Sexuality Happens

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day (who identifies mostly as a lesbian), and she was talking about a bisexual woman she knew who happened to be married. She went on this tirade about those women who don’t live the “gay lifestyle” (I’m not sure exactly what that is?)and claim heterosexual privilege by being in a heterosexual marriage, and then playing with women on the side, and how much she dislike that, and it irritated her, etc.

I was astonished. I mean, I had heard thoughts like this my whole life from both the straight and queer community, but never to my face from someone I knew (I guess maybe she just thought of me as a lesbian, and didn’t realize how offensive it was to me?).

One of her big beefs was that “these” bi women don’t embrace their queer identity (although this particular women met other women at lesbian clubs, so it wasn’t like she was hiding her sexuality, especially since her husband knew about it). As someone who used to identify as bi (and now like the term pansexual, which is still neither “lesbian” or “straight”), I’ve heard this my whole life, from both sides. The straight side is saying (again, not everyone, but some) that bisexuals aren’t really bi, that they’re either straight women (I’m talking about women here, as that is my experience) who are pretending to be bi, or that they’re really lesbians who haven’t come out yet. Then on the other side is the queer community (specifically many lesbians) who are very anti-bi (gold star lesbians, craigslist ads saying “no bi girls” etc) because they say that bi girls are really straight women who like to play around while keeping all of the great things about being straight.

Well, if you had that coming from all sides, would you really want to “come out” as bi? And what community do you even come out to? Coming out to your straight friends, you are either shunned as not knowing what you want, or you’re told that you’re wrong about what you feel, or you get anti-queer sentiments. Coming out to your queer friends, you’re suddenly the “straight friend that likes to play with girls” or they feel they’ve been tricked. As bisexual, we do not have the privilege of having a community that welcomes us. There are very few bi support groups, and even less research and funding for bisexual research.

She pointed out that the “bi research” said that bi women tend to not be attracted to specific genitals, but rather, people who are most like them in personality. Regardless of the validity of the “bi research,” I feel that’s really how most people are, regardless of sexuality. Aren’t you attracted to people who have similar interests and passions? I don’t think many people go out saying “I am looking for someone with the perfect penis/vagina.” I mean, how would you know what their genitalia looks like? Or even if it is what you think it is? Why does this make bi people so different, that we like the people who we feel comfortable with, to whom we’re attracted, etc?

I guess I don’t understand why there are such feelings of anger, hate, betrayal, avoidance, etc. I mean yes, it can be frustrating to see someone who identifies as “LGBTQ” enjoying the rights of being married…but can you imagine how hard it is for them to never fit in with either main group? Or to have to hide their sexuality? Think about how many gay or lesbian self-identified people live on the downlow, whether in a marriage with a beard, or by living as a single person so that other people don’t know about their girlfriend or boyfriend. The queer community doesn’t ostrichize them…they say that it is hard to come out, that it’ll take time, and they’ll always be welcome in the queer community. On the other hand, when a woman identifies outwardly as bi, regardless of who she is currently with, or attracted to, suddenly there are walls put up.

So I’m just saying I wish people would think a little bit more because they jump to conclusions about bi women. Just like there are lesbian identified women who end up marrying men, and straight identified women that come out as a lesbian at age 50, yes, some bi women might be confused. But not all bi women “don’t know their sexuality” and they aren’t trying to hide behind privilege. Maybe they just don’t have anywhere to belong because of all the strong feelings of both sides, and they’re pushed back into hiding in the mainstream, because when they do come out, they’re told that they are wrong,that they aren’t really queer, that dot dot do, etc. I’m asking you, just think for a second, put yourself in others shoes, before you judge them on their sexuality.

And you know the funny thing? My friend is dating a bi woman. Who was dating a guy for 2+ years, including a few months that she was dating her (everyone knew about everyone. Channeling much?

Essin’ Em