Sexuality Happens

F and I got together again Saturday.  She invited me to a going away party for a friend, so I drove us out there.

I felt awkward.  Not the good kind of haha hilarious awkward, but uncomfortable in my skin awkward.  I’ve noticed this about public shindigs.  I either feel really comfortable, have a blast, meet lots of people, and fit in, or I slowly shrink into my shell more and more, wanting to just curl up in a ball, just waiting until I can bolt.

This party was type #2.  The only person I knew there was F.  There were children, older adults, and a small smattering of 20-somethings.  Who were talking about giving alcohol to 12 year olds (and actually doing so in one case).  Granted, I don’t have kids (most of them did), but really? Booze to a 12 year old?  I feel like I’m becoming more and more of a prude everyday.  Anyways, I didn’t fit in.  I just felt like I did in college when I joined a sorority for a month (yes, I did. Stop laughing.  I believe in the “try it first, THEN you can talk about it more accurately” approach)…no one was ever rude, and some of them tried, but I just didn’t fit.  It was like the puzzle piece that *almost* fits, and you want it to fit, and you can shove it in really hard to try and make it fit….but it just doesn’t go.

Eventually, we left. Some bad stuff went down with F (not going to talk about it in order to protect her identity), but I felt into my same role.  Fixer/caretaker/dealer with authority.  I want to panic sometimes, but I’m never able to.  I am always the same; “here – let me deal with it.” “here, I’ll do whatever I can to fix it.”  I felt very alone. It wasn’t her fault, but I just wanted to scream.  I spend my life being that person, and sometimes all I want is someone to hold me, to tell me it’s ok, to allow me to let go, and have someone care for me.  And then I feel stupid and selfish for wanting something like that.  I’m the responsible one. I’m the reliable one. Why should people have to take care of me?

Anyways, I know you want the hot sex. And let me tell you, so did I.  We got back to my place – I told her we didn’t have to do anything, as I knew she was stressed.  We could just cuddle.  But she said she wanted to play…and who am I to refuse a sexy woman?

We had sex.

Wouldn’t that be amusing if that was all I said?  If I teased you that much, and then just left you with that?  Don’t worry, I’m nicer than that.

This time, I lay down the Liberator Throe with the animal print down, satin side up, in an attempt for it to not slide off the bed. Tonight, instead of percussive hitting play, I wanted to do more with sensation. I wanted her body to push up into me, to feel her shivers beneath my ministrations.  I wanted to make the bad go away, to make her happy again. I wanted to fix things…and although I knew it wasn’t something I could fix, I wanted to make it go away as much as possible.

 Beginning with my fingertips, and then my nails, I scratched over her back, roughly and gently, as she moved with the sensation, her body shivering against me.  I’m so impatient; her slight movements, her light gasps and moans made me want to push her legs apart as she lay there. But I held it in…for now.

I reached into the drawer by my bed, then I flicked open my knife. She jumped slightly at the metallic noise and making eye contact, I asked to make sure it was ok. There is my emotional side coming out again. With a nod from her, I went forward. Carefully, with intent, I ran the tip of the metal blade (slightly dulled, because I’m a safety freak) along her spine, and made designs on her back. She made phenomenal sounds, and I wanted her so much.  Again, all I wanted was to climb onto her, spreading her, and fuck her. I completely and totally identify with the stereotypical male when I’m with F.

Then, because I wanted to try new things, I put down my knife, and poured the warm oil from a massage candle on her back. She really like that, which is good, because I liked it too. I poured a few drops in one area, and then a few more in an area…  I’d pour some and rub it in, then pour some more and use the knife to scrape it off.  Finally, I straddled her back, and used it for its true purpose; massage. It was fun and relaxing…but I also really wanted to fuck her again. God. They should make something for this.

So I tied her up, again. Because a) she looks incredible tied up, b) she likes being tied up, and c) I wanted to use a vibrator on her, and didn’t want her getting away (see? I can be a little itty bitty bit toppy when I want to be).

With her tied open on my bed, and so I began. I teased and teased her, leaving little bruises on her thighs. Telling her I’d be right back, and talking to her the whole time, I ran to the kitchen and grabbed another toy for us; I painted her breasts and stomach with chocolate body paint, and licked it off – um hi, SO MUCH FUN!  With M, it was fun and intriguing.  With F, it was sexy; her body bucking into the brush, her gasped when I licked it off her.

I made her tell me what she wanted. I made her ask over and over again.  You could say that I made her beg.  It got to the point where she could have asked me almost anything, and I’d have gladly said yes.  I mean, I was still in “charge” of course, but we all know the bottom is always in control

Finally, I fucked her, and went down on her as she fucked my face, bucking up against me until she came. Hard. I kept licking, and then without missing a beat (ok, that’s a lie. I’m sure I was awkward and had to scrounge around to find it), I grabbed my Liv vibe, and turned it on, holding it against her already sensitive clit, my fingers still inside, fucking her.  She’s never had a vibe used on her (hasn’t played much with sex toys…and is now fucking me.  Poor thing!), and I wasn’t sure how she’d feel about it. I love teasing her, and I love making her come – the vibe was double the trouble, double the fun!  While I got some constructive criticism, I think she enjoyed it…because she came again.  I can’t wait to play with more toys with her (hitachi perhaps? pure wand?)

Then I untied her. We cuddled for a bit, and I slowly felt her shift on top of me. I turned to jelly – I wanted her to take me, NOW.

She then fucked me, and again, it was really good.  Sex with her is some of the better I’ve had. I don’t know if it’s because we’re friends AND fucking, or if we’re starting to get to know each other’s bodies better, or if it’s just chemical.  But hot damn my friends, hot damn. 

Eventually, we fell asleep.  I woke up to the alarm – she was still sleeping.  Ever so quietly and ever so sneakily, I crawled under the covers, gently spreading her legs, being ever so careful to not wake her up. And then without any foreplay or rigamorale (very different for me), I lowered my tongue to her clit, and began to lick, nibble, suck and basically, go to town. Can I just say that I was so wet as I began this? Brilliant plan!

It wasn’t long before she started to wake.  I mean really, wouldn’t you wake up if I was between your legs too? She reached down, putting her hands on my shoulders, her touch an instant connection, even though I couldn’t see her. I have this thing about touch.  I stayed like that, under the covers, until I started fucking her as I licked her, and she pulled the covers off. And that’s how it was until she came. At one point, she pushed so hard into me that I fell off the bed and finished fucking her from my knees. Amazing.

Can I just say that this was one of the hottest things I’ve ever done?  And I’ve done a lot of things…but god, just seeing her sleeping, and waking her up with me between her thighs was so incredible.

At one point, when she was fucking me (the night? the morning?) she held onto my thighs so tightly so I couldn’t get away from her tongue. She just kept going (energizer bunny?) and going. I tried to get away; I hit my head on the wall a few times, and by the time she was done fucking me, I was LITERALLY halfway off the bed, hanging upside down.  I opened my eyes.

“Wow. You just fucked me so hard you turned my world upside down.”

“Hmm.  Or maybe you’re just hanging upside down off the side of the bed.”

“Oh yeah. That might be it.” (Again, I shouldn’t be allowed to talk for 20 minutes after sex)

There is so much sex…it’s starting to blur together.  I don’t remember when she had almost her whole hand inside me (stuck at the thumb bone), but it felt like the universe was inside me, and imploding at the same time.

I love that we cuddle.  Not everyone cuddles.  I love that she kisses and bites my neck enough to make it super tender, but not quite enough to leave dark bruises. I love that she clearly has a dominant side, but is nervous about hurting me, so I’ll have to nurture it and bring it out of her. Right now, I just really love this.

This may last another day, week or month…or more. I don’t know. But this exact moment in time, I am so happy, so content. This is what I’ve wanted, what I’ve been looking for. A friend with benefits who cares about me, has emotions involved, is ok with being open, doesn’t profess their love to me, doesn’t run when I say/do weird things, and communicates.  The fact that the sex is great helps to.  So I don’t know how long I’ll have this, or where it might morph…but right now, I’m just…me. Ecstatic. Satisfied.  Satiated.

-Essin’ Em