Sexuality Happens

Lessons I’ve Learned (so you don’t have to)

Lucky you.  I learn these lessons, and then I post and write about them so that YOU don’t have to go through them.

Remember post break-up with J, last year?  I created a set of relationship rules for myself.  Long story short, don’t date younger people, don’t date college students, don’t date people without their own place, don’t date people without a job, don’t date people who live more than an hour away. I created these rules in response to many of the issues that broke apart our relationship, oh way back in 2007 (sounds crazy when I say that now).

However, I’ve already broken these rules.  L is a college student, F is a smoker.  L doesn’t have a job, F just started her own company and is struggling with the finances of it in this economy.  L lives with 3 other people — she is rarely alone. F has her own place now, but her last place was eating her soul.

And while these things certainly bothered me to some extent (I still hold that my BV was smoking related), they are things I dealt with because I cared about these people.  While at times frustrating, they were not deal breakers, and they didn’t cause our dating/relationships/partnerships/what have you to fail, as they did with J.

Ergo, I have come to this conclusion.  I cannot make a set of rules per se.  Ok, that’s a dirty lie. I can still have a basic set of rules, but I have to be willing to be flexible about them.  Instead, I’ve learned that I need to focus less on the other person, and on my needs. Yes, this means I need to be less counter dependent…which, since I refusing to be less caring and helpful regarding my friends, means that I need to be ok asking for things.

What do I want? I don’t want kids. I don’t really want to co-habit.  I don’t want to get married.  However, I don’t really want just a fuck buddy either (those are fine, but this is more of what I’m looking for in a long-er term situation).  I want someone to date, to have fun with, who I can cry with, have sex with, become fluid bonded with, who wants to go on spontaneous road trips, and likes to cook breakfast with me.

Here is a list of what I would like in a relationship like thing:

*Someone with a sex drive at least 3/4 of mine. I like to have sex, a lot. And for long periods of time. The first month F and I were together, we had sex 5-6 times a week, for hours at a time. And then that slowed down, but my sex drive didn’t. Can has wants sex0rs?

*Someone who will bring me soup when I’m sick. To be perfectly honest and needy, there is nothing I want more when I’m sick than Olive Garden minestrone (my second knee surgery, I went through six quarts in a week) or miso soup. However, I’m not picky.  Just soup.

*Someone who my cat(s) like. And who likes my cat(s). Because that is a deal-breaker.  They don’t have to be the pied piper of the feline variety, but my cat(s) are my kids.  End. Of. Story.

*Someone who gets, or is at least willing to try and understand my disability. No, I cannot walk up 3 flights of stairs. Some days, I can’t even make three or four stairs.  Someone who understands when I’m having a bad knee day. Someone who doesn’t think I’m making it up. Someone who gets that I’m bad enough to have an open narcotics prescription and doesn’t tell me to take advil when my knees hurt.  Someone that will visit me after my next surgery.

*Someone that gets my nerdy side as well as my kinky side, and my queer side. I’m not willing to pretend to be society’s idea of “cool” when I am not. At all. I embrace my nerdiness.  They should as well.

*Not a morning person. God, I hate that.  People should not wake up at 7am or 8am on the weekends. Just saying.

*They should be around my silliness level. If I want to dance in public (not at a club), it shouldn’t embarrass them. If I teach a strap on class wearing a harness and dildo, it shouldn’t be an issue. If I sing “I Touch Myself” at karaoke and fake an orgasm on stage, I’d rather they laugh than cover their eyes.

*I should trust them enough to be able to cry in front of them.  Other than my two best friends, I’ve met four people in my life that I can *actually* cry in front of instead of walking away, or changing the subject.  As I have a lot of trouble with this, it’s actually quite important.

*Someone that “gets” that I am a sex blogger, and write about sexuality, sex, reviewing sex toys, etc. I’m not stopping my blog for anyone.

*Someone who is attracted to me.  Not to my blog, my career, the fact I’m a BBW (god, I HATE that term), etc. Someone who thinks *I* am interesting and beautiful as a person. Not Essin’ Em. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else, but it’s important to me.

*Someone who is kinky, or at least willing to experiment. And if they’re not so into it, they’re ok with me going to play parties and play with others.

*Someone who communicates. Brings up issues, and is willing to talk. Not just in the bedroom, but in general.

*Someone who reads. Or at least understands why I read and am book obsessed.

That’s it for now.  Dear readers, especially those who have been following me for a while, what am I missing?  What else do I *need*?

-Essin’ Em

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27 comments

27 Comments so far

  1. literalman January 7th, 2009 7:08 am

    Coincidentally, a LJ friend of mine is looking (http://malnpudl.livejournal.com/559497.html) for very roughly the same thing: someone with a sex drive almost equal to her own, someone to become fluid bonded with, someone to care about her as a person — yet someone who wouldn’t want to actually cohabit with her. It’s the last part that I don’t get: I understand that she is used to having her place be her place, but what type of partner wouldn’t want to ultimately cohabit with the one person they’re fluid bonded to? Isn’t the care-of-you-when-you’re sick easier when you don’t have to commute?

    On the other hand, I do understand the lure of having the other person stil have a place of their own to which you can kick them when necessary. For a long while I essentially cohabited with my SO, even though I still had a place of my own.

    Hope I’m not too forward.

    Literalman

  2. Miss Avarice January 7th, 2009 12:02 pm

    Dana asked me last night what a BBW is, before I had read this post, and I went on a rampage about how much I hate the term! Yuck!

    But this is a good list, dear, I’m glad you’ve been able to sort through some things.

  3. Alpine Subdreams January 7th, 2009 1:09 pm

    This is a great post and I’m happy to see that you are focusing on what you need in a relationship.

    The only thing that I didn’t see was mutual respect but with everything you listed, it goes without saying.

  4. Beautiful Dreamer January 7th, 2009 4:31 pm

    I wish I was able to put into words what I want. So bravo to you for being able to do that.

    I think you covered everything. :)

  5. female libido enhancers January 8th, 2009 7:00 am

    What you need is a hell of a lot more of readers to share your insights with. So true, what you have said here. So true…

  6. greg January 8th, 2009 7:40 am

    Good for you for knowing what you need and not being afraid to ask for it. You’re doing great! :)

  7. matie January 9th, 2009 12:43 pm

    hey sweetie-
    i’m so proud of you–and proud to know you–
    I think it’s so great you’re defining what you want.
    and i get it.
    especially this one-
    “*Someone who is attracted to me”
    I’m both bigger and smaller than my job-and I need someone who loves me outside and inside of that role. Who can support the dream. But, also fall in love with all the parts that don’t get a public face. It’s best (for me) when they think those are the most special.
    Thanks for giving a name to that space for me–it’s going on my list.
    and you’re the prettiest zombie ever.

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