Shaving in the Queer Community
Hi. My name is Essin’ Em, and I shave my vulva.
Yup. I said it. Given the trend in today’s society, it’s not that big of a deal, right? In fact, F said something about having been surprised when a woman she was with didn’t shave.
However, that’s not the reaction I get often. In fact, with many of the XX bodied queer people I’ve hooked up with, it’s been shocking to them that I *do* shave. Moreover, many of them have told me that I’m the only person they’ve slept with that actually did shave.
When I first started shaving, I remember the cast of Vagina Monologues being aghast (especially since I was the only one on the cast who shaved…having done nude photos with them…and being the one doing the monologue “Hair.”). ”You shave? But I thought you were a feminist!?!?” And it seems that with some queer people, I’m getting a similar reaction; “You shave? But I thought you were a dyke?!?!” As if being a feminist or dyke or anything has to some how do with how I style my pubic hair (or lack thereof).
On the other hand, there are people who are actually upset by women who don’t shave. One Denver Butch I asked said “Well, I certainly don’t want to have to floss afterwards or be able to use their pubic hair as floss.” Yeah. Ok. So while I do shave, I certainly don’t think anyone should have to, and I do enjoy those people with hair; you can gently tug on it, run your fingers through it, and now, you can even dye it! Hair is fine, lack of hair is fine, as long as it is 100% your choice, and you’re not doing it because someone (or society) told you that you should, or that it’s expected to shave.
I guess I just feel weird. Many dykes I meet don’t shave anything; armpits, legs or pubic hair. I shave all three (although I shave my legs maybe once a month…tops). It has nothing to do with men, or porn or being objectified. I just like to smoothness as I rub my hand on my legs, and how fingers/toys/the Hitachi feels on my cunt when there is no hair there. And with so many women shaving nowdays, I’m surprised that my partners tend to be surprised to find that I do. And that some judge my queerness based on it.
Certainly, not everyone feels like this. I asked several queer friends of mine (above included) about their thoughts on this issue, and here are some answers:
“Honestly, I believe you should do what you feel as long a it’s not a direct result of warped and manipulative matriarchal standards. I love hair on women. But I myself love the way it feels when my lips are shaved. But I keep some hair because I like to run my fingers through it and as a mild statement. But I feel that all humans have the right to enjoy their skin however they want.”
“It’s all about what makes a woman feel sexy…and of course, confidence is key.”
“I think it’s completely up to them, and what they feel comfortable with.”
It’s reassuring to get some of these types of responses. When people assume that I shave, because I am a woman, it bothers me. When people assume I don’t shave, because I am a feminist/dyke, it bothers me. Stop assuming. If you’re intelligent, and play your cards right, you don’t have to assume. You can find out first hand…literally.
For more on thoughts about shaving, please read some older posts of mine:
What are your thoughts about women shaving in general? What about queer women? Is there a difference? Does it matter? Even if you are fine either way, do you have a preference? Are you surprised by how many women do/don’t shave?
-Essin’ Em
12 Comments so far
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I shave my vulva, and give myself a very generous ‘landing strip’ Do I do it all the time? No. Sometimes I just trim up the edges, and more or less rock a faux hawk. But I like my hair, and I don’t care to have an undecorated cunt.
How about my lovers?
I’m fairly ambivalent. I don’t know that I’ve even seen au natural on a female lover OR any gal I’ve seen in the nude. Everyone seems to do something, and at this point, au natural seems rather overabundant. If someone chose to keep their hair (ahem,like curvaceous dee(I read you, too)), I’d think that was really cool, and wouldn’t have a problem with it.
Just as much as I don’t care for all bare on me, I tend to be shocked most of the time I see it on anyone else. It just seems… startlingly naked, unprotected, unadorned. But I know how wonderful it can feel, and the same as my opinions on au natural, I guess I could grow to like bare as well.
At the end of the day, I prefer some hair, and I’m constantly surprised by how little hair we women keep, and I don’t see a big difference between queer women’s topiary decisions and straight women’s.
I can see both groups choosing to shave for the visual aspect or the feeling, or not to shave based on the same, or to reclaim their right to the body they were born with.
Hopefully clear and not too verbose.
well, I’m a male type person but I find myself shaving my legs and crotch area on occasion. I would do it more often but find that even a couple of days later it’s not very comfy. I shave my legs because I just LOVE the way my shaved legs feel when I put on a pair of stockings *smile*. I shave my underarms every day, that was part of the agreement that was put into place years ago between myself and my Mistress/Wife as a symbol of her ownership of me that would be visible to anyone who saw me naked and would be an active thing I could do each day.
I know you were looking for the female perspective here, but couldn’t resist commenting.
As for others, as you noted, whatever they choose, as long as they choose , is fine by me.
I’ve actually been shaving since I first started getting hair. It’s always grossed me out. I’ve never let it grow in, so I have no idea what I’d even look like with hair. Its always, personally, grossed me out. Being smooth makes me happy.
Though I am not queer, I can’t see why it would matter. Being straight doesn’t automatically mean “must shave” so I, personally, can’t see why being queer would mean not shaving.
Oh, I definitely have a preference. Shaved, please. I know it’s extremely superficial, but I was with a man once who did nothing. It was like a jungle. I just *couldn’t* go down on him. My rejection of hair may be more than a simple preference, but I’m fine with that.
I shave except for a small patch. I used to shave completely but don’t think it really works with my more fleshiness lately. I know that when I started shaving, maybe 10 years ago, no one would have thought not to shave but I think we’re coming around.
For me, I just like to be more manageable. When someone says they don’t shave, that suggests literally not touching the pubic hair at all which is quite messy – at least for me.
I agree, it’s all personal preference and should suggest nothing about gender, sexuality or feminist tendencies
A shaved pussy can be hella sexy. As can a full bush. It’s not more feminist or queer to have one or the other; but I do think that appreciation of both is an ideal.
I’m a queer woman and I am completely au natural. I have experimented with shaving, but my ancestry makes me the naturally hairy type, and shaving irritates my skin, creates ingrown hairs, and has to be repeated constantly in order to maintain the effects, which only irritates me further. I’m usually left with red, inflamed skin and a 5 o’clock shadow that looks very unattractive, especially when compared to my full 70s porn bush. My lover is fair and nearly hairless, but she also has sensitive skin, so she only shaves very infrequently, for a change of pace, and even then she has to deal with skin flare ups. But I think shaving can definitely be sexy, and I’ve been meaning to incorporate shaving into our sex life for a special occasion or two. Using a brand-new, high-quality razor and cream cuts down on razor burn and irritation, but that’s an expensive habit to maintain.
I guess shaving doesn’t cause these skin reactions in a lot of women? Although I’ve slept with and enjoyed many smoothly shaved pussies, I’ve also noticed some that suffered from bad cases of razor burn and ingrown hairs, and *that* could sometimes be a turn off, whereas a full bush never is. Specifically, I’ve slept (safely) with women who had red sores down there, probably caused by shaving and not an STD, but when it’s a one-night-stand in the semi-dark, that can give you pause, you know? If you know the person, it’s a different story, and I do know people who prefer hairless, irritated pussies to hairy ones.
My lover and I do infrequently trim ourselves with an electric razor, but that often makes my bush spikier instead of soft, and my lover says she loves going down on my full bush, so I don’t bother to do it much and vice versa. You know, if you hold the pussy open, you won’t get pubic hair up in your grill. If you do like to just rub your face all in it, then you might have to deal with a hair or two in your mouth. But that really doesn’t bother me.
What does bother me are people like my lover’s ex, a self-identified feminist, who demanded that my lover get a regular wax, despite the pain and skin irritation it caused her, because it was just a “common courtesy” or somesuch. I don’t think anything that hurts your body (and not in a good way) could possibly be performed as a common courtesy.
What does scare me is the fear and disgust many people, both men and women, feel toward a natural bush. It’s a symptom of the increasingly sterilized views we have of the human body. On the other hand, fear and disgust toward a shaved pussy is also a widespread, sex-negative reactionary impulse that I equally condemn. The bottom line is that all hair types should be accepted, especially when you’re intimately and lovingly involved with somebody’s body.
yeah, i’m kind of in the “do whatever it is you like camp”. except, while i think it’s cool that a lot of folks have gotten past thinking people “should” do one thing or another with their hair, it seems to have progressed into the idea that if you let anyone but yourself have any say in the matter you are totally unfeminist. that complete and total autonomy is the only healthy way to be. ugh.
maybe it’s just the bottom in me, but i think it is totally *sexy* to *choose* to give your partner(s) power (in general, so also in this case). or, if it’s not a major issue for you, why not do what your partner thinks is sexy?
personally, shaving doesn’t work very well for me. plus, i have nice pubic hair; it’s like a little ‘fro…leading the girlfriend to put her comb in it like a pick the other day. i really tried to look “not amused.” and totally failed ;)
I keep my pubes short with a beard trimmer, and I shave the sides a bit, to tidy up. For me, shaving my vulva is a painful, icky experience. After three days, I look like I have some sort of horrible STD. That is not conductive to my feeling sexy. So, I don’t do it. I feel comfortable with a bit of hair, and I like it short and out of the way.
However, I personally don’t like the look of a shaven vulva. To me, it looks too much like a little girl’s. I don’t want to look like a little girl. It looks so bare and naked and cold.
But then again, I also don’t like untamed pubes. I slept with a friend and I practically needed a machete to hack the hair out of the way to get to her cunt, and that was uncomfortable and kind of icky.
I feel the same way about male pubic hair – I like it there. I just prefer it trimmed a little bit. Naked peni looks so out of place. Though I do like the smooth balls now and then.
I do shave regularly, but only my labia, leaving the majority of my pubic hair in it’s natural state. (Occasionally I might trim up the rest of it for a different look.) I do this for a lot of reasons. I love how soft and velvety the skin is there, and find myself touching myself more often just because. This (at least on me) is a very nice aesthetic. I do think it’s considerate to my lovers as well.
I can do this with little hassle or ill effects. I’d prefer to shave just a little bit of a bakini line as well…but it grows back in an irritating way, and I get constant ingrown hairs. So, I don’t do it. I don’t shave my armpits for the same reason.
Once a boyfriend convinced me to shave completely, and I simply abhorred the feeling, the stubble, the grow back, the look, everything.
I’m pretty sure that every female lover I’ve been with has shaved in one way or another. So I’d be a touch surprised if I ran into someone completely au natural. I don’t think it would particularly be a problem for me…but it’s not really my preference. I’ve always thought different women looked good different ways. I generally feel that we should all keep our bodies in ways we find comfortable and pleasing to ourselves.
Come to think of it, the only objections I’ve had with lovers are with guys actually. Overly scratchy cheeks. Stubble. The guy who suddenly started trimming the chest hair that I so utterly loved snuggling into and running my hands through.
I shave myself bare, but I don’t have a personal preference in my partners, men or women. I don’t think that hair is gross, its on our bodies naturally, and therefore does not bother me at all.
However, as someone who dates both men and women, I have noticed a difference in preference in the queer and straight communities. Sometimes I wonder if the reason that I shave is because of the adverse reaction that I would receive from a straight man if I didn’t. Every man that I have been with or spoken to about women and shaving has basically said that anymore hair than a landing strip or a very close crop is a huge turn off.
However, women don’t seem to care either way. I have never been with a woman that cared or even commented on the fact that I shaved. However, I have been with many women who didn’t shave. And many who did.
I think that the straight (male) community has a stronger and more adverse reaction to the shaving thing than the queer community, but that is just my personal experience.
I personally say, whatever blows your skirt up, doll. It’s all beautiful to me.
i don’t shave (except for the bikini area), though i do trim. i feel incredibly uncomfortable about not shaving- i feel there’s this idea that hot, sexy, kinky, sex-positive femmes shave. period. everywhere. at all times. i feel like the only images i have of femmes who don’t shave are egalitarian-sex-loving hippies.
and while i do shave my legs and armpits on a semi-regular basis, i’m not motivated enough to be perfectly smooth constantly. and when it comes to the vulva, it is a) painful, b) a huge time-sucker, and c) *expensive*. so it comes down to throwing time and money down the drain just to gain some massively itchy bumps and huge, swollen ingrown hairs.
i wish there wasn’t a hairless imperative. i wish that more people found pubic hair exciting and sexy instead of either being disgusted or, at best, neutral.
(n.b. can you tell i have some really big not-femme-enough issues? argh.)
*waves at Lucky Lucky Girl*
My thoughts on the matter have been well-aired – but for those who want to hear them anyway:
I choose not to shave. I trim about twice a year, purely to keep the heat down (but even trimmed, it’s not trimmed close). On my lovers, I have no preference whatsoever. Bare, shaped, furry, fuzzy, shaggy – if it’s what makes them comfortable and happy, so be it. I have no problems putting my hands, face, and sundry body-parts near them, and delight in their choice.
xx Dee
So first of all, I am pretty much in love with you and your blog. My lover stumbled upon it earlier today and we both have enjoyed it so much. I’ve been reading for hours, hahaa. But this is so lovely, to read some of the very same things that I myself have blogged about (albeit on myspace). Hair and shaving for women is a topic that I feel pretty strongly about and I feel similar. Every woman (and human being, for that matter) should have the right to do whatever they want with their body hair, shave it, grow it, dye it multiple colors, etc. And it just feels really good to hear other people say that we should do things so long as WE want to do them, it’s our choice, no one else’s. I don’t shave and I love the way my body feels unshaved. And I love seeing other unshaven women especially cunt-wise, and while I can appreciate the aesthetic of the unshaven vulva, I very much gravitate towards the lovely bush.
I love your blog. I feel like I’m home here.