Sexuality Happens

I was at a party the other night, and as it got into full swing, we wound up playing “King’s Cup,” which is a drinking game (nevermind that I was drinking cranberry juices)

One of the cards meant that you had to say an “I never” and then anyone that had done it had to drink. This fell on my not once, not twice, but three times. Now, I’m sure I could have said something like “I’ve never owned a dog,” but the point of the game is to deal in naughtiness and doing things that are unconventional, so “I nevers” are usually about sex, drugs, drinking, etc. Someone had already done the “I’ve never done any hard drugs,” which is my fall to, and so I had to think.

I’ve done a lot of things sexually (although I didn’t realize until later in hind site that I was sitting in a room with lots of lesbians, and I was too tired to use “I’ve never been on either end of strap-on sex.” Good job me.), and while I could have said something like “I’ve never been hung in full suspension,” the likelihood of anyone else there having done that was beyond slim to none. So I sat, and thought, and gave up, and said “I’ve never performed a rusty trombone.”

Not only had no one there done it, but they didn’t even know what it was (for your readers who don’t; performing analingus and reaching around and giving them a hand job at the same time, like playing a trombone…). Fine. Oh well.

Then it came to me again. This time, I’d been thinking about it. Ok, group full of women (two men), fisting was a likelihood, right? “I’ve never been fisted.” Dead silence. Thank god one woman said “I’m more into putting my hand into people,” so I didn’t feel like a complete and utter pervert (as compared to your average, run of the mill pervert, which I am). More silence, and then the game moved on.

The third time I got that card, I was at a loss. I asked for help; “what haven’t I don’t that at least some of you have?”

One woman, someone who has a Master’s from my program, and is working on her doctorate said “say something about fellatio.”

I looked at her blankly. “What?”

She was drunk. Yes. But I don’t believe in intoxication as an excuse. “Say something I never about fellatio.”

I was floored.

Firstly, she knew I’d been with bio cocks before, and that I had given blow jobs; we’d talked about it. In fact, I believe I mentioned at some point that I was surprised to have been told (multiple times) that it was the best blow job they’d ever gotten. So I wasn’t sure exactly what I was supposed to say about “fellatio.” I’d done it on bio and on silicone cocks, I didn’t regret it on bio or silicone cocks, and I enjoyed doing it, I’d swallowed, I’d used a condom, I’d been forced, I’d done them by choice. What was I supposed to say?

Secondly, even if I had always (as long as I knew her) identified as a hardcore dyke (gold star lesbian even), why would anyone, particularly someone in a Human Sexuality Education program make assumptions about someone’s behaviors. We talk ALL THE TIME about OBI; orientation, behavior and identity. That your orientation might be attraction towards men, your behavior might be equal male and female partners, and your identity might be a staunch lesbian. That’s why you always ask. never assume. And here she was, assuming that I had an “I never” about fellatio.

I made up another, and we kept going around. I didn’t feel like starting a scene; I was leaving in 10 days.

Then it got worse. The guy next to me (who was in a relationship with another woman at the party) got the “I never” card. He stopped to think for a second, and couldn’t come up with anything. From the same woman, I heard “Say ‘I’ve never sucked cock.’”

Oh god. Was I going to have to pull her aside and give her a conversation about assumptions and cultural competency? What if this guy had sucked cock? Or another guy at the party had, and now felt judged, because he happened to be there with a female? All these thoughts were tearing through my head, and then without missing a beat, he said “Oh, but I have.” I could have kissed him.

Now, I don’t know if he actually had, or if he was just saying it to point out the incredible stupidity of that statement. It doesn’t matter. He said it. And I love him for it.

So let this be a lesson, to all of us, that we should not make assumptions about people’s orientations, behaviors, identities, etc. If someone tells you “I have never sucked cock,” fine, you can then make the assumption that they haven’t (it’s still an assumption, because you never know if they actually have). If someone tells you “I am a lesbian,” then yes, they are a lesbian, but you don’t know what their behavior is or has been. Stop making assumptions and start making conversation; you’ll get a lot more out of it!