When is “You Turn Me On” Not a Compliment?
Due to some drama that’s recently gone down in her life (holy hell, ps, dyke drama in Denver is normal dyke drama magnified about 300% – holy guacamole), F asked me the other day when it had become rude and disrespectful for someone to tell you that you were attractive/turned someone one.
I thought about it for a second. In concept, it should always be nice and wonderful to know that people find you amazing/cool/wonderful/nice to look at, etc, and it should be a compliment to be told that something you did/said/are turns someone else on.
Operative words here = SHOULD.
Once I assured her that I was not agreeing with said ex, I went on to explain. When F tells me I’m beautiful, pretty, smart, turning her on, making her horny, etc, I like it. However, if we were broken up (assuming that we were dating in the first place), and I was trying to be “just friends” with her, it would be very hard for me to hear her say that to me. If I’d been the one that had broken it off, I might feel like she was still hanging on to that part of the relationship and maybe needed some more time to figure stuff out before we could really be “just friends.” If she’d been the one that had broken it off, I might feel like she was still stringing me along, or playing me, or wonder if she was trying to get back together. In that case, I think we’d need some time before we got to the point where we could banter about turning each other on, etc. Granted, I tell my friends how attractive they are, but I also don’t want to have sex with the majority of them.
The second case I thought of is the friend who you don’t want to be anything more, and they don’t seem to get it. While I always tell my friends that they are amazing, beautiful, wonderful people (why would I be their friend otherwise?), and while we always joke around about sex/getting it on/etc, if one of them thought I was hitting on them when I wasn’t (or when I was, and they weren’t ok with it), I’d tone it down…I have had guy friends in the best that always told me how they thought I’d be so good in bed, and that it turned them on when I ______…and at a certain point, it started to get on my nerves. I’d explained that I wasn’t looking for boyfriends or bed mates…yet they still kept bringing up having sex with me. Maybe it was in a joking manner, but I got pretty sick of it pretty fast.
The third instance I can think of is when random people are hitting on you. Once is sweet. Twice is nice. After that, I find it fucking annoying. The other night, on the way to/from the fetish ball, and at the diner afterwards, my best friend and I had lots of guys telling us how hot we were. Again, the first time, it’s nice. Then when you tell me you’d like to see what I have underneath the cloak cause it turns you on…fine. But when I’m walking away, and you’re still telling me what you think about how I look/how I’m making you hard/whatever, then it’s not a compliment. It’s creepy, it’s borderline invasive. One guy complimented us in the dungeon upstairs. We smiled and said thanks. Then we walked downstairs and sat at a stage watching the dancers. He sat next to us, and told us against how hot we were. We smiled, thanked him, and I put my arm around my best friend, telling him that “my girlfriend and I appreciate it.” We went back to watching the dancers. He then continued to tell us how our outfits made him hot, and turned him on and blah blah blah. At this point, I’d just tuned him out as a creepy guy objectifying me.
So in general, compliments are almost always welcome and are nice. And I LOVE to know when I turn people one (when F tells me I’m making her wet in this voice she has…I almost come right then and there). However, I feel that it isn’t *always* a compliment, and that sometimes, it’s just not ok/inappropriate.
And that’s your thoughts/rant for the day! What are your thoughts and feelings on this?
-Essin’ Em
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You hit the nail on the head; too much of a good thing can be bad.
A local guy (*coughstalkercough*) I know told me over IM that he wanted to ask me out on a date. When I told him that I was flattered but that I wasn’t interested in dating right now, he said “Oh, okay.”. Soon after (couple of weeks), he said “Boy, I sure wish I could date you”. Odd turn of phrase, but I politely ignored it. This went on once every couple of weeks for a good while, with me either ignoring or flat out saying thanks but no thanks.
Finally he asked if he could come over so he could ‘practice his oral sex skills’. At this point, the ‘block’ button got hit without another word. We were not friends, we were acquaintences; we’d met maybe three times two years ago in a non-sexy way. He probably had technically crossed the line long before, but when it moves from awkward but flattering to downright creepy and in your face, that was it.
I have even less patience with strangers on the street.
I have never understood guys who just go ON and ON and ON even after they’ve been politely rebuffed.
Is there a percentage of girls who eventually get worn down and surrender to the inevitable? Or are these guys just completely clueless and never get any?
Back when I was single, if I chatted up a girl and she wasn’t interested, I like to think I’d back up, change my tack completely and just get chatty and friendly. Even if, deep down, it was because I really, really liked this girl and hoped that she would learn to see my attractive qualities in a non-threatening friendship and finally come around to realising how perfect we’d be together.
But that sort of long-term planning doesn’t work in a bar or a club. But, then again, the girls I was always attracted to were generally worth an extended campaign. And even if i never got anywhere with them, the whole reason I found them attractive in the first place is because they were awesome and isn’t it always great to have awesome friends?
Agreed on all points.
I was trying to explain this to a friend of mine recently, and it was very difficult. I spent a weekend with a good female friend and her male partner where he constantly complimenting me on how sexy I was. Now we’re all polyamorous, so there’s no issue there. But I’ve never so much as hinted that I was interested in him, and this weekend I was very clear that I was taking a break from sex in my life. I could have understood one or two compliments…but bringing my sexuality up every hour felt demeaning to me. Neither one of them could understand why it was bothering me since he intended it to be polite and respectful.
~ MS