Bad at Relationships
Edit: So I wrote this a few days back (I always try to write slightly ahead, in case my internet dies or something). Since then, I’ve been feeling kind of odd about my relationship with F in general. We did talk, and she told me she’s going through some stuff, and needs to deal with it (her way, which is without other people). And she’s busy. And I’m feeling like I miss what we had…both rounds of it, and am not sure if it’s going to go back to that. The last few days we have talked, she didn’t say I love you…which I’ve gotten so used to, and it’s kind of weird, and hurts a little not hearing it. For various reasons, I drank a bit last night (which I pretty much never do) and left her a message asking her if I’d done anything wrong, and that I missed her saying “love you” and such, but that I loved her regardless. I kind of feel like I may have fucked things up – for all that we’re both about communication, it seems that when I bring these things up, I always wind up hurting more in the long run. So please read much of this as babble. Right now, I think everything is up in the air. – Essin’ Em
I’m not very good at relationships.
I don’t know if it is innate, or if it is because I just haven’t had very many “real” relationships. I mean, I kinda sorta dated the only guy I’ve had intercourse with. Basically, we were friends with benefits, that like 1.5 hours away from each other, and saw each other about twice a month…for almost three months. And there was J – we were together about five and half months…but first, he lived an hour and forty five minutes away, and then when he went to school, it was almost three hours. In the beginning, I’d see him 2-4 times a month (usually for a day or two at a time). Once he was at school, it was more like once a month, maybe twice, for two days. We spoke on the phone every night, but that’s different.
F and I have been…well, whatever we are, for three months now. Other than J, she is the only other person I’ve had sex with more than twice in the past two and a half years. She’s only the third person (other than myself) to ever sleep in my bed with me. She’s become a very important part of my life.
And yet, I’m holding my breath. I’ve finally reassured myself for the most part (it’s hard to dismiss a few lingering fears) that unlike K.W. and Julius, and the two roller girls, that she is not going to cut me completely out of her life, no matter what happens. That’s a big step for me. But now I’m waiting for me to mess up. As this, whatever it is, continues on, I feel like I’m wanting it to be something. I mean, clearly, it is SOMETHING. So it’s hard to explain what I mean. But for me, three months of anything more than pure friendship with someone living in the same geographical location is a pretty big deal for me. I love her. I am starting to figure things out about her, and not get frustrated with some of the things that bothered me before.
I don’t really believe in labels, and she keeps saying she doesn’t want a girlfriend…and I am fine with that. While I might be ok with it, it seems that many people’s idea of girlfriend = living together, monogamous, etc. I don’t want to live with her, I love that we have an open relationship. So I’m ok not being girlfriends.
But there are some things. I’d like to say that we’re dating. Partially, it’s just so I can explain it when people ask…I get sick of the whole “she’s a friend I’m sleeping with” thing, because then I get the odd looks, or the “oooh, it’s Essin’ Em doing the sleeping around thing.” That wouldn’t bother me so much, except I’m proud and happy to have found a person I want in my life enough to have sex with her, to sleep with her, to be with her. I want people to understand the connection that is there.
Or it bothers me with her mother. My mother, I introduced them, and she actually likes F (not that anyone wouldn’t, she’s just never liked anyone I’ve introduced her to). She really likes F. If she didn’t, it wouldn’t matter. And I’ve met her mother, but she thinks I’m a friend. When her mother is around, we don’t hold hands, we don’t kiss, etc. And it’s not because I’m a girl – her mother spent a lot of time with her exes. I didn’t realize it was like this until F gave me a hickey…the night before I helped her mother move her studio. I showed up and said “look! Now what is your mother going to think?” and she told me that she wouldn’t know who gave it to me. It kind of hurt. It still does. What is wrong with me that she can’t explain to her mother what we are, even if it didn’t involve the sex, but was about how we were more than just friends.
I feel selfish wanting these things, and I don’t think I can ask, because I don’t want to lose what we have, and am afraid that if I bring them up, she’ll pull away. And it doesn’t REALLY matter in the scheme of things that she says we’re not dating, as long as we keep watching movies together, eating together, cooking together, having fun together. And it doesn’t REALLY matter if her mother thinks I’m just another friend. Those don’t change who we are or what we have.
I’ve just never felt so connected with someone, and I guess I kind of want that connection validated. I think things have changed so much from when we first got together, hanging out, having sex, etc…but I don’t know if her view of things has.
I’m trying to adapt. We process in different ways – I want someone to be there for me, to help me through it, to hold me. She just kind of goes off the map…and that’s hard for me. Lately, she’s had a lot of stuff going on…and with that and her job, it feels like a rarely see her anymore, and when I do, it doesn’t feel like she’s really there. She hasn’t slept over in almost two weeks…we haven’t had sex in almost two weeks. I’m just trying to reconcile that with what I want and need. I’m getting better at it, but it’s still hard…
So I’ll just keep holding my breath until I think of a way to bring things up, or convince myself that I am fine 100% the way things are.
I’m just bad at relationships, and don’t want to fuck up what I have right now. I wish there was a crash course tutorial…
-Essin’ Em
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Well, I think that she can’t tell her mom you’re girlfriends because you’re not, and she’s probably not comfortable with telling her mom that you two are “fucking”, “lovers”, “non-monogamous” etc. That’s understandable, but it’s also reasonable to expect that you can talk openly with F about how you both feel about naming your relationship for yourselves and others. Just talk to her openly and calmly and don’t fixate on wanting her to have a specific response. Just listen and talk.
My advice is actually slightly different – do as much listening as possible, wait for her cue or query before you say anything, try not to contact her, try to let her make the next few moves. It’s hard to leave the person you love alone, even when they may need it, I know. But it’s also too easy to unintentionally smother the one you love. Be careful, spend time taking care of yourself while you are waiting. You do not suck at relationships! You are passionate and eager – use those positive characteristics to your advantage.
Don’t beat yourself up about not being good at relationships… an open relationship of whatever kind is a special challenge. Every open relationship is pioneer work… we have fewer role-models for our open relationships, no commonly accepted labels that we wouldn’t need to explain over and over again or that we even agree on amongst ourselves, little understanding in the general public, fewer people who can give us advice, more criticism from the outside… if I think a bit more, I could probably come up with more challenges. Plus, obviously, all the “normal” challenges any relationship poses…
I wish you well in this difficult time – and don’t let it get to you so much… I really don’t know how much all this has to do with being bad at relationships.
I don’t think you need to worry about fucking things up with her as long as you’re yourself – but I would suggest taking a step back and giving her plenty of space – more than, perhaps, she’s comfortable with.
It’s just because it’s easy to overwhelm somebody who is ‘adjusting’ to a new kind of relationship with questions and concerns and need for validation. I know, I did it to my wife (then girlfriend) and she broke up with me and cut off all contact for three months.
The most essential concept in relationships is ‘one follows that which retreats.’ If you take a step back, she’ll follow after you.
It’s not a game and don’t look at it like that. Stay your cool-ass self. Still tell her you love her. Still be giving and loving and friendly and cool. Just make yourself about 25%/50% less available than you were.
Show her you still care, but you are independent and dignified and whatever your relationship is, it works because you each take a step to meet in the middle. One partner isn’t overeaching.
But it’s tough. I fell so deeply for my wife when I first met her, I PLAGUED her with phone calls and texts and messages and emails and gifts, even though she was not interested in a relationship beyond FWB. She was like a drug and I had to force myself to moderate my intake.
Well, for what it’s worth, that’s my advice.
oh, yeah, i know what you mean about waiting to mess up. in my last relationship i was kind of always waiting for when she was going to mess up big. turns out she never messed up big enough to break us up (though i think my worrying might have been a factor). now, this time, i feel like i’m waiting for me to mess up. anywho, i don’t know that that’s either here nor there.
also, there is nothing wrong with being selfish! repeat after me: there is nothing wrong with being selfish. okay? sure, selfishness (like everything) can have bad results, but it’s not inherent, it’s just when you don’t moderate it, or if it overwhelms more important considerations. you know me – all about balance. so throw your selfish feeling/thoughts into the mix with all the other ones when you’re thinking about all this, and do be guilty about it.
oh, and on the mother side, i think safo is likely right. then again, even when Jake’s mom knew we were dating we didn’t do any of those things around her because it was such a touchy subject.
*hugs*!
I think we ALL need a crash course in relationships. And if you suck at them, then we ALL do :P
It sure sounds like insecurity, to me. I’m plagued with it, and reading you, even if I’m not in the same situation, I could still recognize things I could have said myself. One thing I try to do is turn things around, in my mind. What if I was the one with lots going on in my life and needing space, and my girlfriend/boyfriend didn’t give it to me? Sure, we’re all different, but still, I’ve found this strategy has helped me a lot with my Boy Toy.
You’ve already gotten good advise from the others here, but I like especially what miss avarice said: “It’s hard to leave the person you love alone, even when they may need it, I know. But it’s also too easy to unintentionally smother the one you love.” I like it because it reminds me of what Boy Toy has told me a few times, about being able to let the one you love go. They’ll come back.