The Crying Game
I’ve written a lot in the past 6 months or so about crying. For a while, I was afraid I was broken. I was so cautious about not letting other people see me cry that it got to the point where I just couldn’t truly cry. I could feel the emotion. I could feel by chest contracting, like my heart, lungs and rib cage were being squeezed. I could feel my breathing getting ragged. I could feel my shoulders tightening. Tears would well up in my eyes, maybe one or two would make it down my cheek. But even when I was alone, I couldn’t full out cry. No sobbing. No sniveling. Nothing. My grandmother died. No sobbing. My car accident; 30 degrees outside with tears running down my cheeks and freezing. No sobbing. I thought I had turned myself off and gone so far inside myself that I’d never be able to truly cry again.
And then I did. The damn burst and the water flowed free…while driving K and I home from dinner…on the freeway. Remember reading about it? Since then, I haven’t really cried again.
Being in a friendship/relationship with F has opened the flood gates. She is more in touch with her feelings and emotions than anyone I have ever met in my life. I don’t think that it’s a bad thing…it’s just different.
We haven’t had sex in almost two weeks. And only once in the last three or four. She has a lot of stuff going on in her life, and her way of handling it is by processing it her way…and her body is not ready for sex. Which is ok. It’s just hard…to go from seeing her every (or almost every) day, having her spend almost every night at my place, getting hot sex and cuddling on a regular basis, etc…to seeing her once, maybe twice a week, and barely even kissing.
But what I’m missing in kissing, cuddling and sex, I’m making up for in crying. I can cry in front of F. I hate it. I HATE crying in front of people. I cannot, will not, absolutely refuse to cry in front of most people. In the past 6 or 7 years, my two best friends have seen me cry. And K. And F. And J over the phone. That’s about it. L too, when I hurt my ankle, but that’s a whole different story.
I am an over-sharer. In graduate school, everyone made fun of me for always talking about my feelings and reactions to things. Even the professors joked about how much I loved affective “touchy-feeley” learning, and wasn’t a bit fan of the cognitive stuff. Exes and friends (past and present) have joked about my over-validation of feelings and identities, and tell me I should go to a campfire and sing kumbayah.
But for once, I’m met my match. F wants me to share everything I’m feeling. She constantly asks me what I’m feeling or thinking, especially in deep and/or emotional conversations. It’s hard. I’m not used to telling people the little things that frustrate or bother me. And when I do, I do it in an off hand or joking manner to try and diffuse it…which F seems to read as sometimes being negative, condescending, etc. Maybe it does come off that way, but I certainly don’t mean it. I just…am like that.
I am not going to change who I am. I am trying to open up more. I am trying to be ok with crying in front of her. I am trying not to sound so caustic with my retorts while in serious conversation. I am trying.
The other night, we had a bit of a heated conversation after karaoke, while standing on the street. She left, and I broke down. Sobbing. Leaning up against a concrete pillar. I was angry. Here I was, crying. I was sharing my feelings – hell, I was sharing them with the whole neighborhood. I was angry – she’d been so adamant about me sharing and bringing up things, and now I was upset, and she was gone. I started walking after her…she was a block ahead of me. I walked as quickly as I could without running, never stopping crying. A guy across the street yelled something snappy about me making faster moves than he did. I kept walking. F started running. I don’t know if she was upset, or was trying to get away from me, or if it was cold, and she was trying to warm up and get to her car faster. I don’t know. I called her as I walked. She picked up. ”Stop running. I can’t run. And these shoes are killing me.” I hung up. Another block and I reached her. I didn’t know what to say, but kept crying. She put her arms around me, and held me as I sobbed and heaved and cried and concerned passerbys. I wanted to collapse and curl into a ball, but between my knee problems, and being outside on cold concrete, I decided against it. She just held me as I cried, walked me back to her car, turned on her heat, and waited as I cried. We talked a little. Listened to some music. Talked some more.
I’ve cried more in the past two month than I probably have in the last two or three or four years. It’s crazy. Yes, it is good I’ve found someone I trust enough to cry in front of. I think it’s my ultimate show of trust; the gift (or curse) of getting to actually see me cry.
I appreciate the need for communication and talking about feelings. However, it’s hard for me to be some completely open and vulnerable…period. None the less with a) someone I’ve know closely for only 2 months, and b) someone who I like and am scared may stop liking me (as irrational a fear as it is, it IS a fear I have).
So it’s a slow march. I’m working on sharing more, being last sarcastic, not hurting her feelings accidently. I’m meeting her halfway. I will never be as free and open as she is – I’m just not her, which we’ve both said is ok. But I AM trying.
And at the very least, she’s “lucky” enough to see me cry.
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[...] The Crying Game(15 October 2008) I8217ve written a lot in the past 6 months or so about crying. For a while, I was afraid I was broken. I was so cautious about not letting other peopl… [...]
You wrote: “HATE crying in front of people. I cannot, will not, absolutely refuse to cry in front of most people.”….to which my inclination would be to ask why ? I suspect it’s more of “will not” than “can not” as you’ve shown (given the rest of what you had to say) and you do a good job of leading a “self examined life” as you go on to describe some of the why’s….I used to never cry either….but for some reason, when I went to see Field Of Dreams (no, damn it, it’s not a baseball movie, it’s a movie about father’s and sons!) I somehow connected and the dam burst right in the movie theatre…..that was my stepping off point to learn that it’s ok to feel, cry, be vulnerable etc….I’m glad you have started this journey, and yes, it’s a journey. Good luck. *hugs*
I’ve always said that if we weren’t supposed to cry, tear ducts wouldn’t spring up when we’re upset. I’m in the “crying is okay” camp, as you know from personal experience.
The way I see it, if you do it reflexively (as opposed to on purpose) it relieves stress and tends to bring out the best (or at least the most honest side) of those around you. If people belittle you or tell you to “buck up and take it” if you indulge in the occasional cry in an appropriately discreet setting, they should check themselves.
When the sex slowed in my relationship I started cooking and eating. Oh man, I gained SO much weight when we moved to Virginia and we both started new jobs. We had sex hardly ever, I mean weeks and a month here and there. I used food as my addiction rather than sex or crying- it became my comfort and my vice.
I used to hate to cry, it left me feeling vulnerable and I hated when people would see me like that; as if I came off as some poor, stranded deer caught in headlights or some damsel in distress that needed saving. I don’t need saving, I’m a perfectly able bodied woman but goddamn, it just feels nice to have a pair of arms wrapped around me when my body is racked with sobs. I’ll admit that when I’m alone and I cry I feel so much better afterwards. I’m the type of person that likes to cram all those feelings deep down inside until they literally burst. When I met my husband I had years worth of repressed emotions that just sprung forth when I was pregnant with our son. It was the most emotional time in my life, not only did I have to deal with a changing body but I had to deal with all the hormones that made me just shoot water from my eyes.
Let yourself go, if you feel comfortable in your relationship even if you aren’t seeing as much of each other as you’d like, feel free to let yourself go every once in a while. Crying is nothing to be ashamed of and the right person will find it a turn-on rather than a turn-off because you’re able to express yourself with them which may lead to a more fulfilling relationship. If couples are doomed to fail they will but partners should always live in the moment. Never think towards the future with the idea of “if I cry, will they think I’m ridiculous and leave?”… just cry. If you don’t cry today or tomorrow with them there will come a time in the future you do and if they reject you then you would have invested more of yourself in your relationship. However, if they accept you now, you won’t have to repress yourself and your emotions and you will have a relationship that can go the distance. Don’t be afraid for them to leave you, not only can I boost your ego by saying you’re one of the most intelligent and sexy women I’ve met online but I can also say that at our age we can afford to let relationships run their course. Don’t stop being Em, don’t change who you are for them. If you’re becoming a person you’re not comfortable with you may be trying to fit their mold but they may be helping you to evolve into the woman you were destined to become. Our past relationships play a huge part in our future ones, don’t chip pieces of yourself away for someone but do encourage yourself to flower and bloom with their guidance.
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