Good Girl
I used to hate that set of words. Good girl.
My experience with those words stemmed from when I came out as kinky in college. Both online and in real life, it seemed that the only people who wanted to partner with me in a kinky, non-vanilla sense were older men (40’s, 50’s, 60’s) with long hair and often with beards, who wanted me to be their “Good Girl.” Their little girl. Daddy’s little girl. You name it. They’d tell me that they wanted me to do things, because I was such a good girl. They’d tell me that I’d earn rewards if I was a good girl. And so on.
This is not to knock age play. It is just not my kink, at all, in anyway. While I do shave my vulva, it is not to look like I’m younger, or anything like that. I like being a woman, thank you, and I especially didn’t like the assumptions that these “COM” (creepy old men, as they seemed to me at the time) were making. That any younger woman in the scene had a goal of nothing more than being daddy’s little girl…than being a good girl.
So I went on an anti-girl kick. I was a woman, hear me roar. ”Good job” was fine. ”Good girl” was not. ”Good” was fine. “That’s my girl” was not.
This summer at Thunder, I let a lovely lady flog me. She told me I was being such a good girl. And for the first time in my life, it didn’t creep me out. It wasn’t at all related to age play, or being objectified as a female. It felt right. I didn’t say anything when she said it, I just took it in, and thought about it, and let the scene continue. And that was it. I stopped thinking about it.
Until a month or two, I was playing with F. And she asked me to do something, and I did, and she told me I was a good girl. And it fit. It felt good. In fact, it really turned me on. So I titled this post, and saved it to write about later. And of course, I forgot about it.
Then last week, when F and I were at the play party, and I was playing with Miss D. There was one point where it was too much, and I stopped breathing…until I started hyperventilating. She held me, rubbing my back, telling me to breathe. When I did, she called me a good girl. And I felt that between my legs. I felt ok again, and I felt turned on. As she spanked me, and hit me, she kept calling me her good girl, telling me I was such a good girl, and I got through it. I took almost everything she could throw at me. During our aftercare, she held me, stroking my hair, telling me that I’d been such a good girl. And it made everything alright.
So what changed? Was it the gender of the people I was playing with? Was it the fact that I’d been able to play kinkily in the BDSM community with people who didn’t see me solely as Daddy’s Little Girl? Was it that I was playing with people I trusted? People that I knew also switched, and were also good girls at times?
I don’t know. I don’t. But I’m glad that I’ve been able to open my mind, and add this new facet of play into my world, instead of just becoming so militant about not being a good girl that I refused to accept the fact that I like being called it sometimes.
So yes. To some people, I am a good girl. And it’s ok. And to others, I will never me.
Have I ever mentioned that communication is key?
-Essin’ Em
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It was probably all of those things. In each of those situations there was a completely different power dynamic. I guess the meaning of ‘girl’ changes depending on who’s saying it, and things like gender, age, level of intimacy with that person, maybe even things like class all change what type of relationship there is between the other person and the ‘girl’ who’s being referred to.
I know ‘boy’ definitely changes depending on all of those things. In masculine terms though, I feel like gender has the opposite effect. A woman calling another woman ‘girl’ doesn’t usually draw as much of an existing power relation as a man calling a woman ‘girl’ (which implies father/daughter). A man calling another man ‘boy,’ however, is powerful because it evokes the power of hundreds of years of class, and even racial, domination. I guess it comes down to whether we’re more interested in using forms of domination that we know already have power in society, or if we want to create our own systems.
Awesome blog BTW!
MDW
In a word, you’ve discovered “context”. Very often in play (for me) the very same word or action will have completely different affects on me and is perceived emotionall (and in other ways) totally different depending on the “context”. Context can be a bit tricky, sometimes it can depend on gender, sometimes it can depend on where we are, sometimes it can depend on what I am doing, or if I’ve had a another crappy day of job hunting or not….while it’s only one word, “context” is extraordinarily complex, but I blieve that’s what’s happening with you. In the context of “age play” it’s not something positive to you…in middle of a great flogging by a hot female it’s a term of endearment….it’s about the context *smile*.
hugs,
Jerry
As a younger (submissive) woman (24) in the kinky community, finding a male Dom under the age of 45 is really difficult. And, like you, I’m not really into the much older guy thing. 30? Fine. 35? Fine. I may be able to handle 40, even though it’s 15 years older than me. But most of the men that find me on the sites are 50-60. And, good for them, but I am just not interested.
However, I have always loved hearing “good girl.” It always makes me feel like I satisfied by partner, like I did what they wanted me to do. Like I was a good girl. I don’t know, it’s always turned me on to hear it.
In your case, it is an interesting thing to consider as to why it’s changed for you. I’m sure it has to do with the partners. You don’t feel like you are being exploited by someone so much older than you. It doesn’t make you feel like a child. Instead, it makes you feel like a good sub, as you should.
thats funny, I had a similar aversion to “good girl” and “Daddys girl” play and it wasnt until Id been with my now husband for about a year that I just started calling him Daddy, and having it just feel..right. Now, years later I proudly wear my Daddys Girl tattoo for the world to see, but I still gett offended if the wrong person calls me a little girl
It could be the partners - or it could also be that you’re no longer in college and not being treated as a kid by school and parents.
I’ve had a similar experience with and feeling about the term, though not really age-play related. I absolutely hate it when someone I’m not intimate or playing with says it to me, even friends or younger Dominants around my age who say it in a completely non-age play way get on my nerves. There are only two people I’ve ever liked hearing it from, and those were people I was in a relationship with, because it means more when it comes from someone you’re intimate with and care about I think. That’s my experience with it, anyway.
I don’t have anything to add to the insightful comments that have already been made, but I wanted to let you know that I really liked this post.
“Good girl” can be a powerful endearment when isn’t used to belittle or disempower, “Good girl” can make a bad girl melt :)
“Have I ever mentioned that communication is key?”
Absolutely right.
I would agree with Jerry - the words were being used in a time and place and by people that gave them very positive and sexy connotations, as opposed to how they were used in the past :)
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