Sexuality Happens

A friend of mine forwarded this to me, and now, I pass it on to all of you.  Trans and gender discrimination is a huge and prevalent issue in our society, although it is not always visible (“check male or female” on pretty much every form ever).  This survey hopes to bring some of this discrimination to the light, and help us to be able to deal with it and confront it more.  It’s hard to do something about things that are hidden.  So please, repost. Please, forward to your friends. And please, if it applies to you, take a few minutes to fill out this survey.

-Essin’ Em

In the wake of one of the most violent years on record of assaults on transgender people, the National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE) and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force have teamed up on a comprehensive national survey to collect data on discrimination against transgender people in housing, employment, public accommodations, healthcare, education, family life and criminal justice.

To date, in 2008, several young gender non-conforming people of color have been murdered, including California junior high school student Lawrence King, who was shot in public during the school day. King’s murder, and the murders of Simmie Williams in South Carolina and Angie Zapata in Greeley, Colorado come in a year in which we are still working to include transgender provisions in a federal bill to protect lesbian, gay and bisexual workers from discrimination in employment.

Hate crimes against transgender people suggest multiple points of vulnerability, which can compound each other: discrimination in employment may lead to unstable housing situations that in turn can leave transgender people at the mercy of public programs and public officials who may not respond respectfully or appropriately to them. These stressors add burdens in a healthcare system that is often unprepared for transgender people’s needs. The list goes on. “We know that transgender people face discrimination on multiple fronts,” said Mara Keisling, executive director of NCTE. “This data will help us sort out the combination of forces that leave transgender people vulnerable to unemployment, homelessness and violence.”

Jaime Grant, director of the Task Force Policy Institute, noted, “There is so little concrete data on the needs and risks associated with the widespread discrimination we see in the lives of the transgender people we know. This data will help point the way to an appropriate policy agenda to ensure that transgender people have a fair chance to contribute their talents in the workplace, in our educational systems and in our communities.”

NCTE and the Task Force have partnered with Pennsylvania State University’s Center for the Study of Higher Education to collect and analyze the data. Applying rigorous academic standards to the investigation will strengthen any case made to legislators, policy makers, healthcare providers and others whose decisions impact the lives of transgender people. A national team of experts in survey research and transgender issues developed the questionnaire, which can be completed online at https://online.survey.psu.edu/endtransdiscrim.

Hey kiddos!  God news for you – I’ll be doing a bi-monthly (or possibly more often) swag give away from now on, to reward you, my awesome readers.  Companies like Babeland, EdenFantasys, ForYourNymphomation and more have all offered to donate some amazing products to these give aways, so make sure you visit them to tell them “thank you!”

Here is the first contest:

I <3 Babeland, and Babeland <3s you.  So much in fact that they’ve offered to give away five Babeland Silver Bullets through Sexuality Happens.  Free sex toys, free shipping, what more could you want?

The best part? I get to give them away anyway I want! So, because I love to hear from you, and want more fodder for my fantasies, I’m going to make this contest about me.

This week, I’ll be giving away THREE of the bullets.  To enter, you need to either post a comment, or email me at EssinEm at Gmail dot Com.  What, you ask, needs to be in these comments/emails?  I want you to tell me, if we met (or if we have met, if we were to meet again), what we’d do together.  In 200 words or less. It can be fun (no sky diving though – I’m scared of heights), sexy/erotic, or amusing.  My top three picks will get a silver bullet vibe sent to them by Babeland.  You must provide a valid email address, and be willing to give a shipping address (duh), so that the toy can be sent to you.

DEADLINE is Midnight, MST on Wednesday, September 24, 2008. That gives you FIVE full days to figure out what we’d do together!

Ready…set…go.  I’m excited to read them :)

-Essin’ Em

I’ve pretty much been craving the Fukuoku Vibrating Glove since I turned 18 and first set foot in a sex toy store. I mean…five fingers, all full of vibrations?  How could you *not* want one of these.

I cut it out of its packaging…and groaned. It takes AAA batteries, and while I have more AAs than I could possibly need EVER, I couldn’t scrounge up 3 AAAs.  Sigh.  I texted F; “If you have any AAA batteries, can I borrow 3 when you come over?” She wrote back that she didn’t have any, and asked if she should pick up any.  We’re not at the point where I’m ok asking her to grab me something, so I told her I’d figure it out on my own.  

Once she was over, I showed her the glove, placing it on my right hand (you can also get it for your left hand…but although I’m left handed, I’d asked for the right one…I didn’t think I’d have enough dexterity in it, so I wanted it on my non-dominant hand, so I could use my left hand for um…you know, important things. Like fucking people).  We joked about how I looked like a super villain, and that I should keep AAA batteries around.  As I moved to take it off, I hit the on button…and it came to life. That’s right folks, this toy COMES WITH BATTERIES.  Ah-May-Zing.  10 points right there.

It has two vibrating options; low and high.  The glove itself is pretty damn comfy, but was a little big on me (I have really small hands), even once I tightened the wrist strap, so the vibes didn’t sit perfectly on my fingers.  Didn’t matter.  They vibrated my fingers like WOAHFUCK, and as I ran then up and down F’s back, they really seemed to work magic.  She moaned a little and let me rub my hand all over her back.  With extra pressure, I got extra moans.  It was fabulous.

I flipped her over, for access to her stomach.  I ran the glove all over her; breasts, tummy, and all elicited pleasant sounds on both high and low settings. The only thing she didn’t like so much was having it on her nipples, on either speed. She said it was just too much.

Then we switched, letting her put it on. I think it fit her hand a little better. Starting it on low, she rubbed it all over me.  It didn’t feel as good as getting a massage from her, but it did feel quite nice (and was much less work for her, I’m sure).  She moved it up to my nipples, to show me how it was too much vibration. Ha.  I, she of the nipple clamps, LOVED it, especially on the higher setting.  As I always say, each to his/her own!

With her body pressed against mine, I was getting really turned on.  She moved it between my legs, over my underwear.  Mmm. It felt good, but to be honest, I can’t really see getting off with a glove.  I’m iffy about cleaning it (although you can remove everything and wash it…or so they say), and I really preferred it as a massager.   I mentioned that it was a lot less cheesy than I thought it would be, and F pointed out that it was still pretty cheesy.  I agreed, but said it was cheesy in a super hero kind of way. Which then turned into talk about a sexy super villain-heroine in distress role play (why yes, I do own a cape. and a cloak), which then turned into giggles.

While I don’t really see this becoming my go to for getting off, I was really bloody impressed (and not just because it came with batteries). For running on AAAs, it packs a decent punch, and I really enjoyed watch F’s face and body as I ran it over her skin.  Definitely great for foreplay and sensation play, and it wasn’t even that loud, which was a nice surprise.  4 out of 5 stars!

Want your own sexy super-villain glove? Click here to buy it at VibeReview!

-Essin’ Em

Last Friday night was the derby bout of the month; Denver Roller Dolls (my league) vs. Minnesota Roller Girls. I was reminded of a) how much I love roller derby – the people, the fans, the game, the culture, etc, and b) how much I miss getting to be 100% myself.

The bout itself was awesome.  I brought my fluffy flogger for the intros – it matched my ref shirt and socks so well. I also wore a red and black vinyl skirt (more on this later). I am getting to know more of the women on the league, so it was nice for everyone to say hi to me when I got there and walked around (and it helped that my mini derby crush was there too!).

The game itself was good. Minnesota played a little dirty, but over all, good calls were made, and my box was tight and full of roller girls who came in and out (I ran the penalty box).  DRD won (cause we’re awesome), and there was much celebration.  I had 3 different fans want to take a picture with me, and my head ref said that a couple of people had asked about me (who the hell cares about the refs? Anyways…).

But the thing that makes a derby bout? The after party.  This was hands down the best after party I’ve been to in the more than two years I’ve been in derby.  I went there a little frustrated – F had called. She was going to go play guitar with her friend and therefore was going to miss the game. Ok.  Sad, but fine. She said to call her and she would come to the after party, and then come over. Ok.  Right before the game started, she texted me – she was in a weird space, and wasn’t going to come to the after party…or to my place at all.  I mean, I totally understand – she’s had a really hard few weeks. But derby bouts like this are really only once a month (plus, this was our last travel team (vs. home teams) bout for the season).  And I didn’t have anyone coming for me other than my sister and her AFA boyfriend. So I was kind of in a wonky mood…until the head ref hopped in my car and regaled me with amusing stories as I ate free Chipotle!  

I got to the after party, and started standing in line for a drink. One of the roller girls from DRD who I’d only met a few times (she’s been injured) came over and told me she’d like to buy me drink. And did. Amazing! And then, there is this photo booth there, from one of our sponsors.  Basically, for FREE, you can take sets of of 4 photos with anyone you want (similar to a real photo booth, but free, and not only do you get a print out, but they post them online too).  There were some awesome photos, with a variety of people.

And then there was the dance floor.  As many of you know, I LOVE to dance. However, I have a different “style” of dancing…and in Philly, while a couple of people told me I was awesome, overall, people usually look at me like I have 4 heads.  Not here – the derby girls were rocking it out, and people were dancing all sorts of crazy ways, and I felt like I fit right in.  The best moment of the whole night was when there were about 20 rollers girls and refs on stage dancing, and we all did the Hammer dance to Can’t Touch This IN UNISON. Spontaneously.  It was brilliant!

The amusing part was my skirt.  Apparently, vinyl skirts just beg for people to hit your ass.  I had one of the roller girls and her cute girlfriend spanking me quite a bit, and then, everyone wanted in on the action. I was spanked by no less than 25 different people throughout the night (horrible, I know) — both cheeks of course (I am a little OCD), and multiple times by some. Let’s just say that I was a little bruised the next morning, but I LOVED it.  Spanking free-for-all on Essin’ Em’s ass? Hurray!

I danced up on stage for a bit (made a dollar).  At one point, I was trying to get off the stage without landing on my ankle, and a guy in a leather trenchcoat and blue glasses (inside?) grabbed my hand and helped me down.  He whispered in my ear “I think you’re really hot and sexy.” I told him thank you very much, and made to leave.  Here is the resulting conversation:

Him: “Can I call you?”

Me: “Um. Well. Um” (I feel really bad telling anyone no outright, because goodness knows I’ve been rejected enough). Yes. (I put it in his phone) But I may not answer. I usually sleep with female bodied people.”

Him: “That’s cool. You’re a lesbian?”

Me: “Not exactly.”

Him: “So you’re bisexual?”

Me: “No, I’m queer.”

Him: “Which means you’re bisexual.”

Me: “NO. I am queer, and tend to sleep with women.”

Him: “You like men, you like women, you’re bisexual.”

Me: Sigh. “There are more than two options – there is a whole spectrum of gender and identity and I refuse to limit myself to two options.”

Him: “How old are you? 20?”

Me: “This is a 21+ party. And you’re being an idiot.  Please fuck off, thank you.”

And I walked away. I really shouldn’t have given him my number in the first place, but people so rarely ask for it, that when they do, I don’t know how to say no appropriately without being rude. 

Cue more dancing and picture taking. And then this cute girl I’ve met at clubs a few times, and this girl I had sex with showed up. They’d both just been airbrushed at a club down the block, and so clearly I had to remove at least one of their tops.  And bra. And so we stood outside the bar like that (I have a bad habit of taking people’s clothes off).  At one point, I was sandwiched between the two of them, one behind and one in front, and a girl came up to kiss the one in front. I pouted and ask why I was left out, so she kissed me too and left.  Then I wound up kissing the one in front, and when I was done, she looked like she’d been hit with a semi – very dazed.  The one behind asked if she was really drunk, and she shook her head. I said “come off it, I’m not that good of a kisser.” She just smiled. So then the the one behind me turned me around and asked if she could see. So I kissed her too, and then she staggered a little bit.  

“Wow. Um. Yeah. Wow.”  Verdict? Apparently, I’m a good kisser. Enough to make people lose speech and become weak in the knees.  Jealous yet?

Through out all of this, there was much spanking occurring.  I was being spanked, I was spanking people (dear god – my forearm tendons were so sore for DAYS).  At some point, I was back on the stage dancing yet again, and felt someone tap my ankles – a Minnesota Roller Girl was dancing through my legs on the floor, and another one up behind me. MN was without a doubt the best after party team EVER. Especially on the their way out, when I took about half of their motorboating virginity (apparently, my breasts are amazing for motorboating….)

Another highlight? I’ve found myself a Colorado derby wife – we proposed to each other on our knees out in front of the bar after we shut the bar down. And are now married.  I also had a guy come up to me and tell me I’m a fucking dancing QUEEN. That’s right – queen. And the girl I had sex with previously told me I was amazing in bed.  Oh, and that one roller girl bought me another drink. Talk about a confidence boost…all night long!

However, one thing that I wasn’t used to was the amount attention I had paid to me by straight men. Some of them obsessively.  I went to walk one of the dolls to get a cab, and he followed me “where are you going?” I told him stay. And he did. But it was kind of creepy.  How come women don’t pay that kind of attention to me? Le sigh.

I got walked to my car by the two women from before. And spanked some more. And then I hopped in and drove off…I really had no legitimate interest in hooking up with anyone that night (crazy I know!…Well, except for that roller girl and her girlfriend. I would have accepted an invitation to that).  I got home, and was already sore from the dancing and the spankings, so even though it was 4am (roller girls do it all night, ok?), I put on a suit, and headed down to the hot tub. It felt amazing, AND they fixed the jets…so well, you know what had to happen.  And it did :)  And then it was to bed with me.

Roller derby is an amazing sport, culture, group of people, everything.  I’m so glad it’s been part of my life, and will continue to be.

-Essin’ Em

I chose this picture (although it’s almost 4 years old) because I think I look beautiful in it. Not pretty, not hot, not sexy, not adorable, not quirky, not different, but honest to god beautiful. Ergo, a beautiful HHNT to you all!

So F has been part of many of my firsts.

My first time getting a hand inside me.

My first time really sleeping through the night with someone (I don’t even wake up at all in the middle of the night any more).

My first time coming from riding her face.

My first time grinding a woman while riding her.

My first time having sex with glasses on.

My first time being spanked with a plaid skirt on (can you believe it’s taken this long???)

My first woman I’ve topped without making her cry.

My first time waking a woman up with oral.

My first time using a knife on someone.

My first time using wax on someone.

All of this in three times of sex (I say times, loosely.  Because when we have sex, it’s usually for a few hours at night, and then a quicky or two in the morning). Wow. I know.

But more over, F is the first person I’ve slept with who has made me feel beautiful.  Not only is she the first person I’ve had sex with who has told me I am beautiful, she’s the first person who has honest to goodness made me *feel* beautiful.

From M, I didn’t except anything like that; she told me her fuck buddy was stressing her out because she told M that “she just wanted someone to tell her that she was pretty” (and a boat load of other things). I didn’t need M to tell me I was pretty – I needed M to fuck me, and to make me laugh, and to laugh with me.

C is beautiful, and an amazing person.  Our time together was more of self-discovery for me, and at the time, that’s what I needed.  I needed her to let me open up and be me, and expand.

I think I would have fallen to the floor if K had told me I was beautiful. That just wasn’t him at all, and I think if he’d told me that, I would have look at him very suspiciously, wondering what was behind the sentiment. I needed K to experience many kink things I hadn’t found someone to do with me yet, I needed K to trust, I needed K to give permission, and to tell me what to do, and at one point, to slap me across the face.

Dana and Miss Avarice were fun – I think we needed each other for fun, for experimentation, for something new :)

The woman at the Swinger’s club needed me. She needed to be with a woman, to experience something different, to open up that bisexual/queer side of her, to understand herself more. I didn’t feel like I needed or got anything out of it, but she did, and that made me happy. No way I could expect her to tell me I’m beautiful.

There was J.  J told me I was pretty, hot, sexy. J made me feel sexy…without any doubt. I felt like a ferociously sexy Femme, no question. But I don’t think he ever told me I was beautiful, and I definitely never felt it. That was ok. I realize in hindsight that most of our relationship was based in sex/sexuality; having it, and discussing it. And I’m pretty sure I’m not beautiful when I’m between someone’s legs, fucking them, or tied up, or waking up with bedroom hair. Sexy, perhaps, but not beautiful.

But F does tell me that, and not just while on a post-orgasm endorphin high.  We sat on the couch talking the other night, and she looked at me, and told me I was beautiful. I paused. My instincts were to look away and laugh, or to reply with “sometimes” like I usually do. But I felt different. I looked at her and said thank you. It felt a little awkward. It’s interesting which compliments I have no trouble taking (“What a smart idea!” “Em, you’re incredibly creative” “You are completely unique”), and which ones make me freeze and search for a response (“You’re beautiful/gorgeous/stunning/sexy” “I like being around you” “I’m so glad I’m with you right now).

I don’t know what it says about me, that it’s taken more than two decades to feel beautiful. I certainly don’t feel it all the time. But once in while, now, just maybe, when F says it, maybe I’ll believe her.

Because I know she’s fucking beautiful. Amazing. Stunning. Inside and out. I want to tell her that all the god damn time.

-Essin’ Em

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #147? Submit a link to your best post of the week by emailing me directly at radicalvixenatgmaildotcom Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

Nipple clamps, butt plug, Hitachi – oh my!

“Once the plug is in, I’m going to send you on a little walk.”

I discover transcendental orgasm

“It was peaceful, and like holding on to a live wire at the same time.”

When We Were Kids: Thoughts on BDSM

“The tying was always my favourite part, whether I was the one tied who had to escape, or the one who got to do the tying.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself

Sugar Bank

Editor’s Choice

Like a Prayer – Part 2

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

Bite Me

Chess

Lunch Date

On the phone

People we’ve always wanted to be

Submitting Again: Part 3

Top

Webcam

While it rains outside…

Your Gorgeous Polish Girlfriend does not feel like having sex tonight

Sex Work

The Age of Porn: Performers, Attraction, and Age

Day 5 of the Sexumentary

So there I was, with a caller…

The Whore in the House Next Door

NSFW pics

Dana by Goncharov (Met Art)

Fetish Model & PornSLUTkitty Gets Her Head Tattooed

A Fully Naked HHNT

Not a masochist

Sex News, Reviews, & Interviews

The Lelo Mia

Nea: by Lelo

Njoy’s Amazing Butt Plugs – A Sex Toy Review

Sex News Roundup

BDSM & Fetish

After the Party … (part III)

Catalina loves Naughty Secretary Roleplay

Charlotte Vale And I (Mz Berlin) In Bondage Gangbang On The Training Of O

The Enigmatic Angel’s Kinky Cinematic Journey

The Pleasure Of Torment

Push Button Behavior Modification

The Sarge And Backdoor Bondage Have Great Impact Play And Hogtied Style Bondage Content

Shoes, it’s really all about the shoes.

Snap, Crackle, and Pop

Whipped Pussy Reminds You To Always Keep A Spare In The Trunk

Sex Advice

Help, my boyfriend won’t go down on me!

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Can A Threesome Help You Find Your True Love?

Eco Sex and Green BDSM

Femme is a Noun, an Adjective, a Verb…

If You are Charming Smart, but Ugly, I Fuck You For Sure!

It’s a struggle.

Stripper Milf versus Stripper Teen: 69 points to ponder

Where The Hell Did My Boobs Go?

The other night, F came over.  To watch a movie. We decided on Secretary (of course). I popped it in, and we made out a little on my bed.  I told her that sometime I wanted her to tie me up, and leave marks all over me.  She said she’d be interested in that.  And then we lay together, cuddling, kissing, etc, as the opening scenes played out. And then we had a conversation that went pretty much like this (keep in mind we were both lying in my bed in our underwear):

F: “I’m in an interesting place emotionally. I’d really just like to cuddle tonight.”

Me: “Ok, you’ve got it! I’m not wearing sex underwear anyways (Femmes, do you understand what I mean by this???)  Can we have a hot and sexy make out night?”

F: “Mmmm. Sounds good.” *kisses me. kisses me more.* “Sex underwear? What’s that?” *cue my explanation, and more kissing*

Me: “Yay. I like kissing.”

F: “Me too.” *Kisses me more.  I am now somehow straddling her hips, and she’s pulling off my underwear (non-sex underwear, to clarify), and is pulling my towards her face.*

Me: “No no no.  This is a sex-free night.”

F: “Oh? Is it?” *Has my underwear off by now, my cunt getting closer to her mouth.*

Me: “Yes! You said you just wanted to cuddle! This isn’t cuddling!” *My breathing is getting heavy at this point – I can feel her breath on my vulva*

F: “Really? Interesting…”

Me: “I am TRYING to be the good person here. I’m TRYING to just cuddle. But you’ve got me on your face!” (I was channeling Coupling, the episode with Susan and epidural — I figured if I asked three times, and she still wanted to do it, I was good to go!)

F: “Are you complaining?” *begins to lick*

Me: “No.” *cue unintelligible moans*

It was hot. Really fucking hot.  And in case you were wondering, we’ve discovered (by accident) that I can bend in half backwards.  Like can put my head on the bed by your feet while riding your face bend in half.

We talked for a bit about collars. She said she’d be interested in trying that, so I buckled one around her neck.  Bad plan. Don’t do that when someone has a fuck-ton of emotional processing to do. I could tell something was off, so I wound up taking off the collar and lying with my arm around her for the rest of the movie as she drifted in and out of sleep.

When the movie was over, we were cuddling, and I was lightly running my fingers and nails over her.  She gave me permission to play with her, and I did. It was amazing.  Between the two of us, and a little lube, she let me work in and out of her until most of my hand was in her, gently moving, causing her to shake and shudder with every slight movement. And then she asked for my mouth…and I’ve yet to deny her anything, so I lowered my head, and she came. My hand inside her, my mouth on her clit, my free hand holding her. Amazing.

And then, she tied me up. I haven’t been tied up since I was with J.  So almost a year at this point. I forgot how much I love it…

She’s hesitant. She doesn’t want to hurt me. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell her she’s fine, that I will let her know, she holds back.  She let me teach her how to put clothespins on my nipples (Oh Em Gee yes please thank you), but then was apprehensive as to whether they hurt to much. She let me top her from the bottom; “you could bite me here” and “you can use the wartenburg wheel if you’d like.”  She has it in her, I know it. When she pins me, I feel a strike of lightening between my legs…I just need to wait for her to come into her own.

But dom-ness aside, she knows what she’s doing.  She taunted and teased, teased and taunted, and finally went down on me, until I came.  Fine. Dandy. It was good, but nothing new….until she fucked the life out of me. I kid you not.  She fucked me hard, and I came hard…two or three times.  I asked her to untie me, so I could touch her – I have a thing about holding onto people. I excepted her to do it right away…but she just grinned at me, and kept fucking me. I came hard again a few times…and then I asked her to let me touch her again.  Again, she shook her head, asked me if I was trying to tell her what to do, and fucked me more.  And I came, more. Finally, she untied my right, and I got my left, her fingers still inside me, and then she fucked me. Without meaning to, I clawed her back, and came harder than I ever have with another person.

As we cuddle, I said stupid things, as usual. Although she said some funny things too. It just worked.

In the morning, we took a shower together (no shower sex though).  I soaped up her body as she stood with her hands on the wall, legs slightly apart. It took everything I had (plus knowing she had to get going) that kept me from fucking her…and when she rubbed all over my body, slipping in a few hand spanks to the ass, I had to concentrate on my breathing in order to not jump her.

We had a talk that night, after I pointed out that it was the third time (separate day if you will) that we’d had sex, and that I hadn’t had sex with anyone more than twice since J. We talked about it being a perfect situation; that neither of us was looking for a long term relationship or to be in love, yet it was clear that we were friends, and cared about one another, and had amazing sex. Communication is bloody fucking key people, bloody fucking key!

So she’s fixed me.  I am no longer solely a slut want to be; I’m a slut want to be with a stunning and amazing friend with benefits.

Life is good.

-Essin’ Em

Some conversations I’ve had with people the last week or two have just gotten me thinking about some random numbers involving my sexuality and such… So I thought I’d share.

*I’ve had sex with two people from my high school. I never had sex with anyone when I was in high school.

*I’ve had sex with/hooked up with 4 people I went to elementary/middle school with.  I never even kissed anyone in middle school (actually, make that 5 if you count phone/cyber sex).

*I’ve had sex in *my* bed with 4 people; the Derby Girl, J, M and F.

*I’ve let 2 people sleep in my bed overnight; J and F.

*I’ve slept through the night with 3 people: Dinah Shore Person, J and F.

*I’ve had penis in vagina intercourse with one XY guy (multiple times).

*I bought my first sex toy when I turned 18.

*I burned out 4 bullets in the 2004-2005 school year (2 while in Germany – that SUCKED).

*I own one pink sex toy – the Raquel.

*I own one harness, but have never actually worn it.

*I have 5 pairs of nipple clamps; two gators, two adjustable, and one clover set.  I can only wear the adjustable and the clovers. Or a shit ton of clothespins.

*I have only *NOT* kissed one person I’ve had sex with. I think kissing is pretty crucial.

*I know the last names of everyone I’ve had sex with except for two people.

*I know the first name of every single person I’ve ever kissed. Ever.

*I’ve been writing erotica since I was 17.

*I have 2 copies of the Vagina Monologues. I am not sure why, but I *do* love my vagina.

*I have more framed naked photos of myself than I do clothed photos.

*I have kissed one XY guy in the last 2 years.

*I’ve topped 7 women; Derby Girl, Swinger’s Club Woman, Sasha Sappho, Dana, Miss Avarice, a recent hook-up, and F. I think I kinda am awkward at it.

*I was first flogged when I was 16. During a sexuality conference week at my college.

*I burnt through three electric toothbrushes before I turned 18.

*Since I started having sex at 17 (I count oral, remember?), the longest I’ve gone without sex was two years, between when my boyfriend and I broke up in November 2003 and when I had intercourse with the Asshole Guy in December 2005.

*I have had sex with 2 different people, in different situations, within a 24 hour period.  Once.

*I have had 1 threesome…with Dana and Miss Avarice.

*I have made 4 women cry during sex (not from pain, in an emotional release kind of way).

*I have yet to make a man cry. Hmmm.

*I have received oral sex from 1.5 XY men…a hook up in 2006 (the “1″) and from a prospective student on the floor of a study lounge my freshman year of college – my first consensual sex, I was terrified, and there were RAs patrolling the halls, so it lasted about 4 minutes (hence the “.5″)

*I’ve received oral sex from a hell of a lot more queer people.

*I didn’t have a real orgasm with another person until I was 20 (and will never fake it again).

*I didn’t have sex with a female bodied person until I was 21.

*My average sex sessions last at least 2-3 hours.  I’m not sure how I feel about quickies.

*I’ve never had sex with someone who had a higher sex drive than mine.

*The longest amount of time I had sex for at one time was 8 hours. We took water and bathroom breaks though.

*I’ve had sex in 6 states. Which is impressive, since I’ve only lived in 2.

*I think I need a “get out of jail free” card for anything I say within 20 minutes of having sex…as C, M and F can attest.

*I’ve only gone on “dates” (specified as such) with 5 people. Ever.  My First Boyfriend (HS), my Stalker Boyfriend (college), Creepy SCA Guy, J and L.

*I have only ever had sex with 1 stranger (ie, I met them that night); Swinger’s Club Woman. Otherwise, I know everyone I have sex with.

*I have had sex with two sex bloggers; Miss Avarice and Sasha Sappho. However, I’ve met in real life about 14 or 15 sex bloggers (including those in Colorado and Florida).  There is a HUGE list of people I still want to meet (and/or fuck).  Lady Brett Ashley is number one (you hear that missy?).

*I secretly (not so secretly?) have a list of bloggers I’d really like to fuck.  Currently, the list is at 10….can you guess who they are? (Sasha and Miss A are not on the list, having already fucked them) I’m sure you know at least #1 ;)

-Essin’ Em

Hussyred posted something last week (2 weeks ago?) about how we came into our Femme identities, and who/what has contributed to them. I’ve written slightly about this before, but here is my time to say my thank yous.  Lady Brett Ashley did hers in the form of an acceptance speech. Mine will be similar, but with more explanation, and less pizazz.  I’m not known for my pizazz.

Thank you to those who helped me discover and nurture my Femme identity:

*The person at Dinah Shore 2007.  We were in my room, regaining energy after round 2 or 3 or 10 of sex, and they looked over at my make up and hot iron strewn across the vanity.  ”You are such a Femme.”

“What? No, I’m not!” My concept of Femme was the same as hyper feminine, lipstick.  I rejected the social construction of required femininity. “I don’t usually wear heels, I don’t even OWN foundation, I’m allergic to pink.  What the hell are you talking about?”

“Femme is not all that. Femme is an attitude. You have a Femme attitude.”

“I most certainly do not.” Hands on my hips, I looked like a large feline, eyes flashing slightly dangerously.

“And there is that attitude right there.  Femme isn’t a bad thing. I *like* Femmes. They’re fucking hot.”

And then we fucked again. For another few hours. And the next day. On the plane ride home, I contemplated the concept of Femme.  Someone more on the feminine end of the spectrum, but “doing” femininity in her own way. An attitude, not an outfit.  And so my journey as a Femme began.  Thank you for helping me open the door to my Femme-ness.

*Sinclair Sexsmith.  Sinclair is brilliant.  And hot. And it’s not secret that Sinclair is at the top of my “Butches I’d like to fuck” list (yes, I have a list).  And my “Bloggers I’d like to fuck” list.  Hell – people I’d like to fuck in general.  Anyways, reading Sugarbutch.net really really really helped me to process the identity and concept of Femme. There was so much to Femme, as much as any other identity.  Sinclair made me look at my own identity, and helped me to “create” MY version of Femme.  I may not wear stilettos (hello 3 knee surgeries), I may loathe pink, and I’ve certainly never had a manicure in my life.  However, when I get all put together, eye some hot Butch at the club, and use a snarky line, I always think of the amazing amount of influence and guidance Sinclair has provided. Thank you to Sinclair for helping me discover so much of all of my identities.

*J.  My ex, J. J really brought out the Femme in me sometimes. He’d show up in a button down and a tie, and I wanted to look so hot that he’d not be able to stand it. I wanted to be so hot that he’d fuck me before dinner, after dinner, and at times, during dinner.  I would do my hair instead of leaving it curly and down. I’d put on make up, and pick out a sexy outfit. And then he’d call, saying he was outside, and I’d stand framed in the doorway, watching him look me over, and damn it, I’d feel so bloody hot.  One time, I had on a 50′s style strapless dress, and black thigh highs.  We’d just gotten back into my apartment, and he went down on me, under my dress, while I was trying to stand up and keep my balance, rolling my stockings down slightly. The fact that I could look so attractive, and be so sassy that someone would want to have me right then and there?  That’s part of my Femme attitude (Femmitude?). I’d let him open my car door (something I’d NEVER let anyone do before), I’d let him wait for me to sit…I began to re-examine my idea of chivalry in a new context. So a big thank you to J on that.

*K. We really didn’t talk that much about my idea of being a Femme…we had other things to cover. One day, we were moving through a big crowd of people, and he just grabbed my hand and led me through. It was incredibly hot…yet something I couldn’t imagine having found attractive a year or two ago.  Not a Femme thing per se…although it influenced me somehow. But I remember one day, I was at his place, and he told me he’d walk me out.  I looked at him oddly; it didn’t seem like the time of thing he’d do, and I commented on it.  He told me that I just seemed to bring it out in him.  I hugged him goodbye, and as I drove home, I thought about it.  In the year that I’d been playing with the idea of being a Femme, I’d gone from hating people holding doors, opening doors, lending me their jackets, leading me through crowds to feeling empowered and getting turned on by it. When I met people I was attracted to, my femmitude totally came through…I would wait for a door to be opened, letting them go first.  When I shook hands, I would catch their gaze, and then drop my eyes first, essentially asking them to make a move. I LIKED that I brought that out in him. Thank you to K for indirectly validating my identity, and making me feel like I “worked” properly.

*The Femmes in a variety of porn (Pink and White, Fatale, San Francisco Lesbians 1-12, Working Girlz).  These women really cemented the idea to me that Femme DOES NOT EQUAL weak. To me, feminine sometimes does, but Femme certainly does not. I am a fierce Femme, a feisty Femme.  I have snarky lines, I am learning to flirt, I’m almost at the point where I’m able to get people to pin me up against walls and then fuck the hell out of me. Femme does not mean being passive in bed. Femme does not mean being passive in general. To me, Femme can and often does equal power. Thank you to these hot power Femmes for showing me that.

*Other Sex Bloggers. There are so many. Miss Avarice. Scarlet Lotus. Dylan. Lady Brett Ashley. Sasha Sappho. Pretty much half of Sinclair’s community list. Sinclair’s friend Muse, who posts comments on Sinclair’s blog, and whom I was lucky enough to meet in real life.  The writers at the Femme’s Guide to Absolutely Everything.  Thank you to all of you for the comments, discussion, reassurance, new ideas, and so much more.

*Books. Books. Books. Erotica books. Academic books. Fiction books. Biographies. Memoirs.  My shelves are covered with them. Thank you to all of the authors for showing me the giant spectrum of Femme, and letting me realize that there IS not definition for the label, and that I don’t have to try and fit myself into some box.

I’m sure there are more influences, but these are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.  Thank you to all these people and things, and to anything and everything else that has been part of the creation and realization of this identity.  I appreciate you all.

-Essin’ Em

F and I got together again Saturday.  She invited me to a going away party for a friend, so I drove us out there.

I felt awkward.  Not the good kind of haha hilarious awkward, but uncomfortable in my skin awkward.  I’ve noticed this about public shindigs.  I either feel really comfortable, have a blast, meet lots of people, and fit in, or I slowly shrink into my shell more and more, wanting to just curl up in a ball, just waiting until I can bolt.

This party was type #2.  The only person I knew there was F.  There were children, older adults, and a small smattering of 20-somethings.  Who were talking about giving alcohol to 12 year olds (and actually doing so in one case).  Granted, I don’t have kids (most of them did), but really? Booze to a 12 year old?  I feel like I’m becoming more and more of a prude everyday.  Anyways, I didn’t fit in.  I just felt like I did in college when I joined a sorority for a month (yes, I did. Stop laughing.  I believe in the “try it first, THEN you can talk about it more accurately” approach)…no one was ever rude, and some of them tried, but I just didn’t fit.  It was like the puzzle piece that *almost* fits, and you want it to fit, and you can shove it in really hard to try and make it fit….but it just doesn’t go.

Eventually, we left. Some bad stuff went down with F (not going to talk about it in order to protect her identity), but I felt into my same role.  Fixer/caretaker/dealer with authority.  I want to panic sometimes, but I’m never able to.  I am always the same; “here – let me deal with it.” “here, I’ll do whatever I can to fix it.”  I felt very alone. It wasn’t her fault, but I just wanted to scream.  I spend my life being that person, and sometimes all I want is someone to hold me, to tell me it’s ok, to allow me to let go, and have someone care for me.  And then I feel stupid and selfish for wanting something like that.  I’m the responsible one. I’m the reliable one. Why should people have to take care of me?

Anyways, I know you want the hot sex. And let me tell you, so did I.  We got back to my place – I told her we didn’t have to do anything, as I knew she was stressed.  We could just cuddle.  But she said she wanted to play…and who am I to refuse a sexy woman?

We had sex.

Wouldn’t that be amusing if that was all I said?  If I teased you that much, and then just left you with that?  Don’t worry, I’m nicer than that.

This time, I lay down the Liberator Throe with the animal print down, satin side up, in an attempt for it to not slide off the bed. Tonight, instead of percussive hitting play, I wanted to do more with sensation. I wanted her body to push up into me, to feel her shivers beneath my ministrations.  I wanted to make the bad go away, to make her happy again. I wanted to fix things…and although I knew it wasn’t something I could fix, I wanted to make it go away as much as possible.

 Beginning with my fingertips, and then my nails, I scratched over her back, roughly and gently, as she moved with the sensation, her body shivering against me.  I’m so impatient; her slight movements, her light gasps and moans made me want to push her legs apart as she lay there. But I held it in…for now.

I reached into the drawer by my bed, then I flicked open my knife. She jumped slightly at the metallic noise and making eye contact, I asked to make sure it was ok. There is my emotional side coming out again. With a nod from her, I went forward. Carefully, with intent, I ran the tip of the metal blade (slightly dulled, because I’m a safety freak) along her spine, and made designs on her back. She made phenomenal sounds, and I wanted her so much.  Again, all I wanted was to climb onto her, spreading her, and fuck her. I completely and totally identify with the stereotypical male when I’m with F.

Then, because I wanted to try new things, I put down my knife, and poured the warm oil from a massage candle on her back. She really like that, which is good, because I liked it too. I poured a few drops in one area, and then a few more in an area…  I’d pour some and rub it in, then pour some more and use the knife to scrape it off.  Finally, I straddled her back, and used it for its true purpose; massage. It was fun and relaxing…but I also really wanted to fuck her again. God. They should make something for this.

So I tied her up, again. Because a) she looks incredible tied up, b) she likes being tied up, and c) I wanted to use a vibrator on her, and didn’t want her getting away (see? I can be a little itty bitty bit toppy when I want to be).

With her tied open on my bed, and so I began. I teased and teased her, leaving little bruises on her thighs. Telling her I’d be right back, and talking to her the whole time, I ran to the kitchen and grabbed another toy for us; I painted her breasts and stomach with chocolate body paint, and licked it off – um hi, SO MUCH FUN!  With M, it was fun and intriguing.  With F, it was sexy; her body bucking into the brush, her gasped when I licked it off her.

I made her tell me what she wanted. I made her ask over and over again.  You could say that I made her beg.  It got to the point where she could have asked me almost anything, and I’d have gladly said yes.  I mean, I was still in “charge” of course, but we all know the bottom is always in control

Finally, I fucked her, and went down on her as she fucked my face, bucking up against me until she came. Hard. I kept licking, and then without missing a beat (ok, that’s a lie. I’m sure I was awkward and had to scrounge around to find it), I grabbed my Liv vibe, and turned it on, holding it against her already sensitive clit, my fingers still inside, fucking her.  She’s never had a vibe used on her (hasn’t played much with sex toys…and is now fucking me.  Poor thing!), and I wasn’t sure how she’d feel about it. I love teasing her, and I love making her come – the vibe was double the trouble, double the fun!  While I got some constructive criticism, I think she enjoyed it…because she came again.  I can’t wait to play with more toys with her (hitachi perhaps? pure wand?)

Then I untied her. We cuddled for a bit, and I slowly felt her shift on top of me. I turned to jelly – I wanted her to take me, NOW.

She then fucked me, and again, it was really good.  Sex with her is some of the better I’ve had. I don’t know if it’s because we’re friends AND fucking, or if we’re starting to get to know each other’s bodies better, or if it’s just chemical.  But hot damn my friends, hot damn. 

Eventually, we fell asleep.  I woke up to the alarm – she was still sleeping.  Ever so quietly and ever so sneakily, I crawled under the covers, gently spreading her legs, being ever so careful to not wake her up. And then without any foreplay or rigamorale (very different for me), I lowered my tongue to her clit, and began to lick, nibble, suck and basically, go to town. Can I just say that I was so wet as I began this? Brilliant plan!

It wasn’t long before she started to wake.  I mean really, wouldn’t you wake up if I was between your legs too? She reached down, putting her hands on my shoulders, her touch an instant connection, even though I couldn’t see her. I have this thing about touch.  I stayed like that, under the covers, until I started fucking her as I licked her, and she pulled the covers off. And that’s how it was until she came. At one point, she pushed so hard into me that I fell off the bed and finished fucking her from my knees. Amazing.

Can I just say that this was one of the hottest things I’ve ever done?  And I’ve done a lot of things…but god, just seeing her sleeping, and waking her up with me between her thighs was so incredible.

At one point, when she was fucking me (the night? the morning?) she held onto my thighs so tightly so I couldn’t get away from her tongue. She just kept going (energizer bunny?) and going. I tried to get away; I hit my head on the wall a few times, and by the time she was done fucking me, I was LITERALLY halfway off the bed, hanging upside down.  I opened my eyes.

“Wow. You just fucked me so hard you turned my world upside down.”

“Hmm.  Or maybe you’re just hanging upside down off the side of the bed.”

“Oh yeah. That might be it.” (Again, I shouldn’t be allowed to talk for 20 minutes after sex)

There is so much sex…it’s starting to blur together.  I don’t remember when she had almost her whole hand inside me (stuck at the thumb bone), but it felt like the universe was inside me, and imploding at the same time.

I love that we cuddle.  Not everyone cuddles.  I love that she kisses and bites my neck enough to make it super tender, but not quite enough to leave dark bruises. I love that she clearly has a dominant side, but is nervous about hurting me, so I’ll have to nurture it and bring it out of her. Right now, I just really love this.

This may last another day, week or month…or more. I don’t know. But this exact moment in time, I am so happy, so content. This is what I’ve wanted, what I’ve been looking for. A friend with benefits who cares about me, has emotions involved, is ok with being open, doesn’t profess their love to me, doesn’t run when I say/do weird things, and communicates.  The fact that the sex is great helps to.  So I don’t know how long I’ll have this, or where it might morph…but right now, I’m just…me. Ecstatic. Satisfied.  Satiated.

-Essin’ Em