Holding Hands
This is another one of those posts that’s been in the works for a while. I am sorry to interrupt your regularly scheduled report from Thunder, but I was thinking about this lately.
I never used to be a big PDA person. A bit of an exhibitionist yes, but I saw no need to really kiss or make out in public. Meh, whatever.
And then there was Philly. Parts of Philly (West Philly and South Philly) are very open and queer friendly. And parts of Philly (North, Northeast, and many of the ‘burbs) are not. When J and I were together, I always felt nervous when we were out and about, and showed affection, because I was terrified of being harassed, of being targeted by homophobes and transphobes, for a humongous variety of reasons. To combat this fear (and to make people realize that “we’re here, we’re queer, and deal with it”), I began to get more into the PDA. We’d hold hands everywhere, I was all about the kissing, and arms around the waist…and if we wound up making out by the river or in an elevator, so be it. However, when people would give us looks, or say something, my heart would seize up in my chest. I was waiting for the day when someone would refuse us service, start a fight, or pull out a gun. Luckily it never happened, but that didn’t make me any less nervous.
Then I moved to Colorado. While it is not necessarily more liberal than Philly, it is certainly more of an open, “live and let live” environment. Sasha and I were out the other day, and were walking to my car from a rockabilly bar (the second to last stop of the evening). We decided to hold hands, because it felt nice, and because I’ve got skin hunger like nobody’s business. We walked past straight clubs, a gay male club, an “urban” (hip-hop centric) club, etc. No one bothered us, no one cat called, no one said anything, or looked at us funny, or did anything that made me uncomfortable. We just were. We were two people, who looked to be in a relationship (or just going home to fuck…neither of which was the case), holding hands, and walking down one of the busier streets in the city. Even Sasha commented on it, how nice it was to just be out, be comfortable, and not having to defend or explain our sexualities the entire time.
This was reiterated with L while we were mini-golfing (before the “here, let me break myself to lure you into the hospital” schtick). We held hands in line, while we were waiting at each hole, occasionally putting our arms around each others waists, leaning out heads on each others shoulders. When we first kissed (and a few subsequent ones), there were people around. We were obviously on a date, obviously queer, and obviously ok touching. And no one said a word, no on tsk tsked, in fact, the couple in front of us smiled, and the two guys behind us were kind enough to give me an extra ball, and then let us trade them, so we didn’t have two blue balls. Later on, once I had fucked my ankle up, and L was helping me hop to the exit, I had taken a break. I was sitting on the grass, L holding my hand…and the soccer mom came over to help us out. No “oh, so YOU’RE together?” drama, no lecture, not even an odd look. She just looked at the situation; a girl in pain, another helping her to the exit, and offered her help. Just like that.
I’m really beginning to appreciate it. While I am having to explain my queer identity (rather than lesbian) much more often, I feel less judged by the dyke community as a whole, and by the entire city. People are ok — I haven’t heard any hate language, I haven’t had guys make any lewd suggestions, it’s just been really chill.
I never realized what a big deal it would be for me to hold hands, with someone of the same sex, out in public, and not have that inner fear. It’s so freeing, and uplifting, and just really makes me happy. With male partners in HS and college, I always took it for granted, PDA…but once I started having non-bio guy partners, I realized how actually dangerous it can be for some people to show affection in public. But here (and I’m sure there may be areas where it’s not ok…but so far, so good), it just feels fine. I feel like people are just like ‘yeah, whatever, people holding hands’ instead of “oh, two women holding hands. they must be lesbians. I wonder if they’re sleeping together, and I wonder if they’d sleep with me.” or “fucking gay people, always rubbing it in our faces.” It’s just really nice.
So I plan to hold hands, a lot. With all my friends (and future partners), regardless of their sex or gender. Because it feels good, satisfies my skin hunger, and it doesn’t make me nervous or fearful.
In your city/area/community/neighborhood/campus, how is the climate in regards to this?
-Essin’ Em
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You really seem to have a serious dislike for Philadelphia, this is something that I do not entirely understand. Obviously not everyone has the same experience but it is not really that bad. I say this as a young, femme, dyke who is navigating her own way through the Philly gay community.
I’m really happy that you enjoy where you live. However, please don’t tell me “it is not really that bad.” It not be for you, but it was pretty hellish at times for me…where it cause anxiety, heartburn, nights of sobbing, feeling completely alone, etc.
So while I completely validate your experience in Philly, I ask that you don’t try to “convince” me that my experience was any different than I experienced it.
I’m sorry you don’t understand it. If you’d read my blog for the last two years, perhaps you’d understand a little bit better my dislike for the city of “brotherly love.”
-Essin’ Em
I’m really happy that you enjoy where you live. However, please don’t tell me “it is not really that bad.” It not be for you, but it was pretty hellish at times for me…where it cause anxiety, heartburn, nights of sobbing, feeling completely alone, etc.
So while I completely validate your experience in Philly, I ask that you don’t try to “convince” me that my experience was any different than I experienced it.
I’m sorry you don’t understand it. If you’d read my blog for the last two years, perhaps you’d understand a little bit better my dislike for the city of “brotherly love.”
-Essin’ Em
silly comment which is totally not the point of the post, but… which bar? I don’t know that I totally know what rockabilly means, so I’m trying to place the specific incident you’re referring to. (There are, of course, several occasions on which we’ve held hands.)
lovelovelove.
To be honest, one of the most astoundingly weird things about moving to America is how the whole ‘homosexuality is unnatural/sinful’ argument is actually taken seriously here. It boggles my mind! In the states, a large number of people (normally very, very stupid people) actually rant and rave about it as if it’s a legitimate belief and not just intolerant dumbness!
Considering America is the land of the free and the right to have a relationship (or marry) with anybody you like is technically instilled in our constitution, I find it REALLY weird and disturbing.
Loving vs. Virginia – the supreme court case which allowed interracial marriage – is documented proof of this. The judge’s ruling NEVER mentioned gender – just that the right to marry who you want regardless was inalienable, covered by ‘the pursuit of happiness’ in the Declaration of Independence.
So technically, America should be more gay friendly than any other country in the world.
I don’t know. For this particular European (i.e. me), it’s one of the things that highlight that stark differences between American and European culture. I’ve lived in UK and France and always believe that France is closer to England than America is (and somebody once said that lesbianism was to France what cricket was to England.)
I adore America – love it to bits – but this particular facet of popular culture is one that makes me uncomfortable (and I’m straight – just a bit of a hippy liberal, according to some.)
I can understand your reluctance to have PDA given some people’s opinions on the subject. I commend your bravery for not letting it hold you back in any way.
interestingly, i live in a place (the south) where there are consistent, active efforts to take away the rights of us gay folks – one of those places where people do believe, and say, exactly what roland mentioned – but i have never felt unsafe here. because, well, it’s the south, and whatever we may think of “that lifestyle” we are still polite to strangers (it’s friends and family that cause all the damage, as far as i’ve seen in folks i know). plus, i am in a nice little city, so we even get “aww y’all are so cute” smiles as well as folks just ignoring us.
the only place i’ve run into “public” homophobia was, in fact, in europe. but northern ireland is a bit spiky in all respects, so i suppose it only had a little to do with being gay =)
also, roland – what’s in our constitution here seems to have less and less impact on how we live or (notably) govern. but i’m just a disgruntled hippy liberal ;)
In Colorado Springs, I was always on edge when holding my (female) partner’s hand, and often didn’t feel comfortable doing it on a regular basis. While we didn’t experience much discrimination ourselves, we’d heard stories from friends, classmates, and professors. In Albuquerque, my high school girlfriend and I got whistled and catcalled while holding hands, but the environment here has generally felt less oppressive than in the Springs. I felt most free in San Francisco, where two women holding hands hardly warranted a second glance. In Paris, it didn’t seem to matter, either, but even friends seemed more comfortable showing affection towards each other in general.
When I started dating men, I was really quite hesitant about too much PDA. Since I had heterosexual privilege, I didn’t want to seem like I was flaunting it (plus, I had to come to terms with the fact that I could be attracted to men, again, and I had some identity issues with that). I was still cautious, but mostly because I was used to feeling cautious. It felt weird for me that people didn’t even blink an eye. Now, I do show more affection with my current male partner in public, and it’s the most I’ve ever shown. I am proud to show that we’re together. Now, I think I would feel more comfortable holding anyone’s hand in public – friend or lover – with pride, but I think that has a lot to do with feeling more comfortable with myself and my identity.
I live in the Newark, Delaware area , which hosts the University of Delaware. I love living in a “college town”. Northern Delaware tends to lean more liberal and open while the 2 other counties, central and Southern (the southern county borders on Virginia) are far more conservative. Having a large student population tends to make the area far more open to experiences of same sex PDA’s, at least in my short time here (about 5 years). BTW, I know you’ve had (reading your blog) some awful experiences in Philly, but I’ve had some really good ones too. I suspect a variety of experiences are available to people which would have them come away with varying persceptions (btw, of course the experiences are real for each person, would never tell you otherwise!).
Jerry – who is visiting friends in Elkins, WV and can’t believe how many Obama signs there are!