Sexuality Happens

So there is this woman I’ve been crushing on. For a little more than two and a half weeks.

I haven’t really written about her because I really enjoy her company, and don’t want to fuck things up…and usually, putting stuff down somehow makes things go wrong (for an example, L).

But I just don’t know. I’m so confused.

She’s more similar to me than most of the people I like, at least in many of the ways that matter to me. She’s kinky (hasn’t tried as much stuff as I have, but is open to things…and while at karaoke one night, she definitely put her hand in my hair and pulled. Jesus). She believes in open relationships, and that there is more than one person on there for us. She and I can talk about sex without it being an embarrassing thing. We both like edge play. We both like bondage. Sexually, I think we’d be a very very very good match (and I thought that with K too, and that clearly was true).

Personality wise, she is fun, witty, amusing, interesting. She makes me question myself and think deep thoughts like K, but also makes me smile and laugh like L, and I can be completely myself around her like few people in my life.

She makes me nervous. I don’t know why – she makes me stammer, or blush, or look away. Not because of anything she does or says…I don’t know why.

I feel comfortable around her, I feel safe. I feel like she won’t laugh at me (but will laugh with me), like she won’t discount me because of something I say. I can’t cry in front of her, but I don’t cry in front of people in general, so what’s new?

She’s musician. Yeah, I know. It’s not a fetish – I don’t think I’ve actually ever dated or fucked a musician…it’s just something prevalent in my life right now. Her voice is phenomenal. I’ve gone to karaoke with her twice, and I actually liked how she sang this one Tool song better than the original. Listening to her is genius.

So the problem(s), because clearly there are some, as no one is perfect….she (at least in the times I’ve hung out with her) drinks quite a bit. Not like a handle of rum like J, but also not like one or two drinks. Granted, she’s been having a hard time in her life right now, AND she doesn’t drink and drive, but as someone who drinks only occasionally and not to get drunk, I don’t want this to be a repeat of my time with J…she also smokes pot (but I don’t think she deals it, unlike J), and honestly, it’s Colorado. I think I have very few, if any friends who don’t smoke pot, other than myself.

The other problem; she’s in love with her ex. She’s told me this, she talks about how she wants to get over her. It seems her ex is doing a lot of what J did – “I don’t want you in my life, let’s be friends. I need you, but now I need to cut off all contact. We’re broken up, but here, let’s cuddle/make out.” I know how hard it is to break out of that cycle. It took me what, from November to May to really get over all that drama, so I get it, I do. AND I’m not a jealous person…I’d be ok with something happening between us, even if she IS in love with her ex. And even if she is fucking other people. I mean, in an open anything you have, you need to talk and communicate, both for physical and emotional safety. However, as was the case with L, I don’t want someone who is so enamored with their ex that they realize they cannot be connected to anyone else, in any way, until they figure their shit out.

Either way, I would really like the nurture this friendship. She’s a very interesting person, she makes me think, she allows me to feel vulnerable, she calls me on my bullshit, she makes me crack up, she doesn’t think I’m weird or crazy (or if she does, she’s not running away). She calls and texts me as often as I text her. She reads my myspace blog and comments on it. She suggests going out to things, instead of it just being me. It’s very two sided, something I haven’t really had a lot of…well, ever.

However, I’d also really like to fuck her.

My concern is whether I just let the friendship grow, or try to make a move/get her to make a move. a) if option #2, am I ruining the possibility for a friendship? and b) if something comes out of this, something more than friendship, am I setting myself up for hurt again? I’m not looking for anything serious, but I am looking for more than one night of sex. I’m kind of over having sex with people once or twice. I’d like to have a longer term fuck buddy/friend with benefits, so we can get to know each other (on both a friendly and fucking level) more, etc.

I don’t even know what this post is saying or asking. I haven’t really talked to anyone about this, other than Twitter, so I’m just looking for some feedback, in general.

Das ist alles….

-Essin’ Em