Things I do that don’t mean I’m in love with you
To clarify this title, doing these things doesn’t mean I’m *not* in love with you, they just don’t mean that *am*. See, I’m a friendly outgoing person. And see, I remember lots of little details. And I care about people I like/am friends with. So I do everything I can to improve their lives. This includes both my friends, and people I’m crushing on/fucking/fuck buddies with, etc. It includes people who I am glad are in my life.
And then often times, I scare them off. Because people think that these little things I do mean I’m in love/falling in love/wanting a relationship. No no no. It’s just who I am, what I do. And one of the things I do is all the littles things I can.
Ergo:
Things I do that don’t mean I’m in love with you:
*Stock my freezer with your favorite ice cream/my fridge with your favorite drinks
*Make you a mix CD
*Text you good luck
*Give you a ride/multiple rides
*Tell you my phone is always on if you need to talk/need help
*Offer to help you out with promoting your band/with your job/with a family thing/with fixing your ______/with anything (unless I’m offering to help you fix the sexual tension, and then it should be fairly obvious I want to fuck you)
*Ask you to go out dancing with me
*Cook you lunch/dinner
*Mix you a delicious drink
*Cuddle with you because one or both of us have skin hunger
*Show up at your concert/art show/sporting event to support you
*Take you out for your birthday/special occasion/because you need cheering up
*Introduce you to my best friends/other friends/my mother/my sister because they are at the same store/concert/event that we are
*Take care of you when you’re sick/drunk/heart broken
*Rent your favorite movie so we can watch it and I can “get” you a little bit more
*Check out some of your favorite music
*Offer to test out some sex toys with you that I need to review
*Give you a name/letter in my blog
*Let you meet my cats
*Accept your offer of help on something I need help with
*Talk to you about what you like sexually
*Give you a back massage
*Pick you up at the airport
*Make friends with your friends (if they’re your friends, they must be pretty cool, right?)
*Call you after an important event/appt/meeting to check in
*Change your tire/teach your how to check your air pressure/check your oil/fill your fluids.
*Etc, etc, etc.
IE:
Dear past, present, and future friends/partners/fuck buddies and crushes (unrequited or other wise);
I do these things because YOU ARE A PERSON I LIKE AND WANT TO MAKE LIFE BETTER FOR YOU. It DOES NOT mean I’m in love with you. So please stop panicking and talk to me instead…kthnkby.
-Essin’ Em
PS. A side note. I have a good memory. A damn good memory – I was a theatre person. So just because I remember your sister’s name, or the story you told me about when you were two, or your dream vacation spot, it doesn’t mean I’m in love with you.
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See, all of those things (with the exception of the sex toy reviews) are things I do/would do for _any_ of my good friends. Some of ‘em I’d even do for acquaintances. *shrug* The sex toy review thing I’d even do with a select few of my friends.
If people would communicate their concerns more, things would be easier. It seems like it’s not in human nature to do that, though…I’m guilty of it on occasion as well. I hope things get straightened out for ya.
“Offer to test out some sex toys with you that I need to review.”
Okay, now THAT’S a mixed message!
Ronald – but is it though? Can’t I test out toys with someone I’m attracted to, and want to fuck, but do not love? Or someone I’m not in love with? :) I didn’t say I did these things ONLY for friends, only that they don’t mean I’m in love!
Holy hell you’re a good friend. A rocking one at that.
But do you believe in love? Do you believe that you should be with one main partner (with possible secondary partners per your discretion), or do you think you’re destined to be alone?
If someone did a lot of those things for me, such as stocking the fridge with their ice cream and massaging me and cuddling with me, I would begin to blur the lines between sex and love as well. Sex is sex, but to me, when you mix tenderness in with it, I begin to feel as though that person wants me for more than just sex. Maybe it’s different for men/women than it is for women/women?
Randi – I do believe in love, but I don’t think you can love only one person; either in general or in a life time. I can’t have sex without any tenderness – there has to be something, but in my world, tenderness doesn’t equal love – it equals caring, and I am a caring person.
This is not to say that when I love someone, I don’t do these things…I continue to do so, but they are not the definition of love to me.
Haha, I think that list might be a sign you need to rethink what love exactly is, and what precisely you’re expecting to track down besides that which has driven you to do the things on that list. Because it pretty well read like a list of “the signs,” maybe even to the point of satire-and I can’t think of much else that need go on there to fill it out. Just my .02. Someone stocks my ice cream and then cuddles? Bingo.
I also have to admit, when I first read this post, I kinda thought it was meant to be ironic, maybe even a little tongue-in-cheek. Similar to what Z said- I almost got the impression you were writing a satirical piece!
Anyway, it’s not my place to assume the intent behind the post. And I do think it happens a lot in relationships where mis-interpretations are made and expectations aren’t ever very clear. But baby, if you did all of those things in that list for me, I’d fall in love with you regardless! I mean, how could one *not* want to love a person who treats the people in their life so beautifully? =)
I am trying to think of someone who I’ve called a friend and has does all those things for me. I have to say I can’t.
Either you go much farther out of the way than most people I know…or I need better friends.
Z – Or perhaps YOU need to rethink what love is. I didn’t say I didn’t love these people – some of them I do (like my best friends), some of them I don’t…but it doesn’t mean I’m “in love” with them. I cuddle with lots of friends platonically…hell, if you were my friend, I’d stock your favorite ice cream although I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t have sex with you, none the less fall in love with you. It’s just who I am.
Pagankinkstress – That was incredibly sweet :) Don’t suppose you’re anywhere near Colorado? Wink wink.
Molly – Maybe somewhere in the middle. I know I do more than most people, but maybe your friends should be doing more too?
Some of the items on your list *do* blur boundaries–and I speak from personal experience. You know, if we were friends or fuck-buddies, and you did *all* of those things, I would probably start falling in love with you because you seem generally wonderful and very sexy, and I would think that there were definite grounds to feel that it was reciprocated. If somebody panicked on you, it would probably means that they assumed you were falling in love but had intimacy issues or did not feel like they could be “in love” with you.
The boundaries between people are always fluid and often difficult to understand. I’ve found that direct conversations are necessary to establish boundaries and expectations. I can see how somebody might interpret your actions not as you intended, but if you have a healthy enough relationship, you should be able to reach a mutual understanding by talking it out. And you should definitely talk to whoever panicked and inspired this post. If they don’t get it after that, you don’t need them in your life.
But, I must say, I identify with the conflict that I assume is at the heart of how unusually giving and affectionate you are in your sexual and non-sexual friendships. Might it have anything to do with item #95 in your “About Me” section?
“95. Deep down inside, as much as I hate to admit it, I want someone to really love me. But I’ve built up a wall, because I’m scared of it (and more so, of it never happening), which keeps me from pursuing this. Instead, I have friends with benefits, one nighters, and short (yet meaningful) relationships. Maybe this is for the best.”
I used to feel the same way, and I treated special people in my life in much the same way you describe. Eventually, I realized that I was leaving things blurry because I wanted love but was unsure about whether I could experience it and scared that was impossible for me. It’s been a long journey, but defining the boundaries of my relationships more sharply has been the most rewarding experience of my life. And, about a year ago, I met somebody who loves and accepts me just as I am (and is just as kinky to boot!). I don’t think there’s only one person out there for us, and I know that you can and will have love if you decide that you want and deserve it.
So, I don’t know if that describes you or is just a projection of my own experiences onto yours, but it might be worth thinking about.
I love this post. :)
Seriously and honestly and truly – why do people get so fuckin’ freaked out about love? I love lots of people. And because I love them, I go out of my way to help them or make them comfortable when I can.
I also don’t have sex with people who I don’t care about; who I don’t have *some* kind of emotional attachment to. That doesn’t mean I’m IN love with them.
I’m certainly not looking for the diamond ring or the commitment.
I think a LOT of people need to rethink what love is.
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