I AM Trying
Sometimes, I just want to give up.
Remember last year, when J called me a tranny chaser, and a detriment to the trans community? And how hurt I was?
I’m feeling that a again. A livejournal group geared towards FTM me wrote about my Mr. Man review…which was awesome, as I’ve gotten lots of hits, and gained some interested insight. However, I’ve also been thrown under the bus for my use of the word bio cock. And then when I tried to explain that I usually didn’t use an adjective for cock (I can suck anyone’s cock – flesh, silicone, XX or XY), but had to in order to differentiate it being a blow job dildo rather than a penis extension/sleeve, I was told that my “good intentions” were in fact harmful to the trans community. That when I suggested XY cock as a possibly better options, or asked for a better synonym to use in the future, I was “conceptualizing” everything wrong, and had no idea what I was talking about. That I was generalizing about Mr. Man’s use, and should have instead focused solely on the dimensions and such of the product, instead of having made assumptions. I was told I was cis-sexist.
I want to just curl up in a ball and cry. Imagine the you acknowledge your privilege (race/ability/sex/etc), and work so hard to educated people on an issue, and then someone tells you that you’re a racist, that you’re not a feminist, you’re sexist, an able-ist, etc.
I KNOW that I do not know everything about anything, including trans culture. While there is much debate as to whether Femme is a trans identity, I know I am not part of the transgender community. I know that I have privilege, and although I get sick of being invisible in the queer community so often, I know that I have an easier time of it.
I try so hard to be a good trans ally. I ask people’s pronouns when I meet/write them. I post things here relevant, like studies, calls for submissions. I write about the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care, and how hurtful some of these surgery rules can be. I posted an impassioned letter about getting GID taken out of the DSM. I have had trans partners, and done everything I could think of to be as kind, caring, and validating as I could be. I’ve helped trans friends find therapists and doctors. I’ve written a curriculum for medical professionals on how to make their offices more LGB AND T inclusive. I’ve read much literature; Jameison Green, Donna Rose, Feinberg, Serano, Bornstein. I’ve sat down and talked with people. I’ve changed my language as I’ve figured out more things; I use the term cisgender, I’ve changed from using bio guy to XY guy, I’m trying.
That’s just it. I’m trying. I’m not perfect. I know this. But I am trying my damnedest. Really, I am. Language is and will always be hard; what some people prefer, others find offensive. I’ve heard the term “tranny cock” used in a positive and sexual connotation, where as other people would tar and feather you if you used it. I personally prefer not to be called a lesbian (queer, dyke, etc work for me), but I know lesbians who will hate you for calling them queer. People have different feelings about different words, and I am trying my absolute best not to offend anyone, but it can, and will (obviously) happen.
I needed an adjective for cock, because I didn’t want people to think that it was a penis sleeve or extender. It’s meant for something else. Yes, I could have gone into a long explanation about its usability on erectile tissue of any sort, within a certain size range. However, I was just trying to write a quick review. I DO write posts that are educational (like explaining what cisgender means), but this was a quick and dirty review.
I apologize in advance for offending ANY community. Please know that it is not my intention (unless you are part of a rapist community or have sex with cats, which is completely un-ok in my book) at any time. I am trying. Hard. I am open to new ideas, new terms, suggestions of how to be a better ally to anyone, I promise.
I’m hurting. I can be called fat, ugly, stupid, crippled, etc. And I can handle it. But when I’m told that I’m unfeminist, sexist, homophobic, heterophobic, transphobic, cis-sexist…basically, anything that harms the people communities that I’m doing my best to understand, support and help.
There isn’t really anything else to say. I know on some level that I’m not harming the trans community, and that I’m not heterophoic. But it doesn’t make this hurt less.
That’s all.
-Essin’ Em
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I had the same thing happen to me when I was looking for someone to do a CBT scene with. I was sent a horrible email from a transman.
There is just no good terminology for some trans-sensitive people. And when you use a term like cisgender, many people do not know what term means. I was told to use size, too. To ask for an “ample cock.” Most cisgender guys have hangups about size and think they are not going to be ample enough so that is bad too. It’s intimidating for them.
I was very upset. I spoke to some of my trans friends about it and they told me that the rabid email I got was extreme and rude on his part. There is something wrong when somebody is that sensitive and it’s not me.
It’s not you, either. Talk to some other transmen.
Look. Honestly? Be proud of yourself, and the way you conduct your life, and the care you take to the people around you. And don’t listen to people who cannot provide constructive criticism. Sometimes it’s a good thing to do this, but more often it just hurts. Listen to the people who will meet your effort and good intentions with a sense of grace and charity; these are the people who will genuinely teach you things about community, and about yourself.
I can totally understand why you’d be upset by that accusation! To be honest, as soon as I’d read what you said they’d accused you of, it immediately made me think of what an asshole they must be.
We live in such a mess of political correctness and from reading your blog, I don’t think there’s anybody in the world who makes more of an effort to recognize and be respectful to any and everybody’s self-imposed labels as you. The overriding message I’ve got from reading your posts is that every individual has the right to decide who/what they themselves are – and nobody else.
Your message is respectful and sex-positive and life affirming. You have nothing to apologise about to anybody. Attacking you says more about that person than it says anything about you. It says they are too wrapped up in their own personal bullshit and self importance to recognize who you are, where you come from and what your intentions are.
But one problem us liberal-minded people have is the speed in which we jump on the political correctness train. I HATE the way people ‘reserve the right to be offended’ by things that they shouldn’t be.
You, for example, are a respectful, open-minded person who has nothing but the best of intentions. Even if what you’d said had been offensive, any rational person would have seen that you hadn’t intended it to be.
But people LOVE to get on their high horse and they ADORE having a reason to get their knickers in a twist, so they’ll jump on the attack even if the situation doesn’t call for it.
Respect is a two-way street and this person showed you none.
Total, total agreement with Roland: Attacking you says more about that person than it says anything about you. It says they are too wrapped up in their own personal bullshit and self importance to recognize who you are, where you come from and what your intentions are.
You do your best, and I think that’s a damned good job. I’ve certainly learned a hell of a lot from you.
*hugs*
i’m a trans guy who was not at all offended by your review.
language can be tough and we do the best we can with what we’ve got. and we need to figure it out together when it doesn’t work. i’m sorry you got blasted. we need to learn to be more kind with one another.
One of the biggest problems in the world today is intolerance. It sounds like you have done your best to avoid it in your travels, but no one can be all things to all people at all times. In today’s world of hyper PC sensitivity, I think that people spend waaaaay too much time and effort looking for shit to be offended about.
I happen to be a middle aged, fairly vanilla, overweight white guy, and sadly, MOST of the stereotypes that comedians hurl at that demographic apply to me. I am not blind or in denial, and even though I realize that they are making fun of me in particular, I still think that most of it is true and hilarious at times.
I think that when the overzealous search for PC utopia leads us to turn on each other, especially our allies, a reevaluation of perspective is in order (theirs, not yours).
Anyone who would call you cis-sexist either a) hasn’t actually read most of the stuff you write and doesn’t know anything about you or b) has major issues within themselves and the anger that is being displayed is not actually because of you. Or both, which is most likely the case.
Like you said, everyone has their own word preferences, and someone who responds so passionately and does not even attempt to suggest how you could change it or educate rather than get upset about it. You have obviously put much more thought into everything than they have.
I know that this might not make you feel any better, because it’s always hard to be called something like that, especially when you dedicate your all to trying to not be cis-sexist. However, all I can say is that from where I’m standing, you’re far from cis-sexist, that person just obviously has their own issues to deal with. Some people will twist anything to be offensive to them, it’s just the way they are.
Just because someone who is angry and ignorant calls you something doesn’t mean it is true.
I’m sorry there wasn’t more I could do. I’m sending you lots of virtual hugs and kisses, and would give you real ones if I could!
I’m so sorry that you felt that backlash from the trans community… It isn’t fair and it isn’t representative of a huge amount of us.
I appreciate anyone who even tries and from what I’ve seen of your writing, you’re doing a lot more than just trying. You’re listening, you’re trying to understand us (and cripes is that difficult) and you’re helping to open the trans community up to the rest of the world. That’s just the sort of support we need from our allies.
Thank you, Em! :)
ok, so, i don’t have much experience organizing around trans communities, and i can’t necessarily speak to the particulars of this experience. i do a fair amount of anti-racist work, though, and i’ve observed a few things that you might find useful. or not.
-being an ally is an ongoing process. you never stop learning.
-sometimes you’ll fuck up. it doesn’t make you a terrible person, it makes you human.
-but, when you do fuck up, don’t get defensive and assume that the other person is out to get you. if you said/did something fucked up, try to think about how to say/do it better next time, but dwelling on it is not helpful for you *or* for the group you’re trying to be an ally to.
-and consider the fact that the people who complain about being “too PC” are frequently the ones trying to be assholes under the guise of free speech.
I’ve made a comment here along these lines before, but it’s applicable here too.
All things exist in statistical clouds, close or far from their neighbors based on their differing degrees of commonality. Nature does not furnish very many hard boundaries, but people are limited, and we have to look at the cloud, see if there are any clumps, and draw the line of a label around it.
Labels can certainly be misused, but a label that is precise, fair, and driven by facts and not opinions is not a threat to anyone. You were having a discussion that hinged on some very distinct facts-that some people are born with a big chunk of erectile tissue, and that some people replicate that with something constructed. That’s a useful distinction. Taking note of it does not imply the supremacy of one. It’s doesn’t imply that people having one or the other are defective, or abnormal, or anything else pejorative. It wasn’t in a charged context where simply noting it means you regard it as unusual. It simply notes a very distinct, very pertinent fact. And no one should be threatened by facts.
I’m a transguy myself and trust me, you’re not the ONLY one that’s had a problem with the “literary police” on that particular LJ community.
A fellow transman pointed me in the direction of the Mr. Man, I read your review, and then I read this… so I’m commenting on this way late. But I felt compelled to do so.
As a transman, let me say that there was *nothing* in the Mr. Man review that offended me, nor was there anything that led me to think you are bigoted or a detriment to any community at all. You conceptualize things just fine. Your good intentions are not a detriment to anyone, or anything. Some people need to get the hell over themselves, IMO.
*HUG*