted, because clearly a guy is “always” wanting it, and therefore cannot be assaulted.

Social and peer pressures make it hard for men to ever say no, especially in settings like high school, college, offices (rumor mills, the water coolers), construction sites, etc, where groups of guys “prove themselves” as men based on sex. If they aren’t having sex, they are seen as weaker, possibly as gay, not as “real men.” If they tell a woman they are with that they don’t want to have sex, sometimes she will feel unwanted, that she has done something wrong, that he isn’t “man enough”, that he is gay, that he “can’t get it up” etc. Again, peer pressure and social conceptions pressure many guys into having unwanted sexual experiences that they aren’t ready for and don’t want to have. Some of these aren’t necessarily at the same level as sexual assault, just like not every unwanted sexual experience a woman has can be placed at sexual assault, but I think it is very important that we won’t completely discount men when we talk about this subject; men are struggling too from this whole Tough Guise (thank you Jackson Katz) issue, and may need support in the same way that women do, but we are so quick to categorize ALL men as villians in the area of sexual assault and violence.

Just something to think about.

Essin’ Em

Totally un-sexuality related news:

The Word of the Year is:

w00t

As an avid geek myself, I think that’s kind of awesome.

On the other hand, I’m kind of sad that stuff like w00t and pwned is becoming so mainstream.

Plus, hypocrite is a way better all around word if you think about it.

Yet, I’m very glad that “to facebook” (yes, as a verb) did NOT win. It was in the top 20 contenders. I have facebooked, been facebooked, and I do facebook on a regular basis, but I feel that w00t is a way better word.

So w00t!

Essin’ Em

I used to work for a by women for women porn company. It was a fun job, it had lots of perks, I got to “interview” (via myspace and email) feminist porn stars, I got to watch lots of porn, I had a weekly sex tips column, it was very cool.

But none of it compared to yesterday.

You see, Friday, I was working from home, and my boss (a 40 something year old Russian man) and I were talking about the direction we want our community to go…we’re building a sex positive, feminist base community out of this sex toy site. And he wanted me to explain to a writer that he wanted a piece written on the “gender question.” And then proceeded to talk about orientation. So I “sat him down” (figuratively) of course, and gave him the gender 101 talk. We talked about sex vs. gender, we talked about transgender vs. transsexual vs. transvestite vs. genderqueer vs. queer vs. pansexual every term he asked me about. We talked gender, we talked orientation, you name it. I sent him a glossary I had created for my ally program curriculum, and he read over it. Then we talked feminism. And what feminism was when it started, and what feminism was to me, and what it was becoming. It was so interesting. I wasn’t sure if it was going to go anywhere, because after all, he is a cisgender straight middle aged business man; what vested interest would he have? But it was nice that we had that conversation, and that I could help to educate someone else, right?

I walked into his office yesterday morning, and he holds up a book. Gender Trouble “Shanna, have you ever heard of this, Judith Butler?” My boss was so interested in understanding the foundations of feminism and gender that he went out and purchased Judith Butler and had been reading all weekend. I mentioned My Gender Workbook to him, and he wrote it down, told me he would like to read it, and we had more interesting discussions.

This is not to say that I never had good talks at my last job. In fact, my last boss did ask me to write him an essay on what feminist was to me, because he didn’t really ‘get’ it, and didn’t understand feminist porn, or the ideals behind it. I do support people trying to learn. But there is a huge difference between someone telling you to write an essay so they can “get” your view point, and someone making the effort to read feminist and gender philosophy so that they can understand the foundations of feminist and gender theory in order to make their community a better place.

I think I made the right decision.

-Essin’ Em

I am now one year older.

Happy Birthday to me :)

And now, to the Philly Roller Girl’s Snow Brawl

I thought I’d compile a list of cool things I’ve found links to recently, so if you’re bored this lovely weekend, and need things to check out, you’d have something exciting to do.

Dr. Dick just published a pretty awesome and well fleshed out new guide on penises, penis pumps, what works, and what sure as hell doesn’t. Check it out if you’re interested: Dr. Dick’s Handy Dandy Guide to Penis Pumps for Men

There is an academic survey going on about LGBTQ individuals. Participating in this study means they’ll get more information about the queer community and hopefully see if we have any cool political and cultural influence. It took me about 10 minutes to complete and is completely anonymous. To participate in the LGBTQ survey Click Here!

Curvaceous Dee has an interesting post up on her blog about non-monogamy and disclosure; what do you disclose to which partners and when (and which levels; primary, secondary and tertiary)? She also has provided a plethora of awesome links about non-monogamy and polyamory. Read her p loop de loop in Poly relationships.

Miss Avarice was a guest writer at the Sugarbutch Chronicles this week while Sinclair is in Seattle. She wrote an interesting bit about femme identity and being a femme dyke, which is usually not as visible/out as being butch, and how it is sometimes very difficult, and just as questioned. It really rung true with a lot of my experiences, as a femme, and as a pansexual (ie, as a queer, non-straight person that doesn’t always *look* queer). It’s very interesting and I think everyone should read Femme, a Matter of Intent.

That’s all for now folks. I’ll be rocking it up tonight at a joint birthday party for myself with a friend (not drinking of course; percocet is far more than enough for me!). Enjoy your weekend.

Essin’ Em

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #109? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form.

This Week’s Picks
From virgin cocksucker to blowjob queen
” I love to play and tease with my hand and tongue, lightly licking, sometimes using my panties or another soft fabric to run across the shaft.”

Interlopers
“Oh yes, I’ve seen it all before, I know what you’re here for.”

Old Friends
“His cultured voice warm, approving, promising; it makes me wet every time, an uncontrollable Pavlovian response.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
The Count

Editor’s Choice
Hot and Cold

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

BDSM & Fetish
Cuffed Off Guard
Dream #10
Mattress Navigation
Metal
More ideas of my own.
Naughty girl confesses
Or just submitting… (Part 3 about S)
PART 2 -She Came In Wearing A Corset, Stockings, And A Smile
Pre Game: Sex Camp, Antici….pation
So Delicious

Sex Poetry
Haiku Festival of Erotic Power and Rope

Sex News & Reviews
5 Naughty Gift Sets to Get for Christmas
Feminists Make Better Mates
Fetish Film – Outpatient (Latex, Bondage, Breathplay, Femdom, Spanking)
Intern Sex Toy Review – The Turbo Stroker
Kama Sutra Bliss
NEW Kinky Designs!
Toying With Pleasure – Jamye Waxman

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Emotional Sex is Too Much Work – Who Does She Think She Is?!
More Precious Than Flattery
One way, not the other – why don’t women get eaten out more?
Potential, Real

Sex Advice & Interviews
4 Advanced Cunnilingus Techniques
5 tips to being a sexy ‘cougar’
“Dancing With Werewolves” an Interview with Spanking Superstar Niki Flynn

Erotic Writing and Experiences
The Alley: Man working abroad
Almost a Zipless Fuck
Bathtime
HNT: Rehabilitation IV – The Return of the Cake!
Hooky
In the Laboratory
The list of notches on my bedpost
Lunch
More MILF (Men I’d Like To Fuck)
“She”…
Sugarbutch Star: Jefferson
Touch
A train experience
What it feels like for a girl…who wants to make another girl come

NSFW Pics & Videos & Audio
Audio: Red Wine Seduction
A Busy HNT
Leg Language by Andrew Blake
Peek-a-Boo Map
Pornsaint Kayla Jane Danger
Tiang Fang – White
Veronica (MC Nudes)

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #109? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form.

This Week’s Picks
From virgin cocksucker to blowjob queen
” I love to play and tease with my hand and tongue, lightly licking, sometimes using my panties or another soft fabric to run across the shaft.”

Interlopers
“Oh yes, I’ve seen it all before, I know what you’re here for.”

Old Friends
“His cultured voice warm, approving, promising; it makes me wet every time, an uncontrollable Pavlovian response.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
The Count

Editor’s Choice
Hot and Cold

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

BDSM & Fetish
Cuffed Off Guard
Dream #10
Mattress Navigation
Metal
More ideas of my own.
Naughty girl confesses
Or just submitting… (Part 3 about S)
PART 2 -She Came In Wearing A Corset, Stockings, And A Smile
Pre Game: Sex Camp, Antici….pation
So Delicious

Sex Poetry
Haiku Festival of Erotic Power and Rope

Sex News & Reviews
5 Naughty Gift Sets to Get for Christmas
Feminists Make Better Mates
Fetish Film – Outpatient (Latex, Bondage, Breathplay, Femdom, Spanking)
Intern Sex Toy Review – The Turbo Stroker
Kama Sutra Bliss
NEW Kinky Designs!
Toying With Pleasure – Jamye Waxman

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Emotional Sex is Too Much Work – Who Does She Think She Is?!
More Precious Than Flattery
One way, not the other – why don’t women get eaten out more?
Potential, Real

Sex Advice & Interviews
4 Advanced Cunnilingus Techniques
5 tips to being a sexy ‘cougar’
“Dancing With Werewolves” an Interview with Spanking Superstar Niki Flynn

Erotic Writing and Experiences
The Alley: Man working abroad
Almost a Zipless Fuck
Bathtime
HNT: Rehabilitation IV – The Return of the Cake!
Hooky
In the Laboratory
The list of notches on my bedpost
Lunch
More MILF (Men I’d Like To Fuck)
“She”…
Sugarbutch Star: Jefferson
Touch
A train experience
What it feels like for a girl…who wants to make another girl come

NSFW Pics & Videos & Audio
Audio: Red Wine Seduction
A Busy HNT
Leg Language by Andrew Blake
Peek-a-Boo Map
Pornsaint Kayla Jane Danger
Tiang Fang – White
Veronica (MC Nudes)