Sexuality Happens

It has come to my attention that some people question the language I use in some of my writing.

I’d like to explain myself.

First of all, this blog is NOT meant to be offensive. It’s NOT meant to piss people off. It is for me to write about, ponder, describe, embrace, think on, share, rant over, etc SEXUALITY. Which is a complicated thing. And sexuality is fraught with triggers. While this blog is NOT meant to be offensive or piss people off, it will do so (remember the censorship incident? I put it aside and got over it. Apparently, it’s his new party trick to tell his side of the story. And part of his story is that I tried to convince him to have vaginal-penile intercourse with…while my friends slept in the other room, on the pull out couch, when I’ve only done that with one person before. Riiiight. But I digress.) Basically, some people will get upset.

However, some of the upsetness is unwarranted, in my opinion. Why? Because I have a method behind (some of) my madness.

I am a validater. It’s not my fault, it’s part of this “open-minded, accept people, meet everyone where they’re at” philosophy of mine (and of some others in the program I’m in). What does that boil down to?

I use the language people I’m talking to/about use. If someone says “I’m a transman and _____,” I will then refer to him as a transman. If someone says “I’m a lady and ____,” regardless of how they present or act, I will refer to them as a lady. Same goes for orientations. If she calls herself a dyke, she’s a dyke. If she says she’s bi, she’s bi. If he says he’s straight, but likes to fuck other guys up the ass, I WILL CALL HIM STRAIGHT because it is NOT my place to define/change other peoples’ identities.

This is the same with words for body parts. As I’ve mentioned quite often, I LOVE the word cunt in reference to female-body genitalia. I have embraced this word, I use it, I love it, I revel in it. CUNT CUNT CUNT. However, my co-worker does NOT like this word. It bothers her. I respect that. So while it is MY term for MY parts, and what I use to refer to it in general, when we are discuss it, I say vagina/vulva.

When I’m with a partner, I ask them what terms they prefer for parts. Breasts/tits/chest/top/_____? Cunt/cock/trannycock/dick/pussy/vagina/vulva/special place/front/front hole/____? I will not say vajayjay, because it’s one of those terms that just creeps me out, but I will do my best to try and use THEIR terminology. Why?

BECAUSE I VALIDATE THEM.

You say you identify as a queer fagette gender queer trannyboi butch leather dyke stone kinky top? GREAT! I totally validate that. You identify as a femme lesbian domme? Fabulous! I validate your identity! What? You identify as still trying to find your identity? Good for you! I am validating right and left.

To me, it is only right to use the terms that one prefers. Just like it is impolite to continue to call someone a she when HE has told you he prefers male pronouns (and vice versa), it is equally impolite to tell someone they are NOT what they identify as (or to do it behind their back!). Who the hell am I to tell someone that they aren’t queer? That they aren’t “really” bi? That they’re not lesbian ENOUGH? I can’t do that.

So when I use a term like fag/gay/transman/transguy/tranny/butch/femme/boi/genderqueer/genderfucker/etc, it is because the person I am referring to USED THAT TERM TO IDENTIFY. Some of these terms may be offensive to people; I know that I personally have underlying issues with the words “fag” and “tranny.” Given the opportunity on my own, I’d never use them. But other people have reclaimed them, and I can’t take those words back from them. That is who they are, how they identify. Just like I get frustrated when people tell me I’m not really pansexual, or introduce me as bi, I assume other people would get upset if I just pinned an identity or word on them.

Sometimes, it’s an identity I’ve never heard of. Jesus and mary and such; I google the hell out of “dapper dandy” when Sinclair posted about it. I had no clue, but apparently it’s an identity that people use, so I looked it up. I educated myself, so I will have some idea when I run into a dapper dandy.

Plus, it never hurts to ask. I try my best to remember to ask pronoun preference when I meet new people (but I’m not perfect, I’m not going to lie. Sometimes I forget). If someone tells me their identity, I usually ask what it means to them; not all Butches have the same definition/identity of Butch, just like straight people aren’t all peas in a pod.

So yes, I sometimes say things that offend people. Or piss people off. It’s bound to happen. However, I want to make it clear that the language I use is not ever meant offensively; it is meant to validate other people and their identities.

If you say tomato, I say tomato; I’m not going to say cucumber. If you say trannyboifag, I say trannyboifag, and will validate you with my last breath.

This kinky, curvy, cunt-loving, feminist, queer, pansexual Femme bottom is signing off,

Essin’ Em