Sick
I’ve gotten very used to being sick. Throughout my life, if there was something odd and strange going around. This sounds like hyperbole – it’s not. In HS, I got whooping cough. 5 people in my entire school got it…I was the youngest person in the school, the closest to my whooping couch vaccination, and yet, I got it. I’ve had pneumonia twice (despite having had the vaccine). In college, I used to get at least one sinus infection a month. I was running out of antibiotics I wasn’t allergic to and that were effective, so I stopped taking them for anything less than bronchitis (which I had two or three times a year).
Before I moved to Germany, I went and saw an immunologist. Apparently, I have an immune system disorder where now only am I really susceptible to things in general, but where vaccinations that are meant to last several years, or even longer, tend to dissipate in my system after one. So I got revaccinated. For everything. Ever. From tetnus to pneumonia, menegitis to whooping cough…everything.
And I saw an ENT. Apparently, due to all my illnesses, my cheek sinuses had closed off. Also, I was hit on the bridge of my nose with a boomerang at Temple when I was three – after some CT scans, he found that it had caused a deviated septum, which therefore caused many of my sinus infections. Three days after I moved back from Germany, I had sinus surgery.
I hadn’t been as sick since then. As long as I kept up on my shots, and post-surgery, I was doing ok. Then when I moved to Philly, I started getting sick more often again, and for longer periods of time. I blamed the pollution. But now, I’m back in Denver, and I’ve been sick three times since July 1st. Not just like little colds, but like can’t breathe, can’t sleep, sleep all the time with nyquil, call out of work, want to curl up and die sick. So maybe it’s just my past catching up to me.
I’ve gotten used to being sick, and being sick alone. In college, I end up in the ER one night – they thought I had appendicitis and were going to operate. I was alone in the ER, and I called my mother, who lived 70 miles away. She told me she was going to go see a play, and then go to bed, and that I should call her with the results in the morning. One year, I was throwing up for 3 days at the end of the semester, but she wouldn’t come down to get me. She told me I needed to move out on my own, and then drive home once I stopped vomiting. When I had pneumonia, I went to the hospital alone for x-rays. In Philly, I had on person come to the ER with me once (total of eight ER visits). When I hurt myself with L, she came to the ER with me because she just couldn’t imagine not doing it. I explained that I was fine, and was used to going by myself (side note, my mother lives 20 minutes away from the ER I was at…but didn’t come), and she as aghast.
I’m used to being sick alone too. I lived alone for much of college, and my roommates were not friendly in Southampton, PA. In Philly, I lived alone. I moved back here, and the first time I was sick, I was silly and called my mother. “I feel awful,” I said in between coughs. “I’d really like someone to bring me soup.” “Well, it’s not going to be me” was her response. On Saturday (I’m sick again), she called to tell me she was home from visiting my sister. ”I’m sick. Would you like to meet somewhere with soup for dinner?” “I just drove this morning – I’m not going anywhere again to day.”
All I want right now is for someone to bring me soup. I lied. What I really want is for F to come over, with soup in hand (preferably Olive Garden minestrone, cause that is so my comfort food when sick), make a pot of tea for us, and lie in bed with me, holding me….maybe watching a movie, or just lying there. That is what I want most right now.
But I’m so used to doing it on my own, and taking care of other people (there is a reason most of my friends and residents in college called me Mom), that I have trouble asking for help. She was busy Saturday, when I wanted soup and to be held the most. I called her and left a message “If you have time on your way to your friends house, and could drop off soup, I’d love you forever.” That’s the closest I can get to asking. Sometimes I have to ask – when I had my spinal tap last year, I needed to have someone drive me home, because the doctor’s office required it. I had to have L drive me from mini-golf to the ER because I thought my right ankle was broken, and I didn’t want to call an ambulance. But other wise, I do it on my own. I go to the doctor, urgent care, the hospital alone. I sit at home, typing this, instead of calling someone to ask a favor of them, because I’m counter dependent, and used to doing it on my own.
So I’ll say it here, where no one will feel obligated to do anything, because 99% of you don’t know me in real life, or if you do, you don’t live near by; I want vegetarian soup, and tea, and to be held, and to watch a funny movie, and for someone to stroke my hair as they tuck me into bed.
There. I’ve asked.
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Well, if I were there I’d make you a big pot of veg soup(but seasoned with cornedbeef, sorry)and bring it to you. I’m in GA,but I hope you feel better soon.
“I was hit on the bridge of my nose with a boomerang at Temple when I was three…”
Wha… How…? Boomerang? In Temple?
Forgive me, an ignorant gentile, for wondering, but how on Earth does that happen? And how can you write such a thing without expanding on it?
If I was there.. I’d bring you those. & a giant hug. Feel better. :/
This is why I read you, ‘Em: you have a lot of the same problems that I do, but you write about them when I try to keep mine under the rug.
I have the same view of myself as “always alone”. I’m always by myself at the movies, I’m usually alone when I go out to eat, I have lots of online friends but I don’t know my neighbors. When I was in college, I had crazy viruses too (though not as bad as yours.) Once I ended up being so dehydrated I had to go to the ER by myself in a taxi…and I was there alone for something like six hours. Finally a couple friends (who I didn’t even think of as my best friends) called my cell, came by with crackers, held my hand, and helped me home. I hadn’t been to class that day and they had wondered where I was.
It made me think about who my friends were, but it also puzzled me: how can I be in college for four years, with M. in another state, and not have someone to call when I’m sick? Sometimes I’m sure it’s because I don’t fit in, and people suck…other times I’m sure I’M the one who sucks, if no one wants to reach out to me. Sometimes I think it’s because I’m just too cautious when it comes to people.
When you were writing about your lack of job and money, tho, I remember thinking: where the heck is F., that she loves so much and thinks is her support? Does F. not know about all these problems? But F. seems to be the chick you hang out with the most…so ask, ask, ask, ‘Em! Ask for help! Even if you think she’ll say no. ‘Cuz even tho I haven’t figured out how to have a “support system” yet, I know that’s the first step to trying to make your own. And the thing is, we all need one, so no matter how hard it is to ask, we need to figure it out.
Hi Em, new reader to your site and new fan! I completely here you, I’m always calling myself “Mama Maternal” as i take care of everyone else but not always myself. I know how hard it is to ask, i struggle with that myself.
You deserve your soup, your tea and snuggles…i really hope whoever it is your asking, replies!
N
Why is it that those of us most willing to help others can’t ask for help ourselves? I’ll go out of my way for anyone, but have few people close enough to me that would do the same… and I think part of it is the same as your experience with your mother. You ask, and get shot down… eventually you get so used to it you become afraid to ask anymore. Sometimes people surprise you, though… it’s just a matter of working up the courage to put yourself out there and risk the rejection.
And NO, asking here where no one can really say yes doesn’t count, though I’m sure many (myself included) would if we could :)
lalana
Wow. I really relate to you on a number of levels. I was just talking to my boyfriend about this last night. He’s an FTM, and I remember one of your exes (maybe L is one too). Anyhoo…I have what you call “daddy issues.” So it’s really important for my partner to protect me from the world, myself, etc. I’ve gone to a lot of hospitals on my own but for different reasons. I went to college in Florida, and my parents were 18 hours away in Texas, so instead of them hopping planes, interrupting their lives to come tend to me, I had other people in the area fill in the gap. Friends and people I went to church with were kind enough to step into those parental shoes when I was 19, scared, and far far away from home. I thank God every day for their love and support of me. I didn’t know how to ask, but they did it for me anyway.
Your mom sounds a lot like my dad. He’s the type of person who thinks I’m super competent and invulnerable to the world. What he doesn’t know is, the opposite is true and when I needed him to step in and be my father (when I was a teenager, in a gang, huffing rubber cement in a bag) he was emotionally available? Why? Because he was on drugs. But I didn’t know that until much later.
Now I’m an attorney and he has the nerve to brag on my accomplishments while denying that he is in any way responsible for me being a fucked up individual emotionally. That’s my baggage. But your blog speaks to me in a real way. And I thank you for telling your story because a lot of people feel the way you do.
It’s okay to ask for help.
None of us are impervious to the outside world, sick, healthy or otherwise.
Having support is a big deal and if F cannot step up to the challenge, maybe you should reconsider. (I don’t know her or the dynamics of your relationship. That’s just my humble opinion.)
Be blessed and get well.
awwww, wish I was there to do those things for you….*huggers*.
I wish I lived near you. I can relate to this post in so many ways (from the frequent illnesses to the mother who can’t be bothered to do her job). *hugs* *sends you virtual vegetable soup*