You Are Beautiful Tonight
I chose this picture (although it’s almost 4 years old) because I think I look beautiful in it. Not pretty, not hot, not sexy, not adorable, not quirky, not different, but honest to god beautiful. Ergo, a beautiful HHNT to you all!
So F has been part of many of my firsts.
My first time getting a hand inside me.
My first time really sleeping through the night with someone (I don’t even wake up at all in the middle of the night any more).
My first time coming from riding her face.
My first time grinding a woman while riding her.
My first time having sex with glasses on.
My first time being spanked with a plaid skirt on (can you believe it’s taken this long???)
My first woman I’ve topped without making her cry.
My first time waking a woman up with oral.
My first time using a knife on someone.
My first time using wax on someone.
All of this in three times of sex (I say times, loosely. Because when we have sex, it’s usually for a few hours at night, and then a quicky or two in the morning). Wow. I know.
But more over, F is the first person I’ve slept with who has made me feel beautiful. Not only is she the first person I’ve had sex with who has told me I am beautiful, she’s the first person who has honest to goodness made me *feel* beautiful.
From M, I didn’t except anything like that; she told me her fuck buddy was stressing her out because she told M that “she just wanted someone to tell her that she was pretty” (and a boat load of other things). I didn’t need M to tell me I was pretty – I needed M to fuck me, and to make me laugh, and to laugh with me.
C is beautiful, and an amazing person. Our time together was more of self-discovery for me, and at the time, that’s what I needed. I needed her to let me open up and be me, and expand.
I think I would have fallen to the floor if K had told me I was beautiful. That just wasn’t him at all, and I think if he’d told me that, I would have look at him very suspiciously, wondering what was behind the sentiment. I needed K to experience many kink things I hadn’t found someone to do with me yet, I needed K to trust, I needed K to give permission, and to tell me what to do, and at one point, to slap me across the face.
Dana and Miss Avarice were fun – I think we needed each other for fun, for experimentation, for something new :)
The woman at the Swinger’s club needed me. She needed to be with a woman, to experience something different, to open up that bisexual/queer side of her, to understand herself more. I didn’t feel like I needed or got anything out of it, but she did, and that made me happy. No way I could expect her to tell me I’m beautiful.
There was J. J told me I was pretty, hot, sexy. J made me feel sexy…without any doubt. I felt like a ferociously sexy Femme, no question. But I don’t think he ever told me I was beautiful, and I definitely never felt it. That was ok. I realize in hindsight that most of our relationship was based in sex/sexuality; having it, and discussing it. And I’m pretty sure I’m not beautiful when I’m between someone’s legs, fucking them, or tied up, or waking up with bedroom hair. Sexy, perhaps, but not beautiful.
But F does tell me that, and not just while on a post-orgasm endorphin high. We sat on the couch talking the other night, and she looked at me, and told me I was beautiful. I paused. My instincts were to look away and laugh, or to reply with “sometimes” like I usually do. But I felt different. I looked at her and said thank you. It felt a little awkward. It’s interesting which compliments I have no trouble taking (“What a smart idea!” “Em, you’re incredibly creative” “You are completely unique”), and which ones make me freeze and search for a response (“You’re beautiful/gorgeous/stunning/sexy” “I like being around you” “I’m so glad I’m with you right now).
I don’t know what it says about me, that it’s taken more than two decades to feel beautiful. I certainly don’t feel it all the time. But once in while, now, just maybe, when F says it, maybe I’ll believe her.
Because I know she’s fucking beautiful. Amazing. Stunning. Inside and out. I want to tell her that all the god damn time.
-Essin’ Em
39 Comments so far
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That IS a very beautiful picture. All of your pictures and you is beautiful.
And a beautiful HNT to you too! I keep staring at the picture expecting you to move. It’s like I want to know what happens next. I really like the b&w too.
And how wonderful that you’ve got someone in your life who really makes you feel beautiful. Lovely feeling isn’t it?
What?! You think you are beautiful…you don’t have to think, YOU are BEAUTIFUL and sexy! ;)
Love your F list…HappyHNT!
Not to jinx it or anything.. but I have a feeling the kind of relationship you may want out of a person.. is right at your fingertips. You’d be surprised at how they just pop out of nowhere and how everything you’d been expecting from someone actually can be a reality once in a while.
Anyhow, you are beautiful and if I never said it to you directly.. it’s definitely something I’ve said before
J was right.
very pretty!!
HHNT
You know, you say that you don’t want a long relationship with someone, but it sounds more and more like you and F are getting just that close…
It is *very* beautiful.
Duh. Im sorry. YOU are very beautiful. I meant the picture was, but with out specifying that my comment seemed wrong.
happyHNT
We are all beautiful in some way. We all need someone to recognise that. So glad you have found someone to show you that truth. Happy HNT.
This post, your words, your expressions, your photo – all beautiful.
xx Dee
Hey there :)
I’ve been reading ’round your blog for a couple of days since my boyfriend pointed me towards it, and I like it :). Lots of good reads in there… I’ve been enjoying it.
One thing has puzzled me though, and I guess it might be cause I’m not a native speaker of English… what does HNT stand for? I’ve been trying to use google to figure it out, and I am usually quite savvy finding info online, but all I can come up with is Hostage Negotiation Team, and the fact that it’s the shorthand for one of the human genes… ;-)
Lena -
It has nothing to do with your language – it’s just an interwebs term – stands for Half Nekkid (naked) Thursday. http://www.osbasso.blogspot.com :)
Thanks to everyone else for your nice comments!
-EE
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Sounds reasonable.