Lost
I can’t remember where I read it…but someone the other day said something about the long it is that you don’t have job, the harder it is to get one. It’s hard to wake up in the morning to sit at the computer sending out dozens of resumes and cover letters in hopes that SOMEONE responds.
It’s not worth it to put on clothes somedays. I was doing so good about going to the gym, but my knees have been really hurting lately, so I’m not being as good about that. There are days, like Sunday, where I sleep till 3 or 4pm, and then sit naked on my couch…reading/writing/watching Buffy and/or crime shows. I have no motivation.
I was in a car accident last Friday, on the way to a job interview for a receptionist position. I was late. I think the interview went well anyways. It pays less than I’ve made in two years, starts at 8am, and would be boring. The woman who interviewed me repeatedly told me how overqualified I am for this position. I told her I knew. But I am praying I get it (I find out Thursday or Friday), because it comes with insurance, and because it’s a job. On my way out, I was pooped on by a bird.
I had my car towed, and picked up a rental. $500 deductible and further increase in insurance that I can’t afford. I can’t afford to pay my rent…how am I supposed to pay for this? I then applied at a local 50′s themed diner. I have been explicitly told by my doctor that under no circumstances am I allowed to work a job where I’m on my feet for more than 20-30 minutes at a time (hence not applying for retail or waiting jobs). I gave up. I need the money. They called me to schedule an interview for Saturday morning at 8:30am. In the morning. After the championship bout and after party. I said yes.
I went home. It was so hard to do anything…and a few hours later, I had to get dressed for derby. It was so hard to put on a cute yet ridiculous outfit. To do my make-up and hair. To sit in the traffic on the freeway, trying to pump myself up for the game. After the game, I left the after party early, using the excuse of my interview. But really, my legs hurt so much in general, and my entire body hurt from the accident. And I felt angry and upset and lost, and like I was viewing my life from someone else’s eyes.
I got the waiting job. I’m supposed to start training at 3pm on the 28th. I would start this job knowing that everyday I worked, I would go home in pain. And would be icing my knees after every shift, and when I woke up every morning. And knowing that I would probably only be able to work a month, two at tops, before the pain became too much, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. It’s a fun restaurant, yes. Best I could hope for waiting tables (tattoos ok, they might let me re-dye my hair to red, etc), but it would be VERY short term. And no insurance. I’m hoping the other job calls me this week to off the the position. I need one or the other badly.
I feel like I’m giving up. I feel myself sliding back into the depression that almost consumed me and tried to take my life my first year of college. I need a hand to grab me.
I have no more energy. I barely want to write for this blog anymore (sometimes), and for the last two years, this blog has been the love of my life. I just want to sleep. And sleep. I pet my cats sometimes. I look at boxes that need to be emptied, laundry that needs to be done, dishes that need to be washed. And I just don’t care anymore. I feel so far gone that it doesn’t matter what I wear, or what I eat, or if I even wake up.
This isn’t a pity post. Thank you all for your wonderful comments each and everyday. I don’t need to be told to “hold on.” I’m not going to do anything. I just.
I need…something. I need money, I need my car back, I need a job, I need knee replacements, yes.
But moreso, I need someone, or someones to pull me out of this. To save me from drowning in this sea of depression I seem to be swimming it. I can’t afford medicine, so please don’t suggest that. I try to get out and do things, but slowly, it seems like more and more of my friends are becoming busier and busier, as my life becomes more and more boring and meaningless. I feel like I have nothing to offer…except for when I feel like I’m being used.
I just feel so lost.
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Maybe there isn’t anything I can say that will offer you comfort and hope. It’s hard financially for a lot of people at the moment (myself included) and getting caught in the head lights of that, of the worst case scenarios, can paralyze you. When that heppens you can get caught in a vicious circle because you become less able to do the things that will make your situation and your mental health better. I think it helps to focus on today (getting paralyzed by what may happen tomorrow means that you don’t deal with the here and now)and checking on exactly what those worst case scenarios are. Are they the very, very worst things that could happen to you after all? Lastly, talking about it is a must, so keep on doing that here and wherever you can. I’d glady offer a hand to help “pull you out”, email me if you want to (queerrose@gmail.com). QRx
Having been out of a job for the last 15 months I empathise (this was after working for the same company for 19 months and taking the risk of moving to a part of the country where there are far fewer opportunities for me etc..). This past week I got confirmation in the mail, that yes, a check for my pension would be coming to me…you see, Ihad to cash out my pension in order to keep paying my bills. I’m very lucky to have medical coverage, given that both my wife and I have serious medical issues, but it’s COBRA and that will end too…So, at the moment, I can’t offer up funds which you could probably need more than any words (btw, several medical companies have programs to help folks like you get medications and I know my local Walgreens has a program too).
If you need the ear of someone to talk to or a shoulder, I am here for you. We’ve exchanged some direct email so just drop me a note and I’ll send you my cel phone number…
I hope things work out for the better real soon now….
hugs,
Jerry
[...] Lost(21 October 2008) I can8217t remember where I read it8230but someone the other day said something about the long it is that you don8217t have job, the harder it is to g… [...]
I hear you, sister. Times are rough, and I’ve been in my own personal hell more often than not lately. Sometimes the length of stay of dishes in the sink is like a thermometer.
Sometimes I feel like I couldn’t get through life without my therapist. And, however down I feel now, I know that a year and a half of being in therapy has helped me grow and come in to my self. I know that the depressions I underwent two years ago are no longer possible.
I don’t know how it is in your neck of the woods, but in NYC there are many, many low-cost, sliding scale ($5-15) sessions you can get. Even if it’s short-term, even if it’s not the perfect therapist, even if there’s a waiting period, I think a therapist is the only “someone” who can help you right now.
I’m sure you’re wonderful at internet research. I bet you can find cheap therapy in your area in less than 30 minutes.
When things are this shitty, they can only get better, right?
It is hard to be hopeful when you are in a situation like that. I was jobless last year, so I know how it feels to be hopeless and feel that desperation. When I got a job finally, it was for a very low wage and I had to drive over an hour every day. Basically the cost of gas was taking away my paycheck, so it didn’t pay to go to work. Ironic. Finally, I got a job this summer that I love, that pays well, and that is close to home. It took 5 years of working shitty jobs to finally get this one. Sometimes it is hard to keep the faith, but one thing is certain, that things do always change. Keep the faith and don’t give up.
BTW- a bird pooping on you is a sign of good luck in many cultures.
Hey, we don’t know each other, but I read your stuff a lot, and I wanted to let you know that there the Obama campaign is trying really to find people to work with them . Maybe look there?
Also, you could check for jobs with the city. They usually have stuff open year round
My heart goes out to you.
I quit a job just over a year ago. A job that had slowly become so demoralizing that it was literally making me sick. I decided to venture into self-employment, including a complete career change. The biggest plus was that I had a fair amount of savings, and a 401K for emergencies.
I was slammed with depression as soon as I quit. This depression has hobbled my progress. I’ve had a modest measure of slow success, but after more than seven months of trying to dig myself out of this emotional hole, I dragged myself to a sliding-scale-fee therapist. Not suggesting this for you — it’s just what I had to do. I am starting to get better, s-l-o-w-l-y.
Your words sound all-too familiar to me. I cannot offer much more than empathy and moral support, as I live far from you, and my funds are still dwindling. But I enjoy reading your posts. You’re an excellent writer in general, and you write really HOT erotica. Please keep writing, and don’t give up on yourself! I’m amazed at all the things you do, in spite of your knee problems.
I know about depression. Oy, do I. I also know about not wanting to or not being able to afford to be on medication. What helps me is to make a few lists. I make a list of everything that I am having a hard time with and that’s controlling my life. Then, from that list, I write a list about the things that I can change and how I can control the situation. Then I make a third list about the ones that things I can’t control. I usually find that list is much shorter than I think it will be. Then I rip up the “can’t control” list and leave it to the universe and start working on my “can control” list. It helps to give me direction as well as to feel better about the world.