I’ve gotten some comments…on here, via email, and on twitter, from people who seem to be a bit confused. For example, the other night I twittered that I was feeling like a little bit of a booty call, and someone said something about “well, isn’t everything a booty call because you don’t want to be in a relationship?”
I’d like to answer all of these people in one post.
First of all, I never said that I didn’t want a relationship. I find the word relationship to be all encompassing. I have relationships with my family, friends, cats, etc. F and I have a relationship. It was not a one time hook-up, it’s not an “I only see you for sex” type of thing. Our interactions form a relationship. L and I had a relationship of sorts too…relationship DOES NOT EQUAL long term monogamous partner. That is what I am not looking for now, a long term monogamous partner. I’m in a place where I want to be free to explore, and kiss who I want to kiss, and play with people at play parties. I want to be able to say when I think someone is hot. To bring up the possibility of a threesome. I do NOT want to live together. I do not want to be co-dependent. I do not want to have babies (other than kitties). However, this doesn’t mean that I don’t want relationships.
Point two. F and I love each other. We’re not IN LOVE with each other (at least not that I’m aware of). We tell each other we love each other. I also tell my best friends that I love them. I believe that you can love multiple people on multiple levels at multiple points in your life. We had this talk – she agrees (actually, she brought it up). We have no qualms telling each other how much we mean to each other, how beautiful and amazing and wonderful we think each other are. And this is mutual (for anyone that may be thinking this is my bias about how fabulous she is, and I need to understand it’s just sex). In fact, at points, we don’t have sex or a week or two. And then maybe I’ll fuck her, and it’ll be a week or two before I get fucked, and we trade off. Sometimes, we have sex everytime we see each other. We do other things too. We go out to eat, we cook together, we watch movies, I helped her mother move offices, she came to my derby bout, etc. Ergo, no, we are not fuck buddies (although those are fine too, it’s just not what we are). We’re more than that.
On the other hand, neither of us believes in marriage. And we’re both fans of non-monogamy. One night at a party, I watched her make out with someone she thought was cute…and I thought it was super hot. This weekend, at a Fetish Ball, I’m supposed to play with this Domme that both of us think is inordinately hot. She’s excited to watch (or so she says). She’s had sex with someone else. I have that right to as well. Doesn’t mean we do it behind each others backs, and doesn’t mean we don’t talk about it. It’s ok with both of us, and we talk about it. There are probably about 3 people I’d really prefer she didn’t sleep with, just because of previous issues/dynamics. Doesn’t mean that I’d tell her she can’t do it, but it does mean I’d voice my opinion.
We also don’t, and will not ever, live together. We both live on our own, and like that very much. We have our own places, our own cats, our own ways of life. I don’t smoke and rarely drink, and don’t do any drugs. She smokes a little on and off, drinks far more than I do, and smokes pot. Occasionally other things. Living together would be a horrible plan. I’m done living with people. She is too. We spend the night with each other, sometimes days at a time…but have no plans on living together.
Both of us are big on not having a term. She’s more than a fuck buddy, but she’s also adamant she doesn’t want a girlfriend. Now, to me, this is more emotionally and time involved than any relationship I’ve ever been in, so if I was to define it independent of her, I might call her a girlfriend of sorts (we’ve spent more time together and had more sex together than any other person in my life, including J), but she doesn’t like that term right now, and I respect that. The other day, I thought of the term “Lover.” It just seemed right. But then I remembered the last season of L-Word with “and this is my lover, Cindy” and I just can’t think of that this way. My mother knows her as a “woman that I’m seeing….we’re good friends and we sleep together.” The domme knows her as “a woman who lets me play with her and we fuck.” My cats know her as a semi-regular visitor.
To me, she’s just F. She’s amazing, smart, fun, beautiful, witty, sometimes frustrating, always interesting and a fucking juggernaut in bed. Really. Best sex I’ve ever had…over and over and over again. We’ll fuck for hours. When we had a friend film us, we said we’d have a quickie (the battery was dying). 45 minutes later, we were still going. Our friend put the camera down and quietly walked out. We have amazing sex, amazing conversation, and I love being with her, and what we have. Sometimes we have to talk and redefine it, because things in our lives change, and we need to talk about our needs and our wants and how they compare. But all in all, it’s wonderful.
So no, there isn’t only fuck buddies/booty calls vs Long Term Monogamous Relationships/girlfriends. We are what we are…and that’s ok with both of us.
-Essin’ Em28 comments