A moment of panic
Three posts in one day. Crazy, I know. Get over it.
I was headed back from that birthday party shindig. Which wasn’t at all my scene. And involved cops, and having my id run, and just an over all weird situation (although much less chauvenistic). I stopped to get something to eat, and was sitting in the parking lot, eating it, and listening to music, when I just had this feeling.
What if no one ever loves me again? What if J was it?
I know I’m not known for my love of extremely involved, connected, super long term relationships. However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in and/or want a healthy, open, more than one or two night relationship.
Thinking back, since last October (the last time J and I had sex before we broke up in November), I haven’t had sex more than twice with the same person. Fuck, I haven’t even kissed the same person more than two nights. And C was the only one I had sex with twice…everyone else was once.
I don’t regret the sex I’ve had. Nope. That’s not the issue. And I don’t need some cookie cutter romance with flowers at the 6 month, and earrings after a year. I do, however, want some one who cares about me. Someone, when I’ve had a bad day, who I can come into their arms, and they’ll hear me out. Someone I can have sex with repeatedly, to get to know them, what they like, what they want. Someone whom I can trust to push my boundaries, but stay with in my limits (in all aspects). Someone with whom I can have deep conversations about everything we want to talk about, and then fuck without a second thought.
Maybe part of this stems from the cop issue tonight. I hate being in trouble of any sort, even if I had absolutely nothing to do with it. They took our IDs, and made us stand there, outside, for an hour. I was cold, I had to pee, my knees were killing me, and it was starting to rain. And I wanted to cry. People don’t get how much fear I have for being in trouble…hell, sometimes I don’t get it. But I felt scared and vunerable, and I had no one to comfort me, no one to text (other than my lawyer friend, and my friend in law school, asking how long they could detain us) to get support. Finally, I texted K. I didn’t have anyone else that might understand why I was so upset. He even called to check if I was ok, which is big for him. But that’s not his responsibility. I don’t need to be texting him whenever I am upset. Not that I would go to my partner every time I was upset…but you know what I mean, I hope.
I’ve had sex with a fair number of people (though far less than the average sex blogger, and if you go with the penis in vagina definition, just one). But only one loved me…and even then, J told me after we broke up that he hadn’t really loved me for the last month or so. And conversely, I’ve only ever loved one person. I worry sometimes that I’m unloveable.
I’m not looking for love per se, but someone who cares. Who listens, and responds, and wants to be with me for more than a night or two (even if we’re with other people as well). What if I never find that? Am I destined to be emotionally alone forever? What is it about me that helps me put myself in this position, over and over?
And you wondered what sex crazed perverted bloggers thought about in the wee hours of the morning!
-Essin’ Em
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*gentle hugs*, I don’t wonder at all. Been there, done that, have the torn t-shirt still….seems , at least for me, being loved seems to fall into my lap when I’m least looking for it…
Definitely what Jerry said. It is so hard to find when you are looking for it. But know that you certainly are *loveable*, that seems to be the crucial detail here.
I think after every time your heart is broken and/or you fall out of love and/or you don’t stop loving but do stop dating a person, etc… Anyway, after every one of those there’s this hole in you that feels like you won’t be loved again, like there’s this irreplaceable thing cast aside…it’s a lie, really.
There is no “one.” There is no “that was it.” Me being the date-for-love type of person I am, I’m pretty damn sure of that.
I think that really deep down, you loving yourself is more important, and a prerequisite to, you sustaining love with another person.
Blecch. I feel all soapboxy.
Anyway. I love ya. And I validate the police are scary/not my bag to deal with thing. I would’ve been uncomfortable, too. Hearts!
I’ve dealt with what you expressed here during every major event in my life… be it a break-up, a move (those things often go together), or just a time when I am alone or even feel alone while supposedly attached to someone…. These feelings seem to be par for the course for those people who didn’t grow up with unconditional love. For those that did I’ve been told they occur as well, just much less frequently. So it seems it’s just another thing most of us think from one time to another. If only that made it less scary and painful!
I read once somewhere (I wish I remembered!!) that for EVERY person all relationships fail but maybe one. And that makes so much sense to me, and made me feel like less of a failure. Of course every relationship you have will fail but maybe one, lol, and until you find that one relationship that does work and then keeps working (the hard part)… you get the idea.
That really changed my view and now I feel more that it doesn’t make you unloveable or undesirable or anything else, you just haven’t found a situation with a someone that works for you right now. I agree with Anne that there’s no ONE. I loved your list of what you want as well, I need to do another of those. I don’t think you’re the least bit outrageous in that list at all, and you seem amazingly loveable, unfortunately knowing what you want can make it harder to find. BUT it also means less time spent with those that don’t fit: at least you know what you want, and when you get you know you’ll be happy with it. :D
Thanks for all the responses. After I said, it was really just a moment of “well, fuck.”
To clarify, I don’t believe there is just “the ONE” either, nor am I looking for that. I just want someone who cares about me, listens to me, wraps their arms around me, etc. Is it really that hard to find?
I’ll get there eventually. I just have to be patient!
Thanks for all the responses. After I said, it was really just a moment of “well, fuck.”
To clarify, I don’t believe there is just “the ONE” either, nor am I looking for that. I just want someone who cares about me, listens to me, wraps their arms around me, etc. Is it really that hard to find?
I’ll get there eventually. I just have to be patient!