Types of Attraction
When I’m attracted to someone, my attraction (or even our mutual attraction), tends to fall into one of two categories:
-Seed growing into a flower that blooms and dies.
-Flames of passion that burn hot and then burn out.
Not always, obviously. There are always exceptions to any rule. But for the most part, that’s how I roll.
Still have no idea of what I’m talking about? Let’s take J for example.
I was not attracted to J on our first date. Sure, our conversation was interesting, but I felt kind of meh over the whole thing. I didn’t give a good night kiss, which I don’t know if that is something I’ve ever done. I just wasn’t feeling it. But J texted me a lot when I was in Florida, and then wanted to meet up for coffee in the city with a friend. I have trouble turning people down, so I did. And again, good conversation, and I got a little more interested, but no spark. Then he brought me back an I <3 Porn magnet from his trip to SF, which I appreciated. But he said something I thought was idiotic for dinner. I wasn’t sure what to do, but gave him a kiss goodnight before he headed home. It was good. Next date, we had delicious vegetarian food, and he helped me box up most of my stuff for my move. As we lay in my bed, exhausted from packing, I realized he was growing on me, and I was starting to get attracted to him. We had sex. And it was GOOD. Nay, it was great.
From there, my attraction grew. Some things would frustrate me, but I was now at the point where I was really attracted to J, so I just shoved them to the side. Our attraction and our love blossomed. And then, with the distance, and J being a college student…and me…well, NOT being a college student, and the frustrations…our flower wilted, and before it could die, J clipped it and threw it away.
Then there are people like K. When I first met him in a Mexican Restaurant, interviewing him to take over my position with a sex toy company, I felt ridiculous lust. Holy fuck, was he hot (and still was, last I saw). He was physically hot, he was mentally stimulating, he was “I want to take you here and now.” This lust continued to burn hot, up until, and even after the time we played in NYC. However, time has dissipated my flame. While it hasn’t burned out (if he wanted to play tomorrow, I’d be so up for it), I no longer have this feeling of lust and strong attraction to him. I still enjoy conversations with him, I like chatting with him, but he no longer frequents sex dreams, and I don’t find me lapsing into thoughts about what I would like him to do to me when I should be thinking about someone else.
F was a little of both. I saw her, and was immediately attracted to her. Yet instead of just having crazy hot sex (which is part of what we did), we also built a friendship, relationship, partnership around each other. Slowly, over time, our flower was wilting and dying, but the fiery flames of the passionate type relationships sustained us. However, eventually, those flames burnt out, possibly burning out the remains of the flower with it.
I wonder, can I find someone to whom I am attracted, but not in just an “I want you, and want you now” type of way? I mean, while I do want the passion, and some licks of fire, I also want someone with whom my attachment grows more and more as I spend more time with them. And you know, preferably, doesn’t wilt over time, especially after I’ve spent so much time nurturing our relationships.
Do we stick with the same types/methods of attraction through out our lives, or is this something that changes and morphs as we do? Am I going to be doomed to either short yet passionate lustful attractions, or else having to convince myself that I’m attracted to people as I spend more and more time with them? Or perhaps, is there hope for me?
-Essin’ Em
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Hmmm I wish I had something helpful to say. To be honest, I had a completely different problem and that’s not feeling remotely attracted to the men I dated. For a while I thought there was something wrong with me, that I was asexual or something (except for how much I was masturbating.) Until I met my current bf, who I wanted pretty much as soon as I sat down with him in a dark theater.
Granted, I’ll allow that there was one or two guys that, after knowing them for a few months, I was somewhat attracted to, but not insanely hot for. The way I feel about the guy I’m with now doesn’t even compare. But we have a pretty sustainable relationship too, at least so far. We’ve been together almost 8 months.
But, and this is just an opinion, I think it’s a combination of things. I think it’s attraction, age, timing, and life philosophies that all work together to make a relationship stable or not. One guy I dated I did find myself becoming attracted to, but he didn’t talk very much. He was a good listener. But after 3 months I didn’t even know what his favorite color was. Whereas the guy I’m with now, we laugh and talk all the time. Even when we’re not together we’re talking on IM or on the phone. It’s just little things.
And just because you find someone hot, doesn’t mean they’d be a good partner. Or just because someone fits you emotionally, doesn’t mean you’re attracted to them physically.
I think you need to find a balance between that which you find emotionally conducive to a relationship and that which is sexy. Wish I could be more specific, but I AM a total stranger on the internet ;)
Yeah, I think what attracts you DOES change over time. I think it happened to me rather early. I met my husband online – and ended up falling in love with his mind (for lack of a better term) before I even knew whether I would be physically attracted to him or not. Funnily enough, I was, even though he was the exact opposite (physically) of what I would have considered my “type.”
But Amy’s right – when you find that balance between what you need in AND out of the sack, that’s when you get a good, long-lasting relationship. Unfortunately there’s no telling WHEN you’ll find it.
I seem to always be attracted to anyone who is UNAVAILABLE: older married men, attached straight women, wtf, there is something about breaking the TABOO that really engages my mind, spirit & libido…
When I met my wife, I was attracted to her physically in the way you describe – but I also learned to be attracted to her as a friend. Even if we weren’t lovers, I’d want her in my life because I like and admire her. That friendship has helped our relationship survive when the passion has wavered for one reason or another.
I have several distinct patterns when it comes to who I am attracted to. And, many of those patterns were very bad for me. So, now, I can recognize many of those and work through them.
So, some patterns may change on their own, some you may have to work to change. Find the ones that work best for you.