But You Don’t LOOK Gay
So I got this new super part time job doing promotional marketing. Like 3-5 hours a week. But it’s something, right?
Anyways, on the first day, I was partnered with a gay guy. Haha. Funny. Put the two queers in a punk rock filled dive bar (actually, it was a bar I love – Friday nights they spin nothing but 80s!) trying to give away, via raffle, a bunch of snowboarding stuff. I think we had like 5 people enter. Regardless, we were joking about how funny it was that the only two out people on the promotional team were put together.
My boss stopped by to see how things were going, and I pointed this out to her. She looked at me.
“Really? You’re a lesbian (I decided not to explain the whole ‘No, I’m QUEER’ thing to her at this point in time)? I would never have guessed. I mean, you don’t LOOK gay.”
I turned to my gay partner. “Really? I mean, you knew, right?”
He looked me up and down. “I mean, not really. She’s right. You don’t really LOOK gay.”
I sighed.
It’s not the first. Or second. Or even hundredth time this has happened. Apparently, I missed the memo on what gay people are SUPPOSED to look like.
Like last month, I was on a rooftop bar (yes, Denver has rooftop bars open, even in the snow. We’re hardcore) celebrating a friend’s birthday. I met a group of queer women, and gravitated towards them. One was talking about how frustrating it was that no one read her as a lesbian. I told her that I had (obviously), and then another girl in the group turned towards me.
“You’re a lesbian? I mean, you don’t really look it. If I saw you in a bar, I’d definitely think straight girl with alternative style.”
Gah. Damn it. What the fuck is “lesbian style??” I am not double popping my collars, getting an asymmetrical hair cut, tattoos on my arms, etc. I don’t wear button downs, ties and fedoras out. I was not born of the jean skirt and boots revolution. I like Butch style…when the person about to kiss/fuck/chat with me is wearing it, but not on me. Why the hell should I have to change my style in order for me to “look gay??”
Fuck that.
I am a Femme that rarely wears lipstick or heels. I wear what I want to wear, what I feel comfortable and hot in, what fits me and my personality. I will not cave. I may not “look gay” to apparently either gay or straight people, but I am comfortable in both my style and my sexuality, and see no reason to change for others.
Every now and then, I begin to get fed up. I begin to wonder if I should. And then I am reassured. Last Spring, I was panicking about this, and Sinclair told me that any Butch would obviously know I was a feisty Femme. In my recent panic, I was thinking about trying to fit in more. Then a cute dyke in my Strap-On 101 class and I were chatting, and I said something about color-coordinating my sex toys (which I DO do), and she looked and me and said “god, you’re SUCH a Femme!” One little sentence, and it was so nice to hear. I was seen as my identity. It didn’t matter that I was wearing pants and a button down shirt (albeit, a polka dot button down) – she saw that little Femme spark in me.
So I ask you, please don’t ever tell people things like “you don’t look gay” or “you don’t look disabled.” Unless you know a person, and are close, and are joking with them, these are things that aren’t ok. I mean, if I’m rocking my polka dot crutches, and am worried about some where we’re going, and my friend says “what? you’re handicapped? I never would have guessed,” it’s one thing. Or if my friend is wearing a giant rainbow feather boa, and I tell her that she just doesn’t look queer enough, that’s something different. But to tell someone that they don’t fit into part of their identities because of how they look? That’s just silly.
That’s all I have to say on this for now.
-Essin’ Em
31 Comments so far
Leave a reply
No, you don’t look gay. You look queer. Since they don’t know the difference, they can’t really see the difference, can they? ;P>
First of all, go you for not changing to meet other peoples “idea” of what a gay, femme, (fill in the blank) should look like. Most folks would never guess that I’m a bi, crossdressing switch *smile*. But that’s their problem! OTOH, when someone says “but you don’t look xxxx” I see that as an opportunity for some education and sharing. Most of the folks who make a comment like this are doing so out of ignorance and poor manners. I’ll let someone else teach them the good manners, but it’s nice to have an educational moment when it presents itself. *smile*.
I can’t imagine telling someone, “You don’t look straight.”
Wtf?
no offense to mr. sexsmith, but i wouldn’t overestimate the gender/sexuality reading skills of all femme-loving-butches based on his own experience. i certainly have had and still have trouble parsing the queer femmes from the hetero girls with a certain kind of indie/hipster style (though maybe it’s because i never was actually a butch, just a guy who was trying to be one).
when you’ve got the whole damn world telling you that you’re ugly and your sexuality is worthless and when mistaking a hetero girl for queer can come with some unpleasant consequences, the stakes for rejections are higher than average, and erring on the side of not-queer rather than ‘that’s totally a queer femme’ is an understandable strategy.
this does not in any way mean that i’m suggesting you change your aesthetic preferences or how you do gender, just that different kinds of communicative strategies might be necessary if you want to be legible to all of butchdom.
Ah sigh – as an apparently “straight girl looking” (so I am told) femme with MS (I don’t “look” disabled either – whatever THAT means)I feel your pain. What can I say? It sucks….
I know what you mean.
However, I am one of those women that felt the pressure so strong that for while I went butch. Now don’t get me wrong. There are elements of my personality that are very butch and that “more masculine energy” (if you want to say) in my body is such a turn on. Yet, I had forgotten about me and how I really am. I’m not a femme. I’m not a butch. That was the thing I struggled with….trying to fit in. I’m a queer lesbian. But most of all I’m just a woman who loves women.
I agree about it being a time for education.
Just as well, I say if you look at a woman’s eyes….you’ll know. It’s in that glance.
This is almost as awesome as when people tell me I “Don’t sound Black.”
Living in SF one either learns quickly or is quickly schooled that making ANY assumptions about people based on your assessment of their appearance is likely to wing up getting you in an awkward situation. Making assumptions is for fraidycats! Asking, inquiring, feeling, exploring….just do it1
Peace
Mo
People sometimes don’t know -I’m- gay. That’s with the buzzcut and boywear. But it also bugs me when people find out I’m Jewish and are all surprised.
In that photo you ‘look’ like you’re rocking the sexy librarian look!
I admit, I don’t know you at all aside from reading this blog, but I’d go out on a limb and say you look like an ‘Essin’ Em,’ – as in, somebody who’s completely unique and probably can’t be pigeonholed into any other designation except who they are.
On the one hand, I can definitely dig what you’re saying. Sometimes I ponder carrying a cane to indicate that I’m disabled so that people will treat me a bit better. Of course, I don’t need a cane – my crutches are my various psych meds. (Depression/Anxiety/OCD/Aspie)
On the other hand – and this may well be my own ignorance – is it possible that you’re somehow missing something? Is there something you could do to mitigate or eliminate this problem?
I’ve read and heard about various subtle ways of communicating sexual preferences – hanky codes, the ownership flag & icons (http://www.ownershipflag.com/), triangles, Greek letters, and other symbols (http://www.lambda.org/symbols.htm)….
I don’t know. In an ideal world we wouldn’t have to go to such lengths.
It’s an almost impossible situation. I used to be quite feminine (and horribly uncomfortable with it) and I can remember how much it rankled when people exclaimed in surprise when they found out I was gay. I found it to be so rude that they couldn’t stifle their surprise for a moment and consider my feelings, or the fact that this shit might have been said many, many times before.
I might be happier as I am now but I still look back and wonder how on earth we can show each other such an integral part of ourselves without altering our appearance. It’s hard to know what to do except throw rainbow jewellry and accessories all over ourselves and hope for the best. I’m quite young and newly out and would quite like to meet a gay femme, but it hasn’t happened yet :( They’re hiding somewhere.
That’s happened to me a lot too. Well – more like I’ve told people I’m bisexual and they decided not to believe me because I didn’t ‘look the type’. :| Having one identity (queer) invalidated by another (femme) is such a painful thing… and for a while I BELIEVED those people and started second-guessing my own orientation :| Luckily now I know better than to listen to them
I guess all you can do is keep being yourself and hope people eventually learn that it’s the categorisation that needs to change, not the individuals.
[...] on Sex and Relationships But You Don’t LOOK Gay! Dirty Boy Interracial Depth The Perverted Negress: Origins This is Your Brain, on Masturbation [...]
[...] on Sex and Relationships But You Don’t LOOK Gay! Dirty Boy Interracial Depth The Perverted Negress: Origins This is Your Brain, on Masturbation [...]
[...] on Sex and Relationships But You Don’t LOOK Gay! Dirty Boy Interracial Depth The Perverted Negress: Origins <—- that’s me! This is [...]
[...] on Sex and Relationships But You Don’t LOOK Gay! Dirty Boy Interracial Depth The Perverted Negress: Origins This is Your Brain, on Masturbation [...]
[...] on Sex and Relationships But You Don’t LOOK Gay! Dirty Boy Interracial Depth The Perverted Negress: Origins This is Your Brain, on Masturbation [...]
[...] on Sex and Relationships But You Don’t LOOK Gay! Dirty Boy Interracial Depth The Perverted Negress: Origins This is Your Brain, on Masturbation [...]
[...] on Sex and Relationships But You Don’t LOOK Gay! Dirty Boy Interracial Depth The Perverted Negress: Origins This is Your Brain, on Masturbation [...]
[...] on Sex and RelationshipsBut You Don’t LOOK Gay!Dirty BoyInterracial DepthThe Perverted Negress: OriginsThis is Your Brain, on Masturbation [...]
[...] But You Don’t LOOK Gay! [...]
[...] on Sex and Relationships But You Don’t LOOK Gay! Dirty Boy Interracial Depth The Perverted Negress: Origins This is Your Brain, on Masturbation [...]
[...] on Sex and Relationships But You Don’t LOOK Gay! Dirty Boy Interracial Depth The Perverted Negress: Origins This is Your Brain, on Masturbation [...]
[...] HNT courtesy of Essin’ Em. [...]
[...] But You Don’t LOOK Gay! [...]
[...] on Sex and Relationships But You Don’t LOOK Gay! Dirty Boy Interracial Depth The Perverted Negress: Origins This is Your Brain, on Masturbation [...]
[...] on Sex and Relationships But You Don’t LOOK Gay! Dirty Boy Interracial Depth The Perverted Negress: Origins This is Your Brain, on Masturbation [...]
That happens to me ALL THE TIME. Even when I make it clear I am same sex inclined, people tend to not take me seriously because I don’t “look the part” and often can’t fathom that I’m not just experimenting.
[...] on Sex and Relationships But You Don’t LOOK Gay! Dirty Boy Interracial Depth The Perverted Negress: Origins This is Your Brain, on Masturbation [...]
I love this post! I am in my mid 30′s and just now coming out about being Queer and Femme, and have been having trouble with the High Femme tag, because for the most part, day-to-day that isn’t me. Now on a special night or just for the hell of it I might do the ‘High Femme’ thing particularily if my date is willing to look just as good. I am a Butch loving Femme too, and the idea of a Dapper looking butch wearing a suit….Oh Gods! *fans herself* I don’t do heels mostly because I never got used to them and that level of uncomfortableness? Grr. No.lol. I do love wearing makeup though! Anyways….thanks for this, I am glad I read it.
Sarah