Once a sub…always a sub.
My senior year of college, the “alternative newspaper” did an article on “BDSM and Feminism.” I was interviewed for it, with my real name, and they published some pictures of me in a corset with clothespins, nothing risque. However, they did let a professor be quoted, anonymously, as saying “all women who are sexually submissive were sexually assaulted.”
Yeah, I know, Whisky, Tango, Foxtrot?
And yes, I’ve been sexually assaulted. As was the other girl interviewed for the article. However, she was quick to point out that this experience made it much easier for her to identify there difference between abuse and kink. Smart girl, dumb teacher.
Now, I KNOW she’s wrong (I know who the teacher was; she was my professor at the time, and refused to teach BDSM in her human sexual behavior class because it was perverted). I know many sexually submissive women who have never been sexually assaulted.
And I know many women, myself included, who were submissive waaaay before they were sexually assaulted. And some who became submissive after their assa
ult, but don’t think one has anything to do with the other. Let’s hear it for blanket statements.
I’m not sure how old I was, but I have this memory of a dream. It happened some time between 9 and 12, repeatedly. It was part dream, and part fantasy.
There was a Middle Eastern Princess who had a harem of women to serve her (I am so queer…why it took me so long to figure this out, I’m unsure). She had many many women (girls too I suppose) in this harem. At one point, she would go out for the night, and would tell us to curl up on the ends of our beds, and not move until she came back…then she’d leave. Of course, when she left, everyone else would get up and move around, but I wouldn’t move a muscle (I think some nights I actually curled up into a ball on the foot of my twin bed; it was a very visceral dream/fantasy for me!). Then she’d come back, and it would turn out that she had some sort of spy, and she saw that everyone had been bad, except for me. This meant that I got to sleep at the foot of her bed, and with her for the rest of the week…and that the other harem women/girls who had disobeyed her got punished (sometimes flogged, some times bound with chains, etc.).
So yeah, I hadn’t even hit puberty yet…in fact, this was before I’d discovered masturbation. And I was having this incredibly submissive (and masochistic sometimes, I mean, the others were getting flogged…) dream/fantasy, on a fairly regular basis.
Once I discovered masturbating with the shower head, I also discovered the joys of delayed orgasm. And forced orgasm, from not moving after I came, and making myself stay still. I became my own dominant, making myself do things, like wait, or come again and again and again. Kinky? I think so.
And in college, I’d discovered ways to tie myself up while I masturbated…before I was sexually assaulted (to clarify; I *could* get out of them, but not quickly. K asked about this…I guess not a lot of people learn to restrain themselves? I mean, with enough time and effort, one can get out of most things…).
So yeah, I’d say the urge to be submissive has been in me for quite a long time.
Also, I remember being in high school (ie, pre-sexual assault), and talking with my (male) best friend about how there was bad pain, and good pain, and that pain could be taken in a sexual sense. I’m talking 15 or MAYBE 16 here folks. I’m pretty sure it’s been in me a lot longer than my experience of sexual assault.
So once a sub, always a sub. Doesn’t mean I can’t be a switch hitter (no pun intended) when it’s needed/wanted, but I’m pretty sure my being assaulted has absotively, posolutely NOTHING to do with it.
Do any of you have stories of being dominant/submissive/sadistic/masochistic from back in the day?
Essin’ Em
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Helly Em :)
I’m new to this site, but I saw your blog, and I have to say I love love LOVE (get it.. lots of love here) this post.
I, too, was sexually assaulted/raped/molested/all-the-above as a child, multiple times over the course of many many years… and I see where what you called the “Blanket statement” could be made that women who have been abused in such a fashion wouldn’t see being submissive as “Sexy”. And I definitely agree with you in saying, with confidence, that it is NOT true.
As a person who has been assaulted, I used to hate sex all together. For the longest time I hated Oral, for instance, because it was something I was always forced to do by this particular person. Now, however, I love it. Why? I don’t know. Same goes with being submissive. I used to have such a deep fear of it, but after time I have also come to love it as well, because it isn’t about being “dominated” in full by your partner. It’s more so about trusting your partner enough to let them take control of the situation. At least, that’s how I view it… But yes, I was abused, and yes, I LOVE being controlled… almost as much as I love TAKING control ;)
Thank you, again, for this post!
i was abused sexually as a child age 4-11, by multiple people.. i sometimes wondered if it was my meek/submissive nature that made me an easier target, for older abusive assholes-(which came first?) i also have huge trust issues, i mean huge,-(thanks for that post), also i loathe semen, and love your blog, your charm and chutzpah are inspirational
I started tying myself up to masturbate sometime in high school. I’ve had submissive fantasies for as long as I can remember. I wasn’t raped and sexually assaulted until much later, so I rather doubt those two things have anything to do with my submissive nature.
mmmm….been doing the switch thing for quirte some time, but I think my subbie side is definitely stronger. As to what your prof. had to say, what bullshit. My current wife was abused when she was a baby sitter, and I don’t know of anyone more Domme than her! Not a switch, just pure Domme.
Jerry
I was molested as a kid, probably around 7 or 8 and I distinctly remember having submissive fantasies before that time. I’ve never thought that my submissive (in bed, everyone who meets me thinks I’m a total domme) side was because of being molested, it’s just how I sexually express myself.
I remember having fantasies of non-consensual sex back when I first started masturbating…Which was when I was about five or six, ten years before my sexual assault. I wasn’t ever touched inappropriately before that, hadn’t gotten ahold of any books to plant the idea in my head, hadn’t watched anything on the tv…It just was there.
For obvious reasons I don’t talk about it often, since even among my most open-minded friends I’d probably get comments about how I’d probably repressed memories.
I have never been sexually assaulted. It’s a sad indictment on our world that I consider myself very lucky to have not been.
I have recognised my submissive tendencies since I was *thinks* twenty-three. And my love of pain! But I felt those tendencies a good deal earlier, just as I felt attraction to female-bodies persons. I just never realised that I could do anything about it before then.
I am really appreciating seeing others experiencies and points of view here. Thank you, Essin’Em, for making this possible :)
xx Dee
Most women in this world have been sexually assaulted in some way. That doesn’t mean we are all submissive. I had submissive tendencies way before I was sexually active with anyone other than myself. I do not believe that the majority of people would classify my “abuse” as true sexual assault either…BUT it still happened well after I got submissive sexual tendencies into my head.
Does this also mean that all dominant men have been abusers?
(found this in your ‘best of’ tab…hope you don’t mind more comments on it. :))
I’m a switch, and I can be very sexually submissive. I’ve never been sexually assaulted. I’ve never even had a close call. In fact, I think I can safely say that if anyone were to try to assault they would regret their decision for the rest of their (possibly short, possibly chronically painful) life.
There are some things you can generalize; this is not one of them. This professor is one that really doesn’t need to be teaching human sexuality from a psychological perspective.