Bound and Broken
I’ve had a rough night. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, the floodgates have opened, and everything has hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been crying on and off for an hour. Don’t ask me why, or why now.
Yes, this is an extremely emotional piece of writing. I’m sure in the morning I will feel differently (note — I usually post a few days in advance, but this one is in real time). However, it’s how I feel, and I’ve tried to always be completely honest here. Ergo.
-Essin’ Em
Hand wrapped around my heart, squeezing tightly.
Lump in my throat, challenging me to swallow.
No answer. No responding beep.
I can’t run…you’re everywhere.
Stuck. Scared. Scarred. Hurting.
Can’t saying anything, for fear it’ll hurt you.
Say anything, and I hurt myself more.
Little reminders of you drag sharp nails across my back.
We can’t even talk anymore.
Everything feels forced.
As though talking to me is burning your throat.
I did nothing wrong.
This one is not my fault.
I tried until I bled, till tears poured down my cheeks.
More fall now, echos of my effort.
I tried to be everything and nothing for you.
All that you wanted from me.
And the shadow of nothingness that you seemed to want more.
Mixed signals. Skewed communication.
Passion that burned far too hot, so hot it singed.
I was not supposed to like you.
I was supposed to keep you at a distance, to keep you at bay.
You asked, you requested of me, you BEGGED of me my trust, to open up, to let you in.
I did. In so many ways.
I watched as you took a hammer to the walls that have taken so many years to build.
I opened to you, more than you will ever know.
And what now? Now, when I need you, as I lie here raw, and exposed, and vulnerable, with no wall, no protection, you cannot even look at me. You cannot even talk to me.
I was an idiot.
I still am.
I let you in.
I trusted.
And now, I sit here.
So angry with myself. So hurt. So full of pain that should not be here.
I knew it wouldn’t last forever.
I didn’t want it to.
But I always thought we’d have a connection.
Smiles for each other that reached our eyes.
Instead, I feel like an outcast.
My/Our friends have become your friends. I feel like I’m interrupting.
I feel like when I call you, it is a chore for you to answer.
I feel like when I ask menial questions about workouts and IDs, it is all you can do to not tell me to fuck off.
Antipathy. It hurts worse than hate. At least hate would mean you still care.
Call me dramatic.
Call me too logical.
Is this enough emotion for you?
I share too little, and I’m “stuck in my head.”
I share too much, and suddenly I care too much.
Call me whatever the hell you want.
Just know that I hurt.
It’s my fault.
I let you in.
I should learn not to do that.
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I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time. It almost seems like you enjoy going through situations like this. You have your ideal of what you want, and because of this you don’t settle. You believe in love, but not being IN love. You want someone to cuddle and hold you, but you don’t want to be with anyone.
It’s almost like the “I want a delicious cake that’s fat-free” type of thing. Sometimes you can’t have everything you want.
I know you didn’t ask for any assvice, but I just wanted to say that I know you’re a strong young woman. You have a weak part of you inside that is easily trampled on and easily harmed, and while you’re strong, you often let that part of you rule your life. It almost seems to me like you’re two different people – one who wants to be strong and one who wants to be taken care of.
I hope that you’re able to reconcile the two parts so that you can come into who you truly are. Remember that you’re young, and I guarantee when you look back on this time when you’re older, you’ll shake your head in amazement at how you’ve let your life control you.
Feel better soon.
I remember being curled up on my bed and knowing that life would never be the same again after that point. The pain of that realization was so severe that I was wincing through the tears. I stopped and thought, “this feeling is remarkable”. It was like stepping outside of myself and being able to see the waves of pain. It amazed me that I was capable of feeling that much, especially after being numb for so long. I knew at that moment that it was something I would never let myself forget. I promised myself that from then on I would put that same energy into feeling good, into passion and love.
Fuck it if you get hurt, this is it, this is the pain you always fear and you’re in it. You can do everything in your power to try to avoid it but it will happen regardless. You should be proud of yourself for opening up. It’s beautiful. Instead of closing up because of this you should open up, when you are with the right person it will be the most rewarding thing you ever do.
Many hugs to you.
As others have said, I am so sorry that this happened to you. I know how you feel; I had a girl say she was bisexual once and date me for several months, then break up with me with the note that she “just wanted to try it.” It’s never right to use someone as a stepping stone or an experimental guinea pig, and you deserve so much better than that, my love!
Awww, honey. I hate to see you hurting like this. I’ve watched this situation blossom, and I cringed as it turned in this direction. I wish it could have been so much better for you, but don’t let it make you jaded. Don’t let it rob you of all the beautiful emotions you have. I am, as always, here to listen.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. :(
It will get better eventually. Believe me. Xxx
Oh my dear. Why is it that every time I love in a passionate way it ends like this…. It’s cliche, but it passes. Just try not to let it scar…
Your passion for life, for what you believe in, for LOVE in all it’s forms… is so wonderful. Don’t lose it.