Sexuality Happens

This was pretty much the story of my past week:

Dear Uterine System - 

I hate you, and have no use for you. I don’t fuck XY men, and I don’t want to bear children.  Ergo, why do you exist?  Also, I am on the Nuva Ring. Back to Back. CBC. Continuous Birth Control.  I’m only suppose to bleed from my nether regions twice a year. I KNOW I’m hanging out with the roller girls a lot, and I KNOW many of them started their periods last weekend, but why did you listen to their cycles, and not the ring? And why do you make me so horny and full o’ cramps at the same time? And why is this one of the heaviest/worst periods I’ve had in years?

No love at all,

Me

Dear Planned Parenthood - 

Don’t tell me to come in for a walk-in at 4:30, take all of my info when I come in at 4:28 (according to your lobby clock), let me wait till 5pm, and then tell me I “didn’t make it in by 4:30pm” and that your “policy is very strict about the 4:30 cut-off.”  The waiting room was empty, and you didn’t tell me that when I came in. Also, I WAS IN BY 4:30 MOTHER FUCKERS.  Then telling me I couldn’t get an appt till Friday (on Tuesday)?  Not ok.

No love at all,

Me

Dear Urgent Care Doctor -

Even though I had to wait wearing nothing but a sheet for 90 minutes, thank you for being professional, for understanding that I know female anatomy, and for giving my antibiotics for my fucking infected ingrown hair. Also, for not cutting it open.  Mucho appreciation.

Not too shabby for Urgent Care,

Me

Dear Infected Ingrown Hair- 

A) WTF? There are no hairs on the inner labia? How did you get there and get infected?

B) WTF? I’ve never had an ingrown hair in my life?  Why me? Why now?

C) Thank you for giving me an STI scare. I appreciate it. NOT. I was tested in May…I’m not scheduled to be tested again till November, and would like to keep it that way.  It’s hard enough to get my blood.

D) Thank you (in actuality) for being something small, fixable, and quick to go away.

WTF,

-Me

Dear Walgreens - 

My prescription is for THREE Nuva Rings refillable THREE times.  Giving me ONE ring, and telling me I have ONE left, instead of giving me THREE rings telling me I had ONE refill of THREE left is confusing, I know, but when I’m paying $100 plus for a prescriptions, I expect more than ONE bloody (or not so bloody) ring.  I’m glad you’re willing to fix YOUR mistake, but I am not excited about driving back out to an inconvenient location to pick them up. 

Kthnxby,

-Me

Dear ALL THE MEDICAL PRACTITIONERS I’VE HAD THE LAST EIGHT MONTHS,

It would have been super duper nice if you’d pointed out to me that my Nuva Ring is contraindicated with my Neurontin (migraine meds I take 3x a day).  Yeah.  Neurologist who prescribed the Neurontin; you knew I’ve been on the Nuva Ring for like 4 years. Hi. OB-GYN who renewed my prescription, I told you I’d just started taking the Neurontin.  GP, you knew I was on both, and didn’t mention it.  I mean, no, I’m not using it as contraception (thank god, because hi medical folks, an abortion is an expense “oops, I forgot to tell you your migraine meds cut the efficacy of your hormonal contraception by more than HALF” mistake to make), but now I know why I keep getting my fucking period when I’m on the ring, roller girls or not.  And no one; no doctors, none of the CVS pharmacists, etc, ever bothered to mention this.  And I have no other fucking options.

No fucking love at all whatsoever,

-Me

And that’s been my medical life. Insurance ends at the end of this month.  Woo fucking hoo. I wonder if someone would marry me to get me insurance…

-Essin’ Em