Sexuality Happens

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #157? Submit a link to your best post of the week by emailing me directly at radicalvixenatgmaildotcom Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

Mouth Music

“Can you feel the heat of my lips taunting you yet?”

4 a.m.

“My mouth craves skin and I dip my head to her shoulder.”

Wanting

“I want my whisper in your ear to make you shiver”

Sugasm Editor

Sex Work And Honesty: Being Too Honest

Editor’s Choice

To Richard, A Dedication. Confession #205

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

Body like a battleaxe

The Fantasy of Infidelity

Hollywood-The Diva Bull Who Hated Condoms

The Making of a Stripper With Benefits

Sex In A Bar Fantasy

Touch

Unbidden Fantasies

Yearning

Your Smug Grin

Sex News, Reviews, & Interviews

Fetish Interview with Mistress160

Immagini di un convento — Sexually Active Nuns

Top Five Tuesday: Our Favorites of 2008!

Sexual Poetry

When I think of her eyes…

BDSM & Fetish

A day in the life…

Donald D.U.C.K.

Energy Independence

Flip the switch, and make it burn…

His piss slut

Pre-Christmas Adventure

Seaside Vacation Spanking with a Switch

Seven In One Day

Short Sweet Visciousness

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio

Merry Christmas

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

But You Don’t LOOK Gay!

Dirty Boy

Interracial Depth

The Perverted Negress: Origins

This is Your Brain, on Masturbation [podcasturbation]

What Does a Big Penis Feel Like to a Woman?

This Friday January 16th at 7pm Femina Potens brings you Shanna Katz aka Essin’ Em.  Essin’ Em will be presenting Basics of Poly and Relationship Mapping workshop.  
This workshop is primarily a lecture and discussion on the ideas of polyamory, open-relationships, non-monogamous relationships, etc. In addition to talking about what poly is (and what it can and does mean to different people), we’ll go over the basic types of relationships that people have (primary, secondary and tertiary) in their lives, how we can map them, patterns to look for, and what we can get out of these maps. We’ll also discuss communication and negotiation with your partners, mediation, and what to do when one or more of you is feeling hurt.  Come open minded, and prepared examine your own relationship(s). 

Workshop is $10 – $15 sliding scale, no one turned away for lack of funds.  

Shanna Katz (aka Essin-Em) is a kinky, queer, non-monogamous, feminist, politically active, sex-educator Femme, with a bit of twisted sense of humor. Her sexuality blog “Sexuality Happens” can be found at www.Essin-Em.com. She spends her time pondering sex, sexuality, the gender spectrum, non-traditional relationships, sex toys, erotic writing, queer sexuality, new definitions of feminism and more.

She has a Master’s in Human Sexuality Education, and does work both online and face-to-face, educating people in a variety of ways about a variety of subjects. She has done trainings, workshops and written curricula for numerous universities including SUNY-Purchase, Colorado College and Princeton University, and has presented at the Planned Parenthood Association of Bucks Country (Doylestown, PA), Passional Toys (Philadelphia, PA), Hysteria Boutique (Denver, CO) and S.E.X. PhD (Denver, CO). In her free time, she’s a mother to her kitty Kinsey, and is a roller derby referee for the Denver Rollers Dolls. For more information on Shanna, go to www.ShannaKatz.com.

Femina Potens is located at 2199 Market St. @ Sanchez.  SF,CA 94114. www.feminapotens.org.

Reserve your tickets early at Brown Paper Tickets.

I don’t want to have children.  Especially not children that are borne by me. Ergo, you’d think I wouldn’t give a flying moose’s buttocks about breast feeding.

If you happened to think that, you’d be dead wrong.

Breast feeding is VERY important to me. My mother tried to breast feed me, but I gave up after a day or two of that (and with all these studies saying breast feeding your child can make your child smarter, can you imagine where I’d be if I was breast fed? And if I ate breakfast? I’d be taking over the world or something!). Breast feeding has been shown to pass through to children important antibodies that help prevent them from having wicked allergies (which I totally have), can increase their intelligence (see above), and helps the parent bound with their child (I don’t get along with my mother. At all. Case in point).

Many states (including Colorado!!!) have passed a breast feeding law, which usually states (in more official terms) that a woman has the right to breast feed anywhere that she has a right to be. Which makes sense. It is not a sexual act, it is not pornographic, it is not obscene.  While I *personally* would love for it to be legal to masturbate in a nightclub, I understand why that law has not been passed. I also understand how important it is for women to feel comfortable to feed their child (which is exactly what is happening during breast feeding), wherever they are, and whenever the child is hungry.

A few years ago, LiveJournal banned breastfeeding pictures.  Now, Facebook has hopped on that bandwagon, deleting pictures that have already been up for years, even if they don’t show the nipple. Their case? Breastfeeding is obscene.

As someone who has had some pictures deleted on facebook (because they were “sexually suggestive” — me riding a vacuum, fully clothed, etc. No nudity involved), I know how frustrating it can be. First your picture gets deleted (they don’t tell you which one, of course, you have to go figure it out yourself) and you get an email stating such.  Then you get an email telling you you’ve misused facebook features, and your account may be deleted. This bloody well sucks.  You feel angry, and frustrated, especially if you didn’t know you were violating their TOS, because they change them all the bloody time (and also, “breastfeeding” is not specifically mention, I checked).  You worried that your only way of connecting with certain people from your past (or present) may be taken away from you.  You feel confused, as to what you did wrong.

All this is ridiculous. I agree, there should not be pictures of penises and vaginas on facebook — there are people under 18 who have pages. However, breast feeding IS DONE IN PUBLIC on a regular basis. In lots and lots and lots of places. I think this rule is stupid, silly, random, and it puts shame onto breast feeding women. Which in my mind, is hurtful, and just plain wrong.

It is with this rant, that I put forth some information on a petition, mural, and passive protest of this new move by Facebook.  Information is below,

-Essin’ Em

You’ve probably heard about Facebook’s crackdown on breastfeeding mothers – how they’ve decided that the act of nursing a child is indecent, and deleted thousands of pictures of breastfeeding moms.  There have been several successful protest actions to date, including the formation of a Facebook group with over 150,000 members, and a virtual sit-in which was conducted on December 27^th.  

We’ve been e-mailing with Stephanie Knapp Muir (the administrator of the Facebook protest group), and we’ve come up with a powerful new way to enable anyone who is interested to support a mother’s right to breastfeed without being harassed.  Please feel free to share this story with your readers, and feel free to reproduce the attached image or any images from the new protest site athttp://pregnancy.healthguru.com/applications/petition/breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding Mosaic Built from Banned Facebook Images

New York, New York, January 8^th, 2009 – Facebook’s crackdown on breastfeeding mothers continues unabated, but today the community has unleashed a potent new way for moms to add their voice to the protest – one which makes use of the very images of breastfeeding that Facebook banned.

An enormous visual mosaic (which will eventually include 100,000 images) is under construction as a form of visual protest.  The breastfeeding mosaic is built out of pictures submitted by people who support the cause.  Images of women breastfeeding are heartily welcomed – particularly those images previously deleted by Facebook – but any type of picture can be contributed to support the effort.

While the visual mosaic is a core part of this protest effort, people who don’t want to submit an image are still strongly encouraged to add a comment or to sign the virtual petition.

When Facebook decreed that a mother nursing her child was an obscenity, and began to delete these “offensive” images from their website, they probably didn’t anticipate the stiff resistance that they’ve faced.  Unfortunately, even in the face of impassioned protests, Facebook has remained stoic – and has refused to draw an official distinction between the image of a mom nursing and pornography. 

The breastfeeding mosaic is being hosted at Pregnancy Health Guru, a site which is home to the largest library of pregnancy videos on the web.  In addition to hosting the mosaic, PHG will also allow people who upload images for the protest to create personal libraries of their images, which can be stored and shared – with no risk that they’ll be deleted.

You can see the mosaic and add your pictures at the following URL: http://pregnancy.healthguru.com/applications/petition/breastfeeding.

For More Information, please contact:

Joshua Silberstein

CEO FullTurn Media

JSilberstein@FullTurnMedia.com

917-804-5728

I get sent a lot of sex toys to review.  But as much as I love sex toys, I also love reading. I like reading erotica, I like reading sex writing, and I like reading educational books.  SexToy.com understands my love and need for words on paper, and was kind enough to send me Two Knotty Boys — Showing You the Ropes, another book for my collection on rope bondage.

I recently review Midori’s book, the Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage, and I was excited to get another book on rope bondage for a different viewpoint,  and new ideas.

The intro to this book wasn’t very long, but it has the important bits. A mini-background on rope bondage, a well written list of “Dos and Don’ts” that I found easy to read and comprehend, and a few pages on the types of rope. I liked this section, as I don’t know much about rope, and it gave an easy overview of the different materials (including their uses, pros, cons, etc), the best ways to clean and cut different types of rope, etc.

Next off, we have the rope itself.  I really appreciate the step by step pictures. While I’m very good at visualizing things, it was awesome to have a guide to go along with the words, to make sure I was doing the right thing, and was on the right path.  I also was excited to learn chain braiding, ideal for rope storage.

The rest of the book was divided into sections; the Knots (decorative and functional), Basic Bondage, Decorative Bondage (my favorite part– there are some really interesting and really pretty ties in this section!), Dominance Bondage, and Sex Bondage.  Each section has about seven or eight different ties, and shows you step by step, with both instructions and pictures, exactly how to accomplish that particular tie.  Also, each tie tells you a little bit about how it should be used, whether it is ok for newbies or should be saved for seasoned (and/or bratty) rope veterans, what length of rope is needed, and what diameter of rope should be used.

Behind all of the ties is a reference section and a glossary, which really is a must for any type of kink or sexuality book, in my not so humble opinion.

I really like how the ties are laid out.  It’s easy to read, and to understand, and if I happened to need to keep a copy of it by my bed to check in as I did the ties, it’s super simple to follow, even with a squirming partner right next to you.

I’m not the biggest fan of rope bondage…at times, it is beautiful, but to me, it is also very time consuming, and I tend to lose circulation very quickly, so for me it seems like not a lot of result for so much time and effort.  However, after reading this book, I really want to learn more of these decorative knots and rope wear, as I think they are absolutely beautiful, and completely worth it.  I’d give this book 5 stars out of 5.

You can never have too many books!  If you want your own copy of this incredibly detailed, amusing, and helpful book, you can get it here.

-Essin’ Em

I’m not a big fan of gags. No no, not at all. I’ve tried a few types before, and I do not like them. But, as a dedicated sexuality educator and reviewer, I am willing to try out almost anything, and this week, I tried out the Japanese Ball Gag.

This gag is different than most — unlike most gags, it doesn’t have a leather strap, so this is a toy that is good for those among us who are both kinky and vegan (or even some vegetarians).  On the other hand, the rope strap is pretty much the only redeeming quality of it.

The ball itself smells (and tastes) like death. I’ve had it hanging in my bathroom (hoping the steam from the shower would help the smell/taste dissipate) for almost two months…and still, there is a faint smell of death, and it definitely tastes like it. 

Also, the ball is really big.  I have a small mouth to begin with, AND TMJ, so I can’t really fit the ball in my mouth well. I had one of my subs try it out, and although it was a slightly better fit, it became pretty uncomfortable pretty fast.

This is not really the best quality of gag, so it’s fairly affordable. However, it’s big and has such an odd chemical smell and taste that I wouldn’t really recommend it for anyone.  VibeReview has some other fun kink products, like the Under the Bed Restraint System, the Slapper, and a variety of cock straps. If you’re wanting to add a little spice to your life, those are some better (and better quality) products to add some chocolate chips to your vanilla.

So while the ball gag was a bit of a bust, it wasn’t the worst product I’d ever tried. I’d give it two stars out of five.

You can get the ball gag, or a whole variety of other excellent products at VibeReview.com.

-Essin’ Em

From Scaudon Photodesign

Pleasurists is your round-up of the adult product reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #10? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #12? Submit it here before Sunday January 11th at 11:59pm PST. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.

Want to be part of the Best Sex Toy Reviewers List of 2008?

• Nominate your favorite Sex Toy Reviewers! Deadline: January 25th at 11:59pm PST.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• Win a Hot New Sex Toy! Deadline: February 1st.

On to the reviews…

Editor’s Pick

Madame Editrix
Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

Vibrators

• Baby It’s Cold Outside (Power Breeze Clit Bullet) by Sleeping Dreamer
• Laya Spot by Erin Leone
• Ophoria Bliss No. 12 by Holden
• Mini Meany by The Hot Movies For Her Sex Toy Crew
• Clitoral Pump by California Exotics by Jezebelle
• We-Vibe by Lucy Vonne
• Sweet Chocolate by Eliot Bodem
• Ophoria Bliss No. 12 by Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek
• Lucid Dream Vibrating Butt Plug by Brigid Night
• Ophoria Bliss No. 12 by Urban Gypsy
• Discretion Bullet by Dangerous Lilly
• Catalina Loves Gigi by Catalina Loves
• Panty Tickler by Phaedra Fallen

Dildos

• Pure Wand by Ansley Agnello

Anal Toys

• Fun Factory Bootie by Sexorcism
• Peridise! by Panthera Pardus
• Tantus Lil’ Flirt by Beautiful Dreamer
• NJoy Pure Plug by Alisia

Toys for Boys

• One for the Men – The Fleshlight by hedonisticbitch

Sex Kits

• Shunga Carnal Pleasures Collection by Beautiful Dreamer

Lube/Massage Oil/Bath Stuff

• Jimmyjane Afterglow Candle by Beautiful Dreamer
• Afterglow Candle by Essin’ Em
• Kama Sutra Oil of Love by Betty Rocket
• Babeland Entice Lube by Radical Vixen

BDSM/Fetish

• Celebrating New Year’s With New Toys (The Super Strap Super Sheet) by Luna Orignaux
• Zeus Electrogasm by Gwen
• Under the Bed Restraints by Nadia West
• Crocodile Clamps by Nadia West
• Kinklab Vampire Gloves by Essin’ Em
• Red Acrylic Cane by Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek
• Ball Gag by Alisia
• Kinklab Piercing Forceps by Alpine Subdreams
• Basic Leather Flogger by Shasta Gibson
• Leather Paddle by Sinclair Sexsmith

Adult Books/Games

• Five Minute Erotica by Adriana
• J is for Jealousy by The Porn Librarian
• The Pleasure’s All Mine by Sinclair Sexsmith

Adult Movies/Porn

• Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to the G-Spot by J.D. Bauchery
• Girls with Desire by The Porn Librarian
• Return of Johnny Wadd by The Porn Librarian
• CrashPadSeries.Com by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival
• The Black Glove by Domina Doll

Toy Storage

• FYN Big Foot by Ansley Agnello
• FYN Big Foot Case by Beautiful Dreamer
• Big Foot Case FYN Review by Thursday’s Child
• XL Adult Toybox by Dangerous Lilly
• What’s in My Bag? (Big Foot FYN Case) by Bad Bad Girl
• Just In Case by Phaedra Fallen

Miscellaneous

• LELO Luna Beads by Sienna
• Top Five Tuesday: Our Favorites of 2008! by J.D. Bauchery & The Porn Librarian
• La Luna (Beads, that is) by Panthera Pardus
• Nipple Erector Set by Alpine Subdreams
• Luna Beads by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival
• Dominatrix Bag from FYN by Domina Doll

Anyone want to buy me a ticket to NYC in March? 

You may be asking why…the answer?

Kink For All

Vitals

======

What: A no-limits sex-positive gender and sexuality unconference.

Why: To inspire a creative, interactive and open environment where everyone feels comfortable talking, learning, and being inspired by all kinds of sexuality.

When: March, 2009 (exact date yet to be determined)

Where: NYC (We’re still looking for a venue! Can you help? See ‘Get Involved,’ below!)

Who: Everyone

How much: Free (as in beer as well as freedom)

Details

=======

KinkForAll is an ad-hoc gathering born from the desire for people of the kink, queer, sex-positive and related communities to share and learn in an open environment. It is an intense event with discussions, presentations, and interaction from all participants.  (It is inspired by the BarCamp community.)

ANYONE WITH SOMETHING TO CONTRIBUTE OR WITH THE DESIRE TO LEARN IS WELCOME AND INVITED TO JOIN. When you attend, be prepared to share with others. When you leave, be prepared to share it with the world.

A KinkForAll is a special kind of gathering because there are no spectators, only participants. Attendees must give a talk or a presentation, help with one, or otherwise volunteer/contribute in some way to support the event. This is called sharing and we like it. All presentations are scheduled the day they happen—there are no pre-scheduled presentations or keynote addresses. The people present at the event will select the presentations they want to see.

Anyone can present, on any topic related to sexuality. You do not necessarily have to teach a new skill or idea. You might share an experience, review a product, or read a poem. The goal is to start a discussion, make connections, and exchange knowledge. Presentations promoting specific commercial products or companies are discouraged.

Learn more about what to expect at

http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/WhatToExpect

Learn more about the event guidelines at

http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/TheRulesOfKinkForAll

Get Involved

============

We need your help in spreading the word. Please help by participating. Here’s how:

1. Get excited by reading the ideas on http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/KinkForAllNewYorkCity

2. Add your name or handle to the list of participants

3. Join the mailing list and introduce yourself by emailing kinkforall@googlegroups.com

If you have access to a venue, or know someone who has access to a venue, please email the kinkforall@googlegroups.com mailing list with that information.

Still have questions? Read the Frequently Asked Questions at

http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/FrequentlyAskedQuestions

or email kinkforall@googlegroups.com for more details.

KinkForAll Online

=================

Participate online before the event at your favorite social networking web site.

Homepage: http://KinkForAll.org

Google: http://groups.google.com/group/kinkforall

Twitter: http://twitter.com/KinkForAll

Identica: http://identi.ca/kinkforall

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/KinkForAll/40066342762

All primary organizational efforts are being coordinated via the mailing list. Join for free and help turn ideas into realities!

http://groups.google.com/group/kinkforall

This is an older picture…but I kind of feel hurt, and betrayed, and dead inside right now.

So happy something or rather. That’s all I’ve got.

Essin’ Em

Lucky you.  I learn these lessons, and then I post and write about them so that YOU don’t have to go through them.

Remember post break-up with J, last year?  I created a set of relationship rules for myself.  Long story short, don’t date younger people, don’t date college students, don’t date people without their own place, don’t date people without a job, don’t date people who live more than an hour away. I created these rules in response to many of the issues that broke apart our relationship, oh way back in 2007 (sounds crazy when I say that now).

However, I’ve already broken these rules.  L is a college student, F is a smoker.  L doesn’t have a job, F just started her own company and is struggling with the finances of it in this economy.  L lives with 3 other people — she is rarely alone. F has her own place now, but her last place was eating her soul.

And while these things certainly bothered me to some extent (I still hold that my BV was smoking related), they are things I dealt with because I cared about these people.  While at times frustrating, they were not deal breakers, and they didn’t cause our dating/relationships/partnerships/what have you to fail, as they did with J.

Ergo, I have come to this conclusion.  I cannot make a set of rules per se.  Ok, that’s a dirty lie. I can still have a basic set of rules, but I have to be willing to be flexible about them.  Instead, I’ve learned that I need to focus less on the other person, and on my needs. Yes, this means I need to be less counter dependent…which, since I refusing to be less caring and helpful regarding my friends, means that I need to be ok asking for things.

What do I want? I don’t want kids. I don’t really want to co-habit.  I don’t want to get married.  However, I don’t really want just a fuck buddy either (those are fine, but this is more of what I’m looking for in a long-er term situation).  I want someone to date, to have fun with, who I can cry with, have sex with, become fluid bonded with, who wants to go on spontaneous road trips, and likes to cook breakfast with me.

Here is a list of what I would like in a relationship like thing:

*Someone with a sex drive at least 3/4 of mine. I like to have sex, a lot. And for long periods of time. The first month F and I were together, we had sex 5-6 times a week, for hours at a time. And then that slowed down, but my sex drive didn’t. Can has wants sex0rs?

*Someone who will bring me soup when I’m sick. To be perfectly honest and needy, there is nothing I want more when I’m sick than Olive Garden minestrone (my second knee surgery, I went through six quarts in a week) or miso soup. However, I’m not picky.  Just soup.

*Someone who my cat(s) like. And who likes my cat(s). Because that is a deal-breaker.  They don’t have to be the pied piper of the feline variety, but my cat(s) are my kids.  End. Of. Story.

*Someone who gets, or is at least willing to try and understand my disability. No, I cannot walk up 3 flights of stairs. Some days, I can’t even make three or four stairs.  Someone who understands when I’m having a bad knee day. Someone who doesn’t think I’m making it up. Someone who gets that I’m bad enough to have an open narcotics prescription and doesn’t tell me to take advil when my knees hurt.  Someone that will visit me after my next surgery.

*Someone that gets my nerdy side as well as my kinky side, and my queer side. I’m not willing to pretend to be society’s idea of “cool” when I am not. At all. I embrace my nerdiness.  They should as well.

*Not a morning person. God, I hate that.  People should not wake up at 7am or 8am on the weekends. Just saying.

*They should be around my silliness level. If I want to dance in public (not at a club), it shouldn’t embarrass them. If I teach a strap on class wearing a harness and dildo, it shouldn’t be an issue. If I sing “I Touch Myself” at karaoke and fake an orgasm on stage, I’d rather they laugh than cover their eyes.

*I should trust them enough to be able to cry in front of them.  Other than my two best friends, I’ve met four people in my life that I can *actually* cry in front of instead of walking away, or changing the subject.  As I have a lot of trouble with this, it’s actually quite important.

*Someone that “gets” that I am a sex blogger, and write about sexuality, sex, reviewing sex toys, etc. I’m not stopping my blog for anyone.

*Someone who is attracted to me.  Not to my blog, my career, the fact I’m a BBW (god, I HATE that term), etc. Someone who thinks *I* am interesting and beautiful as a person. Not Essin’ Em. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else, but it’s important to me.

*Someone who is kinky, or at least willing to experiment. And if they’re not so into it, they’re ok with me going to play parties and play with others.

*Someone who communicates. Brings up issues, and is willing to talk. Not just in the bedroom, but in general.

*Someone who reads. Or at least understands why I read and am book obsessed.

That’s it for now.  Dear readers, especially those who have been following me for a while, what am I missing?  What else do I *need*?

-Essin’ Em

I’ve had a rough night.  For some reason, unbeknownst to me, the floodgates have opened, and everything has hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been crying on and off for an hour. Don’t ask me why, or why now.

Yes, this is an extremely emotional piece of writing. I’m sure in the morning I will feel differently (note — I usually post a few days in advance, but this one is in real time).  However, it’s how I feel, and I’ve tried to always be completely honest here.  Ergo.

-Essin’ Em

Hand wrapped around my heart, squeezing tightly.

Lump in my throat, challenging me to swallow.

No answer. No responding beep.

I can’t run…you’re everywhere.

Stuck. Scared. Scarred. Hurting.

Can’t saying anything, for fear it’ll hurt you.

Say anything, and I hurt myself more.

Little reminders of you drag sharp nails across my back.

We can’t even talk anymore.

Everything feels forced.

As though talking to me is burning your throat.

I did nothing wrong.

This one is not my fault.

I tried until I bled, till tears poured down my cheeks.

More fall now, echos of my effort.

I tried to be everything and nothing for you.

All that you wanted from me.

And the shadow of nothingness that you seemed to want more.

Mixed signals. Skewed communication.

Passion that burned far too hot, so hot it singed.

I was not supposed to like you.

I was supposed to keep you at a distance, to keep you at bay.

You asked, you requested of me, you BEGGED of me my trust, to open up, to let you in.

I did. In so many ways. 

I watched as you took a hammer to the walls that have taken so many years to build.

I opened to you, more than you will ever know.

And what now?  Now, when I need you, as I lie here raw, and exposed, and vulnerable, with no wall, no protection, you cannot even look at me. You cannot even talk to me.  

I was an idiot. 

I still am.

I let you in. 

I trusted.

And now, I sit here. 

So angry with myself. So hurt. So full of pain that should not be here.

I knew it wouldn’t last forever.

I didn’t want it to.

But I always thought we’d have a connection.

Smiles for each other that reached our eyes.

Instead, I feel like an outcast.

My/Our friends have become your friends. I feel like I’m interrupting. 

I feel like when I call you, it is a chore for you to answer.

I feel like when I ask menial questions about workouts and IDs, it is all you can do to not tell me to fuck off.

Antipathy.  It hurts worse than hate.  At least hate would mean you still care.

Call me dramatic. 

Call me too logical.  

Is this enough emotion for you?  

I share too little, and I’m “stuck in my head.”

I share too much, and suddenly I care too much.

Call me whatever the hell you want.

Just know that I hurt. 

It’s my fault. 

I let you in.

I should learn not to do that.