Coming Out to the Family
So when I was 17, we had this conversation:
Me: I just wanted to let you know that I’m bisexual.
Mother: Oh really?
Me: Yes.
Mother: *pause* Ok, so where did we all want to go for dinner?
Last night, we had this conversation:
Me: So, before I move back to CO, and am around more often, I just wanted to make it clear and known to you two that I identify as queer.
Mother: *pause* Ok.
Sister: *says nothing*
Me: I even have the queer magnetic poetry, that make me legit, right?
Mother: I wonder where our bill is. It certainly is windy.
Tonight, we had this conversation:
Sister: What is BDSM?
Me: Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadomasochism.
Sister: Oh.
Me: But it doesn’t have to be hardcore; it can be just ties and/or a blindfold for starters.
Sister: Huh?
Me: I mean, it doesn’t have to be wrist restraints and floggers.
Sister: *chokes on her iced tea* Oh god, never do that again!
Me: What?
Mother: That is quite the visual image. Floggers are quite hardcore.
Me: There are nice floggers too! I have one made of leather and muppet fur…it matches my shoes!
Mother: *big eyes*
Sister: And that’s what I call TMI.
We also had this conversation before I went swimming:
Sister: Your back looks like you got run over; it has tire track like bruises on it. *leaves room*
Mother: What happened to your back…or do I even want to know?
Me: *takes deep breath* Oh, that was from a play piercing class/thing I was at.
Mother: Huh?
Me: You know, like surface piercings?
Mother: Are the marks permanent?
Me: No.
Mother: Put on more sunblock.
It’s so interesting. There is no positive OR negative reaction. Just like when I mentioned I didn’t really like finding someone and settling down at the moment, my sister said “I don’t think you’ll ever find someone or settle down.” My family isn’t anti-LGBTQ, but it’s not like I feel any support for it either. It just *is.* We never talk about it, never discuss it…the closest we got was when J was in Cosmo, an I sent my mother a copy, and she mentioned that he’d have a hard time in the world living with male pronouns, since he had a “feminine face.”
That was as much of a discussion about my identities/orientation, etc that we’ve EVER had. And it wasn’t about me, it was about my partner at the time.
While I don’t need a coming out party or anything, it would just feel nice to feel…well, validated? Like they don’t think it’s a phase, or something I’m going through, like they appreciate that it IS harder for me in some ways, that I’m not society’s default.
I don’t know. Maybe I should just feel lucky. Who knows?
-Essin’ Em
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I’m very impressed that you were so straight forward with them, you should be proud of that.
I have been with my girlfriend for two years and am still not allowed to breathe her name near my family. They are in complete denial.
They don’t freak when you talk about your girlfriend/boyfriend/plaything/other, yes?
When your sexuality comes up in conversation it’s not an argument is it?
It doesn’t seem, based on what you’ve written, to be treated any differently than when sexuality is brought up in a hetero/vanilla way.
In short, you’ve got the ‘holy grail’. Your sexuality is treated just like everyone elses.
The ‘validation’ that you want is not a good thing. That comes from a series of reactions–
Shock, dismay
Resignation
Discussion
Tolerance
and finally, a somewhat bemused acceptance–but one that leaves you that little thrill of ‘otherness’.
That thrill of otherness is why so many GLBQT people become creatures defined solely by their sexuality–instead of whole persons defined by who they are rather than what they screw.
You’ve got the good thing, revel in it.
My family has an idea of what we do, of how we are, but I, too, am regarded as just me. My sexuality is not a topic of oddness, it’s just part of the already strange package that is me.
Green –
I think I can only be so open with them because they don’t really care, and I don’t really care about how they feel.
Anon –
You do have some valid points. However, please don’t tell me that The ‘validation’ that you want is not a good thing.
First of all, it’s what I want, and what I need, so while it may not be a good thing for you, that doesn’t mean that it isn’t good to me.
I agree that people should not be judged/identified solely by their orientation (unless that is what they want). However, my family’s “acceptance” doesn’t come from a good place. When I was dating J, it WASN’T the same as when my sister has a boyfriend. No, they didn’t freak out…they just never asked about him, never wanted to meet him, just didn’t really care. My sister goes on two dates with guy, and suddenly, they’re together, and my family discusses different aspects. I’m having partner issues, or crushing on someone, and my feelings/problems/etc get shoved under the rug. It’s as though they are just waiting for me to decide that actually, I am straight.
So no, I don’t have “the good thing,” at least not for me. It isn’t ok for me to feel as though no one believes me. I still don’t feel as though I can point out someone non-masculine presenting and say “oh, I think they’re hot” like my sister does with men. I don’t feel I can ask to bring my partners home. I don’t feel any of these things. So it ISN’T a good thing, and I think I know myself and my situation slightly better than you do.
Sorry to have such a strong reaction, but I don’t appreciate being told want I want/need. While this may be the “holy grail” for you, it isn’t what I’m looking for. Not talking about it/acknowledging it isn’t the same as accepting/being ok with it.
-Essin’ Em
Green –
I think I can only be so open with them because they don’t really care, and I don’t really care about how they feel.
Anon –
You do have some valid points. However, please don’t tell me that The ‘validation’ that you want is not a good thing.
First of all, it’s what I want, and what I need, so while it may not be a good thing for you, that doesn’t mean that it isn’t good to me.
I agree that people should not be judged/identified solely by their orientation (unless that is what they want). However, my family’s “acceptance” doesn’t come from a good place. When I was dating J, it WASN’T the same as when my sister has a boyfriend. No, they didn’t freak out…they just never asked about him, never wanted to meet him, just didn’t really care. My sister goes on two dates with guy, and suddenly, they’re together, and my family discusses different aspects. I’m having partner issues, or crushing on someone, and my feelings/problems/etc get shoved under the rug. It’s as though they are just waiting for me to decide that actually, I am straight.
So no, I don’t have “the good thing,” at least not for me. It isn’t ok for me to feel as though no one believes me. I still don’t feel as though I can point out someone non-masculine presenting and say “oh, I think they’re hot” like my sister does with men. I don’t feel I can ask to bring my partners home. I don’t feel any of these things. So it ISN’T a good thing, and I think I know myself and my situation slightly better than you do.
Sorry to have such a strong reaction, but I don’t appreciate being told want I want/need. While this may be the “holy grail” for you, it isn’t what I’m looking for. Not talking about it/acknowledging it isn’t the same as accepting/being ok with it.
-Essin’ Em
you’re adorable. especially the bit about the flogger ;) i certainly can’t imagine discussing that aspect of sexuality with my family.
maybe you should feel lucky, but you shouldn’t just feel lucky. ’cause, as the other commenters pointed out, you are lucky in some respects (i.e. not having a negative reaction), but that’s no reason you shouldn’t want more (a better, more positive reaction).
LBA –
I <3 you. You make me feel totally validated.
I need to come down south sometime…
LBA –
I <3 you. You make me feel totally validated.
I need to come down south sometime…
I can’t PM you on Twitter; hopefully you’ll see this–
Need an editor for whatever the 2700 word thing is? I just wrote two entries for the Oxford Encyclopedia of African American History 1896-Present (Oxford University Press, hopefully 2008), and both were way over my word limits, so I’m pretty good at being wordy. Also my parents both write and edit things, and my earliest memories are:
Being in the library getting paid 5 cents per page copied that I didn’t whine about
and
Watching my mom literally cut and paste manuscripts.
Anyway, I wouldn’t normally offer my lowly undergrad services, but Oxford wouldn’t have accepted my pieces if they weren’t good (Oxford! The real one! I’m still totally freaking out about how cool this is!), so I’m feelin’ pretty confident about my writing skillz today. Also, I can’t sleep. Gmail (abby.xxxxxxxxx) or Twitter (clapifyoulikeme) me if you’re interested…
That is just very awesome. LOVE the ink….
happyHNT
I am almost the same way with my family and friends, not as honest as you, but close.
HHNT!
Feel lucky. My mother threatens tears when I even mention the idea of having a significant other (which I have totally avoided, since acquiring one such other!)
Ah, I see.
Ignored is not accepted–even when it puts on that face.
My mistake. I got a very different impression from the post.
In a way, it kinda means that they’re stuck at that ‘shock, dismay’ point. You don’t get a negative or positive reaction , just a kind of skimming over of the issue.
We were about to make a comment similar to the anonymous poster until we read your response to him. If we are reading you correctly, it’s not your family’s non-reaction per se that bothers you, but the fact that they react so differently to your sister regarding dating and sex. It’s very understandable why that would disturb you. We hope your family comes around so that someday you can bring a partner home for dinner.