I’ve got beef (and I’m a vegetarian!)
I had something else I was going to write about today, and this has just put it out of my head.
I was just at the gas station, filling up my car. It was in New Jersey, where, strangely enough (at least for someone born and raised in Colorado), you don’t pump your own gas; you stay in your car, and someone does it for you. I pull up to the pump, roll down my window, say “good afternoon.” I hand over my credit card, and then say “fill me up with regular please.”
He says “I’ll fill you up with whatever you’d like, darlin’.”
Ok, firstly, that’s just a bad pick up line. No, you won’t, because:
a) I find that not even appealing at all.
b) Semen in general, even when I know it STI free is just kind of gross to me.
c) I practice safer sex, so even if we WERE to have sex, you wouldn’t be filling me up with anything.
d) Ewww.
f) That just makes me forget that I’m feeling kind of creeped out about straight men right now and want to sleep with you. Oh wait, no. It doesn’t. It makes it worse.
But all that aside, my beef is with “Darlin’”. And honey, and sweetie, and missie, and all those things that people all women/girls/female appearing people in our society.
Now, it’s one thing if you know me. If we have a relationship of sorts (a friendship, a sexual relationship, a work relationship, a casual relationship, whatever), fine. J was the only significant other I ever let call me “baby,” and that has a whole story behind it, but of a lot it had to do with the fact that I knew he was a feminist, and that it didn’t have any patronizing or demeaning “ness” behind it. Plus, we were just gross. I called him baby back. Granted, I put my foot down at “honey bunches of boobs,” but still, we were disgusting and gross and gooey, and everything I always said I wouldn’t be. I have friends that have cute nicknames for me…I call some of my friends Sunshine, etc. I know them, they know me, if it bothered us, we’d call each other out on it.
It PISSES ME OFF when someone calls me honey, or sweetie, or baby, etc who doesn’t know me (like a waitress, the guy at the dealership, someone at the drive through), etc, or someone who just met me (the guy I hooked up with at New Year’s kept calling me “my dear.” Um, excuse me? I’m NOT your dear…not now, not yet, and after that night, not ever). You don’t know me; you don’t know how I feel about that, you don’t know whether I find it endearing, upsetting, demeaning, etc. Why the hell would you do that? I mean, I used the word cunt around my friends because we’ve reclaimed it, but I don’t use it around people I don’t know because I don’t know how it will affect them. I am respectful of everyone (or I try to be).
I am sexist. I’ll be completely honest. It makes me angrier when men do it to me than when women do…but that pisses me off too. I’m not your honey, your sugar, any kind of sweetner (except maybe your Equal…haha!). I am not your dear, your love bunny, your bunches of oats, your anything like that. Bah humbug. Stop objectifying me, stop making me feel smaller than I am. It’s not nice. It pisses me off.
All of you out there, listen up. You can ma’am me, you can sir me, hell, even call me a bitch or a cunt. Just don’t call me darling if you don’t know me.
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Oh the slim that is New Jersey gas stations. I get where you’re coming from with this post, but I certainly don’t object to my friends and lovers calling me affectionate names. Strangers… eh, whatever, it’s icky, but I let it roll.
well, first things first: oh my god, holy shit, what the fuck? what a jackass! i think we all agree on that.
but…i actually like being “darlin’ed” by complete strangers if it’s completely obvious that it is done innocently. i think it humanizes interactions (and, yes, i think that even interactions with complete strangers should have a hint of that). i realize that it’s pretty damn subjective to decide when it’s innocent (usually being old helps in my book) which is what makes it dangerous to say. but, really, the context and tone of voice always makes it pretty clear to me.
the other problem is i hate being called ma’am. i’d much rather be called ‘hon’
of course, your objection is much more feminist and easier to back up than mine, so people who care are going to err on that side, and it’s probably best that way.
The first thing I thought of when reading this was my mother. She uses “honey” and “sweetie” a lot. Usually it’s with people she knows, like her daughters and their friends. But she does do it to waitresses or customers or clients of hers. It’s a quality I, myself, have picked up. Except mine is only for people I have some sort of connection to (friends, acquaintances, etc.). I guess where I’m going with this is that those pet names can be infuriating to me too, but it all depends on the source. Bubba the gas attendant would probably piss me off too, but a harmless old woman who meant nothing by it would probably just be cute to me. It might not be fair or objective, but it’s how I respond.
I wholeheartedly agree that the fellow was being a jerk. But I do have other thoughts:
When I say (to my significant other only) that I’m going to “fill her up” I’m generally referring not to semen, but just to penetration. That is, I’ll fill her vagina up with my penis. Or something :)
Of course, a stranger saying that to you is outrageous.
But the affection names… darlin’, sweetie, etc. I have to say that it’s usually an innocent politeness. I’ll say “dear” to a lady with nothing but respect. Of course if you hate it, you hate it, but I assure you that most people saying it think they’re just being polite — and isn’t it the intent that really matters?
In response to all of these…yes, intent does matter. Yes, some people do hate being called ma’am.
But what bothers me is look at the sexism of it; how many times do you see a man being called darlin? or hon? or sweetie? It’s not the specific people I’m mad at per sec, it’s the social construct that it is once more ok to belittle women…well, not belittle them, but to make them smaller, sweeter, more gentle and innocent, and weaker, by calling them these gooey icky (in my opinion) names, while guys get called Sir, dude, or whatever.
Just my $.02.
And PornCrank – thanks for the comment about filling up. I never though about it as a penis in vagina. Shows you that my anti-semen sentiment is shining through…oh the bias! Thanks for making me think :)
Terms of endearment are a matter of politeness here in the south, but I’ve noticed that only other women call me names like “sugar” “darling” “sweetie” and that stuff. The men call me “ma’am”, “miss” or “young lady” (which I’m not so fond of, so i can tolerate it). But these, like any words can be used rudely – in that case, I’m not a fan. But just because things are “polite” doesn’t mean they’re right. Calling women by diminutive (and food) names I think kinda takes away a measure of respect… It’s a hard question.