Thoughts on an ex
This is what I wrote yesterday afternoon, debating about whether I should make it go live:
“It seems that everyone is writing on exs lately. Well, it’s my turn.
J has been really hurting me, and I don’t know if he’s doing it on purpose, or just doing as part of being him.
You know, I was just thinking the other day how far I’ve come since we broke up. And since even before that. See, I leave for Dinah Shore on Thursday…and back in October (maybe even November), when I booked tickets, J and I were talking about it. As part of our open relationship spiel, I was explaining that I wanted to able to sleep with someone, should the opportunity present itself. Rather than agreeing, or disagreeing, or even talking about Dinah, he asked “exactly how long do you think we’ll be together?”
I should have taken it as a sign. I didn’t. I answered something like “well, I’m guessing at least till March. When summer happens, I guess we’ll see then, right?” Well, I was wrong. We didn’t even make it till Thanksgiving. And this weekend is Dinah, and I more than free to fuck anyone who will fuck me.
Now, a couple weeks ago, I felt that I was finally 100% completely over J, that I didn’t think about him anymore, that I didn’t want to go visit him (until I do the ally presentation at his school in the end of April). I was fairly done.
Then I read his livejournal, by accident. Really, actually. See, he is on my friend list, but rarely posts, so I didn’t think about taking him off my list. And he posted something that really upset me, that really hurt me. It wasn’t about me, it was about him, and how he regrets 99% of the people he slept with. When I commented about something else in the post, he wrote back “it wasn’t about you,” but honestly, how I am supposed to believe that? I got over it, thanks to friends and a chat with Miss Avarice
Fine. Ok.
Then it was spring break. We had talked (post break up) about hanging out, driving to DC for a few days. Then my grandmother got sick, and we talked about hanging out for a night or two. We tried to arrange things, but he was worried about the cost of gas to come see me (he lives 90 minutes away), and so it wasn’t going to happen (and you’d be proud of me; I didn’t give a lecture about how much it costs to live once you get out of college… except for when he asked me to take time off work to drive up to meet him, and then I mentioned something about paying the rent). Fine. Ok.
Then I got the call that my grandmother died. It was 9am EST, and I had no one to call. Everyone I knew was sleeping, at work, or in CO where it was 7am. So I called J bawling. He said a few requisite things, and then wanted to know if I could hang out Thursday when he was already going to be in the city. I was still reeling from her death and I hung up, telling him, I’d call him back.
Later that night, we talked. He was coming to the city the next day, but had everything scheduled already, and was hanging out with his friends, and if I could make my schedule fit his, we could do coffee….with one or more of his friends.
That hurt. It’s ok if we didn’t get to hang out over spring break, but when you’re the only one I can talk to when my grandmother’s dies, and you’ve said you’ll always be there for me, and then you can’t even swing by my house on the way to getting a fake ID to see if I’m hanging in there, if I’m doing ok. And then, after the accident, he didn’t comment on my LJ/myspace/blog/facebook, or text me, or call me, to see if I was ok. I wouldn’t mind so much if there hadn’t been the “we’re friends, I’ll always care for you, blah blah blah” attitude. So fine.
Then since Friday, it’s been phone tag. We are trying to figure out my ally program, and checking in on each others lives (I had a scary dream the other night with J in it that really upset me, so I texted him when I woke up to make sure he was ok), and he’s always busy. Which is fine; I tell him to call me when he gets a chance. And he’ll text me and be like “I’m going to call in a few” and then 2 hours later, nada. Fine, ok.
So I went to his myspace (where I haven’t been to since I commented in Feb?) to comment and ask him when we were going to chat. He has apparently deleted each and every single one of my comments (he doesn’t get many, so when the comments on his page go back to May 2007, before I met him, and I’m not ANY of them, including “Happy Birthday” then well, yeah).
I don’t get it. If he regrets me, and wants to cut me out of his life, then why the “oh, I’m going to call you.” Just either stop talking to me or just tell me to bugger off. I hate it when people pretend they want to be friends when they don’t, because if you say you want to be friends, then fine, I will put forth effort into my dying breath. But I’m sick of wasting my time, and having him play with my emotions.
I mean yes, most of this is stupid and childish of me. Myspace and livejournal and dumb stuff like that. But it’s not me cyber stalking him; it’s me trying to be a friend back by keeping up with his life as I try to get him on the phone.
So I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to accost him over it, as I have to stay in his dormitory when I’m NY in the end of April. But I am over this relationship, and am trying to figure out whether to get over this friendship as well. I don’t know.
And that’s all I got.”
Then he called me at 11 last night to figure out logistics for the ally program (apparently, I was expected to drive home Sunday evening in the dark from NY. I said something slightly passive aggressive like “look, we’ll get to the 27th, I’ll do my program and go home, and then you don’t have to deal with me anymore, ok?” Which of course pissed him off. He wanted to talk about it, I wanted to wait until after the program. This program, if it doesn’t happen, will keep me from graduating, which will keep me from moving home. So I figured, let’s deal with the drama AFTER it, instead of now. Apparently, that would have been “fake.”
We wound up talking for 2.5 hours. He yelled, I cried. A lot. Half a tissue box worth. He told me that I made everything about me (and I fully admitted that my last 2 weeks of hell, I have made everything about me, but not always. Not when I called to see if he got the internship and stipend for the summer, or asked about his mother and her job issues.) I try to support him, but always feel shut down. He got angry again, I cried more. Finally, we got to the point where we could both see where the other might have had some thoughts, but that we were both on different pages.
Here’s my deal; I don’t expect or want anything, from any of my friends. However, if someone SAYS they will do something (meet me for dinner, call me, meet me at the airport, etc), I expect them to do so. I will rearrange my schedule for friends, stay up late waiting for the phone call, try to get them help if they ask me to work on that, whatever it is. But then, when they don’t show up for dinner, don’t call, forget to pick me up, I get hurt and confused. I’m not sure if that’s their way of telling me to “bugger off” or if they just forgot, or… I don’t know. Arranging to hang out with me, and then canceling is a mixed signal, in my mind, especially when it is happening repeatedly…this goes for all of my friends. Now, if someone says “I’m busy, I’ll try to call you some time in the next month or two,” I am 100% ok with that. I have no expectations. If and when they do call, I get excited; it’s like a treat! I have lots of friends I talk to sporadically. I call them occasionally and leave a message, and they get back to me when they get a chance. That’s fine.
But for all of those things to happen, after having been told that I’m the reason he’s asexual, that he wanted out of the relationship 1-2 months before we broke up, that we really had nothing in common, but then being told he wants to stay friends, and I’ll call you, and let’s hang out, and dot dot dot. And then not getting the calls, him always being busy, not getting to hang out, not rearranging 30 minutes from his day to see me, to see if I was doing ok after my grandmother died, to not see how I was (even via text!) after the accident…well, THAT’S why I had/have those thoughts. I don’t want to be in someone’s life if they don’t want me there. I don’t like to hurt people, I don’t like to have people angry at me, I just don’t. So then I hide.
We hung up amicably. He said he’d call me before the 27th. My self-preservation kicked in. “It’s ok if you don’t. Don’t say you will. Just call me if you have a chance, and if not, I’ll call you on the 26th and let you know what time to expect me.”
Because then I have no expectations. And I’m less likely to get hurt.
I’m weird, I guess. But that’s me. Take it or leave it.
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All I can say is, “don’t keep hope alive.”
I learned a while back that hoping someone will change, come back to you, or that you could still be friends after a romantic relationship, only prolongs your healing.
It will always seems that when you feel you are ok with where you are at with them…. WHAM – you are right back where you started, because of a comment, phone call or encounter.
Some relationships do allow people to remain friends, but usually there was no hurting going on in those situations.
My advice, and it might sound harsh. Move on, cut ties and DON’T Take his phone calls.
When the time comes that you are fully healed, and the situation arises where there is a phone call from him, or a random encounter, you will be able to deal with it clearly.
Some people are better friends than others. That is life. Take your friends for what they are and expect nothing more. I bend over backwards for my friends, and I only have about a handful that would return the same commitment. But I still love them all the same.
You are not weird. You are unique, or one of my favorite terms – eccentric.
((hugs))
I do the same thing… (I wonder if it’s a Logan attribute? heh.) When I make a friend, I expect to stay friends with them, barring something drastic. Even if it’s someone I haven’t talked to in years and reconnect with (and, oh, say I have a lot in common with now! (:) I still consider them my friend and expect them to do the same. Sometimes I think it’s a flaw, because it definitely does make one more vulnerable, as you mentioned.
But really, the other option doesn’t sound appealing in the least. I could use some terrible cliche here about how it’s better to have loved and lost, but I know that won’t help. The hurting part sucks, and I think you’re right to take a sense of caution from the experience. But don’t let it jade you too much. Be upset, you certainly have a right to be, but in the end, I promise your way of doing things is better than his. You’ll mean more to people and be that much more likely to be surrounded by people who mean as much to you.
And on a somewhat unrelated note, I know we keep missing connections, but I would really love to meet up sometime and go for coffee/cocktails/reminiscing/sexuality talk.
lurve.
I have a question, and it might sound flippant, but I assure you it’s not (damn this digital medium sometimes…)
But okay, here goes.
Why do you feel you deserve the shoddy treatment he gives you?
I don’t think it a question of “shoddy treatment.” J isn’t a bad guy, not at all. We’re just really different people (even more so than I could have imagined), with very different personalities, lifestyles and ways of approaching things.
And I don’t feel I deserve it (or don’t deserve it ). To me, that’s not part of the question. What I was questioning was does he really want to be friends, or is he trying to tell me to get out of his life? I wasn’t sure, but I’m a friend till the end (until someone tells me they don’t want me in their life), and ergo, I will do whatever it takes.
You also have to remember I loved him. I still care about him as a person. I deal with this drama (intentional or not) because given my druthers, I’d prefer to not have him completely voided from my life.
-EE
I don’t think it a question of “shoddy treatment.” J isn’t a bad guy, not at all. We’re just really different people (even more so than I could have imagined), with very different personalities, lifestyles and ways of approaching things.
And I don’t feel I deserve it (or don’t deserve it ). To me, that’s not part of the question. What I was questioning was does he really want to be friends, or is he trying to tell me to get out of his life? I wasn’t sure, but I’m a friend till the end (until someone tells me they don’t want me in their life), and ergo, I will do whatever it takes.
You also have to remember I loved him. I still care about him as a person. I deal with this drama (intentional or not) because given my druthers, I’d prefer to not have him completely voided from my life.
-EE
I don’t think J is a bad guy, either. And I don’t doubt that you love him. But even different people in different places can show basic human kindness to one another, no?
It just seems to me, and maybe this is just how I’m reading it, but your post about him feels… I don’t know, painful (and not in that good way. ;)) Like you want something from him that he can’t give, so it kind of leaves me wondering why you don’t look for it from someone who wants to give it to you, and joyfully at that.
Because from what I’ve read of you over time, you are a smart, beautiful, open and passionate person… and it just strikes me that you should be keeping company with like-minded creatures.
It’s kind of a crappy back up plan and would add a lot of travel time, but if you want to take public transportation to NYC and then to Purchase and back, you’re welcome to crash with me in the city if J won’t let you stay there. Just a thought.