An interesting letter…
I got a letter in my inbox…
“I really like your blog. I think you’d actually be really pretty if you lost a little weight.
Why are all the sexually adventurous girls such fatties?
Best of luck!
Sweetpea
PS This isn’t to be offensive.”
I’d like to address this.
I DO find this offensive. It has taken me years and years to get to the point I’ve been the last year or two. I am completely ok with my weight. No, seriously. I mean sure, if I lost 10 pounds, I’d be ok with that too…but I’d also be ok if I gained 10 pounds. I still have the same brain in my head, the same feelings in my heart, the same size feet, the same bone structure, the same crazy hair. I’m still me, regardless of my weight.
We live in a size-ist culture. Do we realize how much this permeates every part of our lives? I am the same size (maybe one size larger) than the average American woman. Yet, I would only be pretty if I was skinnier? What does this say about the majority of American women? (I know the avg. size for teenagers is slightly smaller…but I’m not a teenager, am I?) That only 1/2 of our country (or less) is pretty?
Look at sizing…in many stores, an 8-10 is an XL. AN EXTRA LARGE. What the hell is this? The average American woman (depending on your study) is size 12, 14 or 16. When I was younger, there was a store called 5*7*9, made so to find those smaller sizes that were sometimes more difficult to find. Last I saw the store, it was 5*7*9 (and 00, 0, 1, 3). So basically everything below average…however, I believe that store has since gone out of business…why? Because EVERY “fashionable” store (and department store) now carries tons of those sizes…and those of us that aren’t a size 10 or below are now relegated to “specialty” shops like Torrid, Lane Bryant, Catherine’s, etc…when we’re still just as much women as those that shop at 10 and below (sometimes even 12 and below!) stores. And the specialty stores fuck with you too, making a 12 there the equivalent of a 14 or 16 in another store, to make us feel like we’re smaller and more normal, when really, why the hell don’t Torrid and Hot Topic get together, so we can shop 0-24/26 in one freaking store?
I may be bigger than what the average guy (or in this case, gal) thinks is pretty. However, I do not “need” to lose weight. I have low cholesterol, low blood pressure (so low I can’t take some meds in fact), and after multiple blood tests, the only deficiency I have is B12, which is common in vegetarians, and I’m now taking supplements for it. I go to physical therapy once or twice a week for my knee surgery recovery, and I am now back to skating once or twice a week, and going out dancing once or twice a week. I am healthy, I am active, and PS, I am hot.
If you’re not attracted to me, that is fine. However, don’t make it something about weight. There are beautiful men (and women) of all sizes; don’t discriminate based on something as silly as size. If you think I’m pretty, great. If not, not. Why be an asshat if you don’t need to be?
I have had sexual partners, so stop telling me that won’t happen because of my weight. If anything, I am more sexually adventurous because of it…I have more cushion for spankings, more boobage for breast play, more skin for sensation play.
I’ve accepted myself. It’s high time other people do too.
And that’s all I’ve got for today. I’m too frustrated with people to write anything of sexual interest.
Essin’ Em
22 Comments so far
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You have every right to find that comment offensive. (And know that the fact it was made at all, no matter the ‘qualifier’, says a ton about the commenter.)
This is part of a much larger (no pun intended), much more contentious discussion, which I won’t launch into here…but I did want to say that I’m sorry you’ve come across dolts such as this.
“Never underestimate the potential for boorishness.”
Whatever happened to, “If you can’t say somethin’ nice, don’t say nothin’ at all”?? I cannot conceive of how this was supposed to not be offensive. I have a voluptuous body shape as well, and Ess is right, it takes a conscious decision to love one’s shape. Once I loved myself, I couldn’t help but love my shape. Why try to ruin that?
*throws fit*
before addressing the actual issue: sweetpea, if you have to say “this isn’t to be offensive” that’s probably because it is offensive. if you don’t want it to be taken that way, you probably ought to rethink/reword it so that it is not offensive, rather than saying something mean and trying to excuse yourself. *bristle*
anyhow. size and sexiness are just not that related. i really think that people have a size that fits them – like, some people won’t or don’t look good big, but, then, some people won’t or don’t look good thin (also, i don’t like extremes in this as anything ;). people look good when they look right for themselves, and are sexy when they are happy with the way they look.
as for sizeist sizing, i noticed recently that, although i have weighed the same for 8 or so years, i have gone down about 4 sizes in that time (depending on the store, of course, as womens sizes are hopelessly fucked up). because apparently my self-esteem simply couldn’t bear that number on my pants being so “big”. what the fuck gives?
“Why are all the sexually adventurous girls such fatties?”
a) to make you reexamine your priorities. ;)
b) we’re not all
c) but, then, maybe there is a serious aspect to that question. because our society is so sizeist, as miss avarice said, “it takes a conscious decision to love one’s shape.” having to make that conscious decision often means you end up being more happy with your shape than the girl who never really had to think about it. and being comfortable with your body is a huge step towards awesome sex!
You are beautiful.
That’s all I wanted to say.
(oh, except… I remember that 5,7,9 store… I never could shop there… had a friend who loved to go in and browse, just so people might think she shopped there. craziness!!! I told my husband that story and he said, “You should have hung donuts at the entrance on strings from the ceiling.” Imagine the scene… lol)
P.S. Did I mention you’re beautiful? Truly. Are.
I hear shit like that all the time. Really. What the fuck? I guess its good when people that stupid speak up first, this way you don’t accidentally fuck them or something.
And boy does that shoot down my theory that women were more accepting of size than man. Catty bitches.
You know what the best is? When my parents think I should lose weight to find a boy. (I don’t have a ‘boyfriend’ who I can take home.)
I just smile and grin and go “Bitches, you don’t want to know what I was getting into last week. Plenty of people find me sexy.”
Lets go beat her up, and sit on her. Fatties Unite!
Unfortunately ignorance is something that people just love to share. If you feel sexy then you are sexy. Fuck’em.
I can’t remember who said this quote but one of my favorite high school teachers used it one day in class it goes something like
“Beauty is an experience, nothing else. It is not a fixed pattern or an arrangement of features. It is something felt, a glow or a communicated sense of fineness. What ails us is that our sense of beauty is so bruised and blunted, we miss all the best.”
I never really understood why people have thought that stereotypical beauty was so important. What really makes a person attractive is their confidence, sense of humor and intelligence. I would be angry too if someone critized something about me that I recently grew to accept and appreciate.
I agree you are beautiful, sexy and intelligent.
This person obviously has no idea what he/she is talking about, and meant it offensively.
One more time…. I think you are beautiful!
Size matters, some like petite and others like plush. There is no standard of what is just right. Just look at Craig’s and you will see all sizes and colors and they all seem to do well. That was the opinion of one person about their idea of what beauty is to THEM. That writer does not speak for me or anyone else.
Ignore him or her and have a good day.
To Anonymous:
I think you’re being overly generous. What the person said wasn’t so much about what they found attractive…it was a judgement call on the blogger. It was comparative. “I think you’d actually be really pretty if you lost a little weight.’
“You know, you’d be pretty desirable if you were taller.”
“…if you were white.”
“…if you were born of better blood.”
“…if you didn’t come from whereveritisyou’refrom.”
Whoever ‘Sweetpea’ is, they deserve to be smacked. This isn’t a freedom-of-speech issue. This isn’t a ‘you like blondes, I prefer redheads’ issue. This is an issue about decency and manners.
Shame on ‘Sweetpea’ and all of that ilk.
I’d be happy to deliver the figurative smack…and I’m not even that familiar with the blogger.
I feel fairly certain that SweetPea is in fact a dude whose personal preferences tend toward skinny chicks.
Good for him!
But I think what his letter is telling us is that he’s struck out in finding “sexually adventurous” girls in his limited range of what’s attractive.
So now he’s wishing he could bully some larger girls into slimming down in the hope that they’ll give him the time of day.
Eh, just a theory.
x
What really gets me (well, aside from this goofball saying such a stupid thing to such a lovely lady) is this constant battle we have in our culture about weight and fitness.
I mean, it’s not just a female thing. Granted, women have a tougher time of it – I wouldn’t suggest otherwise. But everyone who complains about media portrayals of women (must be thin, must have large breasts, etc) misses what the media says about men. Men are supposed to be fit, muscular, and strong. Overweight guys are always comic relief. People make jokes about sumo wrestlers, despite the fact that they could literally destroy people.
The other thing that bugs me: what are we supposed to do, exactly? “Too many people live sedentary lifestyles,” they say. What are you supposed to do when so much of our populace is chained to a desk for most of their waking hours? Add in chores and trying to make time for hobbies, family, and friends – when are we supposed to be “active?”
Sweetpea, change your handle. It doesn’t suit you. And ladies and gentlemen – lose weight only for yourself and for your health, not because of how others may judge you.
What an annoying letter!!!
However, 8-10 is an XL in stores?
What stores are you shopping in? >.>
I’m a size 8-10 and I’m usually a S-M… In fact I was in Target a few days ago and was a small in everything.
To be fair though, it’s true that I don’t shop that much… But, still.
I’m sure you already know what my response is going to be to this …
It’s extremely offensive! You’re pretty (damned hot) just as you are – because you’re you, you’re comfortable in your skin, and you love yourself. That’s what makes you shine :)
Sweetpea, you may find thinner women prettier – but no one cares about your tastes except you. So do us all a favour and realise that beauty is – yes, really, it is – in the eye of the beholder, and that the size of the person being ‘beheld’ has nothing to do with it.
xx Dee
I do believe it would be safe to say that Sweetpea has been owned. This person’s comments were extremely offensive, regardless of what he or she intended.
You’re lovely just the way you are, Essin’Em, regardless of what the tag on your shirt says. As a sewing hobbyist, I know well the perils of the dreaded Size Chart (not to mention plus-sized clothing lines where the plus-sized bust measurement is lower than standard sizing).
What matters is your health. You don’t need to be a stick figure to be healthy.
I’m re-chiming in. I agree, this is an issue of basic manners.
Probitionate, I agree. While beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and we all like different things in different people, and thats all good, you just don’t say things like that to people, even over the internet. I mean, everyone in the world knows my fetish for tall scrawny boys, but I’d never tell a tall average boy he’d be hotter if he lost weight. He’s probably hot the way he is, since its how you carry yourself, really.
Also, stupidity. Who starts a sentence with “I think you’d actually be really pretty if…” and tries to say its not meant to be offensive.
Stupid internet people. *growls*
*end rant*
(srsly. I’ve been thinking about this all day. stupid people!)
I keep getting the same comment from someone who just says “I bet your fat.” Yea, cause I claim to be a size 4 or something. I spammed him so his IP address and email will never be on my blog again- but what a douchebag.
Why do people do these things?? What a hateable dickwad! I think you are fantastic!!
badbadgirl – and you know what pisses me off even more than assholes? assholes who can’t even bother to insult you with correct grammar ;)
grrr! what an incredibly offensive comment, especially for someone as sexy and intelligent as yourself.
i am far more confident with my body, and therefore more at ease sexually now- 50 lbs heavier than my formerly skinny self. i’m actually able to have fun with my body now that i’ve stopped worrying about the numbers on the scale and started making a conscious effort to simply enjoy life as i am, no matter what the scale says.
have you read kate harding’s blog, “shapely prose”? it’s an amazing haven for body/fat acceptance:
http://kateharding.net/
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Offensive indeed. Who the fuck says that? What does your appearance have to do with your blog? A blog is a MENTAL outpouring; it should not be influenced by how you look. And I have seen you, and I would not say you are overweight. Our culture is horribly skewed. The only reason to change weight is for health reasons; otherwise, all sizes are beautiful. I could go on forever here, but I’m going to climb off my soap box and click away…
You do have every right to be offended.
If sizeists want to overcome their prejudice, reading you and getting in touch with who you are is a solution open to them.
You are beautiful. You are fantastic. Anyone can see that.
Hang in there.
(BTW I agree with alwaysarousedgirl’s comment.)
once, i was svelte. i was six feet tall, wore a size 8, and didn’t have a single stretch mark. then i had a baby, got some stretch marks and a wee smidgen of cellulite, ended up at a size 12-ish with lopsided boobs, and you know what? my body finally feels like home. when i was a teenager, i had a build that hollywood would kill for, but i would never go back.
i think you’re hot as hell, essin-em!