Sexuality Happens

Last Friday night was the derby bout of the month; Denver Roller Dolls (my league) vs. Minnesota Roller Girls. I was reminded of a) how much I love roller derby – the people, the fans, the game, the culture, etc, and b) how much I miss getting to be 100% myself.

The bout itself was awesome.  I brought my fluffy flogger for the intros – it matched my ref shirt and socks so well. I also wore a red and black vinyl skirt (more on this later). I am getting to know more of the women on the league, so it was nice for everyone to say hi to me when I got there and walked around (and it helped that my mini derby crush was there too!).

The game itself was good. Minnesota played a little dirty, but over all, good calls were made, and my box was tight and full of roller girls who came in and out (I ran the penalty box).  DRD won (cause we’re awesome), and there was much celebration.  I had 3 different fans want to take a picture with me, and my head ref said that a couple of people had asked about me (who the hell cares about the refs? Anyways…).

But the thing that makes a derby bout? The after party.  This was hands down the best after party I’ve been to in the more than two years I’ve been in derby.  I went there a little frustrated – F had called. She was going to go play guitar with her friend and therefore was going to miss the game. Ok.  Sad, but fine. She said to call her and she would come to the after party, and then come over. Ok.  Right before the game started, she texted me – she was in a weird space, and wasn’t going to come to the after party…or to my place at all.  I mean, I totally understand – she’s had a really hard few weeks. But derby bouts like this are really only once a month (plus, this was our last travel team (vs. home teams) bout for the season).  And I didn’t have anyone coming for me other than my sister and her AFA boyfriend. So I was kind of in a wonky mood…until the head ref hopped in my car and regaled me with amusing stories as I ate free Chipotle!  

I got to the after party, and started standing in line for a drink. One of the roller girls from DRD who I’d only met a few times (she’s been injured) came over and told me she’d like to buy me drink. And did. Amazing! And then, there is this photo booth there, from one of our sponsors.  Basically, for FREE, you can take sets of of 4 photos with anyone you want (similar to a real photo booth, but free, and not only do you get a print out, but they post them online too).  There were some awesome photos, with a variety of people.

And then there was the dance floor.  As many of you know, I LOVE to dance. However, I have a different “style” of dancing…and in Philly, while a couple of people told me I was awesome, overall, people usually look at me like I have 4 heads.  Not here – the derby girls were rocking it out, and people were dancing all sorts of crazy ways, and I felt like I fit right in.  The best moment of the whole night was when there were about 20 rollers girls and refs on stage dancing, and we all did the Hammer dance to Can’t Touch This IN UNISON. Spontaneously.  It was brilliant!

The amusing part was my skirt.  Apparently, vinyl skirts just beg for people to hit your ass.  I had one of the roller girls and her cute girlfriend spanking me quite a bit, and then, everyone wanted in on the action. I was spanked by no less than 25 different people throughout the night (horrible, I know) — both cheeks of course (I am a little OCD), and multiple times by some. Let’s just say that I was a little bruised the next morning, but I LOVED it.  Spanking free-for-all on Essin’ Em’s ass? Hurray!

I danced up on stage for a bit (made a dollar).  At one point, I was trying to get off the stage without landing on my ankle, and a guy in a leather trenchcoat and blue glasses (inside?) grabbed my hand and helped me down.  He whispered in my ear “I think you’re really hot and sexy.” I told him thank you very much, and made to leave.  Here is the resulting conversation:

Him: “Can I call you?”

Me: “Um. Well. Um” (I feel really bad telling anyone no outright, because goodness knows I’ve been rejected enough). Yes. (I put it in his phone) But I may not answer. I usually sleep with female bodied people.”

Him: “That’s cool. You’re a lesbian?”

Me: “Not exactly.”

Him: “So you’re bisexual?”

Me: “No, I’m queer.”

Him: “Which means you’re bisexual.”

Me: “NO. I am queer, and tend to sleep with women.”

Him: “You like men, you like women, you’re bisexual.”

Me: Sigh. “There are more than two options – there is a whole spectrum of gender and identity and I refuse to limit myself to two options.”

Him: “How old are you? 20?”

Me: “This is a 21+ party. And you’re being an idiot.  Please fuck off, thank you.”

And I walked away. I really shouldn’t have given him my number in the first place, but people so rarely ask for it, that when they do, I don’t know how to say no appropriately without being rude. 

Cue more dancing and picture taking. And then this cute girl I’ve met at clubs a few times, and this girl I had sex with showed up. They’d both just been airbrushed at a club down the block, and so clearly I had to remove at least one of their tops.  And bra. And so we stood outside the bar like that (I have a bad habit of taking people’s clothes off).  At one point, I was sandwiched between the two of them, one behind and one in front, and a girl came up to kiss the one in front. I pouted and ask why I was left out, so she kissed me too and left.  Then I wound up kissing the one in front, and when I was done, she looked like she’d been hit with a semi – very dazed.  The one behind asked if she was really drunk, and she shook her head. I said “come off it, I’m not that good of a kisser.” She just smiled. So then the the one behind me turned me around and asked if she could see. So I kissed her too, and then she staggered a little bit.  

“Wow. Um. Yeah. Wow.”  Verdict? Apparently, I’m a good kisser. Enough to make people lose speech and become weak in the knees.  Jealous yet?

Through out all of this, there was much spanking occurring.  I was being spanked, I was spanking people (dear god – my forearm tendons were so sore for DAYS).  At some point, I was back on the stage dancing yet again, and felt someone tap my ankles – a Minnesota Roller Girl was dancing through my legs on the floor, and another one up behind me. MN was without a doubt the best after party team EVER. Especially on the their way out, when I took about half of their motorboating virginity (apparently, my breasts are amazing for motorboating….)

Another highlight? I’ve found myself a Colorado derby wife – we proposed to each other on our knees out in front of the bar after we shut the bar down. And are now married.  I also had a guy come up to me and tell me I’m a fucking dancing QUEEN. That’s right – queen. And the girl I had sex with previously told me I was amazing in bed.  Oh, and that one roller girl bought me another drink. Talk about a confidence boost…all night long!

However, one thing that I wasn’t used to was the amount attention I had paid to me by straight men. Some of them obsessively.  I went to walk one of the dolls to get a cab, and he followed me “where are you going?” I told him stay. And he did. But it was kind of creepy.  How come women don’t pay that kind of attention to me? Le sigh.

I got walked to my car by the two women from before. And spanked some more. And then I hopped in and drove off…I really had no legitimate interest in hooking up with anyone that night (crazy I know!…Well, except for that roller girl and her girlfriend. I would have accepted an invitation to that).  I got home, and was already sore from the dancing and the spankings, so even though it was 4am (roller girls do it all night, ok?), I put on a suit, and headed down to the hot tub. It felt amazing, AND they fixed the jets…so well, you know what had to happen.  And it did :)  And then it was to bed with me.

Roller derby is an amazing sport, culture, group of people, everything.  I’m so glad it’s been part of my life, and will continue to be.

-Essin’ Em