Sexuality Happens

April is National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month.

April starts tomorrow, for those of you unaware.

This obviously is a month/cause that is very close to my heart, for a variety of reasons.

One amazing group that works their ass off for this cause is the Rape and Incest National Network (RAINN), and is a great resource to give to anyone you know who may be a victim/survivor of assault. Their hotline is 1-800-656-HOPE, and their site is www.rainn.org.

In honor of this month, and Carly Milne’s new book (pictured above), they are launching the Grassroots Blogger Book Marketing Campaign 2008, hoping to raise money for RAINN, and notoriety about sexuality, sexual assault, sexology, etc.

How do you come in?

a) Tell your friends and family about RAINN. It’s an extremely important national organization.

b) Go here: https://donate.rainn.org/ to donate (s in https is crucial). Tell them I sent you (Essin’ Em) and that it’s for GBBMC08. Donate as much or as little as you can afford; every dollar helps.

c) Blog about this on your blog.

d) Tell people (if you are) that you’re a person they can talk to about sexual assault if they need an ear.

e) Know resources in your area to give to sexual assault survivors/victims.

f) If you have a story, and are willing to tell it, do. It won’t stop until people speak up and realize what is happening.

g) If you are not ready to tell your story, support those who do.

Throughout the month, I’ll be blogging (as usual) about sexuality, and will have a link on each page to donate to RAINN. I ask that you let them know you were sent by me and that it’s for GBBMC08, both so that they can measure how well this type of fundraising works, and also so that I can be entered to win cool prizes.

I will tell my story. I will tell of my 3 years working for a sexual assault prevention and survivor hotline group. I will talk about jokes people make about assault. I will talk about consensual sex. I will write about sex.

Again, please donate if you can: https://donate.rainn.org/. And if RAINN isn’t your cup of tea, or you have no money, please donate your money or volunteer hours to your local sexual assault prevention programs/survivor hotlines.

Together, we can do something.

-Essin’ Em

I’ve been on 2 “date like things maybe/maybe not” in the last 2 or 3 weeks. Both have been with people I’d value either as friends or as something more. And oddly enough, both have been at the same place.

In one case, a mutual friend sent me his (transguy) profile after seeing me post about looking for someone. Firstly, my friend messed up; he has a girlfriend, and also, is mostly gay, and is attracted predominantly to guys. So yeah, I’m guessing that was a not date. But we threw his bike in the back of my car amoungst high heels and a fancy dress (and yes, a unicorn horn dildo), right after the end of the monthly lesbian dance party (he was the doorman), and headed to a diner he knew about. It had a super long wait, so we went to another one. We sat and talked until 4:30am, then I dropped him and his bike off at home. My guess: friend hangout, not date.

Other case was today. She is a fellow derby person (stats, planning to try out for the league), a lesbian, and really freaking cool. I told her we should hang out at some point, we decided to do so this weekend a few weeks back, and I got a text from her this morning about doing something. After practice, helping out a friend with her curriculum, and having some liquids, I headed to meet her at a diner which she gave me directions to. Turns out, it was the same diner. Over water, diet coke, a salad and half of her rice pudding, we talked about school, sports, the state of things in Philly, diversity, rights, dancing, you name it. SHE READS AGATHA CHRISTIE TOO! ZOMG! I’ve never met anyone else over the age of oh, 60, that reads British mysteries. And she’s super smart; she has a degree in engineering already, and is 1 year away from her J.D. degree (which = esquire!). Anyways, she’s super cool, and she doesn’t think it’s bad that I’m a total nerd. And she has a cute smile and makes me blurt out nervous things.

But was it a date? Or just new friends hanging out? And how the hell do I know? I tried to put in openings for possible future hanging outs/dates by mentioning things I wanted to do/eat/see in Philly before I left, but we didn’t make any plans. We hugged goodbye, which I guess is a good sign, but also a friendly sign. I’d like to be friends with her, but also may more, especially after today and having such deep AND fun conversations with her, and seeing how incredibly awesome she is.

So how do I know? What do I do from here? I have never really “dated” before. In high school, my boyfriend was someone I had known since 1st grade, and had reconnected with on a visit to my college. In college, you never really went on dates, you just kind of wound up hanging out and watching movies in each others rooms and eating at the dining hall until you were “dating.” And then there was the few people I’ve gone on dates with from craigslist; all ridiculous experiences (except J), but at least I knew they were *supposed* to be dates. J and I went on one legit date, and a few demi-dates before I decided to really give it a chance. But that’s been my extent of dating. That’s it. I’ve never met someone at a club/school/work/bar/volunteer event, etc and then went on a date with them later.

I’m just confused. God damn, it’s a wonder anyone gets any, ever. Because goddess knows I’m not.

On a side note, I joined a few of the FTM erotica communities on LiveJournal, and as a side note to that, I’d love to suck some transguy cock right now, I really would. There is just something so incredibly hot to me about “tranny cock,” whether or not its on T, that I would just love to put in my mouth right now.

PS. I’m going to Dinah Shore! I leave Thursday! Who else will be there to keep me company!?!?!?

Essin’ Em

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day (who identifies mostly as a lesbian), and she was talking about a bisexual woman she knew who happened to be married. She went on this tirade about those women who don’t live the “gay lifestyle” (I’m not sure exactly what that is?)and claim heterosexual privilege by being in a heterosexual marriage, and then playing with women on the side, and how much she dislike that, and it irritated her, etc.

I was astonished. I mean, I had heard thoughts like this my whole life from both the straight and queer community, but never to my face from someone I knew (I guess maybe she just thought of me as a lesbian, and didn’t realize how offensive it was to me?).

One of her big beefs was that “these” bi women don’t embrace their queer identity (although this particular women met other women at lesbian clubs, so it wasn’t like she was hiding her sexuality, especially since her husband knew about it). As someone who used to identify as bi (and now like the term pansexual, which is still neither “lesbian” or “straight”), I’ve heard this my whole life, from both sides. The straight side is saying (again, not everyone, but some) that bisexuals aren’t really bi, that they’re either straight women (I’m talking about women here, as that is my experience) who are pretending to be bi, or that they’re really lesbians who haven’t come out yet. Then on the other side is the queer community (specifically many lesbians) who are very anti-bi (gold star lesbians, craigslist ads saying “no bi girls” etc) because they say that bi girls are really straight women who like to play around while keeping all of the great things about being straight.

Well, if you had that coming from all sides, would you really want to “come out” as bi? And what community do you even come out to? Coming out to your straight friends, you are either shunned as not knowing what you want, or you’re told that you’re wrong about what you feel, or you get anti-queer sentiments. Coming out to your queer friends, you’re suddenly the “straight friend that likes to play with girls” or they feel they’ve been tricked. As bisexual, we do not have the privilege of having a community that welcomes us. There are very few bi support groups, and even less research and funding for bisexual research.

She pointed out that the “bi research” said that bi women tend to not be attracted to specific genitals, but rather, people who are most like them in personality. Regardless of the validity of the “bi research,” I feel that’s really how most people are, regardless of sexuality. Aren’t you attracted to people who have similar interests and passions? I don’t think many people go out saying “I am looking for someone with the perfect penis/vagina.” I mean, how would you know what their genitalia looks like? Or even if it is what you think it is? Why does this make bi people so different, that we like the people who we feel comfortable with, to whom we’re attracted, etc?

I guess I don’t understand why there are such feelings of anger, hate, betrayal, avoidance, etc. I mean yes, it can be frustrating to see someone who identifies as “LGBTQ” enjoying the rights of being married…but can you imagine how hard it is for them to never fit in with either main group? Or to have to hide their sexuality? Think about how many gay or lesbian self-identified people live on the downlow, whether in a marriage with a beard, or by living as a single person so that other people don’t know about their girlfriend or boyfriend. The queer community doesn’t ostrichize them…they say that it is hard to come out, that it’ll take time, and they’ll always be welcome in the queer community. On the other hand, when a woman identifies outwardly as bi, regardless of who she is currently with, or attracted to, suddenly there are walls put up.

So I’m just saying I wish people would think a little bit more because they jump to conclusions about bi women. Just like there are lesbian identified women who end up marrying men, and straight identified women that come out as a lesbian at age 50, yes, some bi women might be confused. But not all bi women “don’t know their sexuality” and they aren’t trying to hide behind privilege. Maybe they just don’t have anywhere to belong because of all the strong feelings of both sides, and they’re pushed back into hiding in the mainstream, because when they do come out, they’re told that they are wrong,that they aren’t really queer, that dot dot do, etc. I’m asking you, just think for a second, put yourself in others shoes, before you judge them on their sexuality.

And you know the funny thing? My friend is dating a bi woman. Who was dating a guy for 2+ years, including a few months that she was dating her (everyone knew about everyone. Channeling much?

Essin’ Em

It may be up a little late, but it’s up. Luckily, I posted some of those new photos I like on Facebook, so I just DLed them back onto my Mac. This wasn’t the one I had planned for today, but it’s my “I kinda look pissed, I kinda look strong, and I kinda look like I’m going to take over the world.”

It’s been a tough two weeks. I’m still dealing with insurance issues. The rental car company doesn’t actually have a car for me right now, they’re going to call me when they do. I hope it’s soon; I would love to go shopping for oh say, food? Plus I have to do my taxes at some point.

But my cats love me, and I love them, even if they like to play with dead termites. And rip open all the trashbags of stuff I salvaged from my car.

Und das ist alles von mir!

Essin’ Em

I’m back in Philly. I only had 3.5 hours of delays and got on and off 3 planes (American Airline issues) before I finally took off from Dallas.

I got my car towed.

I had messages from the other driver’s insurance and auto body place…I’m not sure why they didn’t call my cell, since I gave it to him. I called them at midnight and left messages, so that they didn’t think I was avoiding them.

There are termite bodies alllllll over my bathroom, kitchen, etc. I took an hour to pick up a bunch with paper towels, then mop, and vacuum the carpeting. I left a message for my landlord telling him it needed to be fixed NOW or I was calling the department of health.

Tomorrow I need to call the insurance injury claims lady and see about seeing a chiropractor or something. I also need to call Enterprise and get a rental. And call back all those people. And unpack. And kill all the fucking termites in the entire world.

That is all.

-Me.

I’m back in Philly. I only had 3.5 hours of delays and got on and off 3 planes (American Airline issues) before I finally took off from Dallas.

I got my car towed.

I had messages from the other driver’s insurance and auto body place…I’m not sure why they didn’t call my cell, since I gave it to him. I called them at midnight and left messages, so that they didn’t think I was avoiding them.

There are termite bodies alllllll over my bathroom, kitchen, etc. I took an hour to pick up a bunch with paper towels, then mop, and vacuum the carpeting. I left a message for my landlord telling him it needed to be fixed NOW or I was calling the department of health.

Tomorrow I need to call the insurance injury claims lady and see about seeing a chiropractor or something. I also need to call Enterprise and get a rental. And call back all those people. And unpack. And kill all the fucking termites in the entire world.

That is all.

-Me.

To borrow a line from Annie, “Tomorrow is a day away.”

I have a new, non-broken Mac. I am having a hell of a lot of problems changing over from a PC. Where is the home key? The end key? Why is there no shortcut for a page break? Why is everything so small in word? Ack.

I also gave up my few afternoon plans in order to figure out a ride back to Best Buy (where they were *gasp* nice and polite and helpful, unlike Apple lady who made me want to hate the whole company).

BUT

I now have computer. I have been working on my curriculum for hours.

I am all packed to fly back to Philly tomorrow.

I have not been in contact with Jared, my insurance guy, but will call him from Dallas/Fort Worth about towing.

I 95% sure have a ride home from the airport.

Dacia and Wendy were kind enough to offer me their old phones!!!! Yayyy phone!!!

I still need to figure out how to work my remote desktop from this Mac (is that even possible?), how to get through security at the airport with 2 laptops (juggle?), and how to make my suitcase weigh less than 50 pounds, since I took a TON of books out of my messenger bag in order to fit the second laptop in. I also need to figure out my rental, whether I’ll be able to make the Sanger Symposium on Friday and Saturday, what to do about residual shoulder/neck/back pain, if I’ll ever feel like masturbating/having sex again, how to get to the office Friday, and dot dot dot etc.

In the meantime, I’m going to bed. My sister is pissed about the glow from the computer screen.

I thank every one of you for your kind words, wishful thoughts, etc. I really appreciate it, and hopefully will get back to my regularly schedule sexuality programing in the next few days.

-Essin’ Em

I’m not sure what I’ve done that is so horrible to deserve all this karmic retribution. I mean, I volunteer, I adopt rescue animals, I let people in front of me when driving, I donate to charity, I give food to the homeless on the street. I’m studying to be a teacher. Come on.

I went to buy my Mac today (Dacia – the refurbished one was only 100 bucks less than the one I wanted, and I would have had to wait a week. I need to be online to work on Thursday, plus I have this curriculum due soon and need to work on it). I bought it, MS office, a 3 years service plan + accident insurance, and a case. While I was waiting, I called the registrar at Widener to double check they got my petition to graduate. They hadn’t. In fact, they also hadn’t changed me out of the Doctoral program to the Master’s program, even though I turned in all my paperwork in January. Early January. Fuck.

I went to lunch, and got back to the hotel. I plugged in my Mac, ready to install Word and get to work on this homework that is due. It was on for 30 seconds, and then shut down. I couldn’t get it to turn on again. I let it charge, tried again. Nope. Unplugged it, tried, nope. I tried all the weird tricks in the little booklet…but even though the battery power have 4 dots, it wouldn’t turn on.

I called Apple. She wanted my serial number…which involved me turning on the computer to get to it…which I could do. She asked me if I could hear a ding. No, I told her, it’s not doing ANYTHING. She then told me I could ship it into them, and I’d get it back in a week or two (keep in mind I need to be online Thursday to work, and have about 60 pages + research to type for Monday). She told me it was my fault for buying it from Best Buy rather than Apple.com.

Um, what? It’s still your product. YOU sell to Best Buy, making them a distributor. Don’t tell me I shouldn’t have bought from there, because guess what? I need your product TODAY. There is no Apple store here. I cannot wait for it to ship from Apple.com. Plus, the Apple Protection Plan involves shipping it into the company…the Best Buy plan involves bringing it into the store and having the Geek Squad fix it, usually while you wait. Hmmm…I wonder (given the fact I use my computer 12 hours a day or more) which I’d choose. I didn’t tell her to fuck off, but I did ask her what kind of product they were putting out that was supposed to be “all that” and then wouldn’t even turn on. Again, she told me if I had bought it from Apple.com, it wouldn’t have happened.

I called Best Buy. They told me to bring it back. Well, my mother (she with the rental car) and sister are shopping (again, third day in a row) for Prom Dresses. I have no way to get to Best Buy. I am flying home tomorrow, and have a hunk of metal for a car in PA.

I bought a Mac because everyone wouldn’t shut up about how wonderful they were, and I’d had problems with my Dell. I have to say folks, that I’m VERY unimpressed, and incredibly pissed.

And if one more person tells me that it can only get better, I will hit them. Someone said that about my house and my grandmother, then I was in a car crash. Then someone else said it, and my computer crashed. Then someone else said it, and I lost my cell phone (although it was found a few hours later). This morning, my mother said it, and I found out about my University issues. On the way home from Best Buy, my friend said it on the phone, and voila, I have a broken computer (brand new).

This is ridiculous. Every single aspect of my life is going to pieces, and I have no idea why, or what I did to make it happen. I just don’t get it.

Well, when the going gets tough, one can suck it up, one can break down, or one can ask for her. And that’s what I’ve decided to do. I’ve asked my friends to give me a ride from the airport Wednesday (waiting to hear). I’ve asked the insurance company to see if the rental car place can pick me up and take me in on Thursday, instead of finding a ride there. I’m asking around to see if anyone has an old, SIM card using, ATT/Cingular compatible cell phone that I can have cheaply. I’m going to try and buy a Mac tomorrow, and I’m going to ask for a hell of a lot of help getting it set up, trying to transfer my files, learning how to use it, etc.

My next concern (being a worry wart), is money. Not just now money (although with the pay cut, and now needing to pay for unplanned things, it *is* a concern), but when I move to Colorado, finding a job (that pays at least what I made before my pay cut AND has benefits) and then an apt near my job.

So if you know people in Colorado (or live there yourself), I’m asking YOU for help. Please let them know that a 20-something talented lady with a B.A. and Master’s of Education will be moving to the Denver Area in the beginning/middle of July. Let them know she has experience in writing/editing/copy editing/marketing/PR/education/community outreach/event planning, and more. Tell them she can type 60+ WPM, knows MS Office, basic HTML, and some other computer programs (and learns quickly). Explain that she speaks German fairly well, that she is friendly, outgoing, reliable, creative, responsible, fun to work with, and just all around awesome. Also, it DOESN’T need to be a job in the sex/sexuality field. It could be PR or Marketing for a product of any sort (or any company), writing for anyone, etc.

Although a super conservative or super religious job probably wouldn’t want me.

I will dye my hair if needed. And all my tattoos are cover-up-able.

So please, I know it’s early, but *good* jobs that pay well with benefits take a lot of time to find. I’m asking you to put out your feelers…resume and references upon request.

Thanks for all of your support, and in advance for your help here,

Essin’ Em

My laptop (which I use for work, for school, for everything…we’re talking 12 or 14 hours a day) just crashed. I’m typing on the hotel computer.

So I now have no car, no computer, less money than I’ve been making, an apt being eaten by termites (and mice?), no grandmother, a family that hates me and fights with me all the time, and a broken spirit. And a 100+ page curriculum due next week…40 pages of which are done, and oh, on the laptop.

Oh, and I’m in pain whenever I make any movement.

I’m terrified I’m going to get home, and one of my cats will be dead, because seriously, what else can I lose?

I hate my life. I really just want to die right now.