Sexuality Happens

It wasn’t until the other day that I really stopped to think about how much music creates a visceral reaction for some people…namely, me.

I was eating delicious thai food the other night, and a Snow Patrol song came on over the loud speakers. I froze, listened for a second, and months of teary nights in Germany washed over me. K asked what I meant when I said music and memories, and so I told him the short version of what had happened (again, something I don’t tell people, and of course I got all watery eyed, but welcome to our interactions. I’ve decided to just accept it as it is).

I had this best friend, starting in 7th grade. We’ll name him, um…Julius. Anyways, he was a good friend of mine, especially in 8th grade and onwards. I was terrified of heights, but had to walk up a steep escape stair in heels during a show, and he (at 6’5″ or something) would always be there, every show, to hold my hand the whole way up. We went to different high schools, but talked on the phone hours each week. He was my soph. and jr. year homecoming date. After homecoming sophomore year, he told me he loved it. I was 13, so it was a bit much to take, but we stayed best friends. We got to that point where it was clear we really liked each other, but one of the other of us was always dating someone else…finally, we were both single, and wound up making out one day. And then went back to being normal best friends. At my high school graduation party, he gave me a card that said “I love you” in Russian and Spanish. God forbid he choose a language that I speak (I have three).

We lost some contact throughout my time in college, but he came to see my first show my first year, and I took him out for his graduation from high school (two years older than me, one behind in school). We really lost touch by the end of my sophomore year, but 2 weeks before I left for Germany, we got back together for coffee, a trip to the local sex store (it’s how I weed people out), to a friend’s place for sake and samurai movies, and back to his place, where we hooked up. Now, we didn’t have intercourse, for a smattering of reasons, but what we did do was fun, and he seemed to enjoy it. When I left, he kissed me goodbye and said he’d call.

A few days later, I got a call on my cell from his. I picked it up.
Him: “Sara?”
Me: “No silly, it’s _____.”
Him: “Oh, I dialed the wrong number.”
Me: “Oh, ok. Just don’t forget, I’m leaving in 10 days!”

I never heard from him again. I called him twice before I left; never heard back. Sent him a postcard from Germany. Never heard back. I don’t know what I did, but I listened to some Snow Patrol and Mirah while I was in Luneburg, a lot, since I only had the few mix CDs I brought with me, and certain songs really reminded me of all of our time together….

“If we sleep together, would it make it any better?
If we sleep together, would you be my friend forever?”
-La Famila, Mirah

“You’ve been the only thing that’s been right in all that I’ve done.
And I can barely look at you. But every single time I do, I know that you’ll make it anywhere from here.”
-Run, Snow Patrol

“If I lay here, if I just lay here,
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world?”
-Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol

When I came home, I tried calling him again. Left a message, no answer. I added him on facebook; he blocked me (I know, because one of my friends friended him, so it’s not like he doesn’t have it).

Summer 06, I called one last time, from my mother’s phone. He picked up…I know it was him, he has a distinctive voice.

Him: “Hello?”
Me: “Hi, it’s ______. Is Julius there?”
Him: *long pause* Um, I don’t know anyone by the name of Julius. You must have the wrong number.”
Me: “Julius, it’s me, what the hell happened?”
Him: *pause* Sorry, I don’t know any Julius.
Me: “Oh, ok. Well, if you happen to talk to Julius, please tell him I’m leaving Colorado to move to Philly, and I don’t know if or when I’ll be back. Tell him I’m sorry, and don’t know what I did, but wish I could fix things.”
Him: “Ok, I’ll tell him.” *click*

Yeah. Finally, last fall, I found him on facebook. I didn’t add him; I was way past that. I just sent him a message, apologizing for whatever it was that I did, letting him know that I had been hurting since this happened, but told him that I had no hard feelings over anything we’d done, ever, and that I wished him nothing but the best of luck with whatever he decided to do in his life.

He read it – I saw that. I was sneaky; I changed my name and picture to something more vague so that he’d actually read it and not delete it because it was from me. Once he read it, I changed it back of course. He never wrote back; I didn’t expect him to.

And that was the end of that. I hadn’t thought about him in months…but then Snow Patrol came on, and suddenly, all I could remember was crying myself to sleep in my bed in Germany, wondering why the person I cared for the most was suddenly ignoring me. Music holds strong memories.

I had a lot of songs like that with J. “Our” song was “Parentheses”, by the Blow. You know;

“When you’re holding me, we make a pair of parentheses.”

We played it a lot, and did cute drawings of parentheses on things, and blah blah blah. That song still makes me think of him all the time.

Ditto with the song “Harder Better Faster Stronger” by Daft Punk, because we spent a lot of time looking at the Daft Hands video, and then of course, Kanye West sampled it, and so I thought of him whenever that song came on.

There are a few other songs that still make me think of them whenever I hear them, but nothing like those two.

And then there are the ones I’ve reclaimed. Such as Satisfaction. I really enjoy dancing around my house naked to this song, and sometimes even hammering to it, so there is no way that I would let it always remind me of anything…except for dancing naked of course.

Of course, there are good memories from music too! There is Cum on Feel the Noize by Quiet Riot, which was pretty much my anthem of Dinah Shore 2007. I would dance around my hotel room and balcony to it in order to get pumped up for going out. And we all know how well that worked :)

From high school, there was Barbie Girl (ignore the weird subtitles), by Aqua. We’d cruise around with the windows down, making obscene gestures to passing cars…along with the words in the song of course.

Songs like Closer by Nine Inch Nails, Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen, Strict Machine by Goldfrapp, Pour Some Sugar on Me and Evil by Ladytron all make me think about/want to have sex, for a variety of reasons and memories. I hear them, and am suddenly incredibly horny (more so than usual).

Aerosmith’s Dream On reminds me of my dad too, just from a short exchange we had one. I’d asked him to find out the name of the song for me, and one day (weeks later), he’d said “The answer is Dream On.” I asked him if the question was “can I have a brand new car when I turn 16?”a and of course, everyone laughed, and it became quite the inside joke. He died a few months later, but that song still makes me think of it.

And there are some songs that will never ever leave me. My father used to skate in the Father-Daughter number in ice shows with me, and while it was always a medley of songs, the one that they ALWAYS included was Bette Midler’s Wind Beneath My Wings. I can’t hear it now without tearing up…but it’s as much because I miss him, as because those are some of the fondest memories I have of him. They played that song at my middle school graduation, about 2 months after he died…and while the graduation itself wasn’t teary at all for me, I was just bawling.

So while we may have muscle memory and cognitive memory, I feel that we also have musical memory. How many of you remember the song that was “your song” with your first partner (Whenever, Wherever by Shakira, because we thought it was funny the line about breasts being small and humble, because mine were huge)? How about what as playing at your high school graduation (Freebird by Lynard Skynard, which I had never ever heard before, and was totally butchered by the ‘senior band’)? The band you always wanted to see in concert and never got to Big Bad Voodoo Daddy)? Your favorite lullaby as a child (Ofyn Pripechik)?

And the memories just keep coming.

I hope someone finds a new song they like from all these video links. I’ve certainly found some interesting videos…

-Essin’ Em