Sexuality Happens

As we all know, I love sex toys. A lot.  A lot a lot in fact.  However, I also really like porn, especially good queer porn.  And this night, this night o’ Christmas Eve (Erev Christmas, as the Jews would say. Or at least the Jews in my family do), I have decided to give you a review of a freaking amazing, sexy, salacious, dyke-a-delic porno. 

You may glance at me quizzically.  No, I am not talking about the Crash Pad Series. No, nor am I talking about Good Dyke Porn. Not even am I talking about NoFauxxx.com. Although of course, you can find hot queer porn at all of these places.

My friends, let me introduce you to Madison Young. She is queer, she’s kinky, she makes really hot porn that she stars in, and now, for our (at least my) viewing pleasure, she’s put together a steamingly sexy porn movies with some of the hottest queer people around.

Please, let me introduce you to Lesbian Life: Real Sex San Francisco.

This movie features some of my favorite stars (many of which are seen in other queer movies), such as Jiz Lee, Shawn, Carson, Lorelei Lee and of course, Dylan Ryan. Amazing line up, if I do say so myself.

My favorite two scenes of the movie are the first and second (possibly because my first time watching it, we made it through the first two enjoying them, and about halfway through the third scene, with Shawn and Carson, we wound up starting to make out, and then ended up getting into a super hot n’ heavy spanking scene, and missed the last scene and a half. I had to re-watch it…poor me :)  

The first scene has my porn crush of all time (yes, Jiz has now surpassed both Nina Hartley, AND Nina from Working Girlz), Jiz Lee.  Scene opens with the monkey bars, and Jiz is doing things on them that make me thing really naughty and inappropriate things. I mean, monkey bars…and sex? Bad Essin’ Em.  But then it follows Jiz to a picnic blanket, and there we find Lorelei Lee…with Jiz. And a camera. And strawberries. Cue hot public sex park fucking.  New fantasy for me…not much of one for sex in the grass, but with Jiz Lee, I’d do anything! (Edit to save myself from awkward questions: No, I wouldn’t break my hard limits, obviously)

Cut to next scene. Shawn. Oh, Shawn. F is deeply, deeply, deeply in lust with Shawn. While I personally have a bigger crush on Jiz Lee, I certainly have Shawn in my dream/fantasy cast as well (Jiz, if you’re reading this, I’m doing the awkward turtle hand motion right now. Maybe the awkward snail too, but that looks like I’m fisting my hand…). 

Anyways. Picture Shawn, who is super hot period…in a MECHANIC’S JUMPSUIT. Ok, if you didn’t come a little right there, I don’t know what’s wrong with you.  Enter lots of hot fucking, including really cute little oil/dirt smudges all over Shawn as the two of them (Lorelei is also in this scene) fuck like monkeys in a motorcycle garage.

The next scene is hot too, in a tattoo shop. Three words for you; Black. Latex. Gloves. Did you get wet when I said that? Cause I’m getting wet just thinking about it.  Shawn comes prepared to be tattooed by Carson (um, with PS, the sweetest line I’ve ever heard in porn; Shawn wants a broken and sewed up heart tattooed, and Carson asks if Shawn is sure.  Shawn: “It’s already been done.”  Cue “awwww….” Seriously. We both said it)…and when I say comes prepared, I also mean strapped on.  Mmmmm.

Last scene needs no explanation. Dylan Ryan, one of my favorite Femme queer porn peeps, and Jiz Lee, my favorite genderqueer, super sexy, hi I want you in my bed queer porn peep. Together. In Trouble’s (from NoFauxxx) bed. Fucking. End. Of. Story.

So go out and get this film. Really. It’s one of the best porn MOVIES (as compared to scenes, like Good Dyke Porn and Crash Pad) I’ve ever seen. And as I’ve seen more than a thousand films, I think that says something. Just saying.

Lesbian Life: Real Sex San Francisco. Get it. Love it. Come a lot.

-Essin’ Em

Warning: I’m going to talk about vaginas, gynos, body fluids, etc. If you can’t handle it, go away.

Hello. I’m Essin’ Em, a tired and weary sex blogger who is getting paid tons of money to bring you this PSA about…

Ok, that’s a dirty lie. I’ve decided, solely out of the goodness of my heart, to bring you this PSA. Which for some people, could be viewed as a Pussy Service Announcement, or as a Penis Service Announcement.

I went to Planned Parenthood the other week for my bi-annual (I’m told in San Fransisco, they tell the gay boys to do it every 3 months, but I can only afford every 6 months, and am low risk…so…yeah) STI testing. Oooh. Fun. I know.

This was actually an amazing visit.  Their staff (keep in mind I was in a Denver suburb…a fairly conservative suburb) was incredibly knowledgeable about queer things (they even brought up toys as a possible carrier for STIs, and then were really interested when I explained about sterilizable toys, and phthalates, etc). We had a good talk about our shared anger on companies (like Organon) not testing their birth control (like Implanton and the Patch) on “over weight women” and how stupid it was, since half of american women of child-bearing age are “over weight,” etc. I felt completely at home.

As usual, I got the full panel, and you’ll be glad to know that I am still STI free. Hurray! However, while I was on the nice little exam table, my feet spread apart in the stirrups, and with the doctor telling me that I had a nice cervix (seriously, every gyno I’ve seen has told me that. Apparently, my cervix is super sexy), I decided to take the plunge. I mean, I’d already told them that my main sex partner had other sex partners, that I was queer, that I used sex toys, etc. What was there to lose?

“So, um, I have a question. We have fairly rough sex/long sex sessions in general, and I’m usually spending the next day or two healing. However, I’ve been taking a really long time to heal. Like, as in, it still hurts. We use a lot of lube, and the soreness is fine, I just don’t know why it’s taking so long to heal.” She first did the “are you SURE you’re using enough lube” schtick, and once I assured her, she decided to take another look. In fact, my poor cunt’s PH was off, and after a look under the microscope, she realized that in fact…I had BV. (That’s Bacterial Vaginosis).

Yeah. Ugh. It’s not an STI – some non-sexually active people get it.  70% of pregnant women get it.  About half the people (XX bodied) who have it get a fishy like smell with it – that’s where that stereotype about women smelling like fish comes from. I was lucky…I actually didn’t have many of the symptoms…just the pain in the small vaginal tears (from sex) caused by the super acidic PH.  No fishy smell for me, luckily.

I am finished my antibiotics.  It’s “only” seven days…but seven days you can’t drink ANYTHING.  Even a sip or two of wine will make you throw up for hours.  So I waited till after my birthday party to start it (w/ doctor’s permission).  In the time I was on them, I took a friend for an abortion, Athena died, I got in a big fight with the fam, etc. I needed a drink, but of course, I didn’t drink. Now my vagina is all happy and healthy again :)

However, let me point out that I had none of the “traditional” symptoms. No odd colored discharge, no fishy smell, no itching or burning…just prolonged soreness from sex…minute tears that wouldn’t heal. Had I not brought it up, and asked, I would have never known. I could have let it get worse, I could have passed it on, etc.  My pills were $6 (without insurance) – well worth it for my vaginal health.

So know your body. If something feels different, if your period is usually regular and is suddenly sporadic, if sex (including masturbation) doesn’t feel as good anymore, if you’re lubricating way more than usual, you name it — talk to someone. Gynos are not just for STIs, birth control and open sores.  Find a good one – ask friends, call around, find one you can talk to.  Hell, I talked to my old physical therapist about using my knee e-stim unit as a kink item (how to do it safely). You’d be surprised at what your doc might be ok with.  But get yourself checked out.  Your body had earned that.  Know what is “normal” for YOU (not for anyone), and if that “normal” changes at all, get someone with a medical (I’m including Chinese/Alternative/Herbal medicine in this, if that’s your style) background to take a closer look.

And so concludes your PSA.

-Essin’ Em

(As a side note, I have a curriculum I’ve written for medical professionals on how to make their practice more LGBTQ inclusive.  If you or anyone you know would have use of this, or would like me to come present to them, please let me know)

Remember L?  She’s in the band Speakeasy, Tiger, and her band mate posted an interesting note on facebook about what people’s definition of love is.  It really made me think, and here was the response that I gave him this answer:

Love Is:

*Fluid. Morpheus. Always changing, growing, and adapting.

*Taking care of someone when they’re sick..even if they’re gross and sneezy. And kissing them anyway.

*Supporting someone in their passions and endeavors, even if they don’t mesh with yours.

*Asking probing questions (why do you love to play that instrument, what make that your favorite book, who has inspired you the most), even if you’re tired, and just want one word answers.

*Remembering someone’s favorite food…and learning to cook it, even if your idea of cooking is grilled cheese.

*Being with someone not only through the good times, the easy times, the fun times, but also the bad times, the hard times, the sad times.

*Knowing when one, or both of you, need space. And taking that space.

*Being the big spoon, even when you’d much rather always be the little spoon.

*Loving means letting go when you absolutely have to.

Love is and can be so many different things to so many different people. There is no one definition that is across the board for everyone. More over, love can mean different things to the same person, depending on who or what they’re loving.

What are your definitions of love?

The Hitachi Magic Wand is the only vibrator you’ll ever need again.

I mean, that’s really the entire review of it.  It is one of the top selling items at Babeland, but elsewhere as well.  Pretty much every sex toy retailer sells more Hitachis than anything else.  Why? Because they are freaking amazing.

Someone once asked me how I’d describe the Hitachi.  If a normal orgasm is like a rainstorm, the Hitachi is a like a tsunami.  If a normal orgasm is like a Hershey’s kiss, a Hitachi is like Godiva. If a normal orgasm is like a shot of McCormicks, the Hitachi is Grey Goose.  Get it yet?

It plugs into the wall. That’s right; no batteries, no waiting for it to recharge. Super green and environmentally friendly. Plus, the Hitachi has been around for decades upon decades. As they say, if it ain’t broke, then don’t fix it.  The Hitachi is amazing. It’s wonderful. It’s perfect. 

I give them as presents to people. I recommend them to people. I take people to get their first vibrator, and help them get Hitachis. They are the best toys you’ll ever own.

You can also use them as back massagers…I know it sounds kind of odd, but I mean, that IS what they were designed for.  I have definitely used them to get the kinks out, and in this case, kink is not a synonym for orgasm.

There are also all kinds of attachments you can use (silicone, of course), for vaginal penetration, for anal penetration, for additional clitoral stimulation.

Basically, this is the most wonderful and amazing sex toy you can and will ever buy. I am not kidding. I am not guilty of hyperbole.  You can use it alone, during intercourse, on a partner, with a partner. Use it for sex, use it for back massages.

Get a Hitachi Magic Wand. I cannot recommend it any higher. If I had to get rid of every single sex toy I own (and I own more than 150), and only keep one, I’d keep the Hitachi.

-Essin’ Em

Congrats to Amethyst, who won my Holiday Gift Giveaway from Babeland.com! She won the Good Clean Fun Kit, which looks like it’ll be a blast :) Enjoy!

Here is her entry, that won: 

Ginna led her lover into the bedroom and splayed her out on the bed, stepping back to admire the deliciously naughty sight of her blindfolded lover. Using sweet, edible body paint, she began painting a masterpiece on Lia’s back, illustrating the plethora of naughty things she wanted to do tonight. She hummed as she worked, but occasionally interrupted herself to whisper sweet, provocative nothings: “You’re so fucking beautiful, Lia, and you have no idea what’s in store for us tonight.” Deprived of sight, Lia’s sense of touch was so peaked that even the moving air from Ginna’s whispers brushing against her back felt like an exquisite, feather-light massage. As she concentrated, she began to realize what scenes were being created on her own body: she could discern the circular shapes of handcuffs, the stern linearity of a spreader bar, and the fine, light strokes illustrating a feather. Ginna leaned over and began to trace a few of her drawings in light strokes with the tip of her tongue, letting the warmth of her breath surge over Lia’s skin. Suddenly, she gave Lia’s ass a loud, hard spank and told her to get up.

She led Lia into the bathroom, where she had already drawn a steaming hot bath, filled to the brim with frothy bubbles. She picked Lia up in her arms and gently placed her in the water, being careful to move ever so slowly, so that her lover could savor the sensation of the water’s surface slowly moving up to envelope her body. Once Lia was comfortably sitting in the tub, Ginna first deposited a bath fizzy into the water, letting it’s frantic spinning release miniature bubbles into the water to tickle her lover, then picked up a waterproof vibrator and turned it on. Without the distraction of sight, Lia’s sense of hearing was heightened and she heard the soft, monotonous buzz of the vibrator getting louder and louder as Ginna walked towards her. She felt the water rippling around her as Ginna moved it down into the water, towards Lia’s throbbing pussy and when it finally reached her clit, she gasped. As Ginna maneuvered the vibrator into Lia’s cunt, she used her other hand to tear off the blindfold. For the first time that night, they looked into each other’s eyes. Their lips collided in a passionate kiss and then, the night really began.

Congrats again!

-Essin’ Em

Angel/Devil Bettie (RIP) by Olivia

Pleasurists is your round-up of the adult product reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #7? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #9? Submit it here before Sunday December 14th at 11:59pm PST. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• Sexy Kinky Swag Giveaway Deadline: Friday December 19th at 11:59pm PST.
• Holiday Contest!! Deadline: December 24th.
• Swag Contest: Win a Rabbit Habit or Pink Kink Kit! Deadline: December 27th, 8pm PST
• Win a Hot New Sex Toy! Deadline: February 1st.

On to the reviews…

Editor’s Pick

• LELO Mia by Beautiful Dreamer

Note: there is a written component to the review as well. Read it here.

Madame Editrix

Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

Vibrators

• Diamond Butterfly by Backseat Boohoo
• Mia by Ansley Agnello
• LELO Gigi by Hedonistic Bitch
• If Jane Jetson Had a Vibrator – bSoft by Ansley Agnello
• Driving Home – Petite pink Ribbon Vibe by HedonisticBitch
• Bnaughty by Dangerous Lilly
• G Art by HedonisticBitch
• Rock Chick by Panthera Pardus
• Sweet G by Hot Movies For Her Sex Toy Crew
• Buzz 1 by Ellie Lumpesse
• Ivy Intimate Massager by Curvaceous Dee

Dildos

• Don Wands Rainbow Mega Nubby by Backseat Boohoo
• Silk and Strap Ons – The Silk 1 Review by Thursday’s Child
• Gushing with Delight – Fun Factory Delight by Sexorcism
• Way Ahead of the Curve – The Fun Factory Curve by Thursday’s Child
• LELO Ella and my first ejaculation by Epiphora
• I Love LELO (the Ella this time) by HedonisticBitch
• UltraReal (and ultra creepy) by Dangerous Lilly

Anal Toys

• The Romp by MarcelloNYC
• The Gift of Bob (LELO) by HedonisticBitch
• She’s Black, with a little Blue… – Don Wand Colbalt Blue Bubble Plug by Mollena
• Babeland Anal Beads by Nadia West

Toys for Boys

• Silicone Cock Sling by Monkey

Sex Kits

• Babeland G-spot Kit by Ansley Agnello
• Babeland Body Kit | Mini by Erin Leone

Lube/Massage Oil

• Afterglow Candle by Erin Leone
• Sliquid Sassy Booty Formula by Ansley Agnello
• Babeland Entice Lube by Sexorcism
• Pink Water Lube by Betty Rocket
• Light My Fire, Baby – Massage Candles by Ang

BDSM/Fetish

• Axovus Ankle Cuffs by Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek
• Double Slapper by Dangerous Lilly
• Padded Blindfold by Essin’ Em
• Church of Sinvention Bondage Cuffs by Domina Doll
• SL Leather Padded Blindfold by Ellie Lumpesse
• Hold Me Back – Super Cuffs by Bad Bad Girl
• Tie Me Down – Under the Bed Restraints by Bad Bad Girl
• Tie Me Up – Sports Cuffs and Tethers by Bad Bad Girl

Erotic Books/Games

• X – The Erotic Treasury by The Porn Librarian

Adult Movies/Porn

• Post-Apocalypic Cowgirls by J.D. Bauchery
• Johnny Hazzard Feed the Need by The Porn Librarian
• Bride of Sin by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival
• Erotic Blends by The Porn Librarian

Miscellaneous

• Jaguar Harness by Erin Leone
• LELO Luna Pleasure Bead System – The Ikea of Geisha Balls by Betty Rocket
• Jaguar Harness by Monkey
• XL Adult Toybox from FYN by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival

Remember my nice little sexy write up (with pictures!) about playing in the airport with the really hot Domme from Philly?  And the piercing scene in the handicapped stalled?  Well, I was looking at her profile on CollarMe.com, and she had written her own entry about it. I asked her if she wouldn’t mind me posting it on here, and she gave it the A-OK.  Ergo:

So how does one get away with BDSM in an airport?

This was a dilema while packing My carry-on. I felt having anything blatant in My bag was going to attract attention that would make it harder to get away with using whatever implement it might be. I decided on play piercing, since it’s quiet. Our interests and boundaries had already been made clear online when we set this up. I never told her My plan though. She had no idea what would happen. I got through security no problem. We met, as arranged, at the bar on a quieter level with a little-used bathroom. I opened My bag and showed her the needles. she grinned.

she went to the handicap stall as instructed. I went to the one next to it. I stocked what I needed in My pockets and slid my bag under to her stall. We waited. I slipped into her stall when the coast was clear. she had her shirt & bra off already, ready, excited. she turned around and put her hands on the wall over the toilet, winking over her shoulder at Me as I put on the gloves as quietly as possible. Ever notice how the more excited you are the harder it is to be quiet?

I put My arm around her breathing deeply against her neck. she synced her breath with Mine. In, out, in, out, so ready. I love an experienced sub, one who knows without having to be told. I sterilized her skin and pinched it, waiting for her breathing rythm to steady. Steady. she inhaled; I pushed the needle through as she exhaled. Again. Again. Again. It is hard to find people who love needles. Again, Again, Again. Inhale, pierce the flesh, exhale. Again, Again, Again. Quiet gasps and trying not to draw attention to ourselves.

What would homeland security have to say upon discovering a half naked woman looking like a pin-cushion? Again, Again, Again. How I love it: the pace of the ramping up, the importance of the breath, the way you can feel the endorphins build, the way a sub steadies, solidifies, as you push the new energy in. Again, Again, Again. These needles have been sitting, waiting, a long time, waiting for her, waiting for the extra thrill of getting caught, waiting for the high. Again, Again, Again…  and then time to remove them.  

I recapped the needles and cleaned her up. she didn’t bleed much, at all actually, until I took them out, and even then just a little. Our flights were soon, get dressed, go. I walked out and waited at the sink to make sure she wasn’t about to faint or too high to know where she was going. I walked her part-way, we hugged, we were soon in the sky en route to opposite coasts…omg I love My life! 

Yup.  I got to relive it all over again as I read this. Was I wet and excited all over again? Oh, you betcha! I highly recommend her, airport scenes, and play piercing.  Even all at once :)

-Essin’ Em

This week’s HNT theme is supposed to be about Christmas trees.  However, I’m part of the Jew-Tang clan (oh, that’s right, I said it…challah!), and don’t have a Christmas tree (although my best friend’s mother did give me “Channukah Bells” to hang on my door, so I wouldn’t feel so left out about not having a wreath).

Ergo, I busted out the Menorah (even though Channukah doesn’t officially begin until Sunday night).  And yes, this is a picture from last year…I’m not quite ready to be taking naked pictures again.

So what ever you celebrate; Christmas, Advent, Channukah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan (I know that was earlier, still!), Solstice, Non-Denominational Winter Holiday of Love, Joy and Giving, or whatever (even if you’re a Scrooge like character), I hope you are enjoying the holiday season, at least to some extent.

And that’s all she wrote.

-Essin’ Em

I love chocolate. I love touching people. I love skin.  Ergo, the Lovers Paintbox was obviously a brilliant choice for me.

Instead of playing with these with a partner/lover, I decided to get a wider range of opinions, and I took this kit with me to my birthday party.  I figured that we might wind up playing a game like Truth or Dare (yes, I’m in my 20′s, but it’s a damn good game), and it’s always good to have…options…when playing that kind of game.

Good plan.  A few rounds in, I was dared to paint my name in chocolate on Sasha Sappho’s cleavage. I did, in a variety of flavors and colors (cause this had three flavors/colors; dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and white chocolate).  And then I was challenged to lick it off…which took freaking forever.

I’ve tried out a chocolate body pain before, by Shunga. It was fairly liquidy, like chocolate syrup.  These chocolate paints were different – thicker, chocolatier, etc.  I glanced at the brush, but honestly, it was way too big for the task at hand, so I just used my fingers. If you wanted thicker lines, it would be just fine…I’ve also used a variety of little make up brushes (clean, unused of course).

General consensus was that the chocolates tasted good, although they were a little too sweet. Also, no one was a very big fan of the vanilla – I thought it has a bit of a strange after taste.

One note; the chocolate has corn syrup in it. Corn syrup = sugar.  DO NOT PUT SUGAR OF ANY KIND NEAR YOUR VAGINA. You will make a new friend…a friend known as yeast infection.

All in all, it was a ton on fun, especially in a group setting, and having used chocolate body paint before, I know it’s a lot of fun between just two people.  However, keep in mind that if you’re going to lick it off, you shouldn’t use a lot, as it takes a lot of licks to get a little off.  A great alternative is do your masterpiece, lick a little, and then take a fun, hot and steamy shower together.

Even better – right now, the Lovers Painbox is on sale!  Even full price, you get a ton of body paint (we only used a tiny hint of it), and right now, you get a super duper deal, thanks to VibeReview.

-Essin’ Em

NoFauxxx.com is hot. It is sexy. It is amazing. Subversive, smutty, queer friendly, body friendly, chubby girl (and boy!) friendly. Kink friendly.  Actually, fuck friendly, it’s just bloody welcoming of all ages, races, body types, fetishes, ability levels, orientations, identities, etc. In fact, it’s an amazing queer site.  I’ll be doing a review for them, and am hoping to shoot with Trouble on my trip to San Fran.  Better yet? They’re having a contest where YOU can win a membership!  Not just for you, in fact, but you can win a FREE, YEAR-LONG membership to NoFauxxx for BOTH you an a friend.  How amazing is that?  Details are below, let the best queer picture win! (PS – Contest deadline is January 5, 2009)

-Essin’ Em

Holiday Photo Contest Info from Trouble:

We want to give you, and one of your friends, one of the best holiday gifts you can get – free queer porn! All you have to do is send us a photograph that shows your definition of “QUEER.” We will judge the photo on artistic quality and content readability – and we will post all of the entries in a special gallery on NoFauxxx.Com!

    Here are the rules.

    1. YOU MUST BE 18 OR OLDER TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS CONTEST. Please include a photo of you holding up your ID (with date of birth clearly readable) along with your photo submission.

    2. Photo can be of anything, but it has to include YOU and a symbol of your definition of “queer.” You do *not* have to be naked, however you are also free to be as naked as you like, and doing anything you like in the photo just as long as it is legal!

    3. Please use your own ideas, we’re looking for something unique and one of a kind! We are looking for photos that have emotional content – we want to look at the photo and say, “Oh! This is what ‘queer’ means to this person!”

    4. Please fill out the additional questions on the form, such as how you took the photo, what gave you the idea, and what your definition of “queer” is.

Models, members, and fans are all eligible to win. Photos must be self-shot or self-directed, and taken specifically for this contest. Photos from a professional photo set probably won’t win this one!

 If you are ready to enter this contest, please fill out the submission form now!

    Submission Form

    Contest Home Page

    Good Luck!

    xo Trouble